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The nurse said a few minutes, but I guess she meant fifteen or more. I’m tired. I drove all the way to Spokane, and I haven’t even had coffee today. I’ve been trying to cut back on caffeine because I read online that it’s healthier for the baby.
There’s some irony for you.
Jake’s texted me about fifty times. Wants to know where I am. Why I stormed off like that. When I’ll come home. Reminds me he’s working tonight and has to have the car back by six. I don’t reply.
He can ride his bike.
I’m proud of myself that I made this decision. I should have done it months ago. It would be infinitely easier for everyone involved if I had. But I wanted to pretend it would all work out, that Jake and I could learn to be that little picture-perfect family.
Who was I kidding?
I just wish I’d done it before we got that ultrasound. Before I learned it was a she. That makes it harder. That and the fact that I’ve already felt her kicking around some.
On the drive out here, I passed a car with an Abortion is Murder bumper sticker on it. Made me wonder for a minute if it was a sign. It was right by an exit, too, so I could have gotten off the freeway if I wanted. Turned around and gone home.
Then when I got to Spokane, I passed this church with a billboard in front. Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you. It was some Bible verse, and there was a picture of a cute little Gerber baby with squishy cheeks and triple elbows and huge stinking dimples when she smiled at all the passers-by. The sign had the address for some kind of pregnancy center offering abortion alternatives. I know what that means, and no, I’m not giving my baby up for adoption, thank you very much.
Once my mind is set, nothing changes it. Not even a message splattered across the sky. That’s why I hope the nurse comes back soon. I want to get this taken care of and move on.
I still don’t know what I’ll tell Jake. He loves this baby already. It’s embarrassing the way that a grown man humiliates himself singing songs and making goofy faces at my belly.
He’ll be crushed, but he’ll get over it.
He’ll have to.