One of the best guides to how to be self-loving is to give ourselves the love we are often dreaming about receiving from others.
—bell hooks
We are stuck. Again. I sit in session and watch Nicole turn away from Andrew, her shoulders slumped and her head heavy with defeat. “There’s just nothing I can say or do. Nothing.” Andrew and I hold eye contact for a long time, and I say, “Andrew, I can only imagine how alone you must feel right now. Nicole wants nothing more than to be with you as you two face this problem. To partner with you. She’s knocking on your door, but it’s so hard for you to let her in, isn’t it?”
It is clear to me that the weight of Andrew’s shame is crushing him, and I am afraid that it is slowly killing their relationship. He has been unemployed for many months; her part-time job and his parents’ contributions keep them afloat. He is irritable most of the time, and she feels as if she is walking on eggshells. She is frustrated and lonely. Her true essence is problem-solver and cheerleader, and I am impressed by the fact that she does not blame him or shame him. From her perspective, this is their problem—their choices got them into this mess, and both of them need to get themselves out of it.
Andrew does not share this perspective. He is drowning in shame, yet he struggles mightily when I use that word—instead he prefers to talk about feeling stressed and feeling mad at himself. From his perspective, he has screwed up big-time, and his joblessness reflects his inadequacy. Therefore, anything Nicole says or does—forwarding a job posting to him, offering to edit his résumé, inquiring about the family budget—feels to him like an assault. It is as if Andrew is stuck in a deep and dark hole, and Nicole is on the ground above, desperate to be with her partner, as she knows he’s suffering tremendously. Her questions, comments, and concerns are intended to be tools—a flashlight, a rope, a ladder that can help him out, or at least a snack to keep his energy up. Tragically, her attempts to be involved feel to Andrew as if she is throwing rocks into the hole or taunting him. So he responds critically and defensively, sighing and saying something like, “You don’t get it. That’s never going to work!” Nicole goes back to biting her tongue and continuing to tiptoe, giving Andrew what he says he needs—space to figure it out on his own.
When Nicole retreats, she is left without a partner and terrified about the future. And when she leaves Andrew in the hole, their relationship grows ever more distant. And guess what else happens? Andrew’s shame wins. Again. She walks away, and he spends another long day trapped with his shame telling him this is exactly where he belongs. Andrew is embroiled in the fight of his life, and the very tool he needs is one for which he has tremendous contempt. That tool? Self-compassion.
Self-compassion is the only way out of that hole. Self-compassion is the only way he will be able to let Nicole near him. Without it, he will keep her at arm’s length because it’s too risky. Even if she could be a gentle, totally empathic, perfectly attuned angel every moment of every day, Andrew’s shame would continue to stand guard, looking for the slightest evidence that she is belittling and undermining him. In the absence of self-compassion, Andrew’s shame runs the show—unchecked and merciless. It is devastating his relationship with himself and his relationship with his wife. And, by the way, his shame-loaded story of who he is also compromises his ability to get a job, as it keeps him from proactively and confidently reaching out and advocating for himself. There is no doubt about it, Andrew is stuck, and in order to get out, he must get on his own team.
As Andrew and Nicole’s story shows, shame packs a “one-two punch,” hurting not only our relationship with ourselves but also our relationship with the people we love. In spite of this, shame is a common emotion. We may wish to never feel shame, but it’s more reasonable to expect that we will feel shame from time to time. Relational self-awareness then means knowing how to identify it and how to work with it when we feel it creeping up on us.
First things first: shame and guilt are different. If we have done something that hurts someone we care about, we will likely experience feelings of guilt, and these feelings can actually be helpful—a sort of red flag from within letting us know that we have wandered from who and how we want to be. Guilt can serve as a motivator. Our guilty feelings lead us to make a repair with the person we have hurt. Our guilty feelings may drive us to take a fearless look at ourselves and our choices. Guilt tends to be specific and fixable—it is about what we have done and how to repair it.
Shame is different. Shame is more diffuse and static. Shame is about who we are. Guilt says, “I did something wrong,” and shame says, “I am wrong.” And, unlike guilt, which may drive us to be more conscientious and thoughtful, shame is an ineffective and cruel motivator. Shame is sneaky. It offers the illusion of being a motivator, lulling us into thinking that we need it in order to do what needs to be done.
Andrew is sure that unless he continues to berate himself, he will stop trying to look for a job at all. Shame keeps him from seeing how, in fact, the opposite is possible and preferable—that he could motivate himself from a place of self-compassion. And unlike guilt, which can be used to drive us to repair a relational problem, shame compromises connection between self and other. This is the case with Andrew and Nicole. Andrew’s shame creates painful distance and disengagement in his intimate relationship. This is true for all of us: I can only love you to the degree that I love myself.
Self-compassion is a powerful antidote to shame. In fact, it’s really the only antidote to shame. The heart of self-compassion is deep friendship with one’s self—I am on my own team. Self-compassion is not a new idea here, as it has shown up in various places throughout the book. Every time we engage in the Name-Connect-Choose process, we are practicing self-compassion, because we are attending to and valuing what lies within us. Every time we enact healthy boundaries by saying yes when we mean yes and no when we mean no, we are practicing self-compassion. Every time we return our attention to the present moment, dropping self-criticism and negative self-talk, we are practicing self-compassion.
So what is self-compassion? Dr. Kristin Neff (2011; 2012), the leading researcher in this area, says there are three elements of self-compassion:
Self-compassion is not the same as self-esteem. It’s not about hollowly propping yourself up or mindlessly offering yourself affirmations about your awesomeness. Self-compassion is also not about letting yourself off the hook. It is about embracing your imperfections and making a commitment to be gentle with yourself. As Dr. Neff says, self-compassion is about treating yourself the way you would treat a good friend. Life is hard and full of unforeseen challenges and disappointments—all of which are much easier to navigate when you are on your own team.
My work with Andrew and Nicole continues, bit by bit and step by step. Andrew recently decided to begin individual therapy in order to address the roots of his shame. He told Nicole that he was only going to individual therapy “for her.” Rather than feeling discouraged by his continued difficulty claiming that his well-being is worth fighting for, I shared with him that I think that’s an act of relational heroism (Real 1998). Tackling his lack of self-compassion head-on is a way of fighting for his marriage. His marriage is so valuable to him that even though he would not be able to declare for himself that he is worth fighting for, he is willing to do it for love. It is my hope that, over time, he will take his emotional well-being seriously, but for right now, self-compassion in the name of love will have to be enough.
Even though we all deserve to be compassionate with ourselves for our own sake (because we are worthy of such gentleness), sometimes we need a different kind of motivation. We can motivate ourselves to practice self-compassion in order to be a more open-hearted intimate partner, parent, or friend. Whatever your motivation, see what happens when you commit to living and loving with self-compassion.
We must relate to ourselves with compassion in order to be able to offer the same to our intimate partner.
Comfort Meditation
The seeds of self-compassion are planted by those who have shown compassion to us, especially when we were young. This exercise is intended to help you identify who in your life has provided you with comfort—whose words and actions have helped you feel better. As Peggy O’Mara (former editor of Mothering magazine) says, “The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice.”
Begin by meditating on the idea of comfort. Sit quietly with your eyes closed, and bring forth images of comfort. Who in your life offers or has offered you comfort in a way that felt “just right”? Imagine you are on your back looking up at the sky. As a memory of comfort comes into your awareness, imagine it is a soft cloud moving into your line of vision. Sit with this memory for a few moments. What were you upset about? What did that person say or do that was so helpful? Why? As you connect with the memory, notice what you feel in your body and where you feel it. Then imagine the cloud moving away, out of your line of vision. Sit quietly and notice whether another memory of comfort comes up for you. If so, connect with it. When you are done with this meditation, write about the memory or memories that came up for you. Write about the people who offered you comfort and what they said or did.
Those Who Dwell Within
The next time you are having a hard time—feeling irritable, feeling weepy, or wanting to isolate yourself—turn your attention inward and notice how you are talking to yourself. Are you treating yourself harshly? Are you feeling shame? If so, what happens if you pull up one of the comfort memories you identified in the previous meditation? What happens if you begin to talk to yourself the way this person would talk to you? Does the shame begin to feel more like self-compassion? Do you find yourself beginning to feel more relaxed, open, and calm?
Care of the Self
Photocopy or download (from http://www.newharbinger.com/35814) the following list of common self-soothing strategies and keep it handy for times when you need it. Feel free to add your own!