AMBER FALLS IN STEP BESIDE DAWN and Lucas a few days into their second week on the trail. “Hey, Lucas,” she says. “Do you mind if I talk to Dawn on her own for a little bit?”
Lucas is in the middle of telling some story in Christian’s voice.
“Sure, no problem,” he says, and it comes out in Christian’s voice and he immediately goes red and looks panicked. “I mean, shit. Sorry.”
Amber laughs. “No worries,” she says. “That’s Christian, right? It’s pretty good.”
Lucas looks down at the ground. “Please don’t demote me.”
“I’m not going to bust you,” Amber says, rolling her eyes. “Come on, dude. Just don’t let Christian hear you, or you’ll be a Bear Cub for life.”
Lucas exhales and looks relieved.
“Now, can I get some time alone with Dawn, please?” Amber asks him.
Lucas nods. “Yeah, of course,” he says. “I’m really sorry.”
Then he hurries up the trail a little bit. Joins Kyla where she’s hiking. Dawn watches him start a conversation with Kyla and feels stupidly jealous.
But Amber’s touching her shoulder.
“So, Dawn,” she says. “How are you doing?”
It’s a stupid question. The answer is self-evident.
How am I doing? I’m marooned in the woods doing forced marches until I die, Amber. I hate everything.
How are you doing?
But Dawn knows that Amber isn’t going to be satisfied with I hate everything as an answer. So she shrugs. “My feet hurt,” she says. “And I’m really hungry.”
Amber looks at her. “Uh-huh.” It’s like she’s waiting for an answer that isn’t just complaining. Dawn gives it a beat, but Amber’s kind of stubborn.
Finally, Dawn sighs. “I’m fine, I guess,” she says. “I want to go home, but I doubt you’re going to let me do that, so, whatever.”
“Come on,” Amber says. “You don’t want to go home now, do you? Isn’t this kind of fun?”
This time, Dawn stares at Amber until Amber kind of laughs and shakes her head. “Well, you’re right, we can’t let you go yet,” she says. “Not until you’re a Grizzly. But we’ll get you there. I promise.”
“Okay,” Dawn says. “I mean, whatever. Is this what you wanted to talk to me about?”
There’s another part of the Out of the Wild MO that I haven’t brought up yet. It’s the part where they try to get you to TALK about your FEELINGS.
It’s the part where you EXPLORE why you’re so ANGRY and why it makes you ACT OUT.
Sometimes this happens in a GROUP SETTING and sometimes it’s ONE-ON-ONE.
Right now, for Dawn and Amber, it’s ONE-ON-ONE.
“Your file says you ran away from home,” Amber tells Dawn as they hike up the side of a narrow, rocky river. “Do you want to talk about that?”
“Not really,” Dawn says. She’s hoping she can just stonewall Amber, deflect until it’s time to stop for lunch or dinner or make camp or resupply or go home.
She is aware this is probably going to be impossible.
“I also read that you’ve got a bit of a drug habit,” Amber says. “Do you want to tell me about that?”
“No thank you,” Dawn says.
“I guess there was a guy, too,” Amber says. “Somebody older? Your parents were worried he was a bad influence.”
“You mean my mom,” Dawn says before she can stop herself. “I don’t have parents. My dad’s dead.”
This is THE WRONG THING TO SAY to a person like Amber. Dawn knows it as soon as she says it. She can see how Amber immediately perks up. “I heard that, too,” Amber says. “I’m so sorry. It’s been a couple of years, right?”
Dawn feels the first tingle of panic. “I don’t want to talk about it,” she says.
“I get that,” Amber tells her. “I really do. But it might help, you know, talking to someone? You can’t just keep these feelings bottled up inside.”
Sure I can, Dawn thinks. Just try me.
“I know it must have been hard on you,” Amber says. “According to your file, you started acting out shortly after your dad passed.”
Dawn feels it like sandpaper on her nerves. Rubbing grit into her, making her squirm. “I don’t want to talk about it,” she says again. Tries to shut down, go flat and numb and lifeless.
“I know you’re not a bad kid, Dawn,” Amber says. “Your mom says in your file that you’re smart and creative and kind, and hey, I can sense that just spending time around you. I’d love to help you get back to that person we both know you are, if you’d let me.”
Dawn thinks that Amber doesn’t know anything about her, that she’s full of shit, that she’s not qualified to say anything about how Dawn should lead her life just because she read a freaking file.
But she also wants to believe Amber. She wants to believe there’s a way out of this that doesn’t involve screaming fits with your mom and sex with drug dealers. She wants to believe life is going to get better.
What she doesn’t want to do is have to talk about her dad. Not now or ever. Not to Amber or anyone else. She doesn’t want to think about him, period.
She just can’t.
“I don’t want to talk about it,” she tells Amber again. And this time Amber seems to actually hear her.
“That’s okay,” the counselor says. She smiles at Dawn brightly and touches her shoulder. “Another time, maybe,” she says.
I doubt it, Dawn thinks, but she doesn’t say anything. She just quickens her pace and tries to catch up with Lucas and Kyla.
And leaves Amber in her dust.