Patience runs out on the junkie1
The dark side hires another soul
Did he steal his fate or earn it?
Was he force-fed, did he learn it?
Whatever happened to his precious self-control
Like him I’m tired of trying to heal
This tomcat heart with which I’m blessed
Is destruction loving’s twin
Must I choose to lose or win?2
Maybe when my turn comes I will have guessed
These are the horns of the dilemma3
What truth is proof against all lies?
When sacred fails before profane
The wisest man is deemed insane
Even the purest of romantics compromise
What fixation feeds this fever
As the full moon pales and climbs?
Am I living truth or rank deceiver?
Am I the victim or the crime?
Am I the victim or the crime?
Am I the victim or the crime
Or the crime?
And so I wrestle with the angel4
To see who’ll reap the seeds I sow
Am I the driver or the driven?
Will I be damned to be forgiven?
Is there anybody here but me who needs to know?
What it is that feeds this fever
As the full moon pales and climbs?
Am I living truth or rank deceiver?
Am I the victim or the crime?
Am I the victim or the crime?
Am I the victim or the crime
Or the crime?
Words by Gerrit Graham
Music by Bob Weir
Gerrit Graham, from an essay written for The Annotated Grateful Dead Lyrics:
The j-word! Good God, the hue and cry. Desperate wails of scandalized sensibility! Indignant bellows of outraged morality! And not just, or even mostly, from the band. . . . [Bob] did finally broach the subject with Garcia, and Jerry said, “I don’t give a fuck, sing what you want.” How predictable is that? And the reference had nothing to do with Garcia.
All that noise over one little word—seems like your standard teapot tempest now. But as Bob points out, it gave the teapot a good stir: The furor made it plain that we were onto something of value, something about which folks had actual feelings, even if they wouldn’t say what those feelings really were. In the event, the band recorded the song and played it regularly for the next five or so years, as everyone knows, and soon enough the down-front Deadheads were singing along with Weir. Brent, who hated the lyric but told me that the song “sure is fun to play,” pestered Bob and me for a while to change “junkie” to something — anything — else; so once, just to get everybody to shut up about it, Bob sang “Patience runs out on the bunny.” I don’t remember the gig, and that was the only time Bob did it, but it became a running joke of sorts for a while. I’m sure there are lots of other iterations of the story in the annals of GD arcana.
. . . Regardless of what anyone thinks about the words, the tune, while not exactly cuddly, remains one of Bob’s most sophisticated and arresting compositions, a striking piece of work for which he deserves real credit. Bob says the song’s scarcity in the catalog is due to a lingering prejudice against the horrible j-word.
Tut, tut. 88
See “Deal” for a companion sentiment:
Since it costs a lot to win
And even more to lose
You and me bound to spend some time
Wonderin’ what to choose
First recorded use of the cliché/metaphor is by Laurence Sterne, in his Tristram Shandy (1760): “One of the two horns of my dilemma.” (Book IV, chapter 26)
A reference to Genesis 32:24–32, in which Jacob wrestles with a supernatural being, often rendered as an angel, who is trying to prevent him from crossing a stream. Jacob’s thigh is put out of joint in the melee, but eventually he prevails and insists on receiving the being’s blessing. The being blesses Jacob (under duress) and names him Israel. Worth noting is that this story follows immediately the story of Jacob and his brother Esau. (See “My Brother Esau.”)
Studio recording: Built to Last (October 31, 1989).
First performance: June 17, 1988, at the Metropolitan Sports Center in Bloomington, Minnesota. It remained in the repertoire steadily thereafter.