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I didn’t talk to him for two days. He left message after message.
“Julia, I’m not giving up on you. I need you in my life. We can work through this. Call me.”
“I’m going to keep calling you until you pick up. Even if it takes weeks, months even. It would be great if you would save me the trouble.”
“Julia...listen...I’ll do whatever it takes to make this right. Call me, pleeease.”
“Julia, it’s David. If this is going to work you have to learn to let your guard down. Your feelings matter to me and I want you to get more comfortable expressing them so that I can have my true love back. The first step is to pick up the phone. I love you. Call me.”
I admired his effort, but I was still mad. I owed him a call though. I guess I could do that much. On day three, I picked up the phone this time when it rang. I spoke softly.
“David...hi.”
I heard him let out a huge sigh of relief.
“Baby, I’m so so sorry. I miss you so much. I’ve been worried so much about you. Please. I beg of you. Tell me what’s going on.”
“I...I’m so embarrassed, David. Horrified.”
“Why?”
“A stranger saw me and now I feel like the town whore.”
“That’s what this is about? You feel like a whore?”
“...Yes.”
“Julia, you’re not a whore. Why would you think you’re a whore?”
“...Something...happened...in my past...let’s leave it at that.”
“I can’t just leave it at that.”
“Well, you’re going to have to.”
“Look, Julia, I’m not going to lose you, and I’d rather have some of you than none at all, so if you won’t tell me what happened, at least let me take you out to dinner and we can just talk, like old times.”
“Just talk.”
“Yes, just talk.”
I thought about it.
“OK.”
“Thank you Julia. God. The thought of not being with you...I just...can’t.”
‘’I know, David...neither can I.”
“Thank God, Julia. I was hoping I hadn’t lost you.”
“No, David, you haven’t lost me.”
I paused.
“I’m sorry I put you through this...but...if it’s worth anything to you...fucking you in the pool was exciting but scary, and...yes, my orgasm was amazing, and no, I’m not doing that again anytime soon.”
“That...means...the WORLD, Julia...everything.”
I could practically hear his smile through the phone.
“And, by the way, David, I’m still mad at you.”
“And, by the way, Julia, your angry face is a huge turn on.”
On Friday, we ate dinner at a nice restaurant.
"I want you to know that I'm not going out with you because you convinced me."
David laughed.
"Just because the sex is so amazing?"
I glared at him.
“So, why are you going out with me?"
"Because I made a promise to you that I would never hold secrets from you again. I’m trying to deliver on that promise, at least..."
He looked at me, waiting for me to finish.
“...for the most part.”
“I’m still in love with you, Julia. That will never change. I know you are too, but you’re scared as hell right now.”
I looked down, trying to avoid eye contact.
“I don’t know what happened to you in your past, or what your reasons are for how you feel about yourself, but I don’t think you give yourself enough credit.”
I looked up, surprised.
“I know I promised not to discuss what you’re holding back, but at least, let me say what I have to say about it.”
I groaned.
“I don’t believe for a second that whatever secret you’re holding on to will affect how I feel about you...how I see you, in any way. I think you want to be with me more than anything in the world and what that could mean for you, and your secrets, and what that could mean for you, sexually, scares the crap out of you.”
Oh shit. He was right again.
“I know you. I sense you’re capable of so much more than you’re letting on. I’ve seen it. I’ve seen your inner vixen and it makes me hotter than any fantasy I could ever have. I’m not just in love with you. I’m in love with the sexy, sultry, seductive part of you that just needs to unleash and break free from the cage she’s been trapped in. I want more than just you. I want to unleash you, Julia.”
There was a long pause.
“I don’t know if I can do that.”
“I know you can. All I’m asking of you is to take my hand and take small steps and I will love you and hold you every step of the way. I want to take away your fear and replace it with the most amazing love, the most amazing sex you’ve yet to have if you could just learn to trust me with no strings attached.”
“That’s a tall order.”
He leaned down on his crossed arms on the table and looked into my eyes.
“I know. I love you so much that I’m not going to let you shrink back to what you knew, Julia. So, if you refuse, I will keep trying. I’m not going to stop trying. You’re too important to me, Julia, and so is the side you don’t let yourself own. The side of you that I can’t get enough of. The side of you that I see when you let your guard down and let me finger fuck you on the hood of my car or when you let me fuck you in the pool.
The part of you that wants to seduce me, that wants to play. I have an insatiable appetite for that side of you. But unless you trust me with that part of you, I will never have all of you. Just the you you want me to see.”
I looked at him with fear in my eyes.
“I know I’m asking for something you’ve never done before. I want to help you discover the real you. I promise I will make it as easy as possible, and if you get scared, I will bring you back to safety before I bring her out again. I know I can sometimes go too far. Just tell me when I reach that point, and I’ll stop. I just need you to trust me, one hundred percent.”
I swallowed. He noticed.
“I love you, Julia, just remember that. I can’t explain how much I love you, but I can show you. When you let yourself be all of who you are, with the side of you you are hideously ashamed of, Julia...to me...to me that is the ultimate gift of love you could ever give me. All of you.”
I thought about it for a minute.
“I can try.”
“Do you mean that?”
I looked puzzled.
“Or are you just trying to get out of this so you can continue to go back to hiding from me and cheating me out of all the deliciousness that you are.”
I started to smile.
“Because Julia, I’m so hungry for you. I’m hungry for all of you.”
Another minute passed.
“I can do that for you.”
He smiled a big, glowing smile.
“I always knew you could. I know that sexy side of you is in there. I want her to come out and play. I can take you to amazing new heights if you just let her come out and play.”
Wow, David was finally respecting my boundaries and I was in a whole new level of commitment with him. I was willing. I wanted him. I just had no idea how I was going to be OK with that side of me. I was good at keeping her under wraps. I was going to have to be the most vulnerable with David that I’ve ever been with any man. But I did trust him. 100 percent.
I arrived at David’s place for our next date.
“So what do you want to do tonight?”
David pulled out a chair out and sat me down. He looked like he was about to say something that would be hard for me to hear.
“Tonight is step number one of unleashing you.”
I groaned.
“I figured that much. Listen, as long as you cooperate, you get a reward.”
“What’s the reward?”
“You get sex any way YOU like it. Even if it’s plain old, romantic, vanilla sex.”
I was intrigued. Getting to call the shots tonight sounded really comfortable and I was desperate to remain in the safe zone.
“What’s the catch?”
There was a pause.
“You have to tell me the secret you’re hiding from me that’s keeping your other side at bay.”
I gasped. Oh crap. I grimaced.
“I’m not ready for that.”
David sighed.
“I figured you’d say that, but I’m not giving you that choice tonight.”
I was officially worried.
“What do you mean I don’t get a choice?”
“You have complete free will, Julia, but I know you’re not going to just hand over something that’s so big to you that you can’t speak a word about it. So I’m not playing fair tonight.”
“What the hell are you saying David?”
He gave me a devilish grin.
“I’m saying that we’re going to play a little game.”
“Game?”
“Yes. I’m going to tease the hell out of your body until you cum, but I’m not going to let you cum until you start telling me what has so much power over you that you would lock that sexy part of you away for so long.”
“WHAT?!”
“Julia...”
He leaned in close to my face.
“...This is the part where you trust me.”
I frowned.
“Or...you know...you tell me the details of your dark secret, and then I reward you with a nice dinner and some vanilla sex, or a fun movie, whatever you like. We could even just sit on the couch and make out.”
I thought about this.
“So I spill my guts to you and then I get dinner and a movie, or, um, vanilla sex.”
He nodded and leaned back.
“Yes, you’re choice.”
Well, I had my options. It would either end up with me sobbing like a crazy, completely vulnerable woman in the depths of my inner humiliation and pain, or not being able to cum and going home sexually frustrated.
“Well, that sucks.”
“Your choice.”
“Or I could just go home.”
“And break your promise?”
He looked hurt by that comment.
“This isn’t what I promised. I promised to trust you on my terms.”
“And I’m giving you the chance to choose.”
“No, you’re telling me what my choices are, not me.”
He sighed.
“OK, you got me. But if you’re this unwilling to share with me what’s really bothering you so much, what choice do I have?”
I hated it when he was right. It was true. I was never going to “get around to it.”
“You’re saying no secret, no date.”
“Yes, but is that really what you want?”
I frowned again.
“Because I can do this as long as necessary, but it’s not nearly as satisfying as watching the look on your face as I bring you to ecstasy.”
I perked up at the sound of that.
“And you promised. I want all of you. I plan to get it, someway, somehow.”
He was right. I wasn’t being fair.
“So, either I tell you my secret and then we enjoy the night together, or you deny me sexual satisfaction.”
“Yes, well, uh, currently you’re denying me you, so it only seems fair.”
He had a point.
“OK, I’m going to try to tell you my secret.”
He put his hand on mine.
“Take your time. We’re not in a rush.”
He looked into my eyes.
“Remember, you can tell me anything. I promise not to judge you.”
“I wasn’t being judged, my...my “sexy side” was being judged.”
I struggled for the words.
“Go on, Julia.”
“I...I was 13...and...”
I stopped. He puts a hand on my cheek.
“What is it?”
“I...I was mortified...it’s like...if I tell you-”
“Yes?”
“If I tell you, I will have to remember and relive it.”
“I know...like I said...take your time.”
I sat there for two solid minutes, trying to muster up the courage to speak. He looked at my eyes with longing and sadness as he saw the pain the memory was causing me.
“Julia, whatever it was...it doesn’t matter anymore. The pain on your face...I can’t stand it. Whatever happened, it doesn’t mean anything about you.”
“YES IT DOES!!!”
He was taken aback and surprised, but then took my hand to his lips and kissed it.
“Baby, no...it...doesn’t.”
“I just don’t know if-”
“You’re almost there, Julia, I can see it in your eyes. It’s almost out. Just get it out. I need to know.”
I started to cry softly. He embraced me and kissed me on the cheek as I rested my head on his shoulders.
“It’s OK, Julia. Cry it out. Take all the time you need. I’ve got you. I’ve got you.”
I felt so secure wrapped up in his arms. So loved. I decided it was time. I lifted my head up.
“I can do this.”
“Please, baby, it’ll feel better when you do.”
I took a pause.
“I was 13.”
His eyes stared at me intently with love and earnest.
“I was feeling sexual early before all the other girls in my class were.”
He groaned.
“That must have been awful.”
“Yes, it was. I was at a girlfriend’s house watching a movie and there was a love scene in it.”
“At 13?”
I sighed.
“We had snuck out the movie Titanic from her father’s collection. We were curious. Everybody was always talking about it.”
“Go on.”
“I got turned by the love scene and I couldn’t shake it off, so I told her I had to go to the bathroom.”
He looked at me with compassion.
“So I had to fuck myself to get it out of my system and I forgot to lock the door.”
He groaned. He knew what was coming.
“My friend walked in on me, knew what I was doing, and screamed at me that I was a dirty whore.”
A few more tears fell down my face.
“I never forgot that. As the years went on, I started having sexy fantasies about boys in my class. It felt so wrong. The thoughts in my head were so wrong.”
He hugged me tightly, gave me a big kiss and then looked into my eyes. He was giddy.
“Why are you so happy?”
“Because you’re secret makes me feel closer to you than ever now.”
“Huh?”
“First of all, you’re not a whore. You’re a sexy, fierce woman who is very in touch with her sexual side, and that’s really good. Second of all, your friend didn’t know any better. And third of all, it confirms what I already suspected.”
“Suspected?”
“Yes. You’ve never been allowed to be all of who you actually are with a man. Until now.”
“David, this secret that I’ve shared doesn’t erase my shame.”
“No, it doesn’t. That’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to replace your shame by uncovering the sexy vixen in you and allowing you to feel what it’s like to not just not feel guilt about it, but to revel in it...and I’m going to enjoy every second of watching you revel.”
I looked disappointed.
“I know, you’re not excited about it right now, but you will be. I’m going to make that happen.”
I sat in silence for a minute, then felt his hand reach under my shirt and cup my breast.
“Now, about that vanilla sex I promised you.”
I smiled.
“Bring it on.”
I immediately covered my mouth, surprised by what I just said. David smiled and removed my hands from my mouth.
“That’s the stuff, Julia. That drives me wild.”
I looked painfully embarrassed.
“I think I know what we’re going to do next time.”
I looked worried.
“One step at a time. You haven’t even gotten your reward yet.”
He started to undo my jeans. My top was still on. I was confused.
“What are you doing?”
He smirked at me and took off my jeans and panties.
“Where’s my vanilla sex?”
“Oh, it’s coming.”
He chuckled and admired my pussy.
“Damn, baby, your body gets me every time.”
That made me wet instantly. He stuck a finger in.
“Mmm, you’re wet, but not as wet as you were when I fucked you in the car.”
“Well, baring your soul and feeling terrified in the process isn’t a big turn on.”
“Good point. I guess I’ll have to remedy the situation.”
Then...I felt his tongue over my clit.
“Ahhh! David, no.”
He paused and looked puzzled.
“This isn’t vanilla sex.”
“Sure it is. Most women consider it to be.”
“Well, I’m not most women.”
He was perplexed.
“No, you’re right, you’re not most women. You’re amazing. So, what do you have against me tasting you?”
I grimaced.
“What else don’t I know, Julia?”
I groaned.
“There’s more...isn’t there?
“It’s not important.”
“Hell, it is super important. I want to take in all of you, Julia. Why won’t you let me?”
I hesitated.
“Julia, remember, I won’t judge you.”
“You’re not going to like it, David.”
“What I don’t like is you keeping information from me that could change your world.”
I sighed.
“I’ve never been able to cum that way.”
“What? You’ve never orgasmed by a man’s tongue?”
I wanted to curl up back into my hole. The humiliation was all over my face.
“Oh Julia...it’s not your fault.”
“Sure it is. Something’s wrong with me.”
“Julia...if there’s one thing I’ve learned from my...uhm...experience...”
“Have you ever been with a woman who didn’t cum that way?”
“Well...no.”
“Then you’re going to realize what it feels like to be a failure like me.”
“What are you even talking about now?”
“I’ve failed at being sexual and I’ve failed the female species.”
He burst out laughing.
“I can’t tell you how ridiculous you sound right now.”
“Why?”
“Julia, you are the most sexually alive woman I’ve ever been with, you’ve just not embraced it yet. You’re hardly a failure to the female species. If anything, I’ll bet some women would be jealous of you if they only knew.”
I looked at him with hopeful eyes.
“Now as I was saying, if there’s one thing I’ve learned from my experience with women, it’s that you’re body can learn to be more responsive. It just requires some...sexual training.”
“What if that doesn’t work?”
“Well, if it doesn’t work, no hard feelings, but you can bet I’ll still be hard.”
Now, I chuckled.
“I love your laugh. It’s a beautiful sound.”
He kissed me.
“Look, I promised you sex your way and, if this is too uncomfortable, we can try this another time.”
Then...I shocked the hell out of myself.
