“Janice saw you and Amanda on Main Street Saturday. She asked me who was that young woman you were standing so close to.”
Joyce kept her eyes closed and held the Perfect Pose even though her yoga session had been so brutally interrupted. She knew Barbara was not dropping by on this sunny Tuesday morning to see how she was doing. They hadn’t talked since she’d confronted her older sister and declared she would see Amanda whether she liked it or not. She’d known Barbara would remain silent until she found more ammunition to pursue the fight. Apparently she now had.
Joyce stood and rolled up her yoga mat. She went to the dog pen and hooked a leash to Dingo’s collar. Thankfully, he hadn’t tried to jump and escape from the pen yet, the Elizabethan collar limiting his movements. She and Dingo then walked past Barbara to the patio door and entered the house, followed by an irritated Barbara. “Did you hear what I said?”
“Yes, I heard you. What did you tell Janice?” she asked calmly. Janice was an old friend of Barbara’s and Evelyn’s. The rumor mill had obviously started and although Joyce was acting impassive in front of Barbara, the truth was that she was bothered by it, which annoyed her even more.
“I told her she was just a friend and your dog’s new vet, but you know Janice. She kept hinting that the two of you looked really close. Her mind is already made up. What the hell, Joy? Couldn’t you at least keep your distance in public?”
“Oh come on. It’s not like we were holding hands or kissing in the middle of the street. You know as well as I do that Janice would have run her mouth even if I’d been standing three feet from Amanda. She has nothing better to do. Don’t you?”
“How dare you?” Barbara hissed. “I certainly have better things to do than to defend your reputation, Joyce Allen.”
“Oh please. We both know the only reputation you’re really concerned with is your own. So next time you see Janice, tell her the truth. Tell her your little sister has lost her mind and you don’t know what to do with her anymore. Tell her you’ve stopped talking to me if you want. I don’t care. Do whatever you have to do to save your own fucking reputation and quit acting like you worry about mine. I don’t give a crap what Janice thinks of me. Am I clear?”
“You’re clearly lying, that’s for sure. I don’t believe a word of it. Janice was among your closest friends. She was part of the world you lived in for almost thirty years. One day you’ll wake up and realize you’ve turned your back on all of your friends and your family, my dear sister. I only hope it won’t be too late when you do. I’m done trying. Call me if you ever come to your senses.”
Barbara left, slamming the front door behind her. Joyce gasped at the sound, then sighed, relieved to have been delivered from Barbara’s attacks, but mostly relieved to be able to drop the act she’d been keeping up in her presence. Alone at last, she started crying quietly and walked to the leather couch where Dingo joined her and lay by her side. He wasn’t supposed to jump on the furniture, but she welcomed his presence and plunged her fingers into his fur as she started sobbing with much less control.
She didn’t worry about Janice. That much was true. She didn’t care what Janice and the rest of her former friends thought. She did care about the fact that she might lose her sister though. She couldn’t help it. They’d shared so much since their childhood. As much as she’d grown to hate Barbara’s judgmental and snobbish ways, she still loved her. She was a bright, witty, sharp, and funny woman. Most of all she was her big sister, and she knew she would always need her in her life.
Deep down, she also had to admit she understood her concern. She knew there was more behind it than Barbara worrying about her own reputation, knew that some of her warnings came from a deep fear that Joyce might get hurt. How could she not understand that when she also fought that same fear?
She wanted to be with Amanda more than anything, but she couldn’t deny that for her their age gap was a genuine, almost paralyzing threat. She’d been going back and forth between moving forward and ending everything since the last kiss they’d shared. That’s why she hadn’t yet called to plan their next date. Every time she picked up her cell phone she thought of her young mouth trying to kiss the skin hidden under her silk scarf. The thin, wrinkled skin she’d been covering up for years. Every time she remembered the moment that she’d felt her lips move under the light fabric, the panic that had made her put a stop to Amanda’s exploration resurfaced.
Yet if she chose to move forward with her, she couldn’t hide the skin of her neck forever. If they made love, Amanda would see her neck—and every other imperfection on her body that betrayed her age. She thought she didn’t care about their age difference now, but she’d always seen Joyce at her best. Lying naked in bed with the younger woman would leave Joyce completely vulnerable. It would be the real, ultimate test, and she was far from convinced that Amanda wouldn’t care then. More importantly, she wasn’t sure she wanted to find out.
Then she thought of kissing Amanda, of caressing her and making her moan with pleasure again. She thought about holding her in her arms and letting herself love her the way she wanted to, and she picked up the phone again. Having these conflicting feelings was exhausting. She wished she could discuss them with someone, with her sister, but she couldn’t. She was left alone to battle with them, and she thought she might go crazy.