Marissa leaned back into the couch and sighed heavily. She had almost canceled today’s session but canceling was becoming a habit. And if Marissa wanted to go back to work, she had to make these appointments. Ellie was on the floor, below her feet, already twitching as she napped.
“So, how are you feeling today?”
The sound of a woman’s soft voice broke through her thoughts. Dr. Seaver sat in a large leather armchair across from her, her legs crossed neatly, a pen in her hand, and her notebook on her lap. Her blonde hair was pulled back tightly, her mouth in a stiff smile.
Marissa adjusted again, maybe the fourth time since sitting down, curling her legs beneath her, and offered a slight shrug. “Fine?”
“Are you asking me if you feel fine?” Dr. Seaver stared at her expectantly, seeming wary of Marissa’s attitude. When Marissa didn’t respond, she continued. “Today marks the second anniversary, right?” Her tone shifted, becoming softer and gentle. And the glare she had been giving a moment earlier had also softened. No matter how much Marissa hated her, there was a reason she was considered good at her job.
“Two years yesterday,” she answered, letting her eyes fall back on the window. Putting the words into the space between them made her feel naked and vulnerable.
“When we first started meeting a year ago, you told me that you wouldn’t forgive yourself for what happened. Your words. You wouldn’t forgive yourself.”
There wasn’t an obvious question, but she paused, waiting for Marissa to answer. Uncomfortably, she nodded. “That’s right.”
“Do you still feel like the blame should rest solely on you?”
Marissa just stared, blinking at the other woman.
“When you say, ‘I will never forgive myself,’ this implies that there is something to forgive. That you were somehow to blame for what happened.”
So much for just sailing through this session as she had planned.
“Do you still feel that way?” she asked matter-of-factly, pen in hand, ready to take note while Marissa sat and stared dumbfounded.
“I—” Somehow, Marissa hadn’t considered it this way before. Her mouth opened and closed several times before the doctor verbally prodded her again.
“Do you feel like what happened was your fault?”
Grateful for the forwardness of the question despite the discomfort rising in her stomach, she silently nodded. She could feel the wetness of tears and her face burning.
“Why?” Her voice was even softer than it had been a minute ago.
“It was my lead—”
“That you discussed with your partner, Tom Disher.”
“Yes—”
“And he agreed with you that it was a solid lead?”
Marissa just nodded her head.
“And who made the call for backup?”
“I did.”
“And who didn’t wait.”
“Well—”
“No, Marissa. Who went in instead of waiting for backup?”
“Tom did.” She dropped her eyes back to the floor.
Tom had argued, saying that by the time backup arrived, they would be long gone. He went into the warehouse, and Marissa waited fewer than five minutes before running after him. It had been too late. She entered the warehouse just in time to watch the gunfire and see him fall to the ground, lifeless. And then someone had struck her from behind, and everything went black.
“The point here, Marissa, is you are blaming yourself for something you had no control over. You ran in after your partner because he was in danger. You called for backup; you wanted to wait. You didn’t do anything wrong.” She passed over a box of tissues that Marissa accepted. “You need to give yourself some grace. Stop blaming yourself.”
The hour-long session felt like an eternity. As Marissa tried to regain some semblance of composure, Dr. Seaver offered her a new box of tissues. Ellie wasn’t pleased with Marissa’s discomfort either, now on the couch with her head resting on Marissa’s shaking leg.
“We’ve been meeting for nearly a year, and this is the first time you’ve been honest with me. I know it hasn’t been easy. You have kept so much on the inside, and you are letting it swallow you from the inside. I’m here to listen. I’m not here to be your friend; I’m not here to put judgment on you. I’m here to give you the support you need to pick yourself back up.” She smoothed out her white knee-length skirt and gave a small smile. “Be kind to yourself this week, and I will see you next Friday.”
Marissa would have continued talking around everything if it had been up to her, but the doctor earned her paycheck. She hadn’t planned on even acknowledging what this week was. Be kind to yourself was such a loaded statement.
Marissa shoved her hands into her pockets and looked down the street. Ellie walked alongside her, shaking her service dog vest back into place after lying down for so long. It was a quiet, cold day with gray skies and the roads were bare. It was pretty typical for a September day. The tourist town was slow during the later months of the year.
Patting her side, Marissa called Ellie to her and headed down the street, deciding the smell of fresh baked goods was just what she needed.
As she opened the door, the chime went off over her head, and her sister waved happily from behind the counter, finishing up with the customer at the register. The smell of pastries and baked goods filled her nose. Seeing her sister had quite the line, she walked over to an empty booth by the window, motioning for Ellie to lie down beneath the table.
For Goodness Bakes had been their mom’s shop. And from the very beginning, their mother had let Mel work her way up, so by the time she was in high school, she was running the place. And when Melanie was pregnant with Bridget, their mother had signed the whole bakery over to her. Her little sister had quite the gift for cooking and baking. She was absolute magic in the kitchen, especially when it came to baking. It was a gene that Marissa did not share. She was a general disaster in the kitchen.
“Aunt Rissa!” An auburn-haired girl ran over and threw her arms over Marissa.
“Bree!” She gave her niece a big hug. “Oh, this is what I needed! How did you know?” The little girl giggled, and Marissa couldn’t help but smile. “And how is the birthday girl today?”
“Amazing. I’m eleven now, you know.” She giggled again and glanced under the table. “Can I take Ellie for a walk?”
Marissa grinned and glanced over at Mel. “As long as it’s okay with your mother, it’s fine with me.”
Moments later, Brianna came over to gather up Ellie and take her for a walk.
“Remember, take her vest off. She isn’t working when you walk her.”
Bree looked so much like Melanie when she was her age. Growing up, Marissa had always assumed that she would be the first to get married and have kids. Melanie had been married for twelve years now, with four kids. And what was crazier, Melanie had married Marissa’s ex-husband’s brother. Back when they were kids, Brian and Mel couldn’t stand each other. Of course, when they were kids, Marissa and Jared were inseparable. Now he wouldn’t even take her calls. But again, it was of her own doing.
“You are making it so I have to buy my kid a dog, you know.” Melanie sat down across from Marissa, sliding her a plate of cookies. “You look like you need some cookies,” she added with a grin.
Marissa raised an eyebrow before taking a warm cookie off the plate. “Well, every kid should have a dog.” She paused. “And today is even her birthday!”
“Yeah, maybe for Christmas,” Melanie said with a sly smile before furrowing her brow. “What’s wrong?”
Marissa sighed and took another bite of the cookie. The cookie tasted like magic and smelled even better. “Nothing.”
Mel just continued to stare.
“I just came from Dr. Seaver’s office.”
Melanie’s frown deepened. “I still don’t understand how this is ethical.”
She wasn’t wrong. It was bad enough that she already had to see a psychiatrist once or twice a week. Still, Marissa wasn’t allowed to carry her badge or gun without the sessions. That was frustrating. But then there was the fact that the only psychiatrist in a twenty-five-mile radius was Laura Seaver. Laura Seaver was three years older than Marissa, and while they were never friends or enemies, they had run in the same circles. She dated Allison, one of Marissa’s best friends in high school. A fundamental problem with small towns.
Mel took one of the cookies off the plate and took a bite. “You okay?”
Marissa just shrugged. “Always.” She gave her sister a wry smile. Marissa loved Melanie so much that she wouldn’t share any of the grim or awful details of the things she went through. Without even giving it a thought, she always worked hard to give her sister a brave face, whether she believed it or not.
Melanie raised an eyebrow but didn’t say anything.
“Sessions with her are just draining,” Marissa added.
That seemed reasonable enough, as Melanie took another cookie. “You’re coming to Bree’s birthday party tonight, right?”
“I wouldn’t miss it for the world!”
Even though Marissa never missed a single important milestone, Melanie looked uncertain.
“Why?”
“Well, you know Jared will be there.”
Marissa held back a sigh and had to work to keep her face neutral. “Of course,” she said before taking a bite of her cookie, trying to hide any signs of her feelings.
“I guess he’s bringing his new girlfriend,” Melanie said slowly, watching Marissa closely.
“That’s cool.” Marissa had to force the words out. For Melanie, Marissa put on all the works: They were just in different places. They tried to make it work for so long, but she needed to focus on herself. It was all a load of shit. So, she pretended not to care, or at least to care less. Even though just hearing his name made her heart sink.
Melanie made a face. She didn’t necessarily buy Marissa’s excuses, but she also didn’t pry. “That’s not going to be a problem, right?”
“Of course not. I’m happy for him.” Marissa had done all but told him she didn’t love him anymore; of course, he would move on. It had been six months.
That seemed good enough for Mel. “Good. I’m super excited—we’re doing cupcakes instead of a cake, per her request, and the theme is mermaids…”
Marissa zoned out. She didn’t mean to, and she continued to nod and respond, but her heart wasn’t in it. Her mind wandered to her ex-husband, whom she hadn’t seen since she told him she wouldn’t be going back to Seattle with him.
After her recovery and physical therapy, Marissa came back home to finish healing. And for a year, Jared would come down and spend weekends with her. A whole year. Fuck, she missed him. She missed his voice. He had been her best friend since the second grade. Now he wouldn’t even take her phone calls, wouldn’t respond to texts. Not that she could blame him. From his point of view, she had been a selfish bitch. She made him put his life on hold for over a year for nothing.
“So we’ll see you tonight around six?” Melanie’s voice broke back through her thoughts.
Forcing a smile, she nodded. “Absolutely.”
The timing was perfect, as Bree ran back through the door with a happy Ellie right on her heels.
“Good timing, kid. I’ve got to go.” She stood, slipping Ellie’s vest back on, and gave her niece a big hug, lifting the girl off the ground. “I’ll see you tonight.” Turning to Melanie, she gave her a quick hug and kiss on the cheek. “Thanks for the cookie, sis. I’ll see you later.”
Marissa took a big, deep breath as she hurried across the street and looked out on the water. For Goodness Bakes was right on Main Street, across from the dock: only two blocks away from her therapist’s and only a ten-minute walk from her quiet neighborhood. But Marissa wasn’t ready to go home yet. As though on cue, her phone buzzed in her pocket. It was her mother. She wasn’t in the mood for a chat with her mom either. Her calls had become more frequent lately, always wanting to know how she was doing, what she was doing. She couldn’t help but vocalize her concern, and since she had given her the house, Marissa felt obligated to answer. But not right now. She would likely see her tonight at the party anyway.
“Let’s go for a run, baby.” She looked at Ellie, who offered a toothy grin back happily at her. It was her new go-to when she could stomach it. Despite the chronic pain that plagued her, Marissa was in incredible physical shape, at least from an outsider’s eye. She would run until she could run no more. Her doctor had advised against such behavior—she was thinner than she should have been—but if she could push through the pain, running always left her feeling in some kind of control. And her abs looked phenomenal.
Marissa started at an easy jog, clenching her jaw as her heels hit the ground with every step. I just need to push through. This will pass; I am safe, she told herself. It was always her go-to when she had to force herself to keep going. She repeated it to herself as she made her way from downtown to uptown and along the path to Fort Worden State Park.
As she left the buildings and people behind and made her way into the state park, Marissa went from a jog to a full run, and she didn’t stop until she made it to the Point Wilson Lighthouse. She nearly collapsed against the old building, looking down the steep incline. She stood and breathed heavily, her chest wheezing. Ellie was also feeling it as she lay down beside Marissa’s feet, head up and alert but panting.
“Sorry, girl.” She rubbed the dog’s head. She huffed before sliding to sit down beside the dog, pulling her knees up and wrapping her arms around them, just watching the waves. It was windy and cold, and the water was choppy. She could taste the salt in the air. This was one of the few things about Port Townsend that she did love: the smell of the sea always in the air. It made up for its cliche small town vibe that the little town fully embraced.
Looking up at the sky, she sighed. It looked like rain was incoming. She pulled her phone from her pocket and stared at it for a long moment, studying the wallpaper. It was a much happier time; a trip Marissa and Jared had taken to the mountain. A selfie in the snow. She kept meaning to change it but couldn’t bring herself to do it. Opening her contacts, she called the first person on her list.
“Hey, Rissa. What’s up?” The voice on the other end of the line was unsurprisingly cheerful.
“Hey, Allie. I know you have to work soon, but do you think you could come to grab Ellie and me?”
There was a pause. “Where are you at?”
“We’re at the lighthouse. We went for a run and ended up much farther than I planned.”
Now there was a sigh. Marissa could picture her friend’s disappointed look now. “Yeah, give me fifteen minutes. I’ll be right there.”
After she hung up, Marissa looked at the clock. She’d left Mel’s nearly an hour ago. Leaning her head back against the old wall, Marissa sighed, glancing down at her phone again. She scrolled through her contacts and stopped at Lydia Disher’s number. She had been meaning to call for weeks now. She wanted so badly to check in on Lydia and Evelyn, but whenever she heard Evelyn’s laugh or saw Lydia’s face, all the guilt came rushing back. Backing out of her contacts, she went to her voicemail and stared at the only saved message in her inbox. The message was just over two years old, but Marissa hadn’t been able to bring herself to listen to it still. She couldn’t bring herself to hear Tom’s voice. Closing her phone, she wiped her eyes and looked out into the water, wishing she could think of anything else.
Marissa was still lost in her thoughts when Allison tapped her on the shoulder, causing her to jump. “Hey, lady.”
“Hey,” Marissa said softly, taking a deep breath, smiling at her dark-haired friend, having to shield her eyes from the sun.
“You need some help?” Allison offered her hand out, and Marissa accepted. “Did you seriously run from your house?”
“From the bakery.”
“Jesus.” Allison looked like she was about to give her a lecture but held back. Marissa was grateful. “The car is right over here.”
Marissa clenched her jaw as she walked. She had pushed herself too far, and they both knew it. So, they took the five-minute drive in silence. Marissa was sure Allie was trying to think of what to say. But she kept her lips set until she pulled up behind Marissa’s Cooper.
“Listen. You need to try and take it easy. We both know that was way too much. I don’t know what is going on right now, but you need to take better care of yourself.” Marissa sighed heavily. “And that’s all I’m gonna say on the matter.”
Marissa opened the door and let Ellie jump over her and run to the front door of the house. She turned her head back to look at Allie before stepping out of the car. “I appreciate it.”
“You know I’m here for you, always, my love.” She flashed her big smile. “I’ll be working at the bar tonight if you need me.”
“Thanks, Allie. I’ll call you later.”
Marissa watched as Allison pulled out of the driveway and headed out of the neighborhood. When she was out of sight, she sighed heavily and turned toward her front porch. As Marissa walked up the four steps, she scanned the porch floor, furrowing her brow. But as she reached the door, she breathed a sigh of relief that the porch was empty. She looked down both ends once more before unlocking the door and heading in.
“Medicine and a nap.” Marissa nodded, responding to herself.
She had a few hours to try and take it easy, and then she could take a shower and get herself to Mel and Brian’s. Marissa walked straight to the kitchen to the medicine cabinet. She thumbed through her pain pills, looking for something that would be effective. She was going to have to refill her meds soon. Eventually, she found the one she was looking for and popped two oxys.
“Fuck,” Marissa grumbled, the ache rushing through her body. She made her way to the couch and all but collapsed. She had planned only to rest her eyes, but the exhaustion washed over her.