SALLY IS IN THE kitchen pouring herself some milk when Alexa barges in. ‘Would you mind giving us some privacy, Sally?’ she says.
Sally stares at me, because Alexa looks completely unhinged.
She’s wearing pyjama bottoms – blue flannelette with sheep on them – snow boots and a black, padded dealer’s jacket. Her ordinarily silky blonde hair is damp, scraped back into a ponytail and starting to frizz around the temples. And she has black smudges beneath her eyes where she’s not taken her mascara off properly.
I give a quick flick of my head to Sally, meaning ‘Scoot,’ and when she’s left the room I say to Alexa, ‘What’s all this about?’ But I’ve kind of figured out already that this is a whole different type of anger to what she displayed when Lucinda first disappeared.
Still, I want to hear it from her. I want to be sure before I fall apart. I give her my best poised, unruffled look.
Alexa’s jaw is set. ‘Get Joe.’
Five minutes later, and Joe’s standing in his dressing gown, bits of shaving cream still welling in his nostrils and just inside his ears. Alexa turns to him. ‘Joe, your wife and my husband have been having an affair,’ she says.
Immediately, Joe snorts. Looks at me, ready for us both to collapse into laughter. When he sees I’m not smiling his face drains of colour. ‘It’s not true, is it?’ he asks.
Before I can answer, Alexa shrieks, ‘Of course it’s true! Do you think I’d come around here like this?’ – she gestures to her pyjamas – ‘Do you think I’d come here if it wasn’t true? Good God, Joe, what planet are you on?’
Joe swallows. After a long, silent moment, he says, ‘How long?’
I hold up my index finger. ‘Once,’ I whisper. I can’t look at him.
‘Once? Fucking once!’ Alexa screams. ‘Well, if you think I’m believing that nonsense then you’re a bigger fool than I had you down for. Of course it wasn’t once. Who the hell does it once? … What, you did it once and then you couldn’t live with yourself, is that it?’
‘Something like that,’ I mutter.
‘When was this?’ Joe asks.
‘When we went round to Kate and Guy’s that time for dinner.’
‘But that was … that was ages ago,’ he says, frowning.
‘Three or four years,’ I reply.
Alexa is looking quickly from me to Joe, me to Joe. ‘Is that it?’ she says. ‘Is that all you’re going to say to her?’
He shifts his feet around to face her. Exhaling, he says, ‘What do you want me to say, Alexa? Why don’t you tell me what you want me to say? Or, better yet, why don’t you say what you want to say?’
‘I want to know how many times. I want to know where they meet. I want to know why?’
Joe looks at me. ‘Lise?’
‘Once. It happened once. We don’t meet anywhere, it happened that time and that was—’
‘Oh, for fuck’s sake,’ Alexa says in disgust. ‘You’re as bad as him.’
‘Who?’ asks Joe.
‘Adam.’
She’s gripping on to the back of a chair; her knuckles have lost their colour. ‘Is this what you decided?’ she asks me. ‘Is this some little plan you cooked up together with Adam before he came clean? “Let’s just say it was a one-off, that it meant nothing, that it was one moment of madness. If we both say the same thing, then no one can prove otherwise, can they?” ’
I stare at her. ‘Isn’t once enough?’
She doesn’t answer.
‘Why did you do it, baby?’ Joe asks me softly.
I shrug hopelessly. ‘I was pissed.’
‘What sort of excuse is that?’ Alexa hisses.
‘A truthful one. I can elaborate if it makes you feel better. I can say the alcohol removed my moral compass, or say it blurred the boundaries, or that I lost self-control. But I was just really, really pissed.’
‘Do you go fucking other people every time you have a drink?’
I look at Joe. ‘I’m sorry,’ I mouth to him, and he holds my gaze then closes his eyes slowly.
‘Why did you have to choose my husband, anyway?’ Alexa says, a tearful edge creeping into her voice now. ‘Why Adam?’
‘I didn’t choose Adam.’
She glares at me as if to say, Oh, c’mon.
‘He chose me.’
Wounded, Alexa turns back to Joe. ‘Why are you not saying anything? Why are you not doing anything about this?’ Then she starts to cry. ‘What kind of fucking man are you, Joe?’
‘I’d rather discuss this when you’re gone,’ he replies, ignoring the insult. Then, gently, ‘How did you find out, Alexa?’
‘That bastard told me. Couldn’t keep it to himself any longer, he said. Said it’s been tormenting him for years but he couldn’t bring himself to admit it. What I want to know is, who else knows about your little affair?’
‘Whatever. Who else did you tell? Obviously not your husband. But I’d like to know who’s sniggering about me behind my back so I can be ready.’
I shift from one foot to the other. ‘No one knows,’ I lie, thinking of Kate. Jesus, if she finds out her own sister has been withholding this … ‘No one,’ I say firmly. ‘I’ve never told anyone.’
Alexa dabs at her eyes.
Joe says, ‘Why did he tell you now? Why now, after all this time? Doesn’t make any sense.’
‘That’s what I said,’ she snaps. ‘But he said that with all the upset going on with Lucinda at the moment, and the police going through every inch of our lives, he couldn’t handle having secrets any more.’
Joe nods. ‘Alexa, would you like a drink?’ he asks.
‘No. No, I’ll go. I don’t know what I expected coming around here but, well, I have to say, Joe, you’re dealing with this better than I am. I’ll leave you to talk.’ She turns to me. ‘Do you have any diseases?’ she asks, and I shake my head. ‘Good. I suppose I’ll have to take your word, won’t I?’
‘Sorry, Alexa,’ I say weakly. ‘If I could undo it, I would. All I can say is I never meant to hurt anyone. It’s just something that … happened.’
She fixes me with a glare.
‘These things never just happen. There’s always some underlying pathology, as they say. You’ve been harbouring resentment towards me from the start. And I know Kate puts up with you. I know you’re like her personal project or something. She has this ridiculous notion that she can save people, she thinks she can talk to the little people and make them feel important. And I warned her about it, I really did. I said to her, “Kate, we can’t mix. There will be problems.” But she didn’t listen. And now look at us. Not only have you been fucking my husband but, because of you, Kate has lost her only daughter.’