September 13, Friday

My hands grip the edge of the kitchen sink as the first hint of light begins in the east. I haven’t slept at all, waiting all night for the sound of Luiz arriving home. I paced the floors in the living room and kitchen, walked around the back yard, sat on the front veranda. I try not to cry but tears come anyway. My nose is stuffy and my face aches from the congestion of unshed tears.

Luiz doesn’t tell me where he is going or what he’s doing with the resistance, but he’s been increasingly active in the last few months. He’s gone out several nights a week but always comes home in time to sleep for a few hours and get ready for work and kiss me before I leave to catch the workers’ bus to Brasília. Sometimes he arrives in the early hours of the morning, and I only begin to breathe again when I hear his key in the door and he crawls into bed beside me. But he’s never been out all night. The morning has never dawned without him next to me.

My head is pounding and my heart races as I throw together some food for my lunch and get dressed. I have to act normal for the kids and so no one at work will suspect anything is wrong. I repeat a prayer over and over for God to keep Luiz safe, to bring him home to me.

I knock on Sónia’s kitchen door and it’s early so it takes her a few minutes to get up and come to the door. “Eva, is everything all right?”

I wipe tears from my cheeks. “No, it isn’t. Luiz hasn’t come home. I have to go to work. The boys are still in bed.”

She opens the door and gives me a hug. I try not to cry. “Don’t worry Eva, I’ll take care of the kids. Luiz will be home soon, he’s just gotten delayed. Maybe there was car trouble. Maybe he stayed at someone’s house so he wouldn’t be in the streets in the middle of the night.”

I pull my sweater close and nod in agreement. “Yes, I’m sure everything will be fine.” We both know it won’t be fine. I turn and put one foot in front of the other on my way to the bus stop.