CHAPTER TEN
Tailor Your Second Wedding or Vow Renewal to Fit You
You’re older. You’re wiser. You know yourself better. Whether marrying for the second time or renewing original vows, many people find themselves freer to create the wedding of their dreams (rather than that of family or friends) the second time around. Personalizing the ceremony and reception with meaningful quotes will make the occasion even more intimate and unique.
Second Wedding Ceremonies
Yes, you’ve done this before, but not with this person, at this time, in this way. Your ceremony is the time to express your love, commitment and renewed optimism for the future. Take extra care to craft a ceremony that reflects the uniqueness of your union. And call on the world’s best wordsmiths to help.
WRITE YOUR OWN VOWS
This is the time to write your own vows to express exactly what this marriage means to you, using quotes that help you express it. Look at Chapter 8 for tips on vow writing. While your vows shouldn’t dwell on negative aspects of your previous marriage, they can mention how the knowledge you’ve gained from the past will strengthen your commitment to this new marriage.
HAVE YOUR CHILDREN SAY “VOWS”
If you have kids from a previous marriage, consider including them in the ceremony by having them stand with you at the altar and saying “family vows.” The two of you say your vows, and then your officiant asks your kids to accept their new siblings as stepsiblings or to accept your new spouse as a stepparent, new family member or new friend.
GIVE KIDS A PHYSICAL SYMBOL OF UNITY
Present your children with a locket, a “family medallion” (three interlocking circles on a chain, for example) or a bracelet to symbolize their role in your new union. Engrave the item with a quote about the nature of family, unity or love. Before ordering anything, however, make sure your spouse-to-be, your children and your ex-spouse are comfortable with this gesture.
You could also present children with a book of age-appropriate poems about love and friendship, or create a personal collection of poems culled from this book and from your favorite children’s volumes.
LIGHT A UNITY CANDLE
A unity candle is a symbol of two families or two partners joining together as one. Look for quotes to read during the candle lighting, paying particular attention to those listed under the PARTNERSHIP, FRIENDSHIP AND COMPANIONSHIP; SOUL MATES and HARDSHIP sections.
INCLUDE READINGS
As with a first wedding, readings are one of the best ways to include other people in your ceremony. You may ask for readings by your children, friends who stood by you through tough times, new friends and even ex-in-laws or partners (depending on how close you are). Turn to Chapter 8 for tips on creating ceremony readings.
If you want older children to give readings, help them select something from a favorite book of theirs. Many children’s books, such as Winnie-the-Pooh, Charlotte’s Web or The Little Prince, have wedding-worthy passages about trust, loyalty, friendship and love. And the familiarity of the book may help children feel more comfortable.
Roles for Children
Even shy children can play a part in your wedding by passing out programs, serving as flower children, lighting a family candle or acting as bridesmaids or groomsmen. But don’t expect them to do more than they could do on an ordinary Saturday afternoon. Including them should make them feel special, not embarrassed or overburdened, and it should be a pleasure for you; if you have a rambunctious, recalcitrant or often defiant toddler, don’t expect angelic behavior just because you’re getting married.
Vow Renewals
You can renew your vows any time you want—one week after your first wedding or fifty years later. A vow renewal ceremony is an emotional rather than a legal event, meaning your own taste is your only limit on creative expression. The message, format and tone are up to you.
Many religions have standardized reaffirmation vows, which you may want to consider incorporating into the vows you write yourself. Check with your clergyman, rabbi or officiant. And incorporate creative language to help express your continued love. Here’s how:
REVIEW YOUR ORIGINAL VOWS
Take a look at your original vows and think about which parts have particular meaning to you now. You may want to restate your original vows in their entirety, or include a specific line that has taken on added resonance. Jot down the sections you may want to include.
ASK YOURSELVES “WHY?”
Think about what this ceremony means to you. Did you elope the first time and now want a huge affair to share with all the people you love? Are you renewing your vows to show your children and grandchildren how love grows? Have you recently gone through a rough period in your relationship and are now reaffirming your commitment? Use this opportunity to reflect on the reason for renewing, as well as on difficulties you’ve overcome and victories you’ve achieved together. Write down your thoughts.
LOOK ANEW AT YOUR SPOUSE
Think about the qualities of your spouse you love the most—patience, a sense of humor, the ability to constantly surprise you—and which qualities have changed or evolved over time. Write down these things, too.
FIND QUOTES THAT SAY IT BEST
Look for quotes that reflect your feelings about your marriage and your reasons for reaffirming it. Look particularly at the CONVICTION, DEVOTION, LOVE HELPS YOU GROW, FOREVER LOVE and IT’S BETTER WHEN YOU’RE OLDER sections.
WRITE, REWRITE AND READ ALOUD
Write your first draft, and read it aloud. Rewrite any phrases that seem awkward or difficult to say. Continue editing until you’re comfortable with every sentence and feel the vows express exactly what you mean.
DON’T LEAVE HOME WITHOUT IT
Just because you’re older and wiser doesn’t mean you’re exempt from nerve-induced forgetfulness. Bring a copy of your vows with you just in case.
Sample Vow Renewal
Sarah and John are reaffirming their vows after thirty years of marriage. They wanted to repeat their original vows and recite two poems that express for them their continued love.
OFFICIANT:
Do you, John, take Sarah to be your wife? To have and to
hold, for better and for worse, in sickness and in health, from
this day forward?
JOHN:
I do and I did.
Sarah,
How much do I love thee?
Go ask the deep sea
How many rare gems
In its coral caves be,
Or ask the broad billows,
That ceaselessly roar
How many bright sands
So they kiss on the shore?
(DEVOTION)
OFFICIANT:
Do you, Sarah, take John to be your husband? To have and to
hold, for better and for worse, in sickness and in health,
from this day forward?
SARAH:
I do and I did.
John, The memories of long love
Gather like drifting snow,
Poignant as the mandarin ducks,
Who float side by side in sleep.
Falling from the ridge
Of high Tsukuba
The Minano River
At last gathers itself,
Like my love, into
A deep, still pool.
(LOVE)
Who Will Officiate?
Since a reaffirmation ceremony is not a legal act, anyone can officiate—a judge, family member, friend or mentor. If you’re planning to do it in a church or synagogue, however, you will probably be required to have a clergy member sanction your vows.
Reception Redux and Extra Touches
Your reaffirmation event can include many of the traditional wedding elements, such as a receiving line, toasts and cake cutting, or it can be any kind of party you desire. Many people reaffirming their marriage feel far freer to throw the post-nup party of their dreams this time around. You might want something more relaxed and laid-back than your original wedding. Or perhaps you have more funds now and want to throw an over-the-top bash to celebrate your years together. Whatever type of party you’re planning, turn to Chapter 9 for suggestions for personalizing your reception. And consider these suggestions for using words to make your reaffirmation reception speak about your enduring love:
ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR SUPPORTERS . . . WITH WORDS
If you’ve been married for 25 years, chances are a handful of people have contributed to the strength of your marriage. Readings and reception toasts are a great way to include others in your event. You can mention others in your own readings or toasts, or ask your children, a longtime friend, or a family member, coach, religious leader or counselor to read or speak. Turn to Chapter 7 for help writing terrific toasts and to Chapter 8 for suggestions on creating readings.
RINGS THAT SING
Get your old rings engraved with a line from your favorite poem, or get new gold rings made inscribed with this fragment from Katherine Lee Bates: “Old love is gold love” (IT’S BETTER WHEN YOU’RE OLDER).
FAMILY JEWELS
Why stick to rings? A reaffirmation is a perfect time to give a locket or other piece of jewelry with a special phrase inscribed, such as this fragment from Theodore Parker: “A happy wedlock is a long falling in love” (IT’S BETTER WHEN YOU’RE OLDER). Or honor your spouse and the child(ren) you’ve raise together with a long necklace made of three (or more) intertwined chains, hung with a pendant with these words by Robert Burton: “No cord nor cable can so forcibly draw, or hold so fast, as love can do with a twined thread” (LOVE).
BRING OUT YOUR ORIGINAL GUEST BOOK
Let guests read the words they wrote long ago, and present them with a new book for inscribing their new thoughts, perhaps with a quote on the cover that relates to the sentiments expressed long ago.
FAMILY PORTRAIT
If it’s a family-only affair, give a family portrait in a silver frame engraved with this quote fragment: “Family love is . . . this shared belonging to a chain of generations” (FAMILY AND HOME).
WORDS FROM THE AGES
Create a photo book with photos from your years together and use quotes, quips and poetry as captions or section headings. Have the book on a table for people to view and/or make copies for family and special friends.
