“I really love your shirt,” Stacey says. “Is that new?”
“It is.” I grin. “I made it.”
“Really?” One of Stacey’s brows quirk up.
The blouse is a bright teal, paired with black pants that have matching teal seams. I did my makeup and hair the way Dolly taught me, taking extra time, which means I showed up even later than normal, but I’m late every day and it never makes a difference. I simply don’t care anymore. I realize now that it doesn’t matter, so why let it stress me out? I’m just hurting me. No one else gives a shit.
“We’re ready when you are,” Blade says.
“Right so . . .” I stare down at the papers in my hands.
What am I doing? Why am I doing this to myself? Is this really what I want? Am I putting myself through this every day because I want to keep working here, or am I doing it because I want to prove to them I can?
Blade motions with a hand. “Being the focus of attention is something you’ll have to get used to for the position you want. It’s best to get started.”
But do I want this position? Is it even about me, or is it about what people think about me? “Actually,” I shake my head, “no.”
“No?” Blade and Drew exchange a glance. This time, it’s not commiserating looks of irritation aimed in my general direction. They’re surprised. Blade’s brows are nearly to his hairline and Drew . . . well, he still looks pretty stern and serious, actually.
“Yeah, no. I’m not going to do this. I quit.”
They continue to exchange looks, a silent message passing between the three of them. Something I’m used to, but this time it’s . . . different. Stacey is smiling. Drew’s lips are pursed, a small groove between his brows. Blade is frowning, but that’s how he always looks.
“I get that I don’t fit in, okay? I know it. And frankly, I don’t care. So.” I shrug. “Have a nice day.” I leave, walking away, leaving them in the room gaping after me. I’m grinning so big my cheeks hurt. I finally freaking did it.
I totally nailed my pitch. I laugh out loud, giddy. That was fun. And, even better, I can quit again tomorrow if I want.
But the euphoria is short lived.
“Hey. Jane. Come with me.” Mark grabs my hand.
I tug my fingers from his grasp. “Mark. Stop.”
He stills, watching me with wide eyes.
“I’m not sleeping with you, okay?”
His eyes grow impossibly larger. “What?”
“Listen. It’s over. And in the future, you should probably be clear with whoever you want to mess around with that it’s meaningless sex and nothing serious. It’s not fair to give people the wrong idea. I’m human too. I have wants and needs, and I need more than a quick bang in a closet.”
His mouth hangs open, eyes so wide they might pop out of his skull.
“Look. I get it. You want an escape, a good time, all that, and that’s fine. You do you. But if you’re not up front about your intentions, people get hurt. And maybe all of that could have been prevented with one honest conversation. Is that so much to ask?”
His mouth opens and closes like a fish. “Um, I, you, I don’t know—”
“Mark. It’s fine.” I pat him on the shoulder. “It’s okay to grieve.”
“Grieve? Who said anything about—”
“And it’s okay to feel guilty. It’s okay to feel however you feel, but don’t lead other people on. Maybe talk to someone about it. Oh, here.” I reach into my briefcase for the card I’ve been carrying to work every day—and having to recreate every day. “It’s a list of grief counselors. Think about it. Okay?”
I walk away, and I don’t look back.
“How did it go?” Presley stops me in the communal area.
“Fantastic. I quit.”
A startled laugh bubbles out of her. “That’s fantastic?”
“Oh yeah.”
“Wow. I have no idea what to say. Congratulations?”
“That works. Hey, want to celebrate later? I’m going to watch Alex’s band play at the Saloon. I’ll be there around eight. You should come.”
A crease forms between her brows. “Alex? Alex Chambers, our client Alex?”
“The very one.” I grin. “Not my client though. Not anymore.”
She stares at me, eyes narrowed. “You sure you want a tagalong to that?”
“You wouldn’t be tagging along. I’m bringing other friends. You could meet them, since you’re new in town. Unless you don’t want to?”
She blinks. “Oh, no. I mean, yes, I absolutely would love to come. That would be great.” She beams at me.
“Great. I gotta run. I’ll see you later.”
Outside, footsteps slap the pavement behind me.
“Hey, Jane. You okay?”
I spin around. “I’m great. How are you?”
He blinks, baffled.
I smile. He’s so adorable when he’s confused.
He rubs the back of his neck. “Are you leaving? You never take a day off.”
“I’m not taking a day off. I quit. I don’t work here anymore.”
His mouth pops open. “Oh. Okay. And this is a good thing, it seems?”
“It’s great. I’m going to design clothes.”
He barks out a laugh. “That is . . . incredibly amazing.”
I nod. “Yeah. I think so too.”
We’re both smiling, looking at each other, and then Alex shoves his hands in his pockets and his gaze drops to the ground between us.
He takes a breath and meets my eyes. “Hey, listen, I’m in a band. We have a gig tonight. I mean, it’s not a big thing, we’re the opening act and it’s at the Saloon, but you should come. I’ll buy you a drink. To celebrate, I guess.”
“I’ll be there.”
We grin at each other like two idiots for a few long seconds, and I hold on to this moment, keeping it in my heart like a prayer. “Oh.” I glance down at my watch. Right. I have places to be. “I gotta run. Hugo needs me. But I’ll see you later, for sure.” On a whim, I lean up and kiss him on the cheek. Then I turn to leave, but he stops me with a hand on my arm.
“Wait, Jane.” His eyes devour me, and then a crease forms between his brows. “Who is Hugo?”
“A friend. He’s got an audition for a drag show and his partner is going to bail. I have to bring him a costume.”
His head tilts and one side of his mouth tips up. “What is with you today? You seem so different.” He rubs his chin. “No. That’s not right, you still seem like yourself, but—”
“I’m still me. I’m just more me.”
He nods slowly. “Right.”
I back away. I need to get back. “I’ll see you later.”
“Yeah, see you,” he calls out, but I’m already running to the pay phone.
“Eloise?”
I make it to my building just in time. I had to rush back to Emeryville after watching Dolly audition and hanging out with the queens and inviting them to Alex’s show later.
Eloise is walking out the front entrance, her gaze is lowered, and she’s deep in thought so when I say her name, she startles and looks up.
“Oh, hey.” She gives me a tremulous smile, her eyes darting to the ground before landing on my face. “I thought you were at work and I left a note and I—”
“It’s okay. Listen, I want to apologize. I’ve been terrible and you didn’t deserve it. Can you come upstairs so we can talk?”
Her mouth opens and closes. “Yes. Yes, of course.”
We go upstairs and have our conversation and after that’s done, again, I give her the dress I’ve been working on for a while now. Of course, she doesn’t know that.
“Here. I made this for you.” I hand her the dress. It’s a simple design, strapless, tight around the bust, and the skirt is an asymmetrical ruffle. But the colors are vibrant, varying shades of red and purple and white.
“Jane, it’s gorgeous. When did you make this?” She takes it into my room to hold it up in front of the mirror.
“Oh you know.” I shrug, leaning against the doorframe while she examines it. “I had some spare time and I’ve been playing around.”
“Playing around?” She spins to face me, her eyes wide. “This is incredible.”
“Good. I’m glad you approve.” I also knew she would approve since we discussed the design and I measured her for it a week ago, but she doesn’t remember that. I glance at the clock. “Oh we should get ready. They’ll be waiting for us.”
“Who’s waiting for us?”
“My friends.” I grin. “C’mon. Let’s go out.”
“We should find Harry, cut off his balls, throw them in the bay, dump him off at Alcatraz, and let the birds eat him.” Queen Bee lifts her glass like she’s toasting instead of roasting.
“That’s seems maybe a little excessive?” Eloise says, but she raises her glass to Bee’s with a smile.
“Baby, morally gray is my favorite color.”
Presley bursts out laughing.
We snagged a table at the Saloon for Alex’s show, me, Bee, Fifi, Dolly, and Eloise. Presley showed up shortly after we arrived, and we’ve all been enjoying ourselves ever since.
Instead of the mild clapping and chuckles that normally accompany Alex and Leon’s comedy show, we’ve been tearing it up with cheers and laughter, and when Dolly laughs, she is loud.
Their energy ramps up the whole half-full room until it’s an exuberant celebration of humor.
“Hey. You made it. And you brought friends.” After the set ends, Alex stops next to me at the table.
“Hey! Yes, I did. Everyone, everyone?” I have to clap my hands to get their attention.
Queen Bee is giving Eloise red-carpet makeup tips, Dolly is interjecting her opinions, and Presley is arguing with Bee about lash extensions.
I introduce Alex to the queens and to my sister.
“Want to sit? We saved you a seat.”
“Yeah. Sure.”
He sits and immediately gets roped into an argument about the best place to eat in Oakland.
Conversation hums around me, mingled with periodic bursts of laughter. I sit back and enjoy, contributing occasionally, but mostly breathing in the moments. Delighting in the fact that I’m surrounded by people who are kind and open and accepting and full of joy just existing with each other. People I love.
Leon comes over at some point, and the merriment increases. Then Leon ends up in Fifi’s lap, and the volume goes up another notch. Time flies by. I blink and Eloise is hugging everyone goodbye.
“You’re leaving?”
“Yeah. It’s midnight and I’ve got to get back to Palo Alto. I’ll call you, okay?”
“My phone’s broken. I’ll call you once I get it fixed.”
And I’ll see you tomorrow anyway, I add in my head.
Later, we get Bee and Fifi off in a cab, and then Alex drives Dolly and me home. This time, I don’t fall asleep, and Alex doesn’t idle in front of the building. He shuts off his truck and walks Dolly and me up to our floor.
After Dolly disappears into her place, Alex stops with me outside my apartment.
I lean back against my door and face him. “Thanks for giving us a ride.”
His hands are in his pockets. “Thanks for coming to my show.”
“It was a lot of fun.”
“So—”
“I’ll see you tomorrow.”
I want him to come in, of course, but I don’t want to pressure him and I know how this ends. Plus, I have to check on Dolly.
But Alex isn’t moving.
I lift my brows at him.
“You’re not going inside? I was sort of waiting for you to go in so I could do that thing where I pine outside your door like a smitten fool.”
I laugh. “That sounds like an amazing time for you, but . . .” I consider what to tell him and settle on the truth. I’m not giving away any of Dolly’s secrets. “I’m probably going to check on Dolly.”
Of course Alex, being himself, is concerned. “Is she okay? Is there something I can do?”
I shrug. “Sometimes she just needs someone to sit with her.”
He nods, getting it. “Can I help?”