THE NEXT few weeks passed drearily. Tom and I, Ann and Nick all spent several evenings together, Tom and Nick talking Men’s Talk while Ann whispered to me or listened dumbly. When I say Men’s Talk, I don’t mean that they talked about cars and the stock market. They talked, in fact, about quite ordinary things, except for photography, where I got lost. It was just that they talked to each other and not to us. When they did talk to us, and hell, I didn’t like being ‘us’ with Ann, it was a dreadful sort of ‘banter’ conversation, Nick holding Ann’s hand and making dirty suggestions to her, while Tom, in an effort to keep up with Nick, would heave his arm round me and say: ‘Still, me bird’s superer than yours.’

Poor Tom. After a few evenings like this, he said to me as we were driving home, ‘If I see that girl one more time, I shall go mad. Can’t think what Nick sees in her. I’m sorry. I know she’s a friend of yours, but I really can’t see why. I’ve tried, really, but apart from a certain childish sexiness she leaves me cold. She’s not even pretty, let alone remotely intelligent. Why doesn’t Nick take you out? That would have some sense. He’s intelligent. He wants a bright girl like you, someone he can talk to.’

‘Thanks.’ I gave a girlish smile. Bitterly I asked myself the same question.

‘Maybe I haven’t got that childish sexiness,’ I said.

‘You’ll do. Fancy you meself sometimes …’ Tom was obviously in a generous mood.

‘Really,’ he added seriously. I felt embarrassed, and was relieved to find we were nearing home. As I got out of the car, Tom pulled me back. Here goes, I thought, preparing myself for some sort of Good Friends speech, but instead he said: ‘I’ll ring you. But I’m not going to keep up this foursome. I’m sorry, but there it is.’

‘That’s all right. I absolutely agree. I’ve hated this foursome set up all the time and Ann gets on my nerves far more than yours. You can at least talk to Nick.’

From then on it was Tom and I against Ann and Nick. Whenever we met accidentally in a pub, Tom nudged me at every remark that Ann made, Ann whispered to me loudly and Nick raised his eyebrows at both Tom and me saying, ‘Come and have supper with us,’ rather desperately.

We neither of us knew what was going on until Tom told me that he’d seen Nick and he had said that he was only going out with Ann because he wanted to sleep with her and he’d never slept with a virgin in his life.

‘Ah,’ I replied, not really caring one way or the other.

*

It was quite soon after the last time we had seen them together that Ann rang me up. I could hear that she was red in the face, and she asked me to come round at once.

I went round dutifully, because Ann alone was simple. It was Ann when one was trying to impress someone else that was difficult.

She opened the door to me and her eyes looked blotchy. Her hair was crisp with old lacquer and an unhinged false eyelash drooped down pathetically over one eye.

‘Hullo.’

‘Hullo.’

‘Let’s go out. I’m sick of being at home. Nick hasn’t rung for days.’

We went to the Brazil, and Ann looked round hastily to see if Nick was there. We sat down and Ann started on her long story of Nick. I was bored but somehow felt responsible for her. I think I liked her because she depended on me. I almost was a mother to her – she was so stupid and young and looked up to me as the knower of all people and doer of all things. Little did she know.

‘He was so sweet you see, and so clever. And well, I wasn’t in love with him, he’s a bit phoney’ (word picked up from me I thought tenderly) ‘but had this marvellous flat, and of course that wonderful Sprite, one just felt so good when one was out with him, and all my friends kept saying how marvellous he was. But he kept wanting to sleep with me, and I didn’t really know what to do, and he said it would be all right, but I wasn’t sure. Have you ever been to his flat? He has this fantastic Hi-Fi, and a tape recorder, AND one of those portable gramophones. I think he must have private means. I wish I were rich, I think money brings happiness sometimes, he bought me all these drinks, he was so generous …’

I looked round the room while she was talking. Damon was sitting at a table nearby and nodded casually when I smiled. It was a silly situation, everyone one up on everyone else, me one up an Ann, Damon one up on me, and no doubt Ann one up on Damon had she talked to him, because, not being bright enough to see how slick and O.K. he was, and putting his long hair down to ‘queer’, she would have prattled on confidently and stared over his shoulder at the cavalry twills who occasionally popped in to see ‘The Chelsea Set’.

‘… and he promised me he wasn’t doing anything, but you know I don’t know about it really.’ Ann fumbled for a cigarette and blushed. ‘You see he sort of got on top of me and I had almost nothing on and, oh dear, this is so embarrassing … I wish I knew. Do you think I did?’

‘Did what?’ I jerked out of my profound observations and felt guilty at not listening. ‘Sorry. I mean I see what you mean, but actually what?’

‘Well, you know, sleep with him?’

Hell, what a question! Although it was nice playing mum to her in one way, because one was revered and one’s advice was sought, when it came to whether she had actually you know whated with someone my neck went hot and I wanted her to stop, not only because it was embarrassing to talk about, but because I hated to see her so naïve and sad. Still, loyalty got the better of me and I croaked out: ‘What happened?’

Ann looked miserable. ‘He asked me back to his flat, and we had some coffee and watched television, and then we started on this sort of kissing thing, and quite suddenly he changed … JOHN!’

Ann’s eyes were on stalks, and she was waving desperately to someone behind me. I looked in the mirror behind her and saw a rugged character who looked straight from a ski-ing holiday, not that I had ever been on one, but I knew this was how people looked when they got back. There was a thump of feet, and John appeared in the flesh. All eyes were turned on him and I was horrified to see Damon wincing to himself in the corner. Tom and John … what friends he must think I have, I thought neurotically. John was wearing a sports jacket and cavalry twills, and tucked into his shirt was a Paisley scarf. He sat down with us and I noticed that his bottom stuck out, covered by the flap of his coat, which had two vents at the side.

‘Ann,’ he said heavily, sitting at our table. ‘Long time no see.’

He had one of those mouths that was too thick and too red, and his chin was blotchy and well-shaved. A whiff of after shave came wafting over in my direction, and it wasn’t Old Spice, the only one I like. I gave him a summing-up look, and then realised from my revealing mirror session that it must be coming out as the come-hither look, so changed it at once to a sudden growl.

‘Where have you been all my life?’ he said to me, ponderously playing Casanova.

‘Uhuh,’ I muttered feebly.

‘Your friend’s shy,’ he said to Ann.

‘Oh no. Sorry, this is Harriet, this is John,’ said Ann, her eyes big and misty at the sound of his voice.

‘Ah. Harriet. I’ve wanted to meet you. Ann thinks you’re marvellous.’

He was one for putting his big foot in it, obviously. Ann simpered.

‘It’s wonderful to see you, Ann. I was going to ring you up, but I went to Switzerland’ (I gave myself a smile in the mirror) ‘and have only just got back.’

‘Oh, I see. I didn’t know. You should have told me.’

‘Didn’t you get my letter?’

‘What letter? It must have got lost in the post.’

Here, I thought, back to my observations, is someone who thinks he is one up on me, and in fact I am one up on him. I loathed him.

‘What are you doing now … hey, WAITRESS!’ he yelled, waving his arms in the air. ‘Don’t want to let grass grow under their feet! Back to old Chelsea. It has its charms I must say, in spite of its disadvantages.’

It was funny how everyone seemed to want to cash in on this Chelsea scene.

‘Don’t you think?’ He turned to me.

‘Mmm. Disadvantages mainly,’ I said, playing the sneering gets you everywhere line which can be played with stupid people very easily.

‘What charms?’ I curled my lip and pushed away my coffee making a face.

‘“Chelsea hath charms … to soothe the savage breast” … I must stop quoting. Charms? Beautiful women. Look at you and Ann.’

‘Hardly call us women.’

‘Ann maybe not,’ he said, thinking he was being shrewd and perceptive. ‘You, well, I don’t know you well enough, do I? Haha. Haha. I think you’re a woman though.’

The last thing I wanted to be was a Woman. It implied Maturity and Self-Knowledge in the nastiest sense of the word.

‘There’s a wonderful atmosphere about Chelsea,’ he continued. ‘I feel at home here I suppose. All my friends and the old easy life.’

It was funny how he talked without saying anything, I thought. And yet I suppose I talked like that sometimes, justifying it by listening to myself sneering at myself, knowing that underneath I was not thinking like that. But perhaps he was doing the same, and just then he was thinking cleverly to himself, ‘Christ, what a pair of nitwits! This calls for the smallest talk I’ve got.’

And yet he couldn’t really, because I didn’t look like a nitwit … or did I? I puffed confidently on my cigarette and gave a clever look.

He leant forward, the leather patches on his elbows squeaking on the Formica tabletop. ‘Don’t you know what I mean?’

I decided to put across a girl of the world act.

I picked an old Anadin from my bag and swallowed it ostentatiously.

‘That’s better.’ I pulled my hand across my forehead. ‘I find it gets dull, I am bound to admit.’ I sighed. ‘I doubt if you could ever find Chelsea really like home … unless you like getting high in dirty attics and fixing secretly in the lavatory.’

Ann stirred her coffee and looked proud of me. I could feel her thinking, ‘Look what with-it friends I have.’

‘Man,’ I added gratuitously and snapped my fingers dully.

‘Oh? Really? This is a side of Chelsea I know little about, I must say. Except from the gutter press! What do you do, actually? It interests me. Where do you get marijuana from anyway? I can never get hold of any. These days,’ he added hurriedly.

‘What? Get hold of … ?’ I feigned non-comprehension. ‘Oh, sorry. You mean charge. Ah, yes. Charge!’ I laughed contemptuously. ‘You wait till you want something stronger.’ I rubbed the inside of my elbow and winced. ‘You wait till you’re standing with the rest of the devils outside Boots on a Saturday night. Charms! You wait!’

He stared, not knowing whether to believe me or not. I wondered if I had overplayed it. It was unfair of me, and I felt rather mean. Why should I play this game with him, when if he had played it with me, I would have been equally gullible? But it had gone too far. He believed me. He looked worried.

‘What about your parents?’

‘Parents!’ It was so easy to play the sneering game with him. He looked crushed.

‘I’ve got some pills though, if you want one.’ I groped in my bag for another Anadin and messed it around in the bottom of my bag to make it look old and casual. He took it in his thick fingers and put it in his pocket.

‘Hey, take it here …’ I said. ‘I don’t want you to be found with that on you. It would be most unwise.’

‘Oh, it’s safe with me. Don’t worry. I’ve got a way with the police.’

‘Fuzz,’ corrected Ann, unconsciously. John fumbled with it to put it in his pocket and it fell to the floor. Damon looked up at the familiar sound of clattering pills.

I pulled at John’s sleeve. ‘Hey, I mean it. Take it here or I want it back. I don’t like those things wandering round without my knowing where they are. It won’t do you any harm, honestly. Just gives you a bit of a buzz.’

‘Buzz? Oh, sorry. Oh, well all right. I’m always game for something new. Here goes.’ He nervously looked around and swallowed it with his coffee.

Damon beckoned me over.

‘What are you doing, giving that poor little man an Anadin?’

Typical that Damon’s eyes could see what a pill was even five yards away.

‘He’s got a headache.’

Damon laughed and went back to reading the latest copy of Mirabelle.

John looked rather white when I got back, but was going on about Switzerland to Ann. Ann looked dreamy-eyed and didn’t notice Nick when he came in. On seeing Ann, he mouthed ‘HELP’ to me, and pulled his jacket over his face.

I went up to him and sat down beside him.

‘What do you want to bring her in here for?’ he whispered. ‘Oh, God, what a night!’

‘You behaved horribly to her, she’s all cut up. You really are nasty,’ I said coyly, adjusting my slick Jules et Jim hat over my eyes.

‘She feels cut up! What do you think I feel? I plug her with gins and she won’t even be raped! Some people. They don’t know when they’ve got the chance of a lifetime.’

Damon drifted over. ‘Got any bread?’ he muttered to Nick.

‘Have you?’

‘Sure. I just don’t want to spend it, that’s all.’ He drifted out, patting John on the head saying, ‘Watch that pill, little man.’

As Nick was obviously not in a talking mood, flicking the pages of Movie over aimlessly, I joined John and Ann, who were arm in arm ready to leave.

John stared at me in awe.

‘Christ what was that pill? Talk about fuzz! I mean buzz, sorry. My heart’s racing. It’s marvellous. Let me pay for your coffee.’

But suddenly conscience-stricken, I refused and insisted on paying for him and Ann and made my exit as fast as possible.