I Don’t Know Where I’ve Got This Balance Wrong

– either a surfeit or a deficit of faith. Either way,

all my incredulous anger somehow elects

to curl itself around, back inwards,

sets to something far more solid: I refuse

(with a stubbornness I’ve been told is unbecoming,

unfeminine, inappropriate), right from the root,

to let this experience diminish me,

to beat my heart down

back into the easy shallow peace of cynicism,

keeping pace with the mute, drowsy rhythm

of our shitty broken culture

of forgetfulness, resignation.

I know this poem is like something a teenager

might write, too raging and too earnest,

but so what? Why is it so embarrassing

to allow ourselves to feel anything?

I don’t want to be inured, resigned, despondent

in the face of all the senseless destruction and injustice,

the dull complicity. If I’m angry

then I have every fucking reason to be.

And that anger is beautiful: a great bright

thrust of energy, action, hope, confidence,

knowledge,

love.

Cate Chapman