Somehow this story has been waiting to tell itself for all thirty-eight years of my life. The process of putting it on paper created a healing of its own. Gail Hochman received this book with open arms and celebration. She asked critical questions to help sharpen my focus and wandered with me to make my words sing the right song. When Dan Smetanka told me I had written the book with my hair on fire, I knew that he knew. He has a remarkable ear for language and always knows when my prose is taking too many liberties for its own good. I thank him for his expert guidance, enthusiasm, and ability to make me laugh so hard my cheeks hurt.
Thank you to Megan Fishmann, Jennifer Abel Kovitz, and Sarah Baline for their tireless and smart work in spreading the news of this book. The whole team at Counterpoint Press and Catapult has been a dream team.
I wrote the first draft during a twelve-day residency at the Taft-Nicholson Environmental Humanities Center in the Centennial Valley of Montana. That time away from family and work responsibilities allowed the book to come to fruition. I will always be grateful for the quiet cabin and open stretches of dirt road. Every artist should be granted such an opportunity. Months earlier, on a summer day, I sat in the public library reading Isabelle Allende’s Paula and happened upon my book structure; Brian Doyle’s Mink River also introduced me to the possibility in a run-on sentence. These books gave me permission to experiment in the way I needed. For research, the following books gave me important insight: Her Blood Is Gold by Lara Owen, The Healing Power of the Sacred Woman by Christine Page, and Wild Feminine by Tami Lyn Kent. Books are living creatures. Thank you to those that draw us closer to the human heart.
My readers gave me confidence to know this story mattered. Thank you. Jennifer Gandin Le kept me real and generous on my page; Lauren Besser guarded my inner tiger and held the family story together; Hannah Miller helped me zoom out and zoom in; Courtney Martin validated and wondered and supported my efforts to start broader conversations; Jen Bloomer asked thoughtful questions and dialogued with me about the tricky stuff; Kelsey Sather ran over the manuscript with a fine-tooth comb and grew with me as we co-created Thunderhead Writers’ Collective; Holcomb Darby gifted me with a grounded context and believed in this project from the very beginning.
Thank you to Mira Ptacin for her huge heart, inclusivity, and willingness to do anything to support the book, the collective uterus, and me. Laura Munson has been a friend, mentor, and fellow Montana writer soul sister. I thank her for her depth and presence.
Oh, the net that catches me is wide. Thank you to those who have influenced me during some part of this process: Janice Conti; Sophie Esser; Jen Marlow; Kate Seely; Kimberlee Auerbach Berlin; Dane Springmeyer; Sally Gepp; and Katinka Locascio, who introduced me to fertility awareness method, vulvas made of clay, breath, and the joys of New York City and continues to be one of my dearest go-to people. The Dabney women—Susan, Samantha, and Eliza—have shaped my girlhood and womanhood. I bow to Sam’s ability to love and thrive under the hardest of circumstances. She is my clearest inspiration.
I remain ever thankful for my Bozeman clan of folks who continue to walk this parenthood and adulthood journey with me: Holcomb and Conor Darby, Louisa and Frank Carter (Frank was the #1 enthusiast for this book before having read it, and facilitated my time at Taft-Nicholson), Rebecca Fahrner and Mark Tumason, Sarah and Matt Skoglund, Cally and Dan Knapp, Geraldine Govaerts and Gregg Smith, Suzanne and Eric Bendick, Shasta Grenier, Sarah Webb, Vanessa Skelton, Sara Wellington, Jaime June, Rae and Ryan Byrnes, and all the women of the Maternal Mental Health group who envisioned and created Moms Like Me, Anna Ourusoff, Stacey Tompkins, and Debby Greene.
Thank you to all the people in my writing workshops. You have taught me how to write and facilitate and be many layers of human.
Though a woman does the birthing, her support people are essential. Thank you to midwives Stacey Haugland and Kattie Jones and Dr. Luke Omohundro for shepherding Eula into this world safely. I am forever grateful for the decisions you each made during that twenty-four-hour period. Thank you to midwives April Mellito, Jazmin Price, and Kayla Wright and nurse Rae Byrnes for your support and care as our second babe grew and then made her way with ease into the water.
I often wonder what would have happened had I not crossed paths with Dr. Holcomb Johnston. We grew into pregnancy and motherhood together and she has navigated the dual roles of friend and doctor with such grace. I thank her for her devotion, humility, and intelligence. She got to the root of my health challenge right away. It prevented me years of climbing up the wrong tree. Every woman and man and child should have access to holistic care.
Thank you to my far-flung brothers, Peter and Alex, for growing me up and for being characters in my story. I miss you every day. My sister-in-law Valerie is all love and I am lucky to have her in my life. Rebecca, Charlie, Rachel, and Elena Besser read the passage about them and discussed it with openness and care. I thank them for always having my back. My cousin-friend-sister Lauren Besser is lifeblood for me. We live radically different lives and yet share a radical spirit.
My parents, Mary and Ken, lived this story with me. For five years, they have operated as a backbone for us—conversation, caring for grandkids, meals, and an upbeat presence just past the cottonwoods down a dirt driveway. They have taught me to believe anything is possible. I thank them for appreciating the truth-teller in me. My mom gave me her blessing before she knew what her role was in the book and, then knowing, gave it to me again. That says everything about her.
This is my story. It is also our story. Chris has always been my first reader. He has also, so far, been a main character in each of my books. Not once has he censored what I write about him or us. Above that, he created space for my writing, reminded me that my healing process was connected to my writing process, and continues to co-parent our kids with such love and play. He is our steady. We have journeyed through many weather systems together. I thank him for it all and for letting our story go public in the hope it helps other couples feel less alone.
My deepest thanks go to my girls, Eula and Bo, who set me on this path. You are both my healers. One of you cracked me open; the other has planted seeds in the crack. You are 4½ and 1 at the publication of this book. May it release you from my body story so you can live into your own. I wrote it for you and for all the girls and boys. Your generation is rewriting the script of how to be a person who expresses both the feminine and masculine. You already know how. I am eager to learn from you. I am so honored to be your mother.