As I walked home from school that afternoon, I decided that if Comrade Li planned to send us away, I would talk Mother into hiding until we could find Father. But I wasn’t sure who would dare take us in. My head hurt as I tried to remember friends we used to have and patients my parents had treated.
Inside our courtyard, a stage made from old tables sat in front of our building. I instantly broke out in a sweat. Today was the day I had feared for so long.
Comrade Li sat on the edge of the stage, smoking. Pimple Face, Short Legs, and Mouse Eyes gathered around him. Gao, Yu, and three other boys from my class huddled around a rectangular blackboard on the ground.
I walked toward them, forcing myself not to show fear, but my steps became shaky. I wasn’t sure if I should run.
No wonder Gao wore a big grin and had whispered to his gang all afternoon. I sensed they were talking about me, but I had no way to know for sure. When the bell rang at the end of the school day, they’d raced out of the classroom.
Comrade Li saw me first. He pointed with his cigarette-yellowed finger. “There’s the enemy. Go get her!” he called out shrilly.
All eyes turned to me. Gao and Yu jumped up. When my eyes met Gao’s, he hesitated.
Pimple Face pushed him from behind. “Go! We are here to protect you.”
As I reached for my belt, Gao screamed, “She is going to hit me!” and ran.
Short Legs and Mouse Eyes rushed to me, grabbed my arms, and twisted them back. Pain spread through my body as I kicked and cursed. Yu pushed Gao forward. He yanked my belt away without looking into my eyes. Together, they pushed me in front of Comrade Li. I could see a few greasy black sesame
seeds stuck on his chin. I turned my face away from him. Comrade Li took a puff of his cigarette and blew smoke into my face. My throat felt like it was being scratched by fish bones, and I broke into a hacking cough.
“Take her onstage!” he barked.
Short Legs and Mouse Eyes dragged me up while Gao and Yu kicked and punched me from behind.
Uncrossing his legs, Comrade Li shouted through his loudspeaker. “Time for a meeting! Everyone! Report to the courtyard!”
I stopped struggling and stood in the middle of the stage. I looked toward our windows, hoping Mother was not home. Maybe she had gone to deliver the medicine balls to Gardener Zong. But I saw something move behind the kitchen curtain. It was Mother’s gray hair. I gasped for breath and prayed she wouldn’t come out.
Short Legs, Pimple Face, and Yu were behind me. Gao stood to my left, holding the blackboard with a loop of rope over one end. Now I saw the white characters on it: LING APOLOGIZES TO GAO!
Why should I apologize to him? His threat to cut off my hair or his accusing Father of being a spy?
The clouds shifted away to the east. The warm air brushed my face. About a dozen people—old men, women, and young children—dragged themselves out of neighboring buildings. They whispered among themselves. Others were still at work. Two middle-aged nurses who worked at night like Mother had just returned from shopping. One carried a wok and a spatula; the other swung a basketful of muddy vegetables. A little round-faced boy wanted to climb onto the stage, but his grandmother scooped him up. He started crying.
“Quiet! Quiet!” Comrade Li raised his free hand. “You are here today to witness a public apology. Ling, apologize to Gao now,” ordered Comrade Li through the speaker.
“No,” I snarled. “Never!”
He jumped onto the stage and grabbed the front of my jacket. “Apologize!” Comrade Li shouted, his foul breath blowing into my face.
“No!” I glared at him, remembering the baby doctor’s brave son.
His hand came across my face, once, twice, and a third time. My cheeks stung, and I tasted blood in my mouth.
A surge of fear gripped me. I saw the image of the baby doctor’s son rolling and bleeding on the ground.
The slapping finally stopped. “Gao, bring the board here.” I opened my eyes. Comrade Li waved his hand. Wearing a big grin, Gao moved close to me, holding the board.
There, coming out of our building, was Mother. She staggered toward us, looking terrified. I shivered in the October sun.
If they saw her, they would turn on her, too. I did not feel one bit sorry for my fight with Gao, but I regretted putting Mother in danger. If they were going to punish someone, let it be just me.
“I apologize to Gao,” I said weakly. I couldn’t believe the words came out. Overwhelmed by shame, tears welled up. I forced them down and wished I had enough courage to take the belt from Gao and whip him to the ground. In truth, I was uncertain whether I could take more beating. Even more, I was scared of
what they would do to Mother. I decided I must do anything to protect her.
“What?” Comrade Li sounded surprised.
“I apologize to Gao!” Raising my voice, I straightened up. Short Legs and Pimple Face loosened their grip, and they let go of my arms.
I turned to Gao, grabbed the board from him, and threw the rope over my head. “I will announce my apology to the whole hospital,” I said loudly.
Silence fell.
I jumped off the stage and took the wok and spatula from the nurse standing in front. She looked surprised but didn’t stop me. Rapping the wok with the spatula, I began to chant. Bang! “I apologize to Gao!” Bang! For his stupidity.
I had to distract them. I’d do anything, anything, to lead them away from Mother. That was the only way to keep her safe.
Bang! Bang! “I apologize to Gao!” For his being so ugly.
The board was heavier than I expected. The rope cut into the back of my neck through my black cotton sweater.
Gao and Yu giggled behind me.
As long as I am alive, I will seek revenge. Bang! “I apologize to Gao!”
A few children joined in my chant. Strangely, the shame became less overwhelming.
“Louder!” Gao barked, pushing me hard from behind.
I teetered. In the corner of my eye, I saw Aunt Wu dragging Mother toward our building.
Bang! Feeling relief, I raised my voice. “I apologize to Gao!”
Wearing an amused, wicked smile, Comrade Li walked along in measured steps.
A few drops of rain fell on my burning cheeks, which must have been swelling. Clouds now covered most of the sun.
As I walked through the front gate of the courtyard onto Victory Road, the bicycles and rickshaws halted to let me cross. I stopped chanting, embarrassed and rattled by all the people on the street with their eyes fastened on me. They whispered and pointed.
Gao kicked me and shouted, “Don’t stop! Apologize to me!”
Bang! Bang! “I apologize to Gao!” For his being born.
My feet locked on the ground the moment I entered the hospital gate. A small crowd of doctors and nurses was already gathering inside. A big army truck parked beside them. My stomach churned when I recognized two of the six men in police uniforms who climbed out—Chopstick and Belly! I wished I had found a place for Mother and me to hide. How wrong I was to hope life would get better after Mao’s death.
Comrade Li’s smile faded for a moment and then returned. He pulled my ear from behind and said, “They have arrived for you at a good time!”
I shook my head forcefully, and my ear slipped from his fingers.
“After they haul you away,” he said with a shrewd smile, “it will be your mother’s turn. She will have to confess that she ordered you to kill this loyal Young Pioneer.” He patted Gao’s shoulder.
Despair overcame me. All my pain and humiliation had been for nothing. It had been foolish to think Comrade Li would forget about Mother. I thought about attacking Comrade Li with the spatula. As if reading my mind, Pimple Face yanked the wok and spatula out of my hands.
“Hello, comrades!” Comrade Li screeched. “Here is your little bourgeois prisoner.” He pushed me forward, almost bumping me into Chopstick. I struggled to stay upright and dug my fingers into the edge of the shameful blackboard.
Standing there like a bee bound in a spiderweb, I knew it was no use to run.
Chopstick pushed me aside.
“No. We are here for you!” Belly jabbed at Comrade Li’s chest with a baton, baring his broad teeth. “You are under arrest for being in Jiang Qing’s gang.” He laughed with a gurgling sound from his throat.
I stumbled to the nearest wall to support myself. The crowd kept its distance, watching. Comrade Li screamed insults at Chopstick and tried to hit him with his loudspeaker. Chopstick stepped aside. With his baton, Belly knocked the loudspeaker to the ground.
“You think you are untouchable?” Chopstick punched Comrade Li in the face. Two streams of blood trickled from his nose.
“I am a real Maoist!” screamed Comrade Li. “You
can’t treat me like this!” Bloody saliva flowed from his mouth. His face was as red as a rooster’s comb, and his eyes shone with desperate tears. A large crowd formed around them.
“You’re not a Maoist. You’re just a little rotten shrimp in Jiang Qing’s gang.” Whistles and jeers from the crowd joined Chopstick’s loud laughter.
What was the difference between a Maoist and Jiang Qing’s gang? They had both helped Mao kill so many people. Did he hold the meeting today without Comrade Sin because he sensed his days were numbered? Could I dare hope this time that our lives might finally get better? But Father, where was my father?
Two policemen twisted Comrade Li’s arms behind his back and handcuffed his wrists. Chopstick pushed Comrade Li’s neck down, stretching his head so low, he probably saw only the yellow leaves on the ground. I removed the board from my neck. With my fingers, I drew an X through the chalk characters. Gao stared at me. I made a wolf face at him, and he looked away. Suddenly, he darted toward the truck parked next to the gate. In the back sat Comrade Sin, his head
shaking back and forth with something stuffed in his mouth.
My head spun. They had arrested his father! So Gao had become an antirevolutionary, too. No one could make me apologize for hitting a People’s Enemy. I pictured his crying face as the Young Pioneers ripped the red scarf from around his short neck.
They dragged Comrade Li back into the courtyard. Belly kicked the back of Comrade Li’s knees with his army boot. Comrade Li stopped kicking and swinging from side to side. But he didn’t stop yelling “You can’t treat me like this! I love Chairman Mao!”
“Shut up! We have put Jiang Qing in jail, and now we can treat you any way we want,” roared Chopstick, stuffing a dirty rag into Comrade Li’s mouth. Everyone watched in silence. I couldn’t tell if they were happy or surprised. The crowd grew larger.
Four men pulled Comrade Li onto the stage. The muscles in his face twitched as if a cockroach tickled inside his mouth. Had he ever expected a day like this? Too bad he didn’t have long hair for me to cut.
Pimple Face started banging the wok with the spatula. As he circled the courtyard, he called out,
“Everyone to the courtyard!” Bang! “Witness the public trial!” Bang! “Of the Jiang Qing gang member!” Short Legs, Mouse Eyes, and Yu yelled along. “Witness the public trial!” Bang! “Jiang Qing gang!” Bang!
I couldn’t believe how fast they had turned against Comrade Li.
As the crowd closed in around the stage, I searched for Mother. Why wasn’t she here? Remembering the white rope under her bed, I ran upstairs to our home. As I reached for my key, the door flew open. I froze, afraid to blink, fearing that what I saw might disappear.
It was Father! He looked older and smaller than I remembered. Fish-tail wrinkles spread from the corners of his eyes toward his mostly gray hair. Yet he stood straight, head held high. The light in his eyes was just as I remembered.
I had dreamed of this moment, practicing a thousand times what I would say. Now all I could do was stare.
Father murmured something I couldn’t quite hear.
My hands flew up to cover my aching cheeks. Realizing how grimy my fingers were, I hid them in the pockets of my baggy jacket. I wished I had a
Mao’s hat to cover my shaved head. Was he surprised to see that his little girl now looked so ugly? The shouts, chants, and banging on the wok from the courtyard drowned out rolling thunder from a distant storm. I stood frozen. I had pictured crying at this moment, but where were my tears?
Father opened his arms. “Come here, my beautiful girl!” He wrapped his arms around me.
I buried my face in his shoulder. He smelled just as I remembered. Like a tightly rolled tea leaf dropped in hot water, I unfolded, feeling lighter by the second. Happy tears showered my face. Father’s arms squeezed out all the sadness and suffering.
Outside, the sun pushed through the dark clouds.
Mother stood next to us, smiling. “The new party secretary in the hospital decided your father has completed his re-education. He will be working as a doctor again.”
“I would have been home earlier.” Father wrapped his arms around us. “But the police wanted to make only one trip. I had to wait until they were ready to arrest Comrade Li and Comrade Sin. Oh, we can’t call them Comrade anymore, can we?”
We laughed until our stomachs were sore, echoing the cheers in the courtyard. When I looked up, I saw my hidden hope through Mao’s smiling face. I vowed that someday I would find my way to the Golden Gate Bridge.