• Holiday candles, but not those crappy little Chanukah ones
• Carafe of wine
• Carafe of Long Island Iced Tea (optional)
• Seder Plate (family heirloom; if you do not have a family heirloom Seder plate, just purchase the ugliest plate you can find)
• Cup for Elijah
• Carafe of Long Island Iced Tea for Elijah
• Travel sickness bag for Elijah
• Three matzot, covered
• Thing with which to cover matzot, such as a beautiful embroidered cloth, Star Wars pillowcase, or McDonald’s napkin
• Matzah of Hope (optional)
• Matzah of Revenge (optional)
• Afikomen bag (can be purchased wherever afikomen bags are sold)
• Pillow(s) for reclining
• Dictionary to answer question of why you can recline, decline, or incline, but you can’t just “cline”
• Although there are a few Kleins out there that I wouldn’t decline, if you know what I mean
• Heh-heh-heh
• Sorry
• Salt water for dipping
• Additional salt water for skinny-dipping
• Empty chair to symbolize those not free to celebrate
• Empty chair to symbolize those who apparently do not care enough about their families, their culture, or basic human decency to attend
• Empty chair that is just an empty chair
• Chairs for actual people to sit in
• People
• Cup, basin, towel for washing
• That is to say, you wash yourself using these things, not that you wash them
• Though probably they should be clean
• Flowers (optional)
• But they do make it nice
• Empty Jack Daniel’s bottle serving as a makeshift vase OR regular vase
• Haggadah for each person
• On second thought, fifteen to seventy Haggadahs (this one) for each person
• Person meaning every person you know
• Wine cup for each person at Seder
• Except babies
• Not sure about recovering alcoholics; probably OK
• Matzah ball soup made by most-Jewish person in attendance
• If no Jews are in attendance, matzah ball soup from a jar is acceptable
• But it should not be eaten
• Gefilte fish (wild and sustainably caught; avoid farmed gefilte fish if possible)
• Actual meal containing food