It was a long time ago Lucia said she’s gonna come for a visit, maybe six or seven years. I wait for her to call me but she doesn’t call. I don’t know what’s going on, I don’t hear from her anymore. I think, okay, she changed her mind. I try not to think about it. I don’t take it personally. People say things, people do things, these two are not the same, I know that. I hope she’s happy, that’s all.
I could’ve told her when I first started having pain in the balls. But why should I tell her, I think? She lives in South America with her family, I’m not gonna make special phone call just to tell her this, and anyway if she hears it she’s gonna tell me to go see a doctor and I hate doctors, and when I really need doctor I call Jie in Switzerland. Jie’s husband is doctor. So Lucia doesn’t come, it’s okay. I know if something is really wrong, I hear from Jie.
But then the day comes when I have to pee like crazy all the time and I run to the bathroom and there is nothing, always nothing, so finally I go and get the tests. The doctors, they say I’m a man, it’s prostate, and this number is very bad, this number is a little bad, and maybe I do some procedure and maybe it’s gonna help me or maybe it’s not, or maybe it’s only going to change the numbers. I say I don’t care about any stupid numbers, I want to know, will it kill me, and if so, when, and what can they do so I don’t have to pee so fucking bad all the time.
They say, we watch it, so I say okay, fine, we wait, and I go build a house in Meyer, Minnesota. Minnesota, sure, because it’s far away. The land is cheap, the sky here, it’s like crazy forever, you’ve never seen anything like it, so big and clear you can see whole universe. But the winter—the winter! It’s fucking cold like you can’t believe it, you think New York is cold, no way, this place is freezing off your ass, and people ask do I go ice fishing and I look at them—I say, you think a Jew is gonna sit out on the ice eight hours for a fish? So in the winter I go to Israel. I have a big beautiful house there, near Haifa, and it’s sunny all the time. But I can’t take too much of Israelis and all the fucking politics so in summer I come back to Meyer. All the people I know, they make fun of me, look at me like this guy is crazy, and some people ask if it’s near Minneapolis, or a big mall, or Lake Wobegon. No. But when I find out some time later it’s not only prostate, I have testicular cancer, too, it turns out famous clinic is couple hours away.
Two months ago, the cancer shoots to my lungs. That’s when I find her, Lucia, I call and I tell her everything and immediately she comes. From Ecuador.
The lungs? I can’t believe it didn’t start there, she says. Always, she’s hated my smoking.
You see? I tell her. I never do nothing wrong with my balls.
She is a little bit fatter, rounder face, heavier middle, but she is still beautiful. Beautiful dancing eyes, beautiful smile, like a girl.
But now she’s angry. She says, You tell me five years ago I would’ve come five years ago and now you’re like this. You need a machine to help you pee. I laugh and she has to start laughing, too, because this is what me and Lucy do.
I say, Everybody’s gonna die.
She says, You should’ve told me.
I say, You have a daughter, you have family, you have a life. I know how to take care of myself.
And she is crying and I say, It’s okay, sweetie, hey, you’re here with me now.
• • •
Lucia, she drives to hospital, she’s demanding to know the options. More options, she says. What are the options. She’s trying to save me, but the cancer starts in testicles and spreads to kidneys and lungs by now. So then she flies to New York, only for one night, and she brings back a giant suitcase.
Did you get that on Orchard Street? I say.
She says, No. Orchard Street is different now.
The suitcase is stuffed with two things—pineapple buns from my favorite bakery on Mott Street, and special Chinese herbs. You know these herbs, like dried-up sticks and weeds and bugs, not something to put in your mouth. She cooks the herbs in a special pot, boils them all day and night and the house stinks like worse than rot.
I say, I am not dead yet, are you trying to kill me? Get that shit out of my beautiful house! But I say it like Talking Heads say it, my beau-ti-ful house, and she knows I’m a little bit joking.
Just drink it, she says. She hands me a bowl of black soup, like tar for the roads, but full of twigs and tentacles and worms. I won’t drink it, no way. She calls me stupid and stubborn, she is crying again, so finally I drink it, but I go to bathroom and spit it out.
The next week my son Jonny comes. Jonny and me, we have a lot of rough times for some years. In New York he tried to steal from me so many times, he makes trouble in the neighborhood, he gets his ass arrested. I say to his mother, how am I supposed to help a kid like this? I have to send him away, he’s gonna get himself killed here. She says, you are not sending him back, he is teenager and she is not wanting him in the Israeli army, we have huge fights over this. Why not Israeli army, everyone does Israeli army, even sissies, even girls. But instead of Israeli army, I send him to cooking school. And you know what? He does good. But then he comes to me, he says, Dad, I want to open restaurant. I say, what do you know about running restaurant? He says, what did you know about running a store? I say, every day I work at that store, I know everything going on in the store, every delivery guy, every customer, every worker, what they do. Except Uncle Leo, he says. Jonny, my son, he knows how to hurt me, drive a stick into my balls and twist. You see, Leo, he steal from us, too. My cousin Moishe, he is partner of mine for the store. He learns about Leo, he is pissed, he blames me, he wants me to pay him back what Leo stole, so Moishe and me, we fight. I look for Leo but when I finally find him, of course the money is already gone. Money and family, it’s hard to mix, but somehow we have to keep together in this country, look out for each other, this is what we have to do. So I leave New York. I don’t want to fight, it’s best, I’m sick of it anyway. I want quiet. I want peace. I tell Jonny, you work in restaurant business for ten years, you prove to me you know restaurants, I help you start your own. Now I don’t have ten years. Jonny, I worry about him.
This time he comes to my house, he puts his feet up on the coffee table, doesn’t even take off his shoes. One thing, at least he can cook now, and this is good because he takes over the kitchen and he won’t let Lucia foul it up with her stinky herbs. Of course Lucia is unhappy, but she’s not gonna fight with Jonny so she boils the herbs in the night. I say, Aiyaaaa, like Chinese people say. Lucia taught me this. But she is trying so hard. I hold my nose, I drink the soup. Then she tells me this is not enough. She says I have to believe.
• • •
These days I don’t move so well. I have to sit in wheelchair, you can imagine how much I fucking hate this, all the time sitting on my ass. Lucia, she takes me outside, out on the grass behind the house. It’s November, Minnesota jumps into winter in November, nothing left on the trees, so we can sit and watch the lake, but I get cold so fast.
It’s beautiful here, she says.
Yes. In December I am supposed to go to Israel, but this year, I don’t think I’m gonna go.
You need coat, I say to her. She has flimsy purple jacket.
I have fat, she says, laughing. You, you need some fat.
She’s right, I have nothing but bones. When I never am feeling hungry, that’s when I know I am really sick.
We sit around, she goes inside house, comes out with blankets. Not the wool blanket from living room, because she says that one is too scratchy. She brings the blankets from the bed. I use puffy down comforter, king size. Why not? she says. You should be comfortable.
I say okay.
She sits in Adirondack chair next to me, covers herself with blanket, too. We sit, we don’t say nothing for a while, this is okay for Lucia and me.
• • •
Jie, she comes, too, for a few days, all the way from Switzerland. She hasn’t seen Lucia in such a long time. I see the way she is talking to her sister, suspicious, always trying to figure out if Lucia’s okay. And Lucia, I see this, she doesn’t want to talk to Jie. Whenever Jie comes into room, she walks out, and this is painful to see because when I first meet Lucia, all she talks about is her sister, Jie this, Jie that, me and Jie, always cutting hair together in Chinatown, they used to be so close. I ask Lucia what’s going on, she gets angry, she is crying, says I wouldn’t understand. I say, she is your sister, she is blood. I tell her she is making me sad. She says she is sorry, she doesn’t want to make me sad. I say, okay, then don’t. Past is past, let it go.
She says Jie try to control her all the time, always makes her feel bad. I know it’s about the pills, and I don’t like pills, I hate pills, too, I always think Lucia’s perfect, she just needs time to work things out by herself in her head. Always she keeps things locked inside. And Lucia says now her hands shake from the pills, and I can see it also, how sometimes her left eye twitches.
Why don’t you stop? I say. Here is peaceful, calm, you don’t need shitty pills that hurt your body. That stuff is like poison.
It’s not so simple, she says.
• • •
We watch movies. I like action thrillers. I like Denzel Washington so we watch Philadelphia and Malcolm X and that movie about the running away subway train. Denzel, he is a good actor, and seeing subway, it makes me miss New York. If I could sit on that wood bench outside the store with Lucia, like old times, watching the beautiful people going by, I think, that would be nice.
When I first marry Lucia, people wonder who is this Chinese girl? I say, this is Lucia, and everybody likes Lucia. Wherever she goes she is friends with everyone. Lucia is like child in this way, without walls. Even here in Minnesota, she goes to pharmacy, pharmacist knows her now, she meets neighbor with the three nasty wolfhounds, she knows all of them by name, Ward Dunkel and Batman and Robin and Cape (that Dunkel guy, I see the way he looks at her, he likes the women, but fine, okay, men like to look at women, it works). I like people, too, but I am loud, pushy man with missing arm and thick accent. She is less loud, but she is interested in people, where they are coming from, she listens, asks questions, she doesn’t pass judgment, so people, they love Lucia.
But then when she gets sick, it’s different. She is fighting with me all the time, aggressive, snapping like a turtle. I know, this is not Lucia. And I think she first gets sick when we’re married because we live in that small room in East Village. It’s too much going on there, too much noise, too much crazy everywhere, enough to make anybody sick. Lucia needs quiet sometimes, that’s all. Here it’s quiet. I used to go whole day without talking. Not like now, with nurses and home health aides coming in to poke me all the time. One nurse named Sandy, she comes to my house. She is not good-looking nurse, like in the movies. She is fat, wearing big, flowery tent with matching pants. I tell her, Please Sandy, you come to my house, you can wear whatever you want, you don’t need to wear uniform like that. She looks insulted. Next day she comes she is wearing same tent, you believe it? I am a dying man here, she can respect my wish.
• • •
Jie, she comes in the morning, sits on my bed. She says, I know we are family for long time now, you are like brother to me, and I know you are dying, too. But I say this, please, you cannot tell Lucia to stop her pills.
Family, we disagree. I tell her it’s okay if we disagree. It’s my opinion. What, a man can’t have opinions? I’m a dying man, I’m gonna shove my opinions inside everybody’s asses, you know me.
You can’t do that, she says. You will harm her. She listens to you. Please don’t do that again.
Jie, she has temper. I am not scared of her, but Lucia, I know she is scared.
She won’t even talk to me, says Jie.
She loves you, I say.
Now Jie is crying, too. Shit.
How is Stefan? I say. Everything is good in Switzerland?
Good? I don’t know about good.
This is also surprise to me. I am looking worried for Jie.
It’s been hard, she says.
Fucking marriage, I say.
Fucking marriage, she says.
How come you never have kids? I ask.
She stares at the ceiling for long time. Always Jie is like this, thinking, thinking. Maybe I’m selfish, she finally says.
Then I thank you for coming here.
I hate airplanes, she says. But I’d rather see you alive than in a casket.
You see now why I love Jie.
• • •
My daughter, she comes to Minnesota, too. Anat, she is always my favorite, good girl, working for bank in Jerusalem now, wearing grown-up suits. Daughters and fathers, they don’t crash head-to-head. Daughters, they crash with their mothers. But this time she comes in, she says, why do you stay in this cold, dark place? Why are you not coming back to Israel? There is your home. There is your family. Her mother tells her to say to me, it’s ridiculous, I am crazy to die alone in middle of nowhere. I think maybe she is right, but who is to say what is right way to die?
• • •
We play cards, gin rummy. Jie wins first few games, I see she is getting embarrassed. Let’s play something else, she says. So Jonny teaches us poker game, takes all our money. I say give me a break, you’re gonna get everything I have soon enough! This is joke, but you know what? Jonny slams his cards on the table, walks away. Aiya. Oh, Dad, says Anat. She runs after him. He’s just sad, says Lucia. I think how many times in my life I have been stupid like this, making my own son feel bad. And how many more times do I have left to make him feel better again.
• • •
I am coughing up blood now. I have woman doctor. She says to Lucia, if it soaks a panty liner, you call me. You believe a doctor says something like that? First time, I was scared shitless and I am thinking, those are my insides coming out, but now it’s like regular, no big deal, a little blood, but Lucia, I can see she is afraid. One day I puke in toilet and Lucia says we have to call doctor. I say, come on, it’s nothing, she says, are you fucking kidding me? She doesn’t say the word fucking, but I know it’s what she thinks and she is really mad, so I say okay, because what do I know about maxi-pad.
The doctor says we have to go to the hospital, emergency room. No fucking way, I say. I’m not going anywhere. I die, I’m dying here.
Jonny, for one time in my life he agrees with me, and Jie, I see she is not wanting to get involved, but Anat and Lucia they are yelling and screaming and calling me a stubborn fool, a selfish jackass, and then they are both crying, but this time I don’t move, because I won’t die in a fucking hospital. And you know what, there is no more puke, no more blood, and I turn on the TV and watch some game shows, Price Is Right, Family Feud. The next day there is no more blood, but I am in so much pain, I can’t move. Lucky for me, this is the day I get a delivery. I get a brand-new hospital bed!
Where should we put it? says Jonny.
Down in the dining room, says Anat. Lots of space.
No way, I say. I like my bedroom.
But you can’t move, says Anat. What about the stairs?
But they listen to me. They push my king-size bed to the wall, and this room, it’s so big I can fit the hospital bed next to it.
Two beds, like a hotel, says Lucia.
Perfect, I say.
Perfect, she says.
And now I am comfortable, I am wanting shakshuka. I say, I want shakshuka! So Lucia and Jonny both make me shakshuka. They are having contest to see who’s gonna make the best shakshuka, like some reality TV show and I’m gonna be celebrity judge. And then Jie says she’s gonna make shakshuka, too, and she finds a recipe on the Internet. Never in my life I’ve had three people cooking for me, and even though the chemicals, the chemo, make so I can’t taste anything right, I think, this life is pretty good.
• • •
They try to get along, I see this, the four of them. The next day I am watching action thriller in my bedroom and they are in kitchen, making so much noise. For first time, I hear Lucia and Jie laughing together, and this makes me happy, but I am also a little bit sad I am not laughing with them.
Then they come in and there is Jonny, holding crazy big cake, with a million candles, like big enough for fifty people!
You gonna set my house on fire. Is it my birthday? I say.
No, says Anat. My daughter, she is smiling so hard she is squeezing tears out of her eyes.
But it’s a good day for cake, says Lucia.
Tiramisu cake, says Jonny, who is very proud of this cake that I see now is square shaped with brown and white icing like chessboard. Lucy and me, we used to play chess.
They are wearing hats on their heads, those triangle party hats for kids. They start to sing Happy Birthday song, and I laugh, and then next thing all these people are coming into my room, one and then the next and then the next. I see there is the doctor, the pharmacist, my friend who owns local hardware store, the neighbor with the three wolfhounds, other neighbors from around the lake. And the nurse with the big tent who is not wearing big tent today, only bad dress that looks like smock. Lucy, she knows I hate surprises, but she also knows only stupid fool would be mad about this.
Everyone makes small talk, and I look at them and I think, these people, most people, are nice. They don’t know what to say to me, I know it can be uncomfortable, so I make small talk, too, about Denzel Washington. Smock lady loves Denzel Washington!
And then I fall asleep and when I wake up everyone is gone. No cake, no plates, no red plastic cups, just triangle birthday hat on my head. I know Lucia, she puts it there. She is so small, sleeping alone in my king-size bed.
• • •
Next day, Jie comes in to say good-bye. Lucia is taking her to airport now, she says. She gives me kiss on my forehead. I say, no crying. She nods. I love you, she says. She can’t look at me. I don’t look at her either. Both of us pretending like we’re not gonna crack. But for first time, I feel how real it is.
When Lucia comes back I am eating dinner Jonny made, watching game show on TV. She throws herself down on king-size bed.
Everything went okay? I say.
I think so, she says.
Good.
She lets out great big sigh.
I don’t bother her anymore. I close my eyes. Even dying man needs to know when to shut up.
When it’s morning, I say, Tell me about Ecuador.
It’s beautiful, she says. We live on a farm, you can’t see anything that isn’t nature. You would love it there.
How come you don’t invite me? I say. I am joking, but I see it’s not funny to her, she is looking sad so I shut up my big fat mouth.
They eat chicken feet.
Like Chinese?
And chicken heads. By the plateful. Only heads and feet.
No body.
You can get a haircut on a truck.
What? You’re kidding me.
On the back of a pickup truck, it’s true.
You do that?
No. She laughs. I go to a Chinese lady who snacks on chicken feet.
You have friends there? A lot of friends?
Friends? She is looking at her hands, thinking a little bit, then raises up her shoulders. I know everyone, she says.
She climbs into my hospital bed, crawls under all those fucking plastic tubes. She pushes the buttons to raise our heads, then our feet, then she lowers the feet almost all the way.
There, isn’t that comfortable? she says.
We lie like that and I fall asleep for long time, I don’t know how long but when I wake up the outside is dark. Lucia is still next to me, watching action thriller on TV. She points remote to turn it off.
I want to say something, but I have to think before I say it.
What is it? she says.
Remember, a long time ago, you say you come to visit? I waited. How come you never come?
She doesn’t answer me. She puts her head on my shoulder and I kiss it. I see there is some gray now, and the skin of her face, it’s a little bit loose, with some lines around the eyes. I press them closed with my fingers.
All those years, you left your kids while you lived in New York, she says.
Yeah, sure, I say.
You were okay with that?
Sure. I went to New York to make good life. They were with their mom. Kids should be with their mother. Jonny, always he loves his mother like crazy.
She nods her head, rubs her eyes, blinks away the sleep. If I’d come, I never would’ve gone back, she says.
She shows me pictures of her daughter, Esperanza. The name means “hope.” This is the first time I ever see pictures of her, so I see a lot, from time she is tiny baby to now. She has big open face with far-apart eyes, turning down at the corners like water drops.
She is beautiful like you, I say. When I meet Lucy she is twenty-eight years old, but when I remember her she is without age.
Someday I will tell her about you, she says.
What will you say?
I will tell her love is everything.
She looks at me, then down at her hands. But now, like this, I think love is just romantic way of explaining selflessness.
She sings to me. I close my eyes, and for a while she continues to sing. Ezekiel disconnected dem dry bones. I think it is her, but maybe it’s an angel, who knows.
• • •
I am having too much pain now, too much fucking pain everywhere. They fill my plastic tubes with morphine. I can’t hardly talk. I can’t think. I say, I can’t do this. I don’t want this. I say, Lucia, you have to let me go.
She is so sad.
I tell her, You will go back to be with your family soon. Be happy.
She shakes her head, making a breeze in the room with the way her hair whips around. She shakes and shakes it, harder and harder, like she is trying to shake out everything inside.
It makes me sad, so I close my eyes.
This is life.