Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?
—Mary Oliver
Some years back, I had an “aha” moment that was really good for me and for my intimate relationship. Todd and I participated in a fundraising walk in downtown Chicago for a national autism organization. The walk ended on Soldier Field (home of the Chicago Bears), where there was live music, and kids and families could run, dance, and toss a football to their hearts’ content. To my football-obsessed husband, this was a dream come true. At some point, we walked up into the stands to observe the scene from above. Todd put his arm around me and said, “This is my temple. It has been my temple since I was a kid.” In that moment, I got it, and I surrendered the final remnants of my long-standing rivalry with the Chicago Bears.
Like many intimate partners, I tended to, in insecure moments, perceive Todd’s passion for football as a slight against me. I was prone, for many years, to telling myself a thin and unhelpful story about a love triangle between Todd, da Bears, and me. My story was that the time he spent with them took something away from me. Sure, we found ways to muddle through. We tried pragmatic accommodations: me watching with him (bust), him skipping an occasional game to be with me (bust). We tried emotional accommodations: I could talk myself through my icky feelings, and he had ways of reassuring me of my importance to him. But it wasn’t until I sat in the stands with him, on that sunny May afternoon, that I actually transformed my story, once and for all. Seeing through his eyes, my story thickened up, allowing me to transcend my fears and the accompanying judgments, and deeply and humbly feel all of what football means to him. Soldier Field is where he goes to connect to his brothers, the memory of his father, and the tribe that is all of Bears fans. It’s old, primal, and, quite frankly, none of my business. Todd without the Bears would cease to be Todd. In my “aha” moment, I was able to see that I am fortunate that the man I love knows how to access his deep passion, to stoke his fire. It is good for him. It is good for us.
A rich and meaningful love story is best crafted by those committed to living with passion—those who know how to source their lives (Oriah 1999). Sourcing your life is about feeding yourself from within. This lesson invites you to ask yourself an essential question: What do I need present in my life in order to feel alive, joyful, and passionate?
Intimate partners do not necessarily share or need to share those passions. My passions are uniquely mine. Your passions are uniquely yours. It is often the case that intimate partners turn away from the relationship and engage their passion, allowing them to return to the relationship more openhearted, alive, and engaged. Loving bravely means working to support passionate living—for yourself and for your partner.
Professor and writer Iris Krasnow (2011) interviewed more than two hundred wives to learn more about their experiences in married life, and she was struck by how many of them credited their relationship success to an outside hobby or passion, often one rediscovered or carried over from childhood (dance, horseback riding, and so on). She found that those who stoked their fires from within felt happier in their marriages. Bringing burnt-out, self-sacrificing, crusty energy to the relationship does not serve anyone. It is a recipe for resentment.
Much more than “free time” or “downtime,” engaging your passion is key for emotional wellness, deepening and supporting your relationship with yourself. Knowing what “turns you on” is an important aspect of relational self-awareness. Likely there is a menu of practices and activities that help you access your source: a thirty-minute walk with a special playlist that calms and opens you, working on your motorcycle at the end of a long day, or a weekend retreat. Solitude and intimacy are inextricably bound, with each feeding the other. Turning inward and connecting to ourselves readies us to turn outward and connect with others.
If you feel resistant to the idea that couples ought to have passions and hobbies outside of their primary relationship, holding on to the idea that “love ought to be enough,” it is worth asking yourself What keeps me from embracing the idea that partners need and benefit from pursuing passions outside of the relationship? Old stories may be getting in the way, leading you to equate turning away in order to refuel, restore, or recharge with turning away in order to abandon or betray. Perhaps the old story is, “I ought to be enough for him or her,” so the other person’s passion feels like a slap in the face, putting you in direct contact with feelings of shame and inadequacy.
If you find yourself feeling judgmental about your intimate partner’s outside passion, it is worth asking yourself: What frightens, worries, or upsets me about my partner’s outside passion? One client of mine was dating a woman who was an avid tennis player. He found himself irritated and hurt when she played, wishing she would opt for time with him instead. He was able to move from a reactive place (making snippy comments to her or shutting down emotionally on the nights she played) to a curious place by asking himself the above question. It was helpful for him to explore the stories he was telling himself about what her playing must mean about her feelings for him, mostly: “I must not matter very much to her.” From this brave place of self-awareness, he could share with her the complexity of his feelings. This allowed them to create work-arounds that felt win-win: she made extra effort to verbalize her love for him, and they scheduled additional time to hang out together.
Outside passions merit relational support, yet at times the passion may directly threaten the integrity of the intimate relationship. For one couple I saw in therapy, his passion for erotic photography felt to her like a violation, so we worked together to find a way for him to honor both his artistic passion and his marriage. This dynamic had many layers of complexity, but I bring it up here as a reminder that simple rules rarely do the trick when it comes to love.
If you find yourself holding back from pursuing your passions, ask yourself: What is the story I tell myself about my passions? In what ways do I fear my passions will threaten my love life? Another client of mine felt afraid to find a bible study community for fear that her desire to pursue her faith would drive her partner away. Whenever we bump up against those thin, either/or stories, it is an opportunity to seek out the both/and: How can I celebrate both my passion and my relationship?
Cultural stories about how our romantic partner ought to fulfill our every need (partner, coparent, lover, best friend) can get us into lots of trouble. Our expectations get set far too high, and disappointment is inevitable. Certainly, it is reasonable to expect emotional intimacy, conversation, and mutual support within an intimate relationship, but expecting all of your support to come from your intimate partner sets you up to feel let down.
Single or partnered, we always need a tribe—treasured and trusted friends who see us in our fullness and folly and love us anyway. Krasnow (2016) found that “the wives with the highest marital satisfaction have a tight circle of wild and warm women friends with whom to drink, travel and vent.” Men need this too! The best tribes are those that serve love—honoring vulnerability and struggle, holding space for emotional pain (resisting the urge to rescue or appease), and offering feedback, opinions, and advice only when asked.
What about a tribe that doesn’t serve love? For example, a therapy client of mine wanted desperately to be faithful to her boyfriend, but two of her close friends were cheating on theirs. Yes, she has free will, but she was wise to be curious about the impact of their choices on her. Some friendships foster and enable behaviors that undermine an intimate relationship, and if that is the case, it can be clarifying to look within and bravely ask: What part of me is served by participating in a friendship that compromises my ability to show up fully for my intimate relationship?
In addition to passions and friendships, work can be soul-feeding and purposeful. It is certainly the case that one can be unhappy in his or her work life and happy in his or her love life, but dissatisfaction with work warrants attention because the ripple effect can be damaging. Work that feels exploitive (of you or others) or that you have chosen because it was someone else’s dream for you can be incredibly draining, compromising your self-esteem and outlook on life. There can be subtle yet powerful ways that work influences love and love influences work, so bringing your awareness to that intersection can be illuminating. Ask yourself: How does my work shape my current experience of my love life? How does the current status of my love life impact my work?
If your work is negatively affecting your love life, it is worth asking yourself: What is the story I am telling myself about working this job I hate? What is getting in the way of me making a change? What feels frightening about imagining making a change?
The opening quote of this lesson invites us to think about what we will do with this one wild and precious life. A fulfilling intimate relationship certainly tops most of our lists, as love is a rich source of meaning. But love is not our only source, and we need to find purpose through passions, through friendships, and through work. Being committed to living with passion serves you now and always, and it serves love too.
In the creation of a “we,” devote time, space, and energy to the “me.”
Life Playlist
Here’s a throwback reference for you. In the 1990s TV show Ally McBeal, Ally was going through a difficult time, and her therapist told her that she needed a theme song for her life. This episode stayed with me because, for so many of us, music plays a sacred role in our emotional and relational lives. I can’t say that I have one theme song for my life. What I do have is a playlist that I can use as needed. I rely on music to:
Music can help you tap into your source, connecting you to what fuels, drives, and sustains you. Do you have a theme song? What songs are on your life playlist? If you don’t already use music in this way, identify some songs you connect with and use them when you need to deepen or shift what’s going on inside of you.
Because how you take care of yourself has a direct impact on your love life, it is worth taking a look at what’s on your platter. Doctors David Rock and Daniel Siegel (2011) created the Healthy Mind Platter as a takeoff on the United States government’s revamped food pyramid. Rather than focusing on the foods we eat, the Healthy Mind Platter identifies seven daily activities that “make up the full set of ‘mental nutrients’ that your brain needs to function at its best.” The seven are:
When you engage in each of these activities daily, “you enable your brain to coordinate and balance its activities, which strengthens your brain’s internal connections and your connections with other people” (2011).
There are no specific guidelines for how much time makes up “a serving” of each of these. Think about how you spent your time during the past three days by answering the following questions.
What do you feel passionate about? Write down three hobbies or other activities that have been or are part of your life, and then answer the following questions:
Note: If your activity or passion isn’t creative, take a moment to think about the role of creativity in your life. Many of us (myself included) have a story of self that says, “I am not creative.” In fact, all of us are, and we are most whole and connected when we are involved in a creative process of some kind. Feeding your creativity feeds your intimate relationship. Creativity is defined very broadly here: building, decorating, writing, dancing, gardening, cooking, repairing, singing, landscaping, and so on. In what ways do you honor creativity in your life?
The “Me” in “We”
Have you had the experience of feeling threatened by or judgmental about your intimate partner’s hobby or activity? If so, answer the following questions in a journal entry:
Have you had the experience of an intimate partner feeling threatened by or feeling judgmental about your passion, hobby, or favorite activity? If so, answer the following questions in a journal entry: