A ratty old man, an Ojibwe alcoholic who lived to be eighty-eight and chewed Red Man tobacco as a joke, told me a few years back that time lasted seven times longer than we “white folks” think. This irritated me. We were sitting on the porch of his shack drinking a bottle of Sapphire gin that I brought over. He liked expensive gin. An old shabby-furred bear walked within ten feet of us on the way to the bird feeder for a mouthful of sunflower seed. “That bear was a pissant as a boy. He’d howl in my window until I made him popcorn with bacon grease. You should buy a green Dodge from the fifties, a fine car but whitewash it in the late fall, and scrub it off May 1. Never drive the highways, take back roads. The Great Spirit made dirt not cement and blacktop. On your walks in the backcountry get to where you’re going, then walk like a heron or sandhill crane. They don’t miss a thing. Study turtles and chickadees. These bears and wolves around here have too much power for us to handle right. I used to take naps near a female bear who farted a lot during blueberry season. Always curtsey to the police and they’ll leave you alone. They don’t like to deal with what they can’t figure out. Only screw fatter women because they feed you better. This skinny woman over near Munising gave me some crunchy cereal that cut my gums. A bigger woman will cook you ham and eggs. I’ve had my .22 Remington seventy years and now it looks like it’s made out of duct tape. Kerosene is your best fuel. If you row a boat you can’t help but go in a circle. Once I was so cold and hungry I ate a hot deer heart raw. I felt its last beat in my mouth. Sleep outside as much as you can but don’t close your eyes. I had this pet garter snake that lived in my coat pocket for three years. She would come out at night and eat the flies in my shack. Think of your mind as a lake. Give away half the money you make or you’ll become a bad person. During nights of big moons try walking as slow as a skunk. You’ll like it. Don’t ever go in a basement. Now I see Teddy’s fish tug coming in. If you buy a six-pack I’ll get us a big lake trout from Teddy. I got three bucks burning a hole in my pocket. Women like their feet rubbed. Bring them wildflowers. My mom died when I was nine years old. I got this idea she became a bird and that’s why I talk to birds. Way back then I thought the Germans and Japs would kill the world but here we are about ready to cook a fish. What more could you want on an August afternoon?”