Loving Bravely

“What a wonderful exploration into the language of intimacy, relationships, and love! In this deeply insightful book, you will be exposed to the key ingredients of an intimate relationship: self-love, self-worth, and self-awareness. I highly recommend this book to anyone interested in engaging in life and love in an empowered way!”

—Shefali Tsabary, PhD, New York Times bestselling author and psychologist

“As modern dating increasingly gets reduced to a narrow set of online search algorithms, Alexandra H. Solomon wisely implores readers to turn off the noise, tune into our authentic selves, and cultivate a deeper sense of relational self-awareness. Loving Bravely will show you how to go beyond merely swiping left or right, scrolling up and down, and instead live and love in ways that are true to your unique, multidimensional self.”

—Ian Kerner, PhD, LMFT, New York Times bestselling author of She Comes First

“Alexandra H. Solomon has written the best book ever about creating, developing, and nurturing relationships. Loving Bravely is very special and unique among books on relationships. First, it is anchored in the scientific knowledge about relationships, yet is engaging and interesting. Second, it speaks to the issues of the twenty-first century for young and mid-life people in relationships. And, it centers primarily on what individuals can do themselves to nurture relationships. This is the manual for any person who wants to nurture and preserve a satisfying relationship.”

—Jay Lebow, PhD, ABPP, clinical professor at The Family Institute at Northwestern University, and editor of Family Process

“Alexandra H. Solomon has written a clear-eyed, practical guidebook on nothing less than how to love. Loving Bravely covers everything from how to shift beyond your own reactivity to how to offer an effective apology. Years of clinical experience shine through a book I’d recommend to anyone interested in loving well.”

—Terry Real, founder of the Relational Life Institute in Massachusetts, and author of The New Rules of Marriage

“This is a powerful book that beautifully lays out the path to having a healthier love relationship with others, by first having a healthier love relationship with yourself. Written in an engaging manner and full of practical exercises, this book is a godsend to anyone searching for, but struggling to find, true love in their lives.”

—Kristin Neff, PhD, associate professor in the department of educational psychology at The University of Texas at Austin, and author of Self-Compassion

“We all want to be in love or fall in love. But as Alexandra H. Solomon so persuasively argues, most of us spend more time learning to drive than learning to love. Clear-eyed and compassionate, Solomon provides step-by-step guidance on how to gain the skills needed to make a relationship—even a good one—deeper, more satisfying, and more intimate. Loving Bravely should be required reading for anyone involved in an intimate relationship and compulsory for anyone yearning to have one. As Solomon asks, are you willing to invest in love?”

—Elsa Walsh, author of the best-selling Divided Lives, and former staff writer for The New Yorker and The Washington Post

“Alexandra H. Solomon’s Loving Bravely is a terrific guidebook for anyone contemplating or engaged in an intimate relationship. This book brings together Solomon’s experience over the last twenty years studying couples, treating couples, immersing herself in couples therapy literature, and lastly, being coupled. First as a graduate student, and then a psychologist and professor at Northwestern University; as a therapist at The Family Institute at Northwestern University; and as a wife, Solomon has lived and breathed close relationships. No one knows this terrain better from both the inside and the outside. The wisdom in this book focuses on the concept of ‘know thyself first, fix thyself first, face thyself first.’ Loving over the long haul means developing the courage to face yourself and your partner with honesty, integrity, and compassion. Loving Bravely provides the keys to becoming a better partner and a better person, not the keys to fixing or changing your partner. I recommend this book to anyone who wants to be a better lover in the truest and deepest sense.”

—Bill Pinsof, PhD, LMFT, ABPP, founder, chief executive, and clinical professor at The Family Institute at Northwestern University, 1986-2016; and president of Pinsof Family Systems

“Alexandra H. Solomon delivers a beautifully relatable, encouraging, and practical book that walks the reader through the steps toward brave, intimate love. Her style creates safety and warmth from start to finish as she asks the readers to lean into vulnerability and connect with themselves in order to connect more deeply with others. Loving Bravely is a must-read for anyone interested in creating fulfilling and satisfying love while also transforming their relationships!”

—Vienna Pharaon, LMFT, founder of Mindful Marriage and Family Therapy in New York, NY, and relationship expert for Motherly

Publisher’s Note

This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering psychological, financial, legal, or other professional services. If expert assistance or counseling is needed, the services of a competent professional should be sought.

Distributed in Canada by Raincoast Books

New Harbinger Publications, Inc.

5674 Shattuck Avenue

Oakland, CA 94609

www.newharbinger.com

Cover design by Amy Shoup; Text design by Michele Waters-Kermes; Acquired by Melissa Valentine; Edited by Erin Raber

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data on file

This book is dedicated to my most loving teachers:

Todd who teaches me about trust

Brian who teaches me about faith

Courtney who teaches me about joy

You are my world

And there you are

standing by

giving me space

to draw you close

conjuring

feeling and knowing

into touch

whispers

and light

on a page written

to the beat

of the very

you

that got me

here

we will make history

anew

dear Love

mastering

ourselves

in the midst

of each other

Loving Bravely

—(from “Dear Love” by Alexandra Folz)