Black Panther
When I served in Vietnam in the late 1960s, the Vietcong were sometimes the least of our worries when we ventured into the jungle on missions. I’m telling you: there was danger wherever we went.
We had to worry about crocodiles and pythons in the water, and tigers, leopards, jackals, and marbled cats on dry land. Hey, that doesn’t even include vampire bats that tried to suck your blood while you were sleeping. Those were some nasty suckers!
After I arrived in Can Tho in the Mekong Delta on October 19, 1968, some of my army buddies figured out I was really good at spotting snakes, tigers, and other deadly creatures from a mile away. I guess it’s because I spent so much time in the woods as a kid.
Before too long, my army buddies started calling me Crazy Eyes because my vision was so good. They’d see me coming and say, “Here comes Crazy Eyes.” Hey, the Good Lord blessed only a few of us with 30/30 vision. I might as well use it.
After I retired from the army and moved back to West Monroe, Louisiana, I spotted a black panther roaming my brother Phil’s land a couple of times. It was a big, black cat that probably weighed about 125 pounds. It was about six feet long from its head to the tip of its tail.
Hey, my jaw dropped when I saw it because it is such a rare sight. It’s like seeing Elvis at the shopping mall or my nephew Willie doing something that requires exercise. In fact, I did a double take to make sure it was actually a panther. I know what I saw: it was definitely a black panther.
I saw the big black cat once when I was driving down a country road to Phil’s house, and then again a couple of years later when I was driving an ATV to our duck blinds. Both times, the cat was about 350 yards away from me. It was too fast for me to catch, but I found its tracks. Boy, were they big! They were about the size of my hand.
Well, when I told Phil and his boys about what I saw, they told me I must have been seeing things. Jase told me it was probably a bobcat. Hey, news flash: bobcats don’t have tracks that big, you idiot!
Phil and my nephews explained to me that black panthers don’t exist in Louisiana. Hey, it is documented that there are black panthers in Arizona, Florida, and New Mexico, and there have been reported sightings in Texas. Billy “Red Dog” Phillips, who has hunted with us forever, even saw one in Arkansas.
Explain this: If there are black panthers in Arkansas, do they stop at the Louisiana border and turn around? Do they look at each other and say, “Nope, that’s Louisiana. We’re not allowed in there!”?
In one of the Duck Dynasty episodes during season three, Jase and Jep tried to prove that I’ve never seen a black panther. They had John Godwin, who works with us at Duck Commander, sneak about four hundred feet down a dirt road. Then he got down on all fours, crawled out of his hiding place, and roared like a black panther. He looked more like a black bear with a white beard to me.
Since that episode aired in March 2013, I’ve had hundreds of Duck Dynasty fans mail me letters and photos of black panthers in Louisiana. Hey, I’m not the only person who has seen them!
Well, I finally have obtained credible evidence that proves there are black panthers roaming in the Louisiana bayou, Jack! One of the guys who plays poker with me works for the electric company in West Monroe. During one of our games last year, Bull received an emergency service call to repair an electrical transformer that was knocked out during a bad thunderstorm.
When Bull arrived at the station to repair the transformer, he was shocked to find a dead black panther! The big cat had electrocuted itself, knocking out power in the process. It was stiff as a board. Hey, the cat probably weighed eighty or ninety pounds and had big white teeth like a vampire. It was a mean-looking cat, Jack!
Bull called me and told me about the dead panther.
“Hey, send that photo to Jase,” I told him.
When Jase received the photograph of the panther, he said, “Nope. That’s Photoshopped. There is no such thing as a black panther in Louisiana.”
No matter what evidence I present, Jase will not believe that there are black panthers walking through the woods in Louisiana. He wouldn’t believe they exist if one bit him on the butt! Hey, they are the very reason you don’t walk to your deer stand at night! It’s the reason I wait until sunrise to walk to mine.
Finally, after obtaining that photo evidence of their existence in Louisiana, I called a local game warden.
“If I see a black panther can I shoot it?” I asked him.
“No,” he said. “Black panthers don’t exist in Louisiana.”
Well, consider it open season on black panthers in Louisiana. I can’t be punished for shooting something that doesn’t exist.