WHY SHOULD WE? AND WHY DON’T WE?
THIS CHAPTER WILL go through some of the primary reasons using questions in communication is essential, and then tackle the primary reasons most of us don’t use questions enough. Consider the following questions.
•What is your biggest professional goal in the next 12 months?
•What will it feel like to achieve it?
•What will be the greatest challenge in achieving it?
•How can your boss/staff/colleagues help you achieve it? What, specifically, can they do to help you progress toward it?
•What do you need to complete today to be on track toward that goal?
Did you have answers for the above questions? Did you have to think a little to come up with or refine your responses? Was your mind engaged with the subject?
Moreover, if you wanted someone else to develop their goals and plan for the next 12 months, are they the sorts of questions you could ask? If so, is it likely the person you are speaking to would have to think deeply about the subject in order to answer those questions? Finally, if you were in a conversation with that person, do you think you could remain silent until they answered?
Asking questions to make someone think (and influence them)
Asking questions is a powerful way to make someone think — and an effective way to ensure that they’re thinking about the subject you’d like them to focus on. It’s also generally successful in helping that person reach a particular conclusion. For many, this will be the primary reason to develop the habit or code of effective questioning — they wish to influence others and, to do so, need those others to think about a particular subject.
In life, you will experience many different situations in which you will need to communicate with people — for you to hear them and for them to hear you. Perhaps it’s as simple as getting your boss to listen to you. Maybe you’re in a job that requires selling or managing people. In all of these cases and many more, you would like a positive response from them.
Think back to John’s dreary winter morning. In the space of an hour or two, John found himself in several situations in which he needed to influence someone. He wanted to influence Harry to deliver more orders. He wanted to influence Mary and Bob to use the appropriate sales process and documents. He wanted to influence Alex to consider his product properly. And he wanted to influence Sarah to understand some of their challenges so that she might provide more support. None was a complicated challenge, but in every case, the other person in the conversation just didn’t seem to get it. They never really engaged their mind with what John was seeking.
In truth, John never asked them to. He just told them stuff. He told Sarah his challenges. He told Alex about his product. He told Harry to be ready for more orders. And he eventually gave up telling Bill and Mary how to sell. Indeed, it’s not clear that any of them would have even heard him — they were too focused on their own challenges and thoughts.
The solution for John was incredibly simple. He should have just asked questions. If he’d used the right questions, the others in his story would not have been able to avoid considering what he wanted them to do or think. They might not have agreed with him, but they would have at least considered it properly!
In trying to influence someone you are, of course, hoping that they will take a specific action or adopt a particular behaviour. In all cases, that behaviour will start with their mind. The first requirement is that they decide to act; they decide to change or do what it is that you’re asking. And for their brain to make that decision, it must first be engaged with the decision. That’s to say, their brain must actually think about it. The surest way to get someone thinking about a particular subject is to ask them a question about it. If it’s a good question, they simply cannot help but think.
“ The surest way to get someone thinking about a particular subject is to ask them a question about it. „
In particular, compare this with what happens when you simply tell someone what you want. Are they really listening? Are they focused on what you’re saying? Do they really give it due consideration? Can you assess what they’re thinking about it? The truth is, you don’t really know. And the odds are, the answer is no.
All you parents out there, does it usually work when you simply tell your kids to do their homework? Or does it more often result in an argument, a grumpy child or just being ignored? How did John go with his kids Jane and Billy? If he had simply asked questions instead, there is a far greater chance they would have thought about doing their homework and engaged their minds on the subject. And there might have been at least some chance of them responding in the manner he sought.
Asking questions invites people to be heard
Taken a step further, what are nearly all people most interested in? Themselves. We like to be heard. We like people to listen to us. We like our opinion to matter. So what better way to interest and engage us than to ask questions? Even a question as simple as ‘How are things?’ is likely to elicit some engagement. More directive questions, such as ‘How are your sales going this month?’ or ‘Tell me what’s working well at the moment,’ will almost certainly create engagement and bring in a reasonable amount of information.
Again, compare this approach with walking up to someone and telling them what you’re working on, how you’re feeling or how well your month is going. Just talking at someone is unlikely to excite them. And it’s very unlikely to truly engage them. However, inviting them to be heard, listened to, or respond with their views, is very likely to get a response. Asking questions can usually demonstrate an interest in someone. Showing interest in another person is a great way to engage their minds. And this engagement is the first step toward getting action from them.
Asking questions promotes mindset growth
Behind the skill of asking questions lies the habit of thinking in questions. In truth, thinking in questions is a useful habit regardless of whether or not you then proceed to ask those questions of someone else. The alternative is to think in statements, and that will often narrow your mind, closing it off to new ideas and alternative perspectives. In any situation that requires innovation, creativity or just basic problem-solving, a narrow mind can be fatal to success. Thinking in questions, on the other hand, tends to keep the mind open to new ideas. It keeps the mind actively searching for them.
“ Behind the skill of asking questions lies the habit of thinking in questions. „
There is now increasing recognition of the value of a growth mindset, as distinct from a fixed mindset. The distinction has gained significant popularity from the success of Carol Dweck’s excellent book Mindset: changing the way you think to fulfil your potential.
As a parent, I have noticed how much focus a growth mindset now receives at my sons’ school and am greatly encouraged by it. Students are constantly encouraged to recognise that their abilities, intelligence and knowledge are not fixed; instead, they will develop through learning. This requires being open to new and different ideas, to genuinely considering them rather than assuming that the knowledge they already have is complete, correct and not to be contradicted. In this way, a growth mindset encourages questioning and being inquisitive.
Adherence to a fixed mindset, on the other hand, is a significant barrier to developing a great questioning habit. Sadly, for many people, having a growth mindset by default is a long way off.
“ Adherence to a fixed mindset is a significant barrier to developing a great questioning habit. „
So, why don’t we ask more questions?
If it’s such a good idea, why don’t we do it? We did it as kids — asking questions all day long, including some pretty silly ones. From my direct experience as a parent, questions such as ‘Dad, why can’t I stay up all night?’, ‘Dad, can we cut down this tree to extend our backyard cricket pitch?’ and ‘Dad, why does the government make us go to school?’ are all reasonable questions from a seven-year-old. My seven-year-olds certainly never hesitated to ask these questions and many others. But at some point, as we grow older, we stop asking questions. Why?
Because we were taught not to
Of course, we weren’t told not to ask questions. However, we were told to know the answer, demonstrate our knowledge and resolve things quickly. Throughout my schooling, my teachers asked the class questions and we were expected to recite the answer. Most of our assessments were an exercise in demonstrating how much information we’d memorised from our notes or textbooks. We largely accepted what we were told or what we read.
In class and in assessments, confidence was rewarded — and vulnerability was avoided. On some level, asking questions came to be perceived almost as a weakness or as not knowing the answer. Asking questions was, in some ways, almost a threat to our ego. On the other side of the coin, we were constantly encouraged to demonstrate our knowledge and skills. As we have spent so many years forming these habits, there is a good chance that they stay with us into adulthood.
Because we want to do things quickly
Another factor standing in the way of good question-asking habits is our desire for speed. By this, I mean our willingness to progress and get things done — fast. Perhaps I mean our impatience. In a management context, this might occur when you observe one member of your team not doing something the way you’d like, or perhaps not doing something as well as they might.
For John, his impatience also came out in his sales meeting with Alex. He was so keen to get the product information to Alex and so anxious for Alex to understand how good the product was, that he just told him. Intuitively, it felt like the fastest way to convince him, because it was the quickest way to get the information out. Unfortunately, although it was a quick way to get the information out, it wasn’t an effective way to have Alex understand it, nor to relate it to Alex’s business. Asking Alex about his business, their goals and challenges, and together exploring the impact John’s product might have on them, would likely generate far greater engagement from Alex — and as a consequence, a far higher level of interest.
However, at those moments, it just feels so much faster to step in and do it for others or tell them how to do it. In that one instance, it may well be the fastest approach. Unfortunately, this approach often won’t achieve the desired result, so you’re likely to have to do it again and again. In the long-term, there’s not much time saved.