January 26, Tuesday

Walking home from the military workers’ bus stop in the town square, the sky is dark and moonless. It’s a hot and humid summer night and I’ll be glad to get home and put on a light dress. My mind is busy with the things that need to be done for the kids, for the bikini business, and tomorrow at work. I’ve got lists to keep track of everything.

My thoughts stop cold as I realize a man is walking in parallel without talking to me. He breaks the silence. “Take the first left.”

I know what to do from the last time, and it’s the same voice. I duck into the first side street and slip between two darkened buildings. My heart is hammering as I wait for him in the shadows.

Suddenly he’s next to me. “Same rules as before. You can’t tell anyone about this, except give this message to your husband. Agreed?”

“Yes.” My voice trembles.

“Your husband has to stop. Things are getting worse. It’s normal operating procedure now to disappear people. That is what will happen if he doesn’t quit.”

I take a deep breath. “Don’t you think I’ve tried? He’s passionate about the cause and won’t give up.”

“Look, someone on the inside in Rio let your husband go and you got lucky when no one came after him. But next time we won’t be able to help you. I told you, things are getting worse.”

“I appreciate your help more than I can say. Who do I have to thank?”

“Oh no you don’t. You know I can’t tell you that. Curiosity kills the cat. Go home and tell him. Stop.”

My throat aches and I can only whisper. “Okay, thank you. Thank you.”

He begins to walk away but stops and looks back over his shoulder. “Maybe some day, when this is over, you will know more. Lay low but don’t forget. Keep it in your memory for the day of justice. It has to come.”

I wait as he melts into the darkness, gulping deep breaths to calm down. Lightning flares in the distance and I hear thunder. I rush to get home.

As I walk into the house Luiz is leaning over the kitchen table helping the boys with their homework. He looks up with a smile but his expression changes once he sees me. “Mamãe is home! Okay, guys, let’s finish up and get ready for bed.” Luiz helps them organize things and I say a prayer with the boys before giving them goodnight kisses.

Once they’re sleeping I look at Luiz and point to the backyard. The air is crackling with the smell of rain. We stand outside in the darkness.

“Eva, what is it? Did something happen at work?”

I let out a deep breath. “Luiz, I’m sick. I’m sick of worrying. And I got a warning tonight, a message to give to you.” I tell him every detail, and I try not to, but I’m crying.

He is silent for a long time. “This has to be someone from inside the military. Saying ‘operating procedure’ is very military.”

“Stop! Like he said, you have to stop! Stop trying to guess. Who cares where the warning came from? Was he wrong about Rio?”

Luiz becomes very quiet. “No, he wasn’t wrong. But he’s also right that things are getting worse. We can’t let our voices be silenced.”

I become quiet too. “Luiz, what do you love more? Your family? Me? Or Brazil, after all she has done to you.”

Lightning turns the sky to daylight with a crack of thunder. We dash inside as the rain begins to pelt down. I remember my dream: Luiz and I on a small bit of sand with the ocean rising around us.