| |
SARAH LAID QUIETLY on his grave and thought back to Simone who she had seen only a few hours before returning to the ranch, and to her parents. She hadn’t been home in twelve years, and she had barely spoken to her parents or her siblings. She had missed out on too many Easter gatherings, and far too many Christmas celebrations with her family.
She had skipped out on birthdays and she had shrugged off anniversaries as inconsequential milestones. It was never her intention to miss out on the holidays they treasured so dearly, or the moments she once cherished more than anything else in the world with her family, or with Daniel.
It was not for one moment her objective to be absent from these events, and it was never her goal to disregard the significance of these get-togethers, she just could never find the time to come home, even for only a weekend. She would exchange regular emails with her parents, while Sarah would catch up on news of her siblings through Cindy.
She would receive texts from her siblings on occasion, but she very rarely responded. She was always caught up in something more important, and would make a mental note to reply shortly, but she never did.
She would pre-program birthday or Christmas messages an entire year in advance, but she would never make the actual phone call to any of them. She had become totally engrossed in her jet-set lifestyle, so much so that she had failed to stop even for a moment, and reach out to her family.
Each year, she would swear to just another year, just one more year before she would return home to Hazel Creek. But as each year passed her by, a new, exciting opportunity would present itself, or a new project would come her way, one she could not disregard or say no to.
She travelled extensively, only it was never in the direction of Hazel Creek, or the man she had left behind. She repeatedly promised Daniel that she was obligated to complete one more project, one last task and commitment, before she was ready to return home to him.
When enough years had passed by, her parents no longer invited her home, and Daniel no longer asked her to come home to their village, and to him.
Her siblings stopped mailing photographs, and Cindy stopped making excuses for her absence or behavior. They had reluctantly accepted a reality where Sarah would not be home soon. Her priorities had changed.
Her self-importance had exploded, and her light was shining so brightly, it entirely blinded her. She was so caught up and engrossed in her success, that she no longer knew what it was that mattered to her. Her name was on most of the bestseller lists out there, and she loved the attention that came with her success.
Her picture was framed on the cover of magazines. Centre pages were persistently dedicated to her, and the interviews she loved giving out so freely, were featured in countless newspapers and online outlets. Sarah Swanson’s name had landed amongst the stars, and there was no place left in her life, for the family and the man she had once, loved so dearly.
When Sarah finally returned to Hazel Creek, it had been almost two years since she had spoken to Daniel for the very last time. While lying on his cold grave, she thought back to their last phone call, and the very last conversation she was to have with him.
The tears continued to roll inexorably from her eyes, when she realized that she should have instinctively known that something was horribly wide of the mark with Daniel. She should have asked him what it was, and she should have heard it in his voice. She should have kept him on the phone for just a moment longer. She should have climbed into her car, and make the trip out to Hazel Creek.
There were so many things she should have done, instead, she did her best to stop loving him that day. “Danny?” She smiled when she heard his familiar voice on the other end of the call, the day she checked in with him for the very last time.
“Sarah, hey?”
“How are you, Danny?”
“I’m good, you?”
“I’m good, busy, but good.”
“Yeah, you’re always busy. I know this is probably a stupid question, but, are you coming home soon?”
“I want to. I’m working on that. These signings and tours, you know?”
“Stop, Sarah! Just stop! You have had excuses from the moment you left. There is always something more important. There is always something else you must do first! Do you know how long it’s been since you’ve been home?” Daniel had silenced her with his agitation, and Sarah was suddenly deeply embarrassed by the authenticity and realization that she had failed to return to Hazel Creek in twelve years.
As she stood listening to him, she could have sworn that she had only left the other day. When she quickly worked it out in her head, Sarah was horrified to discover that it had been more than a decade ago since she had last seen her parents, brothers and sisters, but more importantly, Daniel.
She had asked Daniel to wait for her, yet, she had never made the effort to return home for one visit or one single holiday. “Sarah, I don’t expect your answers to be any different, so don’t say anything. But, I don’t want you to call me again. I can’t do this with you anymore. You’re always just another year away. You always just need one more year. You have one more quest and one more something to conquer. I’ve had to go on, Sarah, and I know you didn’t really expect me to wait all these years? That would be crazy. I am pretty sure that you have moved on with your life over there as well. I’ve had to find my happiness, and I’ve met someone who I want to spend the rest of my life with. I’ve fallen in love and, I don’t want you to call again, it’s not fair to any of us.”
Sarah swallowed back profusely on the tears that were threatening to silence her. She was sure that her heart had missed a beat when he told her that he had met someone else. As she stood holding the mobile phone in her hand, she quickly swabbed at the unanticipated tears that started plummeting down her cheeks.
“You’ve, you’ve met someone else?”
“I mean, Sarah? How long did you want me to wait? You check in once every two or three months. You never come home. You don’t come home for Christmas. You just have so many excuses. I get it, Sarah. You’ve made it, you’ve found your wonderful. It’s just, it’s just not with me, or here in Hazel Creek, and I am okay with that. You’ve followed your dreams, you are someone! That’s all you ever wanted, but now, Sè, you have to let me have my dreams too.”
“Danny, this life, it’s hard. There’s never been anyone else, Danny. It’s always been you. It will always be you. I want to come home, it’s just ...”
“It will never be enough, Sarah, I get that. Your accomplishments will never be enough for you. But I, I must go on. I’ve opened my own firm; do you even know that?”
“No, I didn’t know that?”
“Yeah, I didn’t think so. Sarah, I am so happy for you. I am glad that you are living your dream. But, you are missing out on so much. Your parents miss you. Your brothers and sisters miss you. Michael and Melissa are growing up, and you’ve never even met them? I don’t get that? Family was once everything to you?”
She swallowed back, unsure of what to say next. “I just can’t now, Danny, I can’t. Not now ...” What she couldn’t tell him was that she had been gone for so long, she no longer knew how to come home. She had missed out on so much, she no longer knew how to take back the life she had become a stranger to.
“Yeah, anyway Sarah. I must run. There’s no reasoning with you. Please don’t call me again. It’s not that I don’t want to hear from you, it’s just not fair. It’s not fair to the woman I plan on spending my life with. So, good luck. I hope you find whatever it is you’re still looking for.”
He ended the call before Sarah could respond. She placed the phone down on her desk, and stared blankly at the computer screen in front of her. It was the cover of her twenty eighth book staring back at her, and for a moment, she again questioned whether it was all worth it in the end.
She had accomplished all she had ever dreamed of, yet it never seemed to be enough. There was something inside of her that kept pushing her to test her boundaries and climb higher. She could not quite put her finger on what it was that was so fiercely nudging her, but she was powerless to silence the thunder that was raging underneath her feet all those years ago.
She gazed over at a photograph that Cindy had sent her only weeks before. It was a photograph of the entire Swanson clan, her parents, her brothers and sisters, their husbands and wives, and their children. They were all there, except for Sarah.
Her family back home had grown and changed, yet, her nieces and nephews have never met their aunt. The family she swore to stay close to had turned into strangers right before her eyes.
She lowered her head in shame, and was at once disgusted by the fact that she had failed to appreciate the magnitude of family. She had not once considered that they might have stopped missing her, as they grew ardently accustomed to her endless excuses. Sarah burst into tears and covered her face with her hands. She had grown selfish and egotistical. She had become self-absorbed and difficult to love. She was estranged from the only family she will ever have, and the only man she would ever love.
Sarah had lived a lonely life for the past twelve years, while pressing herself to publish one book after another, outperforming all the goals she initially set for herself. She had barely slept through a night in years, and she could hardly remember when it was that she last heard her mother’s voice.
She was at once angry at herself, and disappointed that so much time had passed. Sarah instantly and unsympathetically berated herself for allowing the increasing distance to come between them.
A thousand miles away from her, Daniel tossed the mobile phone onto his bed, and fell to his knees as he grabbed his head and tugged at his hair with both his hands. He loved Sarah, and even though he had lied to her, he had reluctantly kept his promise to wait for her. Yet, he could never tell her that he had never stopped loving her, and that he would wait for her, for an entire lifetime if he had to.
What he couldn’t tell her was that he did wait an entire existence, but that his time had begun to run out. He sat down in front of his laptop, and half-heartedly, he typed out an email to her.
He told her that their thoughts and memories of one another were trapped, and forever lost in their once childhood dreams. He said that the years in between had stolen their promises and distorted the way his heart once sought hers out. He just couldn’t wait anymore, he stopped dreaming of her a few years back.
He said that he had found someone new, and he hoarsely whispered that she was so much more like him. His heart had simply forgotten hers, but it was not entirely her fault. He said that perhaps too much time had passed, and too much distance had turned them into strangers to one another.
He reminded her of their foolish promises on a playground that no longer appealed to him, and that he could barely remember what they once swore to each other. He told her that they were merely the dreams of two innocent, foolish, starry-eyed, unwise and stupid children whose journeys had taken them away from one another, as was always an inevitable part of the universe’s divine plan.
He again, asked her not to call him, and he begged her to forget their so-called childlike love, and carry on as though he never was, and they never were. He said that she should continue to see the world and run after her dreams, without him.
She should go in search of a love that would have to love her more than she could ever love him. He wanted her to settle in the little blue house a little way out of town, just as she had dreamed of as a child, where she could sit by a window, and dream of naming her babies, when she had grown tired of the city lights and bustling city streets.
He told her to forget him, just as he had forgotten her a long time ago. He sat staring at the letter he wrote, and wavered for only a single moment. He closed his eyes, and reminded himself that he had no other choice, but to lie to her one more time. He wanted her to forget. He could not bear the thought of her knowing the truth.
Yet, what he should have told her was, that the breaths he was taking in this world was fast running out, and that his new breaths would soon begin in a whole other world. One he didn’t quite understand, and one he feared almost as much as losing her. He should have said that he could not stand to have her see him like that, and that he had never wanted to utter unkind words to her, or break his promise, or her heart.
Even if he had whispered it, he should have told her that his days were being counted, while hers would carry on long after he left. He never told her of his long fight, or how hard and bravely he fought just to be right there for her when she finally returned home to him. What he should have told her was that he had waited for her, and how ironically it had turned out that he had waited for her for his entire life.
He never meant to say goodbye with what seemed to be with no feeling at all, he never meant to betray the promises he clearly could remember, and once swore to her. He just could not give her a better reason for living his lie.
He didn’t want to tell her about how he was painfully living their memories of so long ago, while he waited for the day his eyes would close one last time. He never wanted her to know what he already knew, that his fight was for nothing and that he was tired.
He was exhausted, and he was in pain. Even though he was never any good at playing it tough, it was their beautiful moments that he found his courage in.
What he should have told her was that while he was living in his own little world, one she would never know of, she would forever be the one that his heart would recognize.
What he should have told her was that she should listen more closely and hear what he isn’t saying, as he tells her how he no longer loves her, and that he perhaps, never did.
That when the rain begins to fall, it was her he would stop to remember for a moment longer than he should. He should have told her how he wears his pain like a heavy coat around him, and that it is her face he sees, her smile he finds, and her eyes he searches for in everyone else.
What he should have told her was that he was about to die too young, and that death was about to steal all the remaining pages from their chapter, in a book that began almost a lifetime ago.
What he should have told her was that their story was really only about to begin, and that he would love her from the other side of the stars, especially when he hears her laughing in the rain, or as she has her arms around another, or while she cradles her child in her arms.
What he should have told her was that even though she had pledged her heart to him a long time ago, she would be alright without him, because he would watch her, hold her, love her and miss her, from the other side.
IT WAS MONTHS AFTER her last phone call to Daniel, that she took the painting that she had begged the artist to paint for her on that busy city street, almost eleven months ago. She had placed it against the wall of her one bed-roomed apartment and gazed into the eyes that were searching hers. She sat on the floor and stared sorrowfully into the painting that brought her to her knees only moments before.
It had become dark, and as she wrapped her shawl around her, she stared at the man looking back at her. Her heart was not ready to let him go, and as though a jolt had entered her entire being, Sarah realized that her life in Queenstown suddenly meant nothing at all.
He was her story, and he was where her home would be. He was what she had dreamed of for most of her life, and Daniel was the only dream her heart had hunted and sought out.
When the sun peered through her bedroom window, Sarah realized that she had spent the entire night clinging to her love story, the only story that would ever matter to her, or make sense to her heart. It was time to go home.
It was time to leave the city lights behind her, and go home to the village she had left her heart in. It was time to turn her back on the dreams the city once promised it had in store for her, and go home to the little town that had given her all she ever needed. Yet, Sarah was deathly afraid and no longer knew how to return to a life she had left behind so many years before. She was terrified of what she might find, and she was horrified by the mere thought that Daniel might never love her again.
She packed her bags as fast as she could, and with trembling hands, she followed the sunrise back to Hazel Creek.
WHEN SARAH ENTERED the hair salon shortly after her phone call to Simone, she giggled softly when she noticed Simone fussing over one of her client’s hair, but was at once elated to see her old friend again.
“Sim!” She shouted out before Simone swiftly turned around.
“Sarah, you’re here? You actually are here!” Simone excitedly ran up to her and threw her arms around Sarah. Sarah smiled and held Simone snugly against her. “Go back there ...” Simone pointed to a door while holding a scissors and brush in her hand. “It’s my office, wait there for me. I am almost done with Mrs. Radcliffe ...”
Sarah clutched her bag firmly against her, and hurriedly made her way into Simone’s office. She sat down on the sofa and glanced around her. Simone’s walls were cluttered with photographs of women sporting hairstyles Sarah never thought were possible, or were even worn.
She smiled sadly when she noticed all her framed certificates, and for a moment, she wondered how they had all grown up almost overnight. Again, Sarah could barely fathom how it was possible that so much time had passed. Simone strolled into her office almost ten minutes later, and found an empty seat next to Sarah. “I am so glad you’re home, have you seen your parents yet?”
“No, I wanted to stop off here first. Maybe you could sort of prepare me, you know? I don’t know much about much, you know? What do I need to know?”
Simone burst out laughing before she gave Sarah a quick rundown of her parents, brothers and sisters. They laughed out loud when Simone warned her of Claire’s nose that was constantly stuck in the air, and how loud and unruly Melissa and Michael were.
“And you, Sim, how are you?”
“I am great, Sarah. As you can see, I have this fabulous place. I love it. I love the people and I adore my clients. Living the dream!” “Anyone special?”
“Well, maybe? We’ve been dating on and off for a year. He works for your dad, actually ...”
“Will I get to meet him?”
“Yeah, I mean, you are going home right?”
Sarah sighed before she lowered her head. “Yeah ...”
“How long are you here for, Sarah?” “I was thinking of coming home, for good. I mean, it’s become pretty lonely on those crowded streets. I can write here. I can get a place in town, I just, I want to come home.”
“Yeah, you should come home, you’ve been gone for far too long.”
“I know, Simmy, but I swear, that was never the plan. It was never my intention to lose myself like that.”
Sarah took Simone’s hands into hers and gently squeezed them. “How is Danny?”
Simone at once freed her hands from Sarah’s, and hurriedly got up. She stood staring at the photographs on her wall, unsure of what to say next. Sarah frowned at Simone’s unexpected behavior.
“Sim?”
Simone shook her head, and without turning around, she began whispering hoarsely. “You really don’t know? No-one ever told you? I mean, you honestly don’t know?”
Sarah got up, and made her way over to Simone. She placed her hand on her shoulder, her heart stammering at an alarming rate in her chest. “Tell me what, Sim? What don’t I know?”
She felt fear consume her entire body, as her hands began to gently shudder. Simone turned around to face her, and took Sarah’s hands into hers, before she gently squeezed them. “He’s gone, Sarah ...”
Sarah frowned, and when she noticed the tears sparkle in Simone’s eyes, she felt an untaught fear and dread entirely engulf her. “Where did he go?”
Simone lowered her head before she desperately wiped away the tears that had begun to roll carelessly down her cheeks.
“Where did he go, Sim?” She was almost shouting when she discovered the unexpected devastation on Simone’s face.
“He, he, he died, Sè.”
Sarah felt her legs grow weak underneath her as she stared at Simone in utter horror and total disbelief. She turned around, and hurriedly made her way back to the sofa in the corner of the room, her heart pounding as though it was about to climb out of her chest. She had barely reached the sofa when her legs gave in underneath her. She held onto to the couch, and stared out in front of her with overwhelming incredulity. Simone hurriedly made her way over to Sarah, and helped her back onto the couch.
“He didn’t want you to know. He made us all swear, Sarah. It was his dying wish. He made us all swear when got sick that, that we never tell you. He didn’t want you to see him like that?” She gazed up into Simone’s eyes, while her own tears were threatening to trickle from hers.
“He was sick?”
“Yeah, he picked up a virus apparently when he was younger. I’m not sure exactly, maybe you should go and see Margie. Or Anabel? I don’t really know the details, Sè?”
Sarah lowered her head before she burst into tears. Simone placed her arms around her, and held her firmly against her. It was for nothing. All she had ever hoped of becoming was for nothing. Her relentless search for her wonderful, no longer meant anything at all. Nothing she did, and nothing she dreamed of, had any meaning all of a sudden.
Through her tears, she stared questioningly at Simone, who was holding onto her. “When?”
“About a year ago, please go and see Margie. Her store is just around the corner from here. You can’t miss it. It has a Margaret Kingsley Event Planning sign right in front of it. You should go speak to her. They can tell you more.”
“How could you not tell me, Sim?”
Simone lowered her head, and gently shook it. “I thought, I thought your parents would. I honestly didn’t know that you didn’t know?”
“I need to know what happened?”
“Sarah, please go and see Margie. I don’t, I just don’t want to say anything until you’ve seen your parents, or his family.”
Sarah got up, and vigorously wiped the tears from her eyes. She felt the blood drain from her face, her heart hammering ruthlessly in her chest.
She smiled at Simone, and without uttering another word, she walked out of the salon. When she turned the corner of the road Margie’s store was on, she at once caught a glimpse of the sign that was proudly displayed in front of Margie’s store.
Sarah had barely composed herself before she walked in, desperate to control all the emotions that were wreaking havoc on her mind. When she opened the door, she at once recognized Margie who had begun displaying miniature wedding cakes that had more than likely, arrived only moments earlier.
She stood motionlessly for a moment, as she scrutinized the expressions on Margie’s face. She was desperate to see something in her eyes, that would tell her that Daniel had not left, and that Simone had in fact, been mistaken.
As she watched her go about displaying her cakes, Sarah was convinced that she did not appear as a woman who had lost her brother almost a year ago. For an instant, Sarah was sure that the world would stop turning if Daniel was no longer a part of it, or at the very least, the earth would be slight moved off its axis.
There was no indication of either, and there was certainly nothing at all about Margie’s disposition, that could confirm the cruel and heartless words Simone had uttered to her only moments before. “Can I help you?” Margie turned around and smiled at the stranger that had walked into her store.
It was painfully clear to Sarah that she did not recognize her, and that there was not so much as a hint of detection in her eyes. Sarah walked up to her, painfully aware of the fact that her eyes were red and swollen. “It’s me, Margie, Sarah ...”
Margaret frowned before her smile made way for an indignant expression on her face. She hurriedly turned around, anxious to avoid eye contact with Sarah, and uneasily continued to display the miniature cakes in the display cabinet. “What do you want?”
“I, I heard about Daniel, is it true?” She whispered hoarsely through the tears that were once again threatening to silence her.
Margie turned around to face her, and let out an enormous sigh before she lowered her head. When she looked up at Sarah again, Sarah knew by the look in Margie’s eyes, that it was true.
“Go speak to my mom. She’s at home.”
“Everyone is telling me to speak to someone else, please Margie, just tell me!”
“You can’t walk in here after all these years and expect us to just jump when you snap your fingers! Where have you been? Where were you when Daniel became ill? Where were you when he let out his final breath? No, Sarah, you don’t get to do that!”
Sarah burst out crying and shuddered violently before she bowed her head in unreserved devastation and downright shame. The tears were unforgivingly streaming down her cheeks, and no matter how frantic she was to wipe them away, there seemed to be a never-ending supply.
It felt to her as though her heart had shattered into a million pieces. Her stomach turned with each quiver that went down her spine, each time she replayed Margie’s words. “Go see my mom. I can’t do this with you. You broke my brother’s heart!”
“I didn’t know, Margie, he never told me?” She whispered croakily through the river of tears that were streaming down her face.
“Yeah, he wanted to protect you. He didn’t want to hurt you, even after you broke his heart, Sarah. You broke Daniel’s heart! He waited for you, you know? He waited his whole life for you, Sarah.”
“I, I loved him, Margie, I did love him. I didn’t know? None of this makes sense?”
“Right, if you came home like you promised you would, you would have known! You were gone, Sarah. How long was it, twelve years? You never came back, not even once! He made so many plans to go visit you, but you were never ready for him to come? So, don’t tell me you loved my brother! You didn’t! He died, Sarah! He is dead! And if you ask me, he died of a broken heart!”
“I am so sorry ...”
Margie could barely hear Sarah through her violent sobbing. Sarah turned away from her, and hurriedly made her way back to her car. She climbed in, and placed her hands on the steering wheel, before she rested her head on her hands. She closed her eyes, desperate to cut off the tears that were incessantly flowing from her eyes. Margie was right.
She would have known that Daniel was ill, had she come home even once. Sarah cried out in anguish, and realized again, how self-centered and self-absorbed she had been. She had no right to claim that she loved Daniel, and there was nothing she could do to go back in time, and alter the course she had taken years before.
“I wish I could go back. God, please! Give me one more last chance!” She shouted out through her tears as she sat weeping uncontrollably.
BARELY TWENTY MINUTES later, Sarah drove in through the entrance of the Swanson Cattle Ranch. Not much seemed to have changed, but when she looked over at the ranch next door, she was horrified to discover that the Kingsleys ranch seemed cold, isolated and locked away behind the large gates she had never seen before.
She drove slowly as she desperately tried to swab away the tears that were flowing unremittingly from her eyes. She glanced around her, frantic to distract herself from the news she had received only a few moments ago. When she could finally see the farmhouse straight ahead of her, a fresh batch of tears began gushing mercilessly from her eyes. She had returned home.
The trees that lined the driveway seemed so much higher than they were before she had left. The farm seemed dissimilar, and the cattle hordes appeared to have doubled in size. The lawn was greener than she could remember, and her mother’s rose garden was in full bloom.
She parked her car beneath the old oak tree that seemed as though it had aged a hundred years while she was away. She turned off the ignition and sat staring straight out in front of her. She wanted to go back to before.
The tempest inside of her was raging when she recalled how perfectly flawless she felt in Daniel’s arms. She recklessly evoked the scent of his skin as every memory of a promise they once lived, came flooding back to her. Almost like a song she was once besotted with, but hadn’t heard in far too many years, and how the lyrics remained imprinted in her soul as she memorized each word.
She wanted to go back to before, and grab his hands while she shamelessly begged him to go away with her. To run away. To go too far. Just for one more last chance, to go back to before.
Before she was someone important, and before he left their world. To before they knew too much and felt too little. To when they could still effortlessly function on love and desire alone. She wanted one more last chance to evoke the she, she once was, the she, she was with him.
She wanted to go back, far away to a time when they were a them. To let go of their now, and forget how they grew up and lost their magic. To before their lights were so cruelly turned down. To a time when no-one else mattered, and not much else was real.
To when their bodies spoke so much louder and so much clearer than their voices did. She wanted to go so far back to when their hearts dissolved into their souls, just like they once did.
She wanted to go back to before life snuffed him out, and stole their passionate flames. She wanted to sit with him and hold his hand tightly into hers. She wanted to drown in the puddles of his arctic and wintry eyes.
She wanted to splash around on the shore with him and gaze up at the stars as they counted almost everyone. She wanted to dream the same dream he once did, before life stepped in, and flung them into separate and untaught terrains.
She wanted to go back just for one more last chance, and forget that she became someone else he had hardly recognized. She wanted to forget that she pledged her heart to the city. For one night, she wanted to be free to unreservedly, love him again.
She wanted to whisper how her heart still sought him out, and how her body still craved his. She wanted to step back into, and shamelessly linger in a moment she once thought she would never lose.
“One more last chance, Dear God. Just one more, last chance. I beg of you ...” She continuously cried out, and begged through her crushing tears.
She was still hopelessly caught up in her negotiations with the universe when she noticed Thomas approach her. He was her father, but he looked different. Perhaps older, and perhaps, a little sadder. It felt as though her trampled heart would barely be able to survive the moment she was about to see her beloved father again after all the years. The sun had disappeared behind the clouds, and the wind had begun to howl harshly around her. She climbed out of her car, and ran into her father’s arms where she sobbed bitterly into his chest.
“Daddy ...” Thomas Swanson placed his arms around his daughter, and held her protectively against him. He swallowed back on the tears he was sure were about to escape through his eyes, and for a single moment, he was sure that he was dreaming.
“You’re home? Why didn’t you tell us you were coming home?” He was ecstatic to hold her in his arms again, but devastated that her world had appeared to fall apart around her. She had barely lifted her eyes when she heard her mother’s voice echo in the distance.
“Sarah! Sarah!” She retreated slightly before she peeked over her father’s shoulders. When Cindy reached them, she placed her arms around Thomas and Sarah, and held desolately onto them.
“Mommy ...” Sarah whispered before she began sobbing again.
“Baby? What happened? Why didn’t you let us know you were coming home?” Cindy was at once horrified by the state she found her daughter in. Sarah erupted into a violent shudder before Thomas and Cindy led her into the farmhouse.
When they reached the dining room, Thomas hurriedly pulled out a chair, and helped Sarah into it. She swabbed irritatingly at the tears that refused to dry up any time soon. “Daniel? Is it true?” She whispered hoarsely before Cindy sat down on an empty seat beside her.
Thomas turned away, and despondently made his way to the kitchen. He knew that the moment would come that Sarah would discover the truth about Daniel. He knew that she would find out someday, and come home for answers.
Thomas not once agreed with Daniel when he frantically begged them never to tell Sarah, and when he saw the utter desolation in his eyes, he suddenly wished he had disregarded Daniel’s wishes, and ordered Sarah to come home. “He didn’t want you to know, he thought he was protecting you ...”
She slammed her fists into the dining room table before she turned to look her mother in the eye. “Protect me? Protect me? From what?”
“Honey, he never thought you’d come back here. He just never wanted you to leave everything behind for him, for this.”
“I did, I did come back. I said I would! You mommy, you should have known that I’d come home! You should have told me he was sick. You should have given me my one last chance to come home and be here for him. You should have given me my one last chance to say goodbye to him. I lost that! I have nothing, mother! You, dad and Daniel stole time from me! I was gone for too long, mommy, you should have told me! Sim says he was sick? That he suffered?”
“Honey, he suffered for such a long time. He didn’t want you to see him like that. And after all these years, we just didn’t think? We thought that Danny was no longer in your plans? He said that you broke up a few years before?”
“Danny has always been in my plans! Always, mom, always! And he broke up with me! He told me he found someone else! He said he couldn’t wait for me anymore!” She rested her head in her hands, as she continued to sob viciously. She turned her head, and stared blankly at her mother, “What happened? How did he get sick?” She had only just managed to ask her mother over the ever-restricting lump in her throat.
“Oh baby, the doctors are fairly sure that he picked up a virus when they left for Spain back in 1986. Their last trip to Anabel’s mother before she passed away, do you remember? It was just after you and Daniel began dating. The doctors were of the opinion that the virus lay dormant for all these years. They think that, well, they think that it had flared up for no reason at all, and began to attack his heart without warning. There were no symptoms before, nothing to indicate that something was wrong? But, when it surfaced, it took too long to diagnose ...”
She paused to take in a deep breath. “During Christmas of 1997, he developed a fever, and it took them almost two years to diagnose and discover that it was a virus that was, that was aggressively attacking his heart. There was nothing they could do, honey. It was too late for a heart transplant. There was just nothing they could do, and there was no way they could have diagnosed it sooner.”
She stared at her mother in disbelief. Sarah angrily dabbed at the tears that had continued to gush from her eyes.
“So, if they had never gone to Spain, this would never have happened?” Cindy nodded her head before she turned away from Sarah.
“He picked up a virus in another country just to come home and die? And nobody tells me a damn thing! It was not your decision to make, mother! It was not yours, dad’s or Daniel’s!” Sarah stood up before she hurled her chair into the corner of the dining room.
“Where is he?” Cindy walked over to Sarah who had become hysterical. “Where is he, mother?” She yelled out at the top of her voice.
“He’s, he’s buried at the Hazel Creek Cemetery.”
She grabbed her bag and her keys, before she hurriedly made her way back to her car. “Sarah!” Cindy followed her out to her car, and when she reached Sarah, Cindy grabbed firmly onto her arm, “Sarah, you’re too upset to drive. Megan is coming over with the kids later, why don’t you let her drive you?”
“No! I have to be where he is! Alone!” She freed herself from Cindy’s grip, before she slid into the driver’s seat, and started her car. She glared furiously over at Cindy, before she pulled away, and as though in a daze, she made her way to the cemetery.
WHILE SARAH LAY CURLED up in a bundle on his grave, she once again replayed their last conversation. She criticized herself for leaving him, and she hated herself for allowing twelve years to pass by before she came home.
She closed her eyes and desperately tried to remember what his voice sounded like. She could in no way at all, discard the crackle she heard in his voice, when he told her not to call him again.
She should have known that he was saying so much more than what she was hearing. His voice had pleaded with her, while his tone had scolded her, all at the same time.
Daniel Kingsley was the boy she had left behind, but he was always the man she thought she would come back to, and start her forever with someday.
In all the years that she had been gone, she stubbornly dreamed of the day they would own their own ranch, while she wrote her stories in her mother’s bookstore.
Her dreams of a life with Daniel had never changed, yet, the passage of time had turned against her. It had allowed the bright lights and city nights to seduce her, while it continued to blatantly tick by, second by second.
It gave her no warning. There was no indication that it would soon run out for her, and for Daniel. It never once alerted her of the fact that while she was away, the passage of time had turned against Daniel, and ultimately, turned against her. It had tricked her into believing that there was more time, almost as though it would never run out.
It was later than she thought. She placed her hands over the grass that was neatly cut and trimmed, and she gently ran her fingers across them. She wondered if his soul could feel her, and she wondered if he perhaps knew how she would spurn herself for leaving him.
She hated the fact that he had fallen ill and died. She cursed the fact that she never knew, and again, she scolded herself for turning her back on all that had ever mattered to her. “If I could go back, Danny ...” She cried out through her sorrowful tears as she clutched at the grass straws below her.
It had begun to rain, and Sarah no longer knew if it was her tears or the rain that had begun drowning her. She could almost not breathe, and she was sure that her heart could not stand the crushing of her heart and the shattering of her soul that she was so sure she could physically feel.
“I wish I could go back. I wish I could go back ...” She whispered softly before the thunder and lightning began crashing down around her. Sarah did not care that a storm had begun to entirely surround and engulf her. The sun had wholly disappeared, and the clouds had grown heavy and sinister above her.
The rain came crashing down on her, while angry flashes of lightning began lighting up the sky above her. She closed her eyes and thought back to the day they left for Spain. It was shortly before Christmas, and for some reason, Sarah could clearly remember that it was the 17th day of December.
The entire Kingsley family were about to board a ship to visit Anabel’s family in Galicia, for one last visit. Daniel was only twenty years old, and although he was excited to see his grandparents, he was reluctant to leave Sarah behind.
They had begun dating only a short while earlier, and had spent much of their free time together, where Daniel would regularly join her in the bookstore after school. Sarah was hesitant to see him leave, and when they said goodbye to one another at the docks, she was defeated by an unexpected and unforeseen urge to plead with him to stay.
She laid replaying each moment before he boarded the ship, and she realized at once that she must have known instinctively that Daniel should never have boarded that ship to Spain.
“I don’t want you to go, Danny ...” She pleaded with him when he pressed her firmly against him.
“I don’t want to go, but this will be the last time I get to see my grandmother, Sè ...”
“I know, Danny, I just, I’m going to miss you. I am going to miss you so much ...” He kissed her gently before he joined his parents and boarded The Alicia.
“He left that day to begin dying ...” She whispered sadly as she lay in the puddle of water on top of his grave. “I wish I could go back. I wish I could stop you from leaving. I wish I could go back ...”
She whispered over and over before she yelled out at the top of her voice in anger and desolation, “You can’t take him from me! I want another chance! I want my do-over!”
She sat up straight, and looked up into the sky, before she yelled out through her desperate tears. “I want to go back to before!” She was suddenly blinded by lightning that she was sure had crashed down right beside her.
The thunderous roars were deafening her, and the rain had completely blinded her, and drowned out everything around her. She felt eerie warmth enter her entire being, and when she closed her eyes, darkness had wholly surrounded her, and swallowed her up.
She fell back onto his grave, where she lay motionlessly, almost as though she was slipping into a deep sleep. She placed her hands on the ground below her, before the darkness entirely consumed her, “I want to be where you are ...”
