Shortly after letting the Israelites leave Egypt, the Pharaoh realized he had made a terrible mistake. Sure, killer angels had just slaughtered a large percentage of his people’s children, and the streets were a disgusting stew of blood, frogs, and locusts, and it was hailing and dark, and everybody had lice and boils, and Jerry Lewis would not shut up. But on the other hand, the Pharaoh had just lost his free labor force, to say nothing of what the Israelites’ departure was going to do to the Egyptian entertainment industry. Also, the Pharaoh was a huge fan of gefilte fish, which his Egyptian chefs couldn’t seem to get right no matter how hard he had them flogged.
So the Pharaoh sent his army to bring the Israelites back. His soldiers caught up with them on the banks of the Sea of Reeds, where the Israelites were discussing the fact that a sea of reeds seemed to be blocking their escape route.
When they saw the Egyptian army, the Israelites were afraid and cried out, “Oh crap! Boy, are we royally screwed now! No pun intended!” But they were wrong, for at that moment, Adonai told Moses to lift his rod. Moses was briefly uncomfortable with this command, but then he remembered that he was carrying a walking stick. He raised it, and a strong east wind parted the waters of the sea, leaving space for the Israelites to cross over dry land and also pick up an array of interesting seashells that would have otherwise been inaccessible.
The Egyptian army, none of whom apparently had been paying the slightest attention to anything happening in Egypt over the previous couple of weeks, decided it would be a good idea to follow them.
Moses lifted his rod again, and the waters rushed back and covered the Egyptian soldiers, along with their horses and chariots. We forgot to mention that they had horses and chariots. That was why it was so easy for them to catch up to the Israelites. Anyhoo, they all died a horrible death. Then Moses’s sister, Miriam, led the women in joyous dance and song, thanking Adonai for saving their lives. They tried to get Moses to dance, but he declined despite the ballroom dancing lessons he had taken when he was a prince.
“You should save your strength,” Moses advised. “We still have to walk to the land of Canaan, and it is at least ninety minutes away.” He was correct, in the sense that it took longer.