Joyce was standing by the door of Amanda’s building at eight fifty-five. She’d been so happy to see Amanda’s reply to her text message when she’d opened her eyes that morning sans headache, amazingly enough. Her relief and enthusiasm had followed her through her morning routine: going outside with Dingo, feeding him and herself, taking a shower, doing her hair and makeup, and getting dressed. She’d even caught herself whistling a few times. As soon as she got in her car and started driving toward Franklin Street, however, a deep fear took root inside her. There was a great possibility, after all, that her explanation wouldn’t suffice. Amanda had generously granted her this meeting, but that didn’t in any way guarantee she would earn her forgiveness.
Joyce paced on the sidewalk, waiting for Amanda. She pulled on the slightly heavier and larger scarf she’d chosen to wear. She’d dressed for the chilly early September morning with jeans and a light knit sweater, but she hoped the day wouldn’t warm up too quickly. Loosening her scarf, revealing the unmistakable signs of aging it concealed—that would surely scare Amanda away for good.
Amanda showed up in her usual layered look and ponytail. She pushed her glasses up the bridge of her nose in a familiar movement Joyce found endearing. Her smile was hesitant. Joyce answered it without restraint. Amanda had every right to be cautious. “Thank you so much for meeting me.”
Amanda jerked her chin toward the walking trail. “Let’s walk.”
They walked side by side in silence for a few minutes. Joyce had hoped Amanda would open the conversation, ask her questions, but it soon became evident she was there to listen to Joyce’s plea and nothing else. Joyce had gone over and over what she might say if she had the chance to, but she’d never worked on an opening statement. Where to begin? She pulled on her scarf, cleared her throat, and the first words that came out surprised her. “I miss you.” The tears that followed shocked her even more.
Amanda glanced at Joyce and stopped walking. She sighed with frustration and looked up to the sky. Joyce couldn’t decide if she was annoyed with her for crying or with the tears rapidly filling her own eyes. She took tissues out of her messenger bag and handed a few to Joyce.
“Thank you.”
“I thought you wanted to talk to me. So talk, please. I’ve done enough crying already. Tell me why you invited me to your house without telling me your sister and niece would be there. Without telling me the objective of the evening was for me and Heather to hit it off. Why you tricked me that way after I told you how much I hated social and mind games and wouldn’t tolerate them. Just tell me, please.”
So there it was. The opening Joyce had been waiting for. Amanda started crying harder after delivering it, but when Joyce made a move toward her to comfort her, she took a step back and raised her hand in front of her. “Just talk,” she repeated as she started walking again.
“I didn’t want to do it, Amanda,” Joyce started. “It was Barbara’s idea.”
“Are you going to tell me she forced you?” Amanda scoffed, irritated.
“No, of course not. Please let me finish. I’m taking full responsibility for what happened, but I have to start from the beginning. Okay?”
Amanda nodded and lowered her gaze to the ground in front of her as they walked. Joyce focused on the stream to the right of the walking trail and continued, “You see, my sister has never approved of Heather’s girlfriends. She thinks they’re not driven enough and have no real substance. I can’t say she’s wrong, to be honest. So when I told Barbara about you, Dingo’s veterinarian and my new, young lesbian friend, she immediately asked me to introduce you to Heather. She thought you’d be the perfect girlfriend for her daughter. I told my sister I would think about it, but I had no intentions of doing it. I didn’t want to trick you like that. I didn’t want to risk Heather hurting you. And, quite frankly, I didn’t want to share you with anyone.”
Joyce paused and glanced at Amanda, who didn’t react otherwise to Joyce’s revelation but slowed her step. Joyce matched her new pace and turned her attention back to the stream. “You’re very important to me, Amanda. I loved the time we spent together and I didn’t want you to spend that time with Heather. Or anyone else.” She heard her take a deep breath. “But then at the casino you mentioned you might be ready to find someone to love and I thought perhaps I was being selfish. I thought if I did introduce you to Heather, you could find love with her or with one of her friends. I really meant well. I realize now that it wasn’t a good reason to trick you into meeting Heather. I’m so sorry I did that, and I wish I could take it back.”
They walked in silence for a few seconds before Amanda asked “Is that it?”
“Not really. But that covers why I planned that dinner, yes.”
Amanda sighed again, but this time with less frustration. She seemed more relaxed. She stopped walking and turned to Joyce, who met her gaze. “If you’d told me what you were planning, I would’ve told you I wasn’t interested in meeting anyone. None of this would’ve happened. You can’t plan my love life behind my back, do you realize that?”
“I do, I so completely do. And I can’t apologize enough for what I did.”
“Good. Because if we’re going to try to be friends again, there can’t be any secrets between us.”
“I know. That’s why this conversation can’t end here. If you really do want us to see each other again, there’s something else we need to talk about, isn’t there?”
“What do you mean?” Amanda looked to the ground, a blush coloring her face.
Joyce wasn’t certain she wanted to continue, but she had to tell Amanda everything she knew or everything she thought she knew. If she didn’t completely clear the air now she was doomed to lose her for good. She couldn’t let that happen.
“What I mean is that I think I might have misinterpreted what you said at the casino. When you ran away from my house the other night, Heather said the reason why you couldn’t be interested in her was because…” her voice trailed off. She couldn’t finish her thought. What if Heather was wrong? What would she look like if she hinted that Amanda might be interested in her and the young woman laughed at her?
“Because of what?” Amanda prompted nervously.
Joyce took a deep breath and closed her eyes to find the courage to continue. For the sake of truth, she had to risk humiliation. “Because you might be interested in me.” Her statement sounded more like a question. A weak, hopeful yet incredulous question. She opened her eyes cautiously, looking for an answer.
Amanda’s blush darkened, but she remained speechless, her expression blank. Panicked, Joyce quickly added, “I know she’s probably wrong, right? I mean, why would you be interested in a woman my age?” She laughed nervously. “I wanted to put it out there, because if Heather’s right, then we may have more to talk about. And if she’s wrong, well, at least I didn’t hide anything from you and we can…”
“She’s not wrong,” Amanda declared, interrupting Joyce’s rambling.
“What?”
“Heather’s not wrong, Joyce.”
Amanda’s heart was pounding, her hands were sweaty, and her airways were constricting. She’d never been in this situation before. She’d never admitted her infatuation to Professor Jones back in veterinary school, and she certainly hadn’t intended to admit her feelings to Joyce this morning. Forced now to make a choice between confirming or denying those feelings, however, she had to go with the truth. She’d proclaimed they couldn’t have secrets from each other. Keeping the truth from Joyce now would be counterproductive. She didn’t know if the feelings she had before that dinner ended so badly were damaged for good. She didn’t know if she could trust Joyce again, but she knew she had to tell the truth.
“I was interested in you. I think that’s why what happened at that dinner hurt so much. Being tricked into a blind date was one thing. But being tricked by the woman I thought could be the one for me was devastating.” Amanda smiled to keep from crying. Joyce seemed genuinely surprised and moved by her admission.
“Oh, Amanda. If only I’d known…”
“How could you not know? Especially after what I said at the casino. I thought I’d made myself perfectly clear.”
“I know. But you have to understand. I never thought for one second you could have any interest in me beside friendship. You’re so young, so beautiful. It didn’t even cross my mind. I fought every moment I felt attracted to you, reminding myself it was not even within the realm of possibilities.”
Amanda didn’t know how to reply, but she didn’t want the conversation to end. They were finally getting somewhere, throwing their truths in the air and seeing where they’d fall. It felt good. Scary, but good. She spotted a bench nearby. “Would you like to sit?”
“Yes, please,” Joyce answered with a laugh. They walked to the bench and sat in silence for a minute.
“So what do we do now?” Amanda asked.
“I don’t know,” Joyce said. “It’s up to you, Amanda. Do you think you can trust me again?”
“I’m not sure. But even if I do, where do we go from here? Do we go back to being friends? Do we start dating? I mean, do you think you could get past our age gap?”
“I’m not sure, to be honest. But I know what I’d like to do.”
“And what is that?”
“I’d like to start over. I’d like for us to go out as if it was the first time, with open minds. You stay open to the possibility that I might be trustworthy,” she said with a wry smile. Amanda couldn’t help smiling back. “And I stay open to the possibility that this could be more than friendship,” she added with a more serious expression, biting at her lower lip.
Amanda swallowed with difficulty. “That sounds fair.”
“I’m glad you think so.” They stood and started walking back toward Amanda’s condominium complex. When they stopped in front of the door, Joyce thanked her for agreeing to meet with her and hugged her. Amanda tensed up at the embrace, but relaxed when Joyce tightened her hold and cradled her chin into Amanda’s neck. It was a new kind of hug, much more intimate, and a delightful way to begin the do-over Joyce had suggested.