Aargh, my dumbass little cuz, I don’t want you telling me you’ve received this letter, or that you’re reading it, because if it’s reached you that means I’m fucked already. I hope this letter never gets to you, seriously, but if it has to get to you I hope it does, because things can’t go on the way they are, seriously, how do you expect me to stay so calm if these assholes fuck me over?, no way, if those assholes fuck me over I’m going to fuck them back.
I don’t think this letter’s ever going to get to you, I’m sure of it, but still I’ve got to write it, because if it does get to you then you got to help me, asshole. But don’t tell me this fucking letter did get to you, little cuz. Even just imagining it’s gotten to you gives me a real fucking downer, for real, but you’ll see it’s never going to get to you and I’m wasting my time writing it like a dick.
It really hasn’t got to you, right?
Really not, right, little cuz?
It hasn’t got to you, I’m sure it hasn’t, and it’s not going to, you just see it won’t, do me a favor and be an optimist for one damn time in your life, don’t come to me now with your fucking negative attitude, let’s be together on this one, let’s agree that it’ll never get to you, cause if the letter gets to you it means your cousin’s dead. That’s right, man, DEAD, for real, so it’d be for the best if you don’t get to read this letter EVER.
We got to make a deal, the two of us, my dumbass little cuz, you got to promise me. I promise to write the letter even though I know really there’s no need to write it, and you promise that if you receive it you’ll help me, promise me, my dumbass little cuz, I’ve done a fuckton of favors for you and now’s the moment for you to pay me back, asshole.
And if this letter is never going to get to you, then oh man, why am I writing it?, don’t go thinking your cousin’s a dickhead who hasn’t got anything more important to do than write you some fucking letter you’re never gonna read. If I write it it’s only because your cousin’s real farsighted, your cousin has learned in business to consider all the variables, to analyze all the possible scenarios, there can even be some projects that turn out bad, but not because your cousin’s a fucking pessimist like you, your cousin’s got his feet firmly on the ground and he knows that the tough blows we receive in real life are serious shit, little cuz, and if things go to shit your cousin can’t allow things just to go on the way they are, no, your cousin wants REVENGE. We’re in this together, cousin, I told you already in the other letter, that other letter I sent you at the university did get to you, right?, if it did get to you and you haven’t told me then call me right-a-fucking-way, right this minute, come on, asshole, what are you waiting for? We’re in it together, the whole thing, little cuz, good times and bad, but if this letter’s got to you don’t go being such an ungrateful little shit that you make yourself be a dick just because I’m dead and you think I’m not going to realize you ignored me, you owe me, asshole.
That’s why you got to help me now.
You can’t let me down.
But here’s hoping this letter never gets to you, little cuz, I swear just imagining you reading the letter on some terrace next to the Sagrada Familia brings tears to my eyes. And don’t say I’m exaggerating, asshole, how could I not cry if I’m dead and you’re living it up eating patatas bravas and drinking a beer as you read my letter?
See that thing up there? That little damp stain? Know what that is?
It’s a fucking teardrop, asshole! A motherfucking tear from your cousin who’s dead and you living it up in Barcelona knocking back a vermouth with olives! So the least you can do now is help me, or are you going to back out now?, have some respect for the dead, asshole, you owe me that, don’t think just because I’m dead I’m not gonna find out, I can assure you I’ll find out, little cuz, even if I’m a fucking ghost.
You got to help me, little cuz, you can’t imagine what it’s like being dead, for real, I just can’t believe I’m dead, no word of a lie. And if I’m dead then the least I want is REVENGE, things can’t just stay the way they are, how do you expect me to stay so calm if on top of fucking me over they’re taking advantage of my projects, it’s one thing for them to fuck you over and something completely else for them to take you for an idiot.
I didn’t want to write this letter, my dumbass little cuz, I didn’t want to do it, but if I’m writing it it’s not because I want to, I’m not such an asshole as to write a letter that’s my death certificate, if I’m writing it it’s because there’s a fucker who wants to fuck me over, and if the letter did reach you it’s because the utter fucker did fuck me over, for real, I can’t believe I’m dead, I can’t believe the total fucker did what he’d threatened and totally fucked me. At this point, if you’re reading this letter, you must already know who I’m talking about, yeah, the motherfucker lawyer, the son of a bitch we thought was our partner and who it now turns out fucked me. The asshole has got it in for me, little cuz, all because of a project that went badly, well, it didn’t go badly, what happened was the partners gave up hope and didn’t want to put any dough into it before we’d even got out of the start-up phase. How the fuck were we supposed to not lose any dough if they didn’t want to wait for the project to take off?
I just can’t believe I’m dead, little cuz. I can’t believe it, no word of a lie.
How’d it happen?
Did they run me over? Those sons of bitches are always making it look like they’ve run people over.
So they did run me over?
Aw, no shit, I just can’t believe I’m dead.
I wanted to be an optimist and that’s why I sent you that other letter where I talked about our partners and about the project in Barcelona. And if I didn’t explain to you in that letter how that fucker the lawyer wanted to fuck me over, it was because at that moment it was important for us to stay positive. My only chance not to get fucked was if the project worked out well and I wasn’t going to tell you about how things were going all to shit, since on top of every fucking thing you’re mega fucking prone to failure, my dumbass little cuz, you’re a super fucking serious pessimist. But even though things worked out badly I’m not going to have a chip on my shoulder, and I don’t hold a grudge against you, now I think about it they probably fucked me over because of you, probably you screwed it up and I was the one who ended up paying for it, little cuz. All the more reason you got to help me, dickhead, we can’t let things go on the way they are, I’ve trusted you and invested a lot in this project, I gave it the most important thing I had, little cuz, I gave it my life and now you got to help me.
The most important thing you got to understand, first things first, is that you’re not to be thinking about going to the police, listen closely, you’re not going to the police for any possible reason, the damn police are controlled by them, for real, what fucking world do you think you’re living in? If you go to the police you’re the one who’s going to end up in prison, dickhead, that’s if they don’t fuck you too, for real, cousin, oh don’t tell me you’ve gone to the police, don’t tell me they’ve fucked you too, last thing we need is for this letter to never get to you because they’ve fucked you too.
For real.
If they’ve fucked you too then there really is no point me continuing to write this letter, little cuz, so don’t go going to the police, OK?, pay attention to what I’m telling you if you want to live, the only way to survive is to put yourself on the same level as those sons of bitches, and that’s what I’m going to explain to you, how can you fuck them over by yourself, assuming that is they don’t fuck you, they haven’t fucked you yet, cousin, right?, tell me you really are reading this letter?
I don’t want them to fuck you, seriously, cousin, you got to believe me, I’ve done everything for your benefit, you don’t know how worried your folks were because you kept doing such total and utter crap, how were you going to get on in life if you were devoting yourself to investigating the influence of some dead asshole writer on the books of some other dead asshole writer. Nobody’s ever going to give you money for that, my dumbass little cuz, you got to react, the tough blows we receive in real life are the shit and it’s like you don’t want to know about how reality even exists, only some fucking dumb literature simulation. But me, I’m positive, little cuz, and I want to think they haven’t fucked you yet and you’re going to read this letter, you’re gonna read it and quick, you will, you’ll see, I’m sure of it, little cuz, you got to be positive too because this is about your own life, bro, or don’t you want to live? and you’re going to get REVENGE for your cousin and along the way you’ll get your cousin’s money back to give it to my folks and you’ll give five thousand pesos to the maid at our place who did me the solid of sending you the other letter and twenty thousand to the other guy who sent you this letter and promised he’d check out your address if anything happened to me, and that he wouldn’t say anything about this letter to anyone (I’m going to give you his details at the end, don’t go forgetting to pay him, I told him you were going to pay him twenty thousand pesos for sending the letter and if you don’t pay him he might tell Mom and Dad).
You got to see this is a chance to pay me back for everything you owe me, little cuz, I’ve always invited you onto my business projects even though you were an ungrateful little shit who wanted to boycott me, but I don’t hold a grudge, what I want is for you to return those favors now, but you got to do things the way I tell you, I’ve already said you can’t go to the police because they’ll fuck you over, listen to what I’m telling you for once in your life. Also, if you go to the police, my family will find out what happened and my folks won’t understand, they’re from a different generation, they don’t know that to get into projects on this level you got to take risks, that’s the only way to do business in this fucking country, you’re not to go going to the police, I’d rather have them think I’m an asshole who doesn’t know how to cross a road. Was it a truck? Those sons of bitches totally love flattening people with trucks, that way nobody can find out what they did to them before that.
What you got to do is get yourself onto the same level as them, those sons of bitches, and that’s what you’re going to do, I’ll tell you how you’re going to do it, pay attention, little cuz, the key to the whole thing is this fucker who goes by the name Chucky, if you’re reading this letter you must know who he is already. Chucky’s the key to everything, if you convince Chucky to help us that fucker the lawyer is going to get fucked so good, and I know how we’re going to do it, because I became friends with Chucky, and even though he’s a very bloodthirsty motherfucker the motherfucker is a good thing, don’t think just because these people are killers they haven’t got a heart. And fucking Chucky’s already had it with the lawyer because the lawyer’s totally a dick, he can’t take him anymore, and he’s even been thinking about going it alone or about fucking him over to take his place, about being the guy in charge of the projects, he’s a serious motherfucker, that Chucky, real well prepared, and yeah so maybe you see him carrying, doing whatever the fuck he does, but you wouldn’t have guessed he did an MBA in the US, I swear, little cuz, he got honorable mention for his study of the flows of international capital, he designed this whole fucking system for not paying taxes that now all the damn investors are using, you see, asshole, just so you see how tough blows can be in real life. Fucking Chucky should be the one in charge of the projects and not the lawyer, fucking Chucky is a real leader, he was in the Boy Scouts his whole fucking life, he’s a black belt in limalama karate and he was even president of the Student Society at the Ibero, when he was studying administration and finance, and all the asshole lawyer’s got is one good contact, a real shit-awesome contact, I’m not saying he doesn’t, but the asshole’s lived off this contact his whole life like a parasite, this contact’s the only reason he’s climbed up and everything he’s done is because this contact’s put him there and is protecting him.
When I met him, the lawyer was the fucking manager of a fleapit in Cancún, apparently five stars, but, no word of a lie, Cancún’s got much more awesome hotels than that one. And the fucking lawyer would have stayed there sending towels off to the laundry and supervising the mayo consumption in the hotel kitchen if it wasn’t for that fucking contact, he was the son of a bitch who paid for him to go do a master’s in Barcelona and then when he came back he set him to run a few of his projects. And if I’m not telling you who this dumbass contact is, little cuz, it’s for your own safety, to protect you, so you can see I really am positive and I believe you’re alive reading this letter, if I wrote you the name of the lawyer’s contact, of the big cheese, not just you and me would be fucked, even the fucking mailmen would be for it just for having touched this letter. All you need to know is that the big cheese isn’t an asshole, how could he be an asshole if he’s the big cheese?, for real, and the big cheese is already realizing the lawyer’s a 360-degree motherfucker and that Chucky’s better prepared to be running his projects.
So what you need to do, when the lawyer and Chucky move into Barcelona for the start-up phase of the project, is start getting close to Chucky, gain his trust and make him see he can trust you in his plan to fuck the lawyer. You won’t find it too hard, the asshole’s already had this in his head for a long time and we always talked about it, about how he should be the one to notify the big cheese that the lawyer’s a motherfucker, but if you’re reading this letter that means something went wrong, that the lawyer’s gotten ahead of us or some other thing happened (probably you were the one who screwed it up, fucking dumbass), but you can rest assured Chucky didn’t betray me, Chucky and I became real good pals, soul brothers. So you got to help Chucky, so you got to help me, we can’t let things go on the way they are, you owe me, my dumbass little cuz, you owe me because that’s why we’re family and I’ve always done you a ton of favors and stood up for you.
You can’t let me down, little cuz.
You can’t let me down, pal.
You got to commit to me even if it’s just this one time in your life, now that I’m dead.