Today, being a single mother isn’t unusual. Nearly 40% of all babies in the United States are now born outside of marriage. Women of all ages have made the same decision you have, but most single mothers-to-be are in their 20s—the average age is 26½. Fewer than 15% of single mothers are divorced. Nearly 45% of single mothers consider themselves truly single. Eight percent of single moms have a same-sex partner.
Situations vary from woman to woman—the reason a woman chooses to have a child without a spouse is different for different women. Some women are deeply involved with the baby’s father but have chosen not to marry. Some women are pregnant without their partner’s support. Still other single women have chosen donor (artificial) insemination as a means of getting pregnant. No matter what the personal situation for each woman, single mothers share many concerns. We hope to cover many of these concerns in this chapter.
Families today are different than they were in the past. Many children don’t have a complete set of parents or grandparents, even in the closest family units. In these situations, an older family friend can be just as loving as a grandparent. Encourage friends to take an active part in your child’s life. Support groups for single parents can also be a valuable source of information and help. Ask your healthcare provider for the names of groups in your area.
As your pregnancy begins to show, people may ask why you chose to be a single mother. Answers to this question vary greatly. Marriage doesn’t meet the needs of some women, but their desire to be mothers—to give birth and be a parent—is very strong.
In many situations—whether a mother is single, widowed or divorced—a child’s overall environment is more important than the presence of a man in the household. Women head the majority of single-parent households in the United States. Studies indicate if a woman has other supportive adults to depend on, a child can fare well in a home headed by a single woman.
People may ask you the most intimate questions during your pregnancy, especially if you are single. If you believe you need to answer their questions, decide early how detailed an explanation you want to provide.
Some people may think your choice is unwise and tell you you’re crazy to have a baby alone. However, your true friends won’t treat you this way. Once they understand your situation, they’ll be supportive. If anyone gives you a hard time, change the subject. Don’t discuss your reasons for having a baby with anyone unless you want to.
Even if you are “alone,” you’re not really alone. Seek support from family and friends. Mothers of young children can identify with your experiences—they have had similar ones recently. If you have friends or family members with young children, talk with them. You would probably share your concerns with these people if you were married. Try not to let your particular situation alter this.
Sometimes a single woman’s family is against her decision to have a baby. If you’re comfortable with your decision, ask family members to talk to you about the reasons they are uncomfortable with your pregnancy. You may not change their minds—you have no control over that. You do have control over your response. Learn to live with their disapproval or ignore it.
Some women choose not to marry their partners. If this is your situation, you may find people assume you and your partner are married, especially if you’re pregnant and together. In most cases, it’s nobody’s business; however, do tell your healthcare provider about the situation.
Emotional upheavals aren’t uncommon for many women during pregnancy. If coping with emotions is hard for you, talk with your healthcare provider. Office personnel will know about support groups, or they can direct you to a counselor if that’s what you need.
You may find yourself feeling separate and apart from family and friends. Make friends with other single moms for emotional and spiritual support. It will also provide you a support group for social interaction and exchanging child care and other tasks.
Many single moms find it easier to live and parent when they share expenses and daily activities with family or friends by living together.
Finding someone to count on for help during your pregnancy and after your baby arrives is a concern for many single pregnant women. One friend said she thought about whom she would call at 2am if her baby were crying uncontrollably. When she answered that question, she had the name of someone she believed she could count on in any type of emergency—during or after pregnancy!
Choose someone to be with you when you labor and deliver and someone who will be there to help afterward. The only part of labor and delivery that might require special planning because you’re single is your plan to get to the hospital to deliver. One woman wanted her friend to drive but couldn’t reach her when the time came. Her next option (all part of the plan) was to call a taxi, which got her to the hospital in plenty of time.
Finding a labor coach probably won’t be difficult. Not all women choose their partners for the job; you can ask a good friend or a relative. A woman who has given birth using the method you have chosen is an excellent choice. She understands your feelings and can identify closely with your experience.
If you can’t think of someone, discuss it with your healthcare provider. He or she may suggest other single mothers who might volunteer to coach you during labor.
Professional labor coaches are available; they are called doulas. Contact Doulas of North America for information about trained doulas/labor coaches in your area.
One of the most important aspects of your pregnancy and life with baby is your financial situation. Do you have insurance to cover baby? What about health insurance? Do you have a will and life insurance? These are things to address now or in the near future.
Are you like nearly 60% of all Americans—are you “will-less”? It’s understandable; most people feel uncomfortable thinking about their own death and planning for it. But now is the time to rethink your procrastination if you don’t have a will. You need to take care of it before your baby’s birth. It’s important to have a will for the sake of your child.
Time-Saving, Energy-Saving Tip
Use the Internet to save time and energy. You can shop online, gather information, connect with other pregnant women—you can do a lot without leaving home!
If you have already written a will, kudos to you. Now is the time to check it for any changes or additions you may want to make. You may want to make various changes, such as renaming or updating beneficiaries.
The most important aspect of a new or amended will is to name a guardian for your child. If something happens to you, who will care for him or her? Naming someone to care for your baby may be one of the most important things you can address at this time. Without a will that names a guardian, the courts decide who will care for your child.
There are a few things you must think about as you begin this process. Consider the following things as you consider whom you will choose for this important responsibility.
•Whom would you trust the most to care for your child?
•What is the age of this person?
•How good is his or her health?
•Is this person stable, financially and emotionally?
•Does he or she have a family, with children close to the same age? (This could be positive or negative.)
•Will your child grow up knowing this person?
•Does this person have the same values as you?
•Can this person handle the money you would leave for the care of your child?
•Whom could you choose if this person says “No” or couldn’t care for your child in the future? (It’s good to name at least two people in your will.)
Some people will tell you that you don’t need an attorney to draw up your will if you don’t have a lot of property or many assets. They believe the do-it-yourself will kits available in some stores or on various computer programs cover all the bases. Some are fairly thorough; however, if you’re not an attorney, you may be saving money now, but it could cost your child later.
You want to make sure you dot all the i’s and cross all the t’s and you have jumped through all the legal hoops so your wishes will be followed. The only way you can guarantee that is to use an attorney to oversee writing your will.
The cost of hiring an attorney to draw up a will can run from a few hundred dollars to a thousand dollars or more. However, we believe it’s worth it to give you the peace of mind that your wishes will be followed regarding who cares for your child and who inherits or handles your money and assets. In addition, you may want to have an attorney handle your will if you have a complicated life situation.
If you use a do-it-yourself will kit, you may want to ask an attorney to check it over for you when you’re finished, to be sure you have covered everything. It may cost a little extra, but it could be well worth it if it saves your child problems in the future.
Now that you’ve made your will, it’s time to arrange where some of the money will come from to care for your child. This is most often provided through a life-insurance policy. While you’re examining your life insurance, also take a look at the other types of insurance you have. You need to examine your life insurance, health/medical insurance, disability insurance and homeowner’s or renter’s insurance. Look at the coverage you have now, and determine what type of coverage you’ll need after baby’s arrival. It’s time to make any necessary changes!
When your employer provides insurance of any type, check with the human resources representative for specific information about insurance and its benefits. Don’t overlook this important resource.
If something happens to you, you want to be assured your child will be provided for and financially taken care of until he or she is an adult. It’s important to have enough life insurance to cover raising your child through college. The U.S. government estimates it costs close to $300,000 to raise a child born today through the age of 18. Add to that the projected costs of college in 18 years. This is the amount of coverage you should have. You need enough coverage to ensure there will be enough money to care for your child.
Time-Saving, Energy-Saving Tip
If your kids string beads or if you have projects that have a lot of small parts, one easy way to keep them neat is to use an ice-cube tray to hold everything in easy-to-get-to compartments.
Pull out any existing policies, and check the details. How much life-insurance coverage do you have? Do you have any coverage through your employer? How much is it? Most experts recommend 8 to 12 times a person’s annual income to maintain a decent level of living for their children to grow up and to get through college.
Determine how much child-care expenses cost in your area for a year, and add the cost of any help you would need in your home. A sum 10 times that yearly amount would provide you with a cushion to help provide care for your child.
If you discover you need to increase your life-insurance coverage, the best advice we can give you is, “Shop around!” Various companies offer different rates for the same coverage. You can contact some agencies or check on the Internet; compare the cost of policies from several sources.
If you have an accident that requires you to take time off your job, disability insurance is good coverage to have. This insurance pays you a predetermined amount of money while you’re disabled or unable to work. Most employers provide some disability insurance, but you should have enough insurance to cover between 65 and 75% of your income.
The drawbacks to disability insurance through an employer are that coverage stops when you leave the job and benefits are often fairly low. In addition, there is a difference, taxwise, between employer-sponsored policies and a policy you purchase on your own. If the company pays the premium, you’ll pay taxes on any money you receive. If you pay the premium, income you receive is tax free.
If you decide to buy a policy, look for one guaranteed renewable that can’t be canceled until you’re 65. The best policies define “being disabled” as not being able to work at the job you usually hold. Some less-expensive policies pay you only if you cannot do any type of work. Avoid these cheaper policies. Also check out the waiting period—many policies provided by an employer have a 30- to 90-day waiting period. Premiums may be lower if you choose a longer waiting period before benefits begin.
Save for Emergencies and Other Important Needs
If your budget is stretched to its limits right now, how will you cope with an emergency? When something serious happens to you financially—loss of a job, unexpected financial costs, a major illness—will you be able to handle it?
Now is the time to make sure your family will have an emergency fund, if it’s ever needed. You need an emergency fund to help you when you don’t have money coming in, such as a layoff or if you quit your job. You need a minimum of at least 4 months of living expenses or $10,000 to $15,000, whichever is greater. That amount must cover many expenses, including mortgage or rent, utilities, food, transportation, loan payments, credit-card payments, child-care expenses—anything that needs to be paid to maintain your level of living.
If you do decide to establish an emergency fund, it’s a good idea to be sure it is readily available. Put your money in a money-market fund or a higher-interest savings account so you’ll have ready access to it.
Make the effort now to build this fund before baby’s arrival. It could be very helpful if you can’t return to work when you planned or if you incur additional expenses you had not planned for.
It’s always a good idea to set money aside to use solely for your child so you have a fund to meet unexpected emergencies or to take care of various costs as the child grows up. One goal may be to pay for a college education; that is discussed below.
It’s a good idea to start a savings account for baby’s future. Add to it regularly; make it a part of your budget. As your child grows older, you can encourage him or her to add money to the account. This helps teach the child the value of saving and may help establish good savings habits. You don’t have to save a lot of money every time you make a deposit. The key is to start early and be consistent—save a little every month or every paycheck.
It’s a fact you’ll soon realize—your baby will grow quickly. As unbelievable as it may seem now, it won’t be long before he or she is old enough to go to college. In addition to the life-changing (for everyone) event of your offspring leaving home, you may be faced with the life-challenging experience of paying for it all!
It is estimated college expenses could reach $150,000 for a 4-year public university and over $350,000 for a private university by the time your child is ready for school. The earlier you start saving, the more time your money will have to grow. Saving something each month can add up to a significant amount of money in 18 years. The more you save each month, the greater the amount will be when your child needs it for college.
What can you do about it? The best solution we can offer is to start right now to save for your child’s education. Talk to a financial advisor about how to do that.
Paying for child care can be a big-budget item in your household expenses. The cost of infant and toddler care (through age 3) is the highest—it can range from $200 to $400 (or more) a week, depending on the type of care you choose. If you have a nanny, the cost may run as high as $20,000 or more a year. For some families, child care can be 25% or more of the household budget.
Child-care costs don’t drop dramatically as a child gets older—the average cost for a 4-year-old can be over $100 a week. In-home care costs can vary, depending on any placement fees and additional fees you negotiate based on extra tasks you want the caregiver to perform.
Public funding is available for some limited-income families. Title EE is a program paid for with federal funds. Call your local Department of Social Services for further information.
There are some other programs to help deal with child-care costs; they include a federal tax-credit program, the dependent-care-assistance program and earned-income tax credit. These programs are regulated by the federal government; contact the Internal Revenue Service for further information. Of all the children eligible to receive federal child-care assistance, only about 12% actually receive it because programs are not fully funded at this time.
In some situations, a child may have special-care needs. If your baby is born with a disability or a health problem and needs one-on-one attention, it may be harder to find good child care, and it may cost more for that care.
You may be wondering how to fill out baby’s birth certificate. You have options. You can fill in the father’s name or leave it blank. If you don’t want people to know the father’s identity, you can leave it off the birth certificate. If baby’s father is a donor, you can list the name as unknown or confidential.
You don’t have to fill out a birth certificate before leaving the hospital. You may have a few months before this must be turned in. Consult an attorney in your area. However, you must realize you can’t get a social-security number for your baby without providing a birth certificate.
You need to make a decision as to what last name baby will have. Yours? Dad’s? In some states, if you are not married, the father must grant permission for you to use his last name. In some states, a man must sign a parental acknowledgment form before you can list him as the baby’s father on the birth certificate.
Today, a father is required by law to pay child support, even if he is not involved in your child’s life. Consult an attorney to check the laws in your state. If you put the baby’s father’s name on the birth certificate, it may make it easier to ask legally for child support. However, you need to understand this gives the father some legal rights.
Going home from the hospital may seem overwhelming at first. You’ll need lots of support when you come home with baby. You’ll be fine if you plan ahead and enlist a little help. Consider asking family members, friends, coworkers and neighbors to help out. You’ll probably need the most help the first month. Some chores and errands people can do include some alone time for you, laundry, cooking, cleaning and shopping.
A new baby is an incredible challenge in any situation. You may need more support from family and friends because you will have total responsibility for your new baby. If you feel you can’t ask others for their time, consider hiring someone to stay with you at night for the first couple of weeks until you get on your feet.
The decision to have a baby as a single woman has legal ramifications you may not have considered. The following questions have been posed by women who were single mothers. We provide them without answers because they’re questions an attorney who specializes in family law should review. This information can help you clarify the kinds of questions you need to consider as a single mother. Use them as a basis for formulating questions about your own particular situation.
•A friend who had a baby by herself told me I’d better consider the legal aspects of this situation. What was she talking about?
•I’ve heard that in some states, if I’m unmarried, I have to get a special birth certificate. Is that true?
•I’m having my baby alone, and I’m concerned about who can make medical decisions for me and my baby. What can I do about this?
•I’m not married, but I am deeply involved with my baby’s father. Can my partner make medical decisions for me if I have problems during labor or after the birth?
•If anything happens to me, can my partner make medical decisions for our baby after it is born?
•What are the legal rights of my baby’s father if we are not married?
•Do my partner’s parents have legal rights in regard to their grandchild (my child)?
•My baby’s father and I went our separate ways before I knew I was pregnant. Do I have to tell him about the baby?
•I chose to have donor (artificial) insemination. If anything happens to me during my labor or delivery, who can make medical decisions for me? Who can make decisions for my baby?
•I got pregnant by donor insemination. What do I put on the birth certificate under “father’s name”?
•Is there a way I can find out more about my sperm donor’s family medical history?
•Will the sperm bank send me notices if medical problems appear in my sperm donor’s family?
•As my child grows up, she may need some sort of medical help (such as a donor kidney) from a sibling. Will the sperm bank supply family information?
•I had donor insemination, and I’m concerned about the rights of the baby’s father to be part of my child’s life in the future. Should I be ’concerned?
•What type of arrangements must I make for my child in case of my death?
•Someone joked to me that my child could marry its sister or brother someday and wouldn’t know it because I had donor insemination. Is this possible?
•What other things should I consider because of my unique situation?