Chapter Ten: The Chuckie Chipmunk Episode
Those words went through me like a duck out of water. Ralph and I had gone down many happy trails together, but now . . . The tragic expression that had etched itself on Wallace’s ugly face suddenly vanished. All at once he didn’t look sad at all.
“And now, pooch, it’s time for you to run along. Me and Junior will take care of all the arrangements.”
“Wait a minute, hold on. Since when were you involved in emergency medical work?”
“Since I started chasin’ wrecks, is since when—if it’s any of your business, which it ain’t. Now run along home.”
I gave him a stern glare. “I don’t think so, Wallace. If you’re a doctor, my name is Lulu.”
“Then your name is Lulu, ’cause I got my doctor’s license from the Buzzard School of Medicine and Mortuary. We save the ones that can be saved and recycle the rest.”
I was about to go to sterner measures when Junior said, “P-p-a, I th-think h-he’s w-w-waking up, waking up.”
Wallace spun his head around to Junior. “Who’s waking up? Where’s he at? What are you trying to say?”
He pointed a wing at Ralph. “The, uh uh, v-victim. Our p-p-patient!”
“Son, I already told you. He’s gone. We lost him. It’s a terrible tragedy but he didn’t die envaned. We ain’t had but rabbit scraps in three . . .”
Just then, old Ralph sat up and blinked his eyes. His gaze went from one buzzard to the other. He swallowed hard.
“Well, Ma always said I’d end up here, if I didn’t change my ways, and here I am. Darn.”
Wallace shrank back as though he’d seen a ghost, but it didn’t take him long to recover.
“There, you see that, pooch? Emergency Airborne Medical has saved another life, yes we have, and you had the gall and the nerve to . . . Junior, we have done our job and we can be proud, very proud of our selfless devotion to duty, but life goes on and so does the rent on this stomach of mine. Let’s get back in the sky and find us a better wreck somewheres else.”
I couldn’t help chuckling. “See you around, Doctor Buzzard.”
“You better believe it’s Doctor Buzzard, and don’t you forget who saved that friend of yours and snatched him back from the very edge of the grave, and your name is Lulu. So there!”
They taxied into the breeze and began flapping their wings and rose into the sky.
“P-p-pa, I’ve g-g-ot c-c-cactus in m-m-my a-a-armpit.”
“Son, buzzards ain’t got armpits ’cause we ain’t got arms.”
“W-w-well, okay, th-then in m-my w-w-w-w-wingpit.”
“Son, I told you and told you. If you don’t slow that thing down and stop driving like thirty-three drunk monkeys . . .”
I didn’t hear the rest of the sermon, which was just fine. There’s very little a buzzard has to say that I need to hear. I turned my attention to Ralph, who was staring at me with glazed eyeballs.
“Where am I? How many fingers am I holding up? Who’s on first?”
“Take it easy, pal. You had a serious accident but you’re going to be all right. Do you remember who you are?”
“Sure. I’m Chuckie Chipmunk and Miss Scamper’s in love with me. And your name’s Lulu. And I just bailed out of an airplane but my parachute didn’t open.”
“Uh . . . listen to me. Your name’s Dogpound Ralph. You fell out of the back of a pickup and landed on your head. You’re suffering from a medical condition called Milk of Amnesia. It will pass, so don’t panic.”
“I’m Chuckie Chipmunk.”
I heaved a sigh. “Fine. You’re Chuckie Chipmunk.”
“I’m a big chipmunk, aren’t I, Lulu?”
“Yes, you’re one of the biggest chipmunks in the world.”
“You reckon I could get a job in the circus?”
“Sure. There happens to be a circus right over there.” I pointed toward ranch headquarters. “Let’s hike over and see if they’re hiring . . . overgrown chipmunks.”
This conversation was kind of crazy, but I had decided to play along with him until his head cleared.
We started walking. I noticed that Ralph had a hitch in his get-along, but that was no surprise. He had taken a nasty fall.
He broke the silence. “You reckon they’ll have elephants in the circus?”
“Oh sure. I’ll introduce you to one.”
“Oh good. When I was little, I wanted to be an elephant.”
“No kidding? What stopped you?”
“Well, I was already a chipmunk, and once you’re a chipmunk, you can never be an elephant.”
“Of course. I should have known. But tell me this, Ralph.”
“Chuckie. Chuckie Chipmunk.”
“Sorry. Tell me this, Chuckie. You mentioned Miss Scamper. Is she a chipmunk too?”
“Nope. She’s a beaver, only she was wearing a dog suit to disguise herself. Pretty smart, huh?”
“Oh yeah. You bet.”
Was there a pattern here? If so, I couldn’t find it. It appeared to me that Ralph had lost his marbles. I just hoped he would find them again. One weird dog on the ranch was about all I could stand.
I’m speaking of Drover, of course.
We made it into headquarters and I led him over to the storage tank, next to which we had a pan of fresh water. I told him to drink. He did. When he was done, he ran his tongue over his lips to sop up the drips.
He was quite a drippy drinker. I had picked up that clue right away.
“Well, Chuckie, how are you feeling now?”
He glanced around. “Who you talkin’ to? My name’s Ralph, Dogpound Ralph, and I’m supposed to be fishin’ with Jimmy Joe.”
It appeared that the water had cleared his head. Did I dare try to explain the business about Chuckie Chipmunk? I decided to skip it. It was getting along toward sunset and I had things to do.
I suggested that he stay the night at our place and strike out in the morning to find his master. We had plenty of room under the gas tanks and he could share my gunnysack. Or Drover’s. Yes, we had plenty of room and he could certainly share Drover’s gunnysack.
“Come on, Ralph, I’ve got some very important business to take care of before dark, and you might as well tag along.”
He followed me down the hill, past the old cellar, past the overflow of the septic tank, through that grove of big elm trees, and to the gate of Sally May’s garden. Here, I stopped and glanced around in all directions, to see if we had been followed.
Everything looked normal, but just to be on the safe side, I lowered my voice to a whisper. “Ralph, you may not realize it, but on the other side of that fence lies a fortune in buried bones.”
His ears jumped and he licked his chops. “I sure love bones, especially ones that have been aged.”
“Yeah, well, we need to talk about that, Ralph. Since you’re here as a guest, I don’t mind giving you a peek at the bones, but only if you swear never to reveal the secret. Do you solemnly swear?”
He did.
“Good. Now, the next challenge, Ralph, is that we have to scale this hogwire fence. Watch me and then we’ll give you a shot at it. Here I go.”
I made a giant leap upward, hooked my front paws over the top wire, dragged and heaved the rest of my body over the top, and tumbled over the other side.
Ralph watched this with his big basset eyes, then gave his head a shake. “Can’t do it. I think I’ll just use the gate.”
I laughed at his ridiculous statement and . . . hmmm . . . watched as he nosed the gate open with his . . . well, with his nose, of course, and came padding into the garden.
I beamed him a glare. “For your information, this is a Secured Area and that gate wasn’t supposed to be unlatched.”
“Uh-huh, but it was.”
I made a mental note of this clue, little realizing that it would soon become a very important detail.
I glanced over both shoulders, just to be sure we hadn’t been followed, then made a dash to the northeast corner of the garden. There, I began a furious digging process to unearth the first of my Precious Bones. I dug so hard and so fast, I didn’t realize that I was spraying Ralph with dirt.
“Reckon you could point that dirt somewheres else?”
“No, but you can always move.”
“Too much trouble.”
“Fine. Sit there and eat dirt. I’ll be finished in just a second.” At that very moment, my claws scraped against something solid. “Ah ha, here we are. Wait until you see this bone, Ralph. You’ll be . . .”
HUH?
I stared at the object I had just unearthed with my furious digging. It wasn’t a precious T-bone. It was a . . . you won’t believe what it was, so I won’t even bother to tell you.
My heart sank. I couldn’t believe this was happening to me. I went plunging across the garden to the northwest corner and began digging in Location #2. I already had begun to suspect what I would find there, but I had to know for sure.
I was right.
Little needles of fear moved down my spine. I found myself noticing every shadow and every sound around me, and also that darkness was falling fast. My body wanted to run away and leave this place, but my mind prevailed. I had to know what lay in that third hole.
I swallowed my fear, my growing sense of dread, and ran to Location #3. I dug with the energy of a maniac, until at last I heard my paws make that familiar sound.
I gazed into the hole. My bone was GONE, and in its place I saw . . .
I turned to Ralph. “Ralph, I don’t want to alarm you, but we’ve got a Bone Monster running loose on this ranch. My guess is that he’s watching us at this very moment. On the count of three, we will run for our lives. One!”
Ralph was already gone. He didn’t wait for two or three. And you know what? Neither did I.
