13
I look around as I sit on the curb in front of Winding Creek. I called a cab a few minutes ago and they should be here soon. I’m a little surprised my mom hasn’t called me yet… considering I’ve been gone for a few hours. Hopefully, she’s OK… I assume she would call me if something happened.
The cab pulls up a few minutes later and I climb in the back seat.
“Where to?” he says.
“Greenville.”
“That’s a long cab ride….”
Not this again. I open my mouth to say something, but I stop as I think about if I really want to head home.
I give the driver the address to Jess’s house instead. I realized that we are going to need furniture for the apartment… and that it would be easier to just buy some and have it delivered without telling my mom. I have a feeling she wouldn’t want to move the furniture from the house, anyway. If I’m already in town I should see if Jess is around… and maybe she’ll want to go furniture shopping with me, assuming she’s free.
The driver nods and pulls away from the apartment complex. I debate calling Jess, just to see if she’s around… because if she’s busy it’s a wasted trip, but I decide against it—I want to surprise her and see the look on her face when she opens the door and I’m standing there.
The cab pulls up in front of her house no more than ten minutes later and I hand the driver two twenties to cover the tab and his tip. He smiles at me and nods as I get out.
A smile forms on my own face as I put my purse over my shoulder and walk toward the front door of the house I briefly shared with Jess. It seems like a lifetime ago… but I haven’t even known her for a year.
I walk up to the door, take a deep breath and knock. I wait for a few seconds, but there’s no response. I frown and sigh. I was really hoping she would be home. I guess I should have told the cab driver to wait… but he’s long gone by now. I turn and start walking back to the sidewalk and I hear the door open.
“Amy?”
I turn around and Jess is standing outside, the door already closed behind her.
“Hey,” I say.
“Eeee!”
She runs to me and throws her arms around me. I hug her back and she finally lets go and I can breathe again.
“It’s so good to see you!”
“I missed you, too.”
“What… what are you doing here?” she says.
“I… well, you know about my mom….”
“Yeah… I’m so sorry about that. How’s she doing?”
“I don’t know… OK… I guess. She just had her first treatment yesterday.”
“Crazy. Where is she getting treatment?”
“Here in Salem.”
“That’s a bit of a drive.”
“Yeah… that’s kind of why I’m here.”
Jess looks back over her shoulder at the house and then back to me.
“What do you mean?”
“I just rented an apartment like ten minutes from here so that we can move while she gets treatment. I don’t want her to have to drive this far all the time for treatment and then have to drive all the way home after.”
“Makes sense.”
Jess seems a little preoccupied as she glances back at the house again.
“Is everything OK?” I say.
“Yeah… yeah. So how did you end up here?”
“Well… I need furniture for the apartment… so I was thinking maybe you’d want to go shopping with me. I’m not really looking forward to going home… my mom doesn’t know about the apartment and I’m not in the mood to argue with her.”
“I… I guess so… sure.”
Jess doesn’t seem that interested.
“If you’re busy,” I say, “it’s not that big of a deal. I can just call a cab and go furniture shopping by myself. I don’t want to take you away from whatever it is that you’re doing… or planning on doing.”
“No… it’s fine… just let me grab my purse.”
She smiles at me and turns around. Jess heads inside and comes back a few minutes later with her purse over her shoulder and her car keys in her hand. We get in her car and Jess pulls away from the house without even asking where I want to go shopping. I guess she probably has a better idea about where to look for furniture than I do, so I decide not to say anything.
“So… are you happy to be back?” she says.
“I don’t know. I’m not a fan of the people in L.A., but I miss Spencer and I miss living with Dex.”
Jess laughs and looks over at me while shaking her head.
“You’re too good for us now.”
I can tell by the tone of her voice that she’s just teasing me.
“You know me,” I say, “the rich and famous girl who made it big in Hollywood and now looks down her nose at her friends.”
Jess laughs and just shakes her head.
“So what kind of furniture are you looking for?”
“I don’t know… I guess a couple of beds… a couch… and then whatever else. Not a ton of stuff, just because I don’t know how long I’m going to be renting the apartment.”
She nods and takes a deep breath. I can tell there’s something on her mind and she’s trying to act like her normal, upbeat self. As her friend I want to ask her what’s wrong, but I feel like she would tell me if something was bothering her. I decide to leave it for now… she might change her mind as we hang out this afternoon.
“No class today?” I say.
“I had a class this morning, but that’s it… and no work tonight.”
“Nice.”
Jess pulls the car into the parking lot of a furniture store I’ve never heard of, CCX, but I can tell just by looking at the front of the store and the sign that it’s not going to be cheap. I guess I don’t have a problem spending some money to get good furniture, especially if I’m only getting a few pieces. I want my mom to be comfortable in the apartment… not to mention I’m really missing sleeping on a good mattress. I never thought my bed in Greenville was uncomfortable… but it’s kind of like flying First Class… once you sleep on a good mattress, there’s no going back to a cheap one.
“They’ve got some great stuff here,” Jess says, “some of it is kind of expensive, but they have everything you’ll need and there are some good deals.”
I nod and we head inside. She was certainly right. I stop as soon as we walk through the sliding glass doors. Everything inside is placed perfectly to make it look like individual rooms in a house to showcase how single pieces of furniture can be placed to create a particular look and feel for any room.
A saleswoman walks over to us and smiles.
“Hi, my name is Claire. Is there anything we can help you ladies find?”
Jess speaks up before I can even open my mouth.
“She just got a new apartment and needs just some basic furniture. Two mattresses, a couch… that kind of stuff.”
“Perfect… any particular style you’re looking for?” she says, turning to me.
“No… not really.”
She nods and continues to smile.
“All right… well… if you want to follow me I can start out by showing you some of my suggestions for living room furniture and then we can move on from there. How does that sound?”
“Great,” Jess says.
I look down at the receipt from CCX as we walk back to Jess’s car. Two hours and four thousand dollars later I’ve got furniture. It was more than I anticipated spending, but I really want this apartment to be perfect for my mom.
I bought a sofa, a coffee table, two queen mattresses, a few lamps and whatever other odds and ends including all the basic kitchen necessities like pans, knives, plates and cups. I guess it’s not that much money considering what I bought… it’s just hard to fathom that I spent eleven thousand dollars today. I try not to think about it as we get back in the car.
I called Rachel, from Winding Creek, from inside the store and she agreed to open my apartment tomorrow morning so that the delivery guys could unload the furniture and set everything up for me.
“Well?” Jess says, “Are you happy with the furniture you got?”
“Yeah… it’s good. I like all of it… and it’ll be sad to leave it all behind when I go back to Los Angeles. I guess I can sell it online or something like that.”
“How long do you think you’ll be here for?”
Jess starts the car and pulls out of the parking lot.
“I’m not sure. I don’t really know how long my mom will be getting treatment here in Salem….”
I don’t finish. I know there’s a chance she could die at any point… but I can’t say the words out loud. There’s something about saying it, instead of just thinking it, that makes it seem that much more real and I don’t think I’m ready for that.
“Sorry,” Jess says, sensing my sadness, “we don’t have to talk about it.”
I just nod and take a deep breath. It’s hard to think about, but I realize in that moment that there’s only three people in the world I would even consider having that conversation with… and Jess is one of them.
“No… it’s OK. It’s not your fault.”
“Amy, we seriously don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want.”
I look around and realize we aren’t heading back to her house.
“Where are we going?”
“I’m taking you home… to Greenville.”
“No… Jess… you don’t have to do that.”
She glances over at me and smiles. I can see there’s no use in arguing with her.
“It’s fine,” she says, “I don’t mind. Not to mention you shouldn’t spend your money on a taxi… especially after what you just dropped on furniture.”
“Thanks… I really appreciate it.”
We ride in silence for the next few minutes until I finally work up the courage to have the conversation I was hoping to never have. I could totally keep avoiding it, but I know it’s not healthy and it might actually make me feel better about the whole thing if I get it off my chest.
“So,” I say, “back to my mom. I’m not sure what her prognosis is… she’s not really telling me a whole lot about what’s going on other than she’s getting treatment and that she’s going to have to pay for it out of pocket.”
“Crazy… that can’t be cheap.”
“She said it’s going to be like twenty thousand for a round… but I’m not sure how long that is or what it means exactly.”
“Wow… maybe I should have taken you somewhere with more budget friendly furniture.”
“No… it’s fine… really. I have some money still and once the film I did is in theaters I should start getting some more. It’s not like I have anything to spend my money on anyway… I might as well help my mom since she’s got nothing and has already put herself in so much debt that she’s in trouble.”
“That makes sense.”
“What I wanted to say… is that we didn’t talk about the other possibilities. I have no idea how bad the cancer is. Last night, I couldn’t sleep, so I was looking some stuff up on the Internet. This site I found said that if it’s caught early enough there’s a fifty-four percent chance of survival… but that’s only if it hasn’t spread… which is only in about fifteen percent of cases.”
“What if… what if it spread?”
“That’s where it starts to look really grim… they said the five year survival rate is only four percent.”
Jess just nods, but doesn’t say anything else. I look over at her and I can tell she feels bad for me and my mom.
“Yeah,” I say, breaking the silence after a minute, “it’s not good… but she said the treatment center is supposed to be really good… and they seem hopeful. That’s all she really said about it. I wanted to go with her yesterday and talk to her doctor, but she got upset and insisted I stay home.”
“I guess that’s understandable… you’re her daughter… and she wants to try and shield you from how bad it might be. She probably is worried what will happen to you if….”
Jess trails off, but I know exactly what she was getting at. The thought had crossed my mind… and it wasn’t good. I’m not sure what I would do. I was already planning to not have any contact with her ever again, but that’s completely different than her dying.
“Yeah, I don’t blame her, but I wish she was a little more forthcoming with what’s going on and how her treatment is going… I mean I dropped everything to come here for her. I was in Aspen with Spencer when she called and I left the next morning. I also had just been cast in a new film… and now that’s gone because I won’t be there when shooting starts.”
I want to cry. I gave up so much to be here… and it almost feels like she couldn’t care less about my presence. She’s sick though, so I feel like I need to give her a break.
“Ouch… that’s rough. Sorry about losing that role.”
I shrug and shake my head.
“That’s… yeah, it would’ve been nice… but whatever. I was thinking about going to school in the fall, or maybe even summer, but now I don’t even know about that.”
Jess laughs, but stops when she looks over at me and sees the serious look on my face.
“Sorry,” she says, “I thought you were joking about the school thing.”
“No… I feel like I should do something with my life.”
“Acting is something!”
“Is it though? It feels so superficial… I want to make a difference in the world.”
“Fine… I get that, but you have to know that acting can do that.”
I wrinkle my nose and look over. She’s focused on driving as she changes lanes to pass a slow moving truck.
“What do you mean?” I say.
“Well, you’re a small town girl who moved to Hollywood and became an actress. That’s an inspiring story… not to mention you’re dating Spencer Thomas.”
“That doesn’t exactly change the world.”
Jess is quiet for the next minute and I figure she must have given up on her silly quest to convince me that somehow I’m changing the world by becoming an actress.
“Why not?” she says.
“Huh?”
“Why can’t your story change the world? I mean… change the world sounds a bit intense, but think about it… think about you. Pretty much every girl, at some point, wants to be an actress. When you’re young, life is full of people always telling you that you can’t do this or that… that you need to stop dreaming so big. Forget that… you’re proof positive that anything can happen.”
I nod as I think about what she’s saying. I really hadn’t thought of it like that before… but it kind of makes sense. I always thought I was going to be a teacher, but thinking back on it… I’m not so sure that’s what I really wanted. There was one point I wanted to be a princess, I think I was five, but after that I thought I wanted to be a doctor. I think was eleven when those dreams were crushed. Now that I’m eighteen maybe I don’t know what I want.
I guess there’s a possibility that what she says is true. I never really wanted to be an actress… it was just sort of thrust upon me and I’ve recently accepted it, but maybe it is something young girls aspire to. What if Jess is right and I can somehow be an example of how it’s possible to become anything?
“I never dreamed of being an actress… but otherwise I get what you’re saying, it makes sense.”
“So, what… it’s what you’ve become. People care about the fact that you come from a small town… you struggled with family stuff… and now you’re triumphant. You’re on top of the world. You can do no wrong… and that kind of stuff makes young women realize they can follow their dreams.”
I almost feel inspired by the speech myself. Maybe Jess is right? I guess maybe I should take some time to think about it once things have settled down with my mom. It might be a good thing if I went back to L.A. when she’s better and tried to be an actress. I know plenty of Hollywood people use their position and money as a platform, usually for political or humanitarian reasons, but maybe I can use mine to help young girls who want to follow their dreams.
“Thanks… I’m going to really think about it. You’ve certainly convinced me that it might be worthwhile.”
“Good… you don’t have to make a decision right now… but at least think about it. What’s the worst that could happen? You’d become rich and famous, that’s what.”
We both laugh. I really did miss her. That’s one of my biggest complaints about living in Los Angeles… she’s so dang far away.
“Now that we’ve gotten the emotional and practical things out of the way,” she says, “tell me about your trip to Aspen.”
“Aspen… it’s so freaking cold… I can’t even tell you.”
She laughs and shakes her head.
“I’ve never been skiing before… that’s why Spencer took you there… right?”
“Snowboarding actually… that’s what he does, so since I’d never been skiing either, I decided to try it.”
“Yeah? How was it?”
“Really cold and really painful.”
Jess laughs again. It’s good that she seems more relaxed… back to herself after whatever it was that was bothering her when I showed up at her house today. I’m kind of surprised she never brought it up, but I didn’t want to upset her by mentioning it.
“Sounds like fun,” she says.
I shrug as I think back to the day where I spent most of my time on the ground, holding whatever part of my body that was in pain right then. It’s still a day I’ll never forget—it was sweet and generous of Spencer to pay for all of that and want to take me to a place that held such a special place in his heart. I hope that he’ll take me back there again, someday, but first I need to tell him that… and tell him how sorry I am for running off. I know he’ll brush it off, but it doesn’t mean I don’t want to at least tell him that I wished I could’ve stayed.
“It was fun, actually. He rented this amazing house… stupidly expensive, but gorgeous…and the view was out of this world. It even came with a brand new SUV. Spencer took me shopping to buy snowboard clothes and a board and boots… since of course I didn’t own anything appropriate. It was a surprise trip, so of course it was snowing and cold when we got there… and I was wearing an outfit like this.”
Jess laughs and shakes her head.
“I know,” I say, “it was stupid… but I don’t own anything for snowy weather… L.A. isn’t exactly the kind of place where I could ever imagine owning that kind of coat.”
“I’m a little jelly,” Jess says, “I’ve never been snowboarding, but I’ve always wanted to try it out… I’ll have to go somewhere with snow one of these days, I guess.”
“Maybe we can go together… that could be fun.”
“That would be fun.”
I wonder if it would be possible to work out a way for Jess to come out to Aspen the next time I go with Spencer. I could pay for her flight… it would be worth it to have her there. I almost propose my thought, but decide against it. I have no idea when Spencer will be able to take time off to go again and I’m not sure how he would feel about me asking a friend, who he’s never met, to come with us. I’ll talk to him about it if he suggests we go back. For now there’s already so much on both our plates that inviting Jess isn’t really a paramount conversation or thought.
“Where do I turn?” Jess says.
I look up and realize we’re already in Greenville. Our conversation made the time fly... not to mention she’s a bit of a speed demon.
“Right and then the second left.”
It’s been a long day and the sun will be setting soon. I never heard from my mom… I guess she managed without me today.
“It’s that one right there,” I say, pointing at the house.
Jess pulls up in front and puts her car into park.
“Do you want to come in?”
“No… I should probably be heading back… and I don’t want to disturb your mom.”
“All right… well, thanks so much for the ride. You didn’t have to do it, but I really appreciate it and I’m glad we finally got a chance to catch up.”
“Me too… give me a call when you get settled into your new apartment and we can get together for lunch or something… or maybe go for a morning run.”
Jess winks at me when she says run and I groan in response. She laughs and shakes her head.
“I didn’t bring my running shoes… darn,” I say.
I get out of the car and walk to the front porch. I turn around and wave to Jess once I’ve unlocked the door. She gives me a quick wave in return and she drives off. I smile as I walk inside and close the door behind me. It was a good day… busy and long, but really productive.
“Where the heck have you been?”
I haven't even closed the door yet and my mom is already confronting me. I sigh and turn to face her as I close the door. She's standing at the bottom of the stairs with her arms crossed.
“I went to Salem.”
She shakes her head and rolls her eyes. I'm not sure if I should bring up the apartment now… or wait until she calms down a little, which might not be until the morning.
“What for?”
“Mom… I don't think it's a good idea for you to get so upset… not in your physical state.”
“Don't tell me what to do.”
I thought maybe her being sick had gotten rid of the fiery part of her personality, but I was clearly wrong. This might not be the best time to bring up the apartment, but it's starting to look like I'm not going to have much of choice.
“What were you doing?” she says, asking me a second time.
“I… I got us a two bedroom apartment.”
“What!”
I wince and close my eyes in response to the piercing tone of her voice. I had anticipated she would be upset… but not like this. I guess even after all these years I still haven't learned to gauge what will really send her over the edge.
“Unbelievable,” she says.
I open my eyes and watch as she turns around and heads up the stairs. Watching her body language reminds me of the last night she was at Dex's… and I flash back to the police coming to arrest her. It's a moment I'll never forget, but I didn't think I would be experiencing something similar again. At least this time she walked away instead of getting violent toward me.
She slams her door closed and I head into the kitchen to get a glass of water. Her room is right above me and I can hear her walking around, the old floor boards creaking under the stress. It eventually stops and I assume she's in bed. I head upstairs, brush my teeth and go into my room. Before I even reach my bed she flings the door open and walks in.
“I wanted to wait until tomorrow to talk about this,” she says, “the treatment… it took a lot out of me and I'm still feeling weak, but I can't wait… we need to talk about this right now.”
I sit down on my bed and look at her. Her face isn't pale like it was this morning and yesterday… no… now it's bright red. I have a sick feeling in my stomach that no matter what I say, she's going to make me feel awful about my decision to get the apartment.
“The reason I asked you to come here was to take care of me… not go running off whenever you wanted. I needed you today… and you weren't here.”
“Why didn't you call me?”
“Don't try to change the subject!”
I wasn't changing the subject… I was just trying to explain to her that she didn't even try and get a hold of me.
“Sorry.”
It's the only thing I can think of that will possibly help the situation.
“Yeah… I bet you're sorry. Unreal. Time and time again, Amy, your behavior never ceases to amaze me. I hope you have a daughter someday… so you can experience for yourself the crap you've been putting me through for years.”
I look down and I can tell I'm on the verge of crying. I've always tried to be a good daughter. I never thought of myself as misbehaving, but clearly she has her own firm opinion about what it means to be a parent. I want to get up and walk out. There's nothing keeping me here… other than I feel obligated to take care of her.
“What?” she says, “You have nothing to say for yourself?”
“I… I just wanted to make things easier for you.”
“Easier? Ha! That'll be the day.”
“But… I don't want you to have to drive all the way to Salem for treatment… so… I got a two bedroom apartment. That way we can live there while you get your treatment.”
“And how am I supposed to pay for the apartment? I can't even afford the house right now.”
“I'll pay for it.”
“I don't need your money.”
She turns around and starts to walk toward the door.
“Mom… wait.”
She stops, but doesn't turn around.
“Please… just let me help you. I have money. Let me pay for the apartment… and I'll pay for your treatment. I just want you to get better. I'll do whatever I can to help you.”
“You know,” she says, without turning around, “I didn't even want you to know about the cancer… it was my doctor who convinced me I should tell someone about it. I called Dex to tell him… and he… he said I needed to tell you. He begged me to tell you. You're not here because you want to help me, I know that… you're here because you feel guilty about ruining the perfect life I had built with Dex. Well… I'll tell you what, Amy, this isn't going to make up for that… nothing will. I can never forgive you for ruining my last chance at happiness in this life.”
She walks out of my room and slams the door. I crumble onto my bed as tears roll down my cheeks.