Having left Liz and Eric’s house, Emma hurried across the bridge towards the centre of the village, her heart racing in panic and her cheeks burning with humiliation in anticipation of what she now had to do.
Damn, damn, damn! Eric would have told Liz by now – he had to have told her by now. He’d need to in order to explain Emma’s presence in the house, particularly when Liz was so sure Eric was the father of her baby. And of course that was her own fault for messing with Liz’s head this last while, wasn’t it? God knows she was sorry for doing that now – if she hadn’t sent the text and made that stupid phone call, then Liz wouldn’t be so paranoid and Eric wouldn’t have to pacify her.
And when Liz did find out who the father of Emma’s baby was, then of course she would be only too delighted to tell everyone else – after all that had happened lately, Eric’s wife certainly didn’t owe her anything.
Damn Liz anyway for coming home so early! Emma had been looking forward to a quiet evening chatting with Eric at his house, although in truth he had seemed rather uncomfortable earlier when she’d arrived at his doorstep unannounced.
She’d known, of course, that Liz had gone away for a weekend with Tara, so the coast was clear, so to speak. But never mind trying to make Liz jealous, which, Emma admitted to herself, had been good fun initially but had begun to wear thin – she found she really did enjoy talking to Eric about everything. She enjoyed getting her worries off her chest. And while Eric had always been sympathetic, Emma lately got the feeling that he was sorry all the secrecy had ever started.
He was clearly very much in love with Liz and worried for his family, and as time went on Emma did feel truly sorry for him that he couldn’t find a proper job. At first, it had been a bit funny, happening upon Eric working behind the bar in Dublin like that, and the poor guy obviously so embarrassed about it and desperate to keep it a secret. But when his hours were cut and his worries multiplied, Emma realised that it was no joke at all.
And, yes, maybe her own worries were just as valid, but lately she got the impression that Eric was tired of listening to her moan about her woes and wanted her to think seriously about getting everything out in the open.
“It can’t stay hidden forever, Emma,” Eric had insisted at his house earlier. “When he sees how big you’re getting and realises that you are pregnant, surely he’ll put two and two together? Maybe he already has.”
Emma shook her head. “You know I’ve been avoiding him ever since – as far as I can tell he doesn’t know anything at all. Too wrapped up in his own little life,” she added bitterly. “And I’m not really showing enough yet for the gossip to start.”
“Yet,” Eric repeated meaningfully. “OK, so he might not suspect anything now, but he certainly will in a few months’ time when the baby is born. The man isn’t stupid, Emma – he’ll work things out for himself!”
“Being with me in the first place was stupid of him, Eric!” Emma retorted quickly, the beginnings of tears in her eyes, “And what he did afterwards was even worse! Why mess around with my head like that? Why sleep with me at all if he knew it wasn’t going anywhere, if his heart was somewhere else?”
“I know. I know.” Eric was soothing. “I wish I knew. But things have always been complicated where he’s concerned – you know that better than I do.”
Emma nodded but couldn’t reply as she tried to stop the tears from coming. She certainly did know that, but still it hadn’t stopped her from thinking that their night together had meant something more. Having sworn for most of her adult life that she’d never, ever make a fool of herself over some man like her sister had, she’d then gone and stupidly done the very same thing. She’d been an idiot.
“He’s bad news where women are concerned, Emma – always has been.”
“Maybe, but that doesn’t change the fact that I really cared about him,” Emma said sadly. “And he used me. And just because he was unsure about what he really wanted, I’m left in this position.”
Now, as she made her way across the bridge, Emma came to the conclusion that there was no point in keeping her pregnancy a secret from him any longer. Eric was right. He had to know, and soon.
Very soon, before Liz McGrath had a chance to tell the whole world about it.
A few minutes later, Emma stood outside his front door.
Steeling herself for the confrontation to come, she tried to keep calm as she rang the doorbell. She stood back from the doorstep and fastened her coat up to the neck in a conscious attempt to keep her condition concealed. OK, so she might have come here with the express intention of telling him, but she didn’t want to make it all so obvious from the outset. And she certainly didn’t want him to panic at the sight of her bump and maybe quickly close the door in her face. Who knows how he’d react to something like this?
Suddenly, the door swung open and there he stood in the doorway, looking as handsome and wonderful as ever, and as she caught sight of him once again, Emma’s breath caught in her throat. God, how she wished she didn’t feel like this! But it was pointless wishing – for some reason, he had always had a profound effect on her, and despite her attempts to deny it, she just couldn’t help how she truly felt.
“Emma, hi! This is a surprise . . . how are you?” By the slight wariness in his tone, she knew immediately that there was someone else in the house with him – and she could guess exactly who. Well, she wasn’t going to keep him very long.
“Well, I’d like to say I’m fine, but that would be a lie,” Emma said shortly, lapsing into defensive mode.
“Oh?” He looked confused. “What’s up? And how can I help?”
“That night . . .” she began, staring straight at him, her eyes cold and her chin upturned. “The night we –”
He visibly winced. “Emma, I’m sorry . . . but can we talk some other time?” he said quickly. “It’s been a busy day and now is not really a good time for me . . .” Then he gave a surreptitious glance behind him, as if afraid that his companion might come out to investigate.
The casual, almost indifferent reaction and the disinterested way he’d tried to brush her aside set off something inside Emma, and right then, all thoughts of breaking the news softly to him went right out the window.
“It was a good time for you a few months ago, though, wasn’t it, you two-faced bastard!” she blurted, her tone rising. “Back then, you had plenty of time for me!”
He looked stunned for a moment. “Emma, please . . .
calm down!” He looked worriedly up and down the street.
“Why should I? Are you afraid that everyone will find out about you? Afraid they’ll all find out that the person they think is the salt-of-the-earth is nothing but a heartless, using bastard?”
“Heartless, using bastard . . . what’s all that about?” he said, looking genuinely puzzled. “How did I use you? As far as I was concerned that night was just a bit of fun – for both of us. Something stupid after a few drinks too many.”
Emma couldn’t believe it. He had no idea – no idea at all that she had real feelings for him. He’d really thought their night together was no big deal. Just a bit of fun? Having known all about this man, having always known deep down that she couldn’t –shouldn’t – put any faith in him, still she’d thought it meant something. But she’d been silly to think about trusting him, because most of the time the same man couldn’t even trust himself.
“Look, Emma, I’m sorry if you thought that . . . well, I didn’t mean to . . . as I said, we’d had a few drinks, and it was just a bit of a laugh, wasn’t it?” He was talking as if it was all perfectly reasonable. “I didn’t think for a second that you might think something would come of it. I mean, you know as well as anyone the story with me.”
“Well, something did come of it, actually,” Emma replied, her heart racing as she said the words. “I’m pregnant.”
She watched his face drain of colour, as his gaze quickly moved to her abdomen.
“I don’t believe you!”
“Well, you’d better believe me, because it’s no bloody joke.”
The two of them stood there for a while, both silent as he tried to take in the news. “Emma, I don’t know what to say,” he said eventually. “This is . . . well, to be honest, I’m completely shocked.”
The fact that he hadn’t immediately closed the door in her face, the fact that he looked almost . . . fascinated by this news, buoyed her a little. Maybe things wouldn’t be so bad after all. Maybe the two of them might just be able to muddle through. But just as quickly, Emma remembered what Eric had told her, remembered the reasons she’d kept this a secret in the first place. There was no future for her with this man – nor would there ever be.
“But why didn’t you tell me before now?” he asked then.
Emma looked quickly down at her feet. “I was going to, but then I heard from Eric that you’d . . . well, that you’d found someone else – someone serious.”
He coloured slightly. “That’s true. But Emma, you and me, that night . . . well, to be honest, after that I did feel a bit strange . . . a bit confused, I suppose – and I felt I was back to square one again, back to not knowing what I wanted. But then, shortly afterwards, I met Nicky, and right away I knew I didn’t have to make a choice. It just felt right . . .”
His words trailed off, as the aforementioned Nicky appeared behind him in the doorway.
“Is everything OK, Colm?” he asked, glancing at Emma warily.
Emma looked from one man to the other and all of a sudden felt very foolish indeed.
Eric had been right; she’d been stupid to think that she had a chance just because the long-time object of her affection hadn’t been living an openly gay life. Colm had struggled for years with his sexuality (when they were younger, in this village an admission would have been impossible) and she’d been stupid to think that he would – or even could – change his mind.
But you couldn’t help who you fell in love with, and unfortunately for her, Emma had been in love with Colm for a very long time. Despite what Eric had told her, despite what she knew herself to be true, for as long as Colm struggled, she’d always thought she was in with a chance.
And when, a few months ago, just before taking the new job in Dublin, she’d worked her final shift alongside him in The Coffee Bean and Colm had brought her out for a farewell dinner and then back to his house to share a bottle of wine, Emma tried to take that chance.
Colm was right, it had all been a laugh at first and, in fairness, she had more or less thrown herself at him, but at the time, he hadn’t refused. And over the days that followed, Emma had been certain that their night together had made things clearer for him, that it meant that for him all those years of experimentation and uncertainty were finally over.
And she’d been right, albeit not in the way she’d anticipated. It appeared that their night together, along with Nicky’s subsequent appearance in the village – ironically to act as Emma’s replacement in the café – had made Colm decide on his path once and for all.
Emma still recalled the devastation she’d felt when Eric had one day mentioned in passing that Colm had finally started a proper gay relationship. It had only been a few weeks since their night together, and she’d been too busy settling into her new job and new place in Dublin after the initial move to come home since.
“So it seems Colm has finally bitten the bullet and decided to swing one way once and for all,” Eric had said with a grin.
And thinking that Colm had told Eric about their night together, Emma smiled coquettishly.
“Really? How so?” she’d asked, expecting Eric to start teasing her about it. But she’d nearly fallen off the chair when he told her Colm had begun openly seeing Nicky, some guy who’d recently moved to Castlegate and started working at the café.
And then, to complete her upset and utter embarrassment about the situation, soon after that, she discovered she was pregnant. She immediately resolved not to tell Colm or indeed anyone else who the father was. Pregnant by the town gay? How mortifying!
But now, it finally was all out in the open, and Colm knew everything.
And strangely, Emma thought, as she stood on the doorstep outside his house, he didn’t seem all that upset by her news – certainly not as upset as she’d expected him to be at any rate. Yes, there would be plenty to sort out, but for some reason, Emma suspected that things mightn’t be that bad after all.
Still slightly dazed, Colm looked from Emma to Nicky and back again. Then, he shook his head from side to side. “Emma, please come inside for a cup of coffee,” he said, smiling faintly at the absurdity of it all. “I think the three of us have a lot to talk about.”
Back at the McGrath house, Liz was still trying to pick her jaw up off the floor.
“Colm from the café?” she spluttered. “Gay Colm?”
“I know,” Eric said shrugging. “Believe me, I was as surprised as you are. Although, probably not as shocked,” he added wryly. “Colm is a very confused man – has been for a very long time.”
“I’ll say!”
“Remember I told you before that he was a bit of a catch with the girls in the village when we were younger?” Eric shook his head in exasperation. “To be honest, over the years I think he’s had some sort of fling with most of the girls from around here.”
Liz was still shaking her head. “Well, fair enough if he’s confused – I’ve known guys like that myself – but what on earth was Emma thinking? Colm’s in a relationship – with a man! Surely she didn’t expect him to forget all about that for her? I mean, I know she’s good-looking but she’s not that –”
“He wasn’t with this guy when he and Emma . . . got together,” Eric explained. “And afterwards, she really thought she was in with a chance. Turned out it was the complete opposite. I felt a bit sorry for her, to be honest. She really was mad about him.”
“I can’t believe this!” Liz gasped. “What kind of weird people live in this village?”
Despite himself, Eric raised a smile. “Look, I know it sounds a bit weird to you now, but you don’t know what Colm is like. Ask Tara – everyone here has always known that Colm wasn’t quite sure himself about his own sexuality, and all this excessive womanising was simply part of that. And, as you can probably imagine, it certainly wouldn’t have been easy for him to come out properly – not in Castlegate anyway. But then, when Nicky came along . . .” Eric shrugged, “he told me he’d eventually decided to hell with the begrudgers after all – he was happy with this person and he wasn’t going to give that up simply because of what people thought. I suppose the fact that he’s more mature and now much better able to handle it all helped.”
“And times have changed – even in Castlegate.”
“Yes. Look, Liz, Colm still doesn’t know Emma’s pregnant, by the way – undoubtedly as far as he’s concerned it was just another of his idiotic attempts at figuring out what the hell he wanted. Look, I know what you’re thinking, but believe me Emma’s realised just how stupid she’s been, and she’s terrified that it’ll get out that they’ve slept together. She hasn’t been keeping the father a secret because she’s afraid he’ll find out about it, Liz; she’s keeping it a secret because she’s embarrassed about the entire situation. Seducing the town gay? Think about it.”
Liz didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. She believed her husband when he said he hadn’t been cheating on her and that he’d been meeting Emma because they knew one another’s secrets. But she was still hurt that he hadn’t felt able to tell her about losing his job. She could imagine just how delighted the vindictive little cow would have been about finding out Eric’s situation and helping him keep it hidden from his wife.
And she was convinced that Emma had in the meantime been purposely trying to plant seeds of doubt in her mind about Eric. Why else would she be blatantly sending him texts and making supposedly innocent phone calls? The bitch had known exactly what she was doing in trying to make her suspicious and it had worked! Though convincing Eric of this might be difficult, given that he seemed to see Emma as some kind of confidante.
And although it still galled her to think that Eric and this horrible person had for the last while been meeting in secret to talk through their individual problems, she knew that she couldn’t say too much about it. They were old friends at the end of the day and there was nothing Liz could do to change that. Granted, she’d make sure Eric stayed well away from the little witch for the next while, and Liz would ensure she stayed well away from Emma herself – otherwise there was no knowing what she’d do!
“So, now you know,” Eric said then. “Now you know that I wasn’t cheating on you. Although I can’t believe for one second that you would think something like that, and if I had known you’d even suspected it . . .” The rest of the sentence trailed off. “Liz, I love you so much. All I’ve ever wanted was to make you and Toby happy, to look after the two of you like my dad never did for me and my mum. That’s why I didn’t want to tell you I’d lost my job – at least not until I’d had a chance to try and find another one, a decent one. I just didn’t want to disappoint you.” He shook his head and took Liz’s hands in his. “You two are my life, and I don’t know what I would do if I lost you. I would never sacrifice that – you’ve got to believe me.”
Liz looked into her husband’s face and knew instinctively that he was telling the truth. OK, so she still didn’t fully understand his need to keep the news about his job a secret from her; after all it wasn’t as though he was sitting on his backside refusing to do anything else. He still was working – even if it was just in a bar. But Liz knew only too well that it was very difficult to try and live up to other people’s expectations, and sometimes even more difficult not to. She had to give him the benefit of the doubt.
“I do know that, love,” she replied, squeezing his hand. “But I think you and I have a lot to sort out. I’m hurt that you didn’t tell me, and doubly hurt that you felt able to confide in someone else. And it’s not a question of you having to take care of me and Toby. We’re a partnership and we look after one another.”
“I know, but can you at least understand how all this happened? As far as I was concerned, it was all innocent between Emma and me. I had no idea you suspected anything about the two of us. As far as I was concerned, we were just two old friends discussing our individual troubles. Of course, Emma turned to me a lot because she didn’t have anybody else, and also because I know Colm well, so I could understand better than most why it had happened. She’s so embarrassed by it, Liz.”
“And well she should be.”
“But look, now that I’ve told you everything, including Emma’s private business, will you promise not to breathe a word to anyone about it? Not even Tara?”
Liz sighed deeply as she thought about it. “Well, I don’t like the girl, you probably know that by now, but at the same time it’s none of my business what she does – thank God,” she added, eyeing Eric who smiled ruefully. “So I won’t say a word.” And despite all that had gone on these last few months, she felt a stab of pity for Emma and her pathetic existence.
So what if Colm had been the love of her life but ultimately rejected her for a different lifestyle? All it meant was that for once Emma Harrington didn’t get what she wanted. But by pursuing such a foolhardy and destructive course of action, the girl had eventually ensured that she’d got a hell of a lot more than she’d bargained for.
But thank God, thank God, it wasn’t Eric.