Jess
She was finishing her coffee and some avocado toast the next morning before heading over to Eleanor’s when someone knocked rather tentatively on the door of her Airstream.
For one wild moment, she wondered if it might be Nate, if he might have come to pick up where they had left off the night before.
Butterflies immediately swarmed in her stomach and her heartbeat edged up. No. It couldn’t be Nate. He was probably getting Sophie off to school and heading off himself to a job site. Anyway, something told her his knock would have been more forceful.
With all the heat they seemed to generate between them, maybe he wouldn’t have even bothered to knock, just would have forced the door open and swept her into his arms.
She swallowed hard and warily opened the door.
It wasn’t Nate. Instead, her sister stood on the other side. For once, Rachel didn’t look Insta-polished, her makeup flawless and her hair styled.
She had circles under her eyes, no makeup as far as Jess could tell and her hair was swept back into a messy bun with a few strands hanging out. She looked as if she had been up all night.
The memory of their fight the night before and the hard words they had flung at each other seemed to swirl around them like mist in the morning air.
“Rachel. Hi.” She looked over her sister’s head to her empty minivan parked next to Jess’s own pickup. “Where are the kids?”
“Cody had an issue with a supplier so had the morning off. He offered to get the girls to school and hang out with Silas while he makes some phone calls at home so that I could come talk to you.”
“Okay.”
What else did they have to say to each other? Her stomach burned a little, but she told herself it was only because she’d had too much coffee and not enough toast.
There wasn’t much room inside her trailer for both of them, especially not with these big feelings between them.
Since the morning was beautiful, the ocean gleaming in the sunshine after the rain, she gestured to her turquoise bistro set, grateful she had taken her still-damp clothing inside to dry in the shower now that she was ready for the day.
“Do you want some coffee? I was just eating breakfast. Can I make you some avocado toast?”
Rachel shook her head but slid into one of the chairs. “I’m not hungry. And I really don’t need more caffeine.”
“What do you need?”
“To talk to you.”
More than a little wary now, Jess grabbed her own breakfast and sat down across from her sister. She was still feeling vaguely queasy from the emotional turmoil of the night before. She wasn’t sure she was up to more today.
“I ruined your party,” Rachel said, her voice quivering slightly. “I wanted it to be perfect and then I...I ruined it.”
Rachel met her gaze and Jess saw that her sister looked wretched.
“You didn’t ruin anything.”
“I did. And the worst part is, I have no idea why. I have all the best intentions and then all these awful things come gushing out.”
As Jess feared, her sister started to cry, big tears dripping down her cheeks. Her nose started to run and she looked around rather wildly, as if Jess would have a box of tissue always at the ready.
Not sure what else to do, she handed over the napkin she hadn’t used yet and Rachel wiped at her nose and her eyes.
“I’m a hot mess,” Rachel sniffled. “You were absolutely right. I don’t know how to fix it. I keep thinking I’m doing okay and then something sets me off. And I’m losing my husband.”
The tears finally became one sob then another and another. Jess didn’t know what to do. She hated tears in herself and really hated them in her sister. She wanted to run inside the Airstream and close the door tightly behind her. But Rachel was being vulnerable with her. She couldn’t just stand by and stare.
She rose and hugged her sister, wishing the gesture that had once been so routine between them felt a little more natural and a little less forced.
Rachel didn’t seem to mind. She rested her head against Jess’s chest and held tight to her waist, letting the tears flow.
“You’re not losing your husband. I shouldn’t have said that yesterday. Cody adores you.”
“How can he? You were right. Everything you said last night.”
“I’m the last one to offer marital advice, sis. You know that. The only experience I have was being a witness along with you to our parents’ train wreck of a marriage. It might not have been the worst marriage ever but it would surely have a place of honor in the Bad Marriage Hall of Fame.”
Rachel eased away, wiping at her eyes with the bedraggled napkin. “Yes. If there were such a thing.”
“Yours doesn’t belong anywhere near there. You love Cody, right?”
“So much.” Rachel gave a watery smile. “Since the moment I met him when I was a scared fourteen-year-old foster kid. He was so kind to me. We had gym class together and you know I wasn’t athletic at all. He worked with me after school for a week, trying to teach me how to shoot a free throw so I wouldn’t humiliate myself by shooting air ball after air ball in my new school.”
“You never told me that.”
Rachel shrugged. “There are a lot of things I didn’t tell you. I didn’t want you to think I was a weakling. You were my tough, fearless, invulnerable sister.”
“Ha. That’s so not true. You know it’s not.”
“You became a soldier, Jess. Two deployments to the Middle East. You’ve always been a badass. Which is why I didn’t want to bother you with my dumb problems. You had bigger things to worry about. But Cody helped out. I’m actually really great at free throws now. You should see me.”
She brushed a strand of Rachel’s hair out of her face. “Cody helped you with that. He can help you deal with Silas, too, but you have to let him.”
She remembered Nate’s words to her and decided to repurpose them for her sister. “You can’t carry everything by yourself, Rachel. I don’t know why you feel like you have to.”
To her dismay, this seemed to set off the tears again. More dripped down her sister’s cheeks, so many that the poor napkin wasn’t going to cut it. Jess jumped up and reached into her trailer for the box of tissues she kept in the cabinet next to the door.
“I know.” Rachel sniffled. “It’s just that Mom was helpless about everything. She wouldn’t make a decision about changing toilet paper brands without Dad’s say-so. I don’t want to be like that.”
“It seems to me that you’ve gone in the exact opposite direction. You don’t want to rely on Cody for anything, even when your life feels completely overwhelming.”
“It does. It’s so hard. There are days I want to get in my car and just drive and drive and drive and never look back. I can never tell Cody that. It would break his heart.”
She buried her face in her hands. “I love our family. I do. I just...wish things could go back to the way they were when Silas was a quiet, easy baby, before he was diagnosed. Before I had pages and pages of books to read about how to handle him, before we had daylong doctor appointments, before the future became so uncertain and so damn scary for my child.” She sobbed again. “I don’t know if I’m strong enough to do this.”
Her shoulders shook with her sobs and Jess had never felt more helpless. How could she offer comfort to her sister? She had never had a child at all, let alone one with a serious, potentially life-changing disability. She didn’t have any words to make this better. Nothing she said would change Rachel and Cody’s reality anyway.
She picked her words carefully. “You are an amazing mother, Rachel. Every time I see you with the kids, I’m impressed all over again at how you make it look so effortless.”
Rachel scoffed. “I wish.”
“You do. The one night I stayed with the girls was one of the hardest things I ever did. And I didn’t have Silas that night, just Grace and Ava, who are basically self-sufficient. Everything the girls told me about their daily routine just reinforced what a good mother you are.”
She gripped Rachel’s hand. “The amazing thing to me about it is that you’re completely self-taught. We didn’t get any guidance from Roni. But the girls told me that every day you make them come home and report about a good deed they have done that day. They showed me the shelves full of books in their room and the reading nook you created and told me you read to them every single night.”
“I’ve always loved books.”
“I know. And you’re teaching your children to love books, too. Even Silas. Yesterday at my party, he sat on Eleanor’s lap for a long time while they looked through picture books. That’s all coming from you.”
Rachel sighed. “I don’t feel like anything I do is enough.”
“That’s the first thing you should stop right now. Stop comparing yourself to everyone else. I know social media is your business and that you’re great at it but somehow you have to stop looking at how everyone else defines a good mother. Give yourself a freaking break, Rachel.”
Her sister gave another watery laugh. “Is that an order, Staff Sergeant Clayton?”
“Sure. If that’s what it takes.”
She squeezed her sister’s hand again. “I also think you need to start taking time for yourself without feeling guilty about it. When was the last time you spent a few hours doing exactly what you wanted, not for a blog post or an Instagram story. Just for your mental health?”
Rachel looked pensive. “I don’t know. I honestly can’t remember.”
“There you go. Take Silas to your mother-in-law’s house while the girls are at school. She raised Cody and his siblings. Four kids born within six years, right? She can handle one two-year-old.”
“Silas is harder to handle than your average two-year-old. He can be so difficult sometimes.”
“And you’ll be the only one who can ever care for him unless you let others step in once in a while and try to figure it out. It will be good for him to spend some time with Grandma, and you can go to yoga class or something. Or better yet, put on some sexy lingerie and text Cody that you fixed lunch for him at home.”
Rachel blushed and gave a breathy laugh, but Jess thought she also looked intrigued by the idea.
“I could maybe do that.”
“You should. It will be good for you and for Cody. Don’t forget that he’s still your hero who taught you how to shoot free throws. You’ve loved him since you were fourteen.”
“I have. Silly, isn’t it?”
“No. It’s beautiful. And, Rach. If you’re the best mom I know, Cody is the best dad. The girls and Silas clearly adore him. You two make a fantastic team. You’ve just lost sight of that somewhere along the way and think you have to make all the free throws by yourself. What’s the good of being an ace shot if you won’t let anybody else on the court with you?”
Rachel laughed and shook her head. “I can’t believe you’re using a basketball analogy.”
“If that’s what it takes,” Jess said again.
Her sister rose and hugged her again. It felt so much like the old days, the Clayton sisters against the world, that Jess’s throat thickened and she almost started crying, too.
“Thank you. I came here to apologize for the way I ruined your party and the terrible things I said.”
“You didn’t ruin anything,” Jess assured her. “It was a wonderful party. I’ve never seen such a gorgeous birthday cake. I’ll never forget all the trouble you went to in order to make it special for me.”
“We should get together again before you go home. What do you think about driving up to the Redwoods? It’s not that far.”
“I would like that. I’m probably leaving Monday. Maybe we could go Sunday.”
Rachel’s face fell. “I wish you could stay longer.”
“I do, too,” she said, and was slightly shocked to realize she meant it.
“Maybe we could meet up somewhere during the summer,” Jess suggested on a whim, without really thinking it through. “In late June, I’ve got two jobs in a row lined up in the San Diego area. The kids might like to come down and enjoy Southern California. I have a week on either end. Maybe we could find a vacation rental together and do all the touristy stuff. Legoland, the San Diego Zoo, Disneyland, Universal Studios. I don’t know if Cody could take the whole week away from work, but maybe he could fly down for a few days.”
It wasn’t her idea of a relaxing vacation, but it would be fun to spend more time with her nieces and Silas, and she knew planning the trip would be Rachel’s idea of paradise.
As she expected, her sister immediately lit up. “That would be fantastic! Oh, Jess. I would love it. Especially being with you.”
“Good. Talk to Cody and let me know.”
“I will,” she promised.
Rachel hugged her tightly and Jess closed her eyes, feeling as if a small bruised corner of her heart had begun to heal.
“I love you, Jessica Marie,” her sister said.
She had to smile. How long had it been since someone called her by her full name? “And I love you, Rachel Elizabeth. You’re going to be okay.”
“I hope so.”
“I know you will. You called me a badass. As far as I’m concerned, what you’re doing as a mom to those three precious kids requires next-level badassery.”
Rachel laughed. “I might have to make a bumper sticker out of that. Motherhood. Next-level Badassery.”
“It’s got a ring.”
Rachel smiled, waved at her and climbed into her minivan, looking a hundred times better than she had when she showed up.
As she watched her drive away, Jess felt as if they had turned a corner in their relationship. She and Rachel had been pulled apart by life and circumstances. She wanted to think maybe this time in Cape Sanctuary had helped them begin the process of finding their way back together.
Now on to her next challenge: persuading Eleanor to let Jess tackle what the other woman had actually hired her to do.