“It is through disappointment that I must learn to never accept defeat, but to always come up with a brand new plan and find a solution.” Eleesha
“How was your trip?” Kareena asked.
“I guess you can say things were good. The meeting with the trustees and Khalil was productive. They offered me a lot if I accept the position.”
“So, does that mean you’re going to accept it?” she asked as they talked over lunch at one of the restaurants close to Full of Grace.
“If I do, it will be because of my father.”
“Oh, that’s right. He had the appointment with the neurologist while you were there.”
“Yeah, I was glad Khalil adjusted our meeting when I told him I was coming to town for Pastor’s doctor’s appointment.”
“How did that go?”
“I’m worried about him. I saw firsthand what Josie’s talking about. His memory comes and goes and his temperament can go from mild mannered to being inpatient and on edge. Did I tell you he’s even called her by my mother’s name?”
“Oh, Stiles, I’m so sorry,” she said, reaching out across the table. “I will keep him, and your family, in my prayers. I’ve never had any experience around someone who has dementia. Thank God.”
“We don’t know for sure if it’s Alzheimer’s. The neurologist did a series of tests. He has to return next month, so I’ll be flying, maybe driving, back to Memphis for that. I can’t let Josie go through this alone.”
“That’s understandable.” They ate a few bites of their sandwiches before returning to address the elephant in the room.
“Look, it sounds like you’re leaning toward accepting Pastor Khalil’s offer.”
“Why do you say that?” Stiles looked up from his food and stared into Kareena’s eyes. He could sense that she was uneasy with the conversation, but she was right. He was seriously thinking about returning to Memphis. Like Khalil stressed, he wouldn’t have to give up his pastorship in Houston. He could very well effectively do both.
“I say that because what you just said. Your father and stepmother need you. It’s not like you’ll be giving up your position here. They’re going to pay you to travel back and forth, and you won’t be required to preach too often. Sounds like the perfect second gig,” she said, casting her eyes downward.
“I know, and you’re right. It all sounds perfect. And the money isn’t bad either. They’re offering me a nice package. But if everything is so perfect, why am I so hesitant about accepting?”
“Maybe because of the memories of Memphis, Holy Rock, and fear. You experienced a lot of heartache and pain back there. It’s understandable that you would be apprehensive. But if God is leading you to do this, then I think I know you well enough to know that you want to follow His will.”
His tight expression relaxed into a smile. “You think you know me, huh?”
“Yeah, I do,” was Kareena’s soft mannered response. Each time they talked about this, Kareena felt a separation was taking place. They were no longer intimate, hadn’t been for almost a year, but she still felt like this was the beginning of a break up. She could sense that his heart was being led back to Memphis. She didn’t know if he had met someone while he was there or if it was like he said, because of his father’s suspected illness. What she did know was that the distance between them was widening. It was time she took matters into her own hands if there was any hope of her salvaging the tiny cracks occurring in her heart.
“I have some exciting news,” she said.
“Cool, what is it?” Stiles took another bite of his sandwich.
“River proposed.”
Stiles coughed—his face turned into a mask of frustration.
She watched as a frown set into his features, followed by a bleak, tight-lipped smile. “When did this happen?”
“Actually, the night after you left.”
“Yeah? I was only gone a few days. Wow, I don’t know what to say. I mean, what did you say? Did you accept?”
“I did, but...”
“But what?”
Kareena couldn’t hold back her feelings any longer. It was now or never. Before she gave her all to River, before she walked down the aisle, she had to know if there was any chance for her and Stiles to have a life together. She told herself after River proposed, she and Stiles should have talked things out, but she didn’t want to ruin the relationship they already had. She admitted to herself that she was deeply in love with him, but she didn’t believe he felt the same way. Today, no matter how painful it might be, she had to know how he felt.
“I love you.” There, she’d said it.
The sound of silence sifted through the air as he contemplated the direction he should take. He did love her, maybe was even in love with her, but would knowing that be enough for him? It ranked low on the priorities ladder.
“Don’t feel forced to say it back, Stiles. You’ve made it clear many times. I know there can be no future for us, sooo why would I think anything different now? I only told you that I’m in love with you because I wanted to hear myself admit it openly. Now I can move on with living the rest of my life.”
He nodded, choosing to let silence do all the talking.
“I was in love with you, but that’s not news to your ears. I slept with you, remember?”
“Have you slept with River?”
“I beg your pardon?”
“I said…have you slept with River?”
“What business is that of yours?”
“Just answer me, Kareena. Have you slept with the guy or not? It’s a simple question that requires a yes or no answer?”
“How dare you try to turn this around and make this my fault.” Her mouth dipped into a deep frown and a cold, congested expression settled over her face.
“I don’t want to upset you, Kareena. Like I said, I care deeply for you. I told you from the jump I wasn’t ready for a serious relationship. I thought you understood that. So, I definitely understand that you have to do what you feel is best for you. If you’re happy, then I’m ecstatic.” His tone was indifferent, almost cold.
Inside, he felt bad as he watched Kareena fall apart from across the table. The last thing he ever wanted to do was hurt her, but he had no room to be in love. Not with all he had been through over the years. He resigned to believing that love for him was out of the question. He had needs too, sexual needs, and he tried to convince Kareena in the past that what they shared had been purely physical. He thought she understood. It hurt him to see how he had hurt her. He never wanted this to happen. He wanted the best for her, wanted her to be happy, to fall in love. But hearing her tell him that River proposed stung like a thousand bees on his heart. He had to convince her, even if it might hurt, that it was okay for her to marry River Garrett. River was one of the good guys. He could understand how quickly and easily he fell in love with Kareena, because she was easy to love.
“Yes, you’re right, but I hoped, and prayed, you would let yourself fall in love again, but not just with any one, with me. I wanted to prove to you so badly that I would never hurt you.” She gulped hard, hot tears sliding down her cheeks.
“Kareena, I’m sorry. Please don’t cry. Believe me when I say, I’m sorry.”
She tore away from the table and ran out of the restaurant.
Stiles was beyond sorry for what he allowed to happen. She was right. He knew all along Kareena was in love with him, but he still gave her false hope, something that he felt terrible about.
He left more than enough money on the table to cover the check and tip, told their server that he’d done so, and then hurried outside to find Kareena. He saw her standing at his car and he ran over to her. He tried to console her by grabbing her in an embrace, but she shoved him away.
“Just take me back to the church.”
“Kareena, please. I’m sorry.”
“You know what? It’s not you. All this is my fault,” she cried. “I should have listened to what you told me all along, but I prayed I could change your feelings. I hoped and prayed you would let me in. But you didn’t and I have no one to blame but myself. Now, please, open the door and let me in the car.”
Stiles did as she requested. Kareena got inside the car. Stiles closed the door and went to the driver’s side. He got inside his car, turned the ignition, and in silence drove back to Full of Grace.
He had the answer to his prayer. He would accept Khalil’s offer. It would give him some space, albeit, not total space, but space nonetheless, to gather himself and keep moving forward with his life. It would force Kareena to live her life and be with a man who Stiles believed deeply loved Kareena. From what he’d seen and heard of River Garret, he was the kind of man that would treat her the way she deserved to be treated, who would love her completely and unconditionally. Kareena deserved that and Stiles was not the man who was willing to give up his heart to do it.