Before we can take care of ourselves in a more attentive, proactive, and soul-nourishing way, we first need to be able to accept and love ourselves unconditionally. One of the best ways to do this is through mirror work, which is our topic for the next two days.
Some time ago, I was invited to be a guest on The Oprah Winfrey Show to talk about the Law of Attraction. Joining me onstage were Martha Beck, the author of Finding Your Own North Star: Claiming the Life You Were Meant to Live, and Louise Hay, the author of You Can Heal Your Life and the founder of Hay House, the publisher of this ebook. During the show, as we talked about using the power of the mind to direct the course of our lives, Louise repeatedly emphasized the importance of learning to love oneself as a prerequisite to attracting joy, abundance, wellness, meaningful experiences, and the like.
Over and over she suggested that, on a daily basis, audience members and viewers practice saying “I love you” when looking in the mirror. By the end of the show, I thought, I need to pay attention to what she’s talking about.
At 85, Louise is a wise soul—a woman who’s lived an extraordinary life that has inspired millions. I was moved and impressed by her conviction about the power of mirror work. After all, it speaks to the importance of self-love and self-acceptance, which I consider to be the foundation of Extreme Self-Care. So, right then and there, I made a decision to take Louise’s advice to heart. I would start saying “I love you, Cheryl” each time I looked into a mirror every day for a month and see what happened.
For most people, the idea of telling themselves “I love you” as they look in the mirror is a tricky exercise. The thought of doing so can feel awkward or silly. In fact, for several days after the show, I intended to practice Louise’s suggestion, but I kept forgetting about it. Then, one night before going to bed, I was washing my face when I remembered my intention. Finally, with the mirror in full view, I looked into my eyes and said, “I love you, Cheryl.” Immediately, I felt self-conscious. I tried it again and glanced away, feeling embarrassed. On my third attempt, I found myself focusing on the wrinkles around my eyes, the hairs that needed to be plucked at the edges of my brows, and the way my skin seemed to sag a bit at my throat. Great, I thought. My attempt at self-love has now turned into a critical assessment of my aging process. I was failing miserably.
What’s so silly about telling ourselves that we love ourselves? Why is it so difficult to do something that’s seemingly so simple? Because looking at ourselves intently, especially into our eyes, is a profoundly intimate act. As often as we use a mirror to perform grooming or maintenance tasks, rarely do we ever stop to gaze into our eyes for longer than a few seconds. When we do, there’s no hiding. Most of us come face-to-face with the truth that we’ve abandoned that person we see in the mirror. I know that as I stared into my own eyes and repeated the phrase “I love you, Cheryl,” I had to confront the fact that the statement didn’t ring true. The reality was that I saw flaws long before I felt love. And that’s the point.
To practice Extreme Self-Care, you must learn to love yourself unconditionally, accept your imperfections, and embrace your vulnerabilities. From a spiritual perspective, it’s about recognizing that you’re a soul in a physical body who’s here to learn to be more of who you really are. When you treat and view yourself with the respect you deserve, you experience the peace that comes from being present to yourself. The reason it’s so hard to look deeply into your own eyes is because it forces the ego to step aside as you experience a moment of seeing your true nature: a spiritual being housed in a physical shell.
After seeing what Louise had created in her life, I felt inspired to take the mirror exercise seriously, too. So, I decided to stick with it—I wanted to see what would happen if I practiced it consistently. Every time I came in contact with a mirror, I would look into my eyes and say, “I love you, Cheryl.” Whether I was washing my face, driving my car, trying on clothes in a dressing room, or looking at my reflection in my computer screen, I tried to look beyond the typical critical thoughts to the essence of who I was. By the third day, something interesting started to happen.
Each time I said “I love you, Cheryl,” I felt kinder toward myself. It still wasn’t easy, but it was getting more comfortable. By the end of the first week, I noticed that the critical voices in my head had softened. When my mind drifted back to my flaws, I’d gently refocus my thoughts and remember that I was learning to love and accept myself rather than taking an inventory of what needed to change or improve. During the second week, this kinder, gentler perspective began to radiate out into my daily life. I was becoming more patient with others as well as myself. I was now able to steer my mind to the present rather than worrying so much about the past or future. And I was less apt to push myself to do things I didn’t want to do. Hmm, I thought, maybe this exercise isn’t so silly after all.
As I continued the practice over that month, an internal shift occurred. I started to develop a deeper, more loving relationship with myself. I noticed that whenever something happened that was stressful or upsetting, it didn’t bring me down so much or stay with me so long. Instead, I remained calm and steady . . . more able to find my center. When something frustrated me, I stopped feeding on the drama and just let it go. If someone said or did something hurtful, I spoke up right away. I also began to care more about what went into my mind and body, from avoiding depressing or violent news to choosing more nutritious food.
I was learning to love myself.