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Accountability, 45
Actions. See Behavior
Adolescents, 209–14. See also Early adolescence
“Adultification” of children, 1
Advice, sorting through, 171–72
Amends, making, 142
American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, 42–43
American Academy of Pediatrics, 42
Amnesia, 240–41
Angst, parental. See Parental angst
Apologies, forced, 142
Aristotle, 1
Assumption-Free Living, 128, 149
Authority figure, parent as, 3
Balance, xii, 2, 26, 159, 263–64
“Because I said so” (eliminating), 145
Behavior
apologizing for, 142
appreciation of effects on others, xii, 16, 149, 205, 235, 244, 245, 249, 265
de-emphasized in unsolved problems, 51–52, 53, 84
disapproval of conveyed by Plan B, 147
disrespectful, 224
injurious to self or others, 16
making amends for, 142
school’s expectations for, 199–203
Beliefs. See Characteristics
Better Angels of Our Nature, The: Why Violence Has Declined (Pinker), 236
Brooks, David, 25, 236–37, 238
Bullying, 205–8
Butler, Samuel, 43
Case scenarios
frazzled single mom, 5–7, 69–72, 119–24, 149–53, 173–74, 227–30, 258–59
mother-daughter conflict, 27–29, 60–62, 153–56, 175–78, 230–34, 259–62
mother-son-stepfather conflict, 45–48, 74–79, 224–26, 254–58
Catastrophizing, 166
Character building, 148–49
Characteristics (skills, preferences, beliefs, values, personality traits, goals, direction), xi, xiv, 9, 10, 11, 15, 23, 39, 159, 238, 239, 263. See also Incompatibility
of adolescents, 204
of kindergarteners, 191
Plan A and, 56
sources of, 20–21
of young adults, 215
Collaboration, xii, 37, 38, 170, 171, 202, 265. See also Plan B
Collaborative & Proactive Solutions (CPS), xiii–xiv
Collaborative Territories, 37, 58, 66, 265
Colleges, concerns of, 170–71
College students and young adults, 215
Concerns. See also Define-Adult-Concerns step; Empathy step
child’s indifference to parents’, 135–36
competing/conflicting (nonexistence of), 101, 218–21, 247
misplaced skepticism about, 133–34
mutual respect for, 117
nonverbal depictions of, 189–90
shelving and asking for more, 91
solution justifiability confused with, 245
summarizing and asking for more, 91–92
avoidability of, 160–61
Plan A and, 58
practices increasing the likelihood of, 165–67
punishment and, 35
recipe for, 161
resolving disagreements without, xii, 149, 235, 265
Consequences, 34–38, 40–42. See also Punishment
Contracts, 146
Control, 247–49, 264. See also Power
Corporal punishment, 2, 42–44, 250
Covey, Stephen, 116
Creating Innovators: The Making of Young People Who Will Change the World (Wagner), 248
“Curse of certainty,” 169
Decisiveness, 72–73
Define-Adult-Concerns step (Plan B), 63, 81, 83, 91, 129, 140, 166, 179, 246
implementing, 101–5
purpose of, 65
qualities fostered through use of, 244–46
skipping, 137–38
Diagnoses, psychiatric, 17, 198
Dictatorial Kingdom, 2, 37, 58, 66, 157, 265
Direction. See Characteristics
Discrepant observations, 90–91
Dishonesty, 224. See also Honesty
Disrespectful behavior, 224
Divining, 98
Drilling for information, 85–93, 98, 134
difficulties with, 130–33
primary goal of, 86
strategies for, 86–92
Early adolescence, 203–9
EARTH acronym, 254. See also Behavior, appreciation of effects on others; Conflict, resolving disagreements without; Empathy; Honesty; Perspective taking
Elementary schoolers, 196–203
Embarrassment, 167–68
Emergency Plan B, 64, 95, 129–30, 143–44
Emotions, expressing, 169–70
Empathy, xii, 149, 235, 244, 245, 254, 265
bullies lacking in, 205
elementary schoolers and, 202
religion and, 252
toddlers/preschoolers and, 16, 185
Empathy fatigue, 240
Empathy step (Plan B), 63, 81, 116, 140, 165, 166, 179
entering with assumptions, 128–29
examples of, 84, 92–93, 103–5, 109–10
implementing, 82–101
misplaced skepticism in, 133–34
possible responses to, 85–101
qualities fostered through use of, 241–44
skipping, 137
toddlers/preschoolers and, 186
Environmental influences, 20–21
Epigenetics, 20
Erikson, Erik, 23
Executive functions, 16
Exhorting and extorting strategies, 31–34, 49
Expectations. See also Incompatibility; Unsolved problems
of adolescents, 209–14
berating the child for failing to meet, 33
children’s ability to meet, 39
children’s desire to meet, 39, 53–54, 199, 264
children’s willingness to meet, 38–39, 40, 53–54, 199, 264
of college students and young adults, 215
of early adolescence, 203–9
of elementary schoolers, 196–203
exhorting and extorting strategies for, 31–34, 49
explaining importance of, 32
imposing at an earlier age, 26
insistence on meeting, 32–33
intermittent meeting of, 52, 88
of kindergarteners, 191–95
meeting without liking, 147
perceived as crucial, 22
pointing out child’s failure to meet, 31–32
pumping the child up for, 33
realistic and unrealistic, 53, 68–69, 118
realms included in, 9–10
in the Real World, 248–49
rules compared with, 21–22
of toddlers/preschoolers, 14–16, 184–91
trying too hard to fulfill, 239
Experience, parental. See Parental experience, wisdom, and values
Explosive Child, The (Greene), xiii
External controls, 244–45
Fear of parents, 74
Finland, 26
Genetic influences, 20–21
Global Achievement Gap, The (Wagner), 248
Goals. See Characteristics
Golden Rule, 43
Google Images, 189
Grilling vs. drilling, 86, 134
Happiness, 253–54
Helicopter parents, 73
Honesty, xii, 100, 149, 224, 235, 265
Identity achievement, 24
Identity diffusion, 24
Identity foreclosure, 23–24
Identity moratorium, 24
Incompatibility, 9–29
benefits of, 13, 23–25, 27, 264
children blamed for, 17–18
of children’s own expectations, 74
earliest response to, 22–23
parental role in, 18–20
recognizing, 49
Independence, 12, 67–68, 117, 118, 196, 216, 265. See also Plan C
expectations of, 13–14, 181–84
partnering with, 22–23
Influence. See Parental influence
Information, 37–38. See also Drilling for information
consequences vs., 40
deluge of, 145
gathering without words, 189–90
Plan A lacking in, 57
Internal controls, 245
Interrupting, 166–67
Invitation step (Plan B), 63, 81, 83, 129, 140
example of, 111–13
implementing, 105–14
purpose of, 65
qualities fostered through use of, 246–47
skipping, 138–39
Kindergarteners, 191–95
Language development, 14–15, 184
Least toxic response, 42
Listening
complaints about lack of, 65
Covey on, 116
drilling for information and, 86
reflective, 86–87, 98–99, 131, 176
Lives in the Balance, 190
Locomotion skills, development of, 14–15, 184
Lost and Found (Greene), 252
Lost at School (Greene), 252
Marcia, James, 23
Marijuana use, 210
Meaningfulness, 253
Medication, psychotropic, 202–3
Mind reading, 165–66
Motivation, 38–39, 88, 199, 264
Narcissism, 237
Natural consequences, 41
Nature vs. nurture question, 20–21
Nietzsche, Friedrich, 253
“No” (child’s use of), 186–87
Parental angst, 157–79, 238, 264
benefits of small doses, 161
common causes of, 157–58
counterproductive communication and, 165–67
indications of excessive, 162
maintaining perspective, 159–60
spousal differences in, 171
Parental experience, wisdom, and values, xii, 9, 26, 39, 204, 209, 215, 240–41, 263
Plan A and, 56
Plan B and, 65, 101, 115, 159, 164, 224
Plan C and, 67
right vs. wrong use of, 238
Scripture on, 44
Parental influence, xi–xii, 9–10, 27, 62, 158–59. See also Define-Adult-Concerns step
children’s desire for, 3–4
Patience, 172
Perfectionism, 25–26
Permissiveness, 2
Personality traits. See Characteristics
Perspective
losing, 217–18
tips for maintaining, 159–60
Perspective taking, xii, 16, 149, 171, 202, 205, 235, 244, 245, 265
Pinker, Steven, 236
Plan A, 65, 72, 73, 95–96, 100, 108, 137, 138, 139, 219, 236
for bullying, 205–6
character and grit not promoted by, 148–49
confusion over, 114
described, 55
disadvantages of, 56–57, 145–46
dishonesty and, 224
disrespectful behavior and, 224
in early adolescence, 205–6
for elementary schoolers, 196, 197, 200
example of, 60–62
for kindergarteners, 192
message conveyed by, 245
overview of, 56–63
parental angst and, 159, 160, 163, 168–69, 171
Plan B compared with, 93–94, 107, 115, 142
in the Real World, 248–50
reasons for popularity of, 58
reverting to from Plan B, 127–28
in schools, 249–52
spousal disagreement over, 221–23
for toddlers/preschoolers, 186, 190
Plan B, 72, 73, 81–125, 127–56, 264. See also Define-Adult-Concerns step; Empathy step; Invitation step
adjusting to, 114–15
assessing readiness for, 139
bad timing in, 129–30
benefits beyond problem-solving, 115–16
for bullying, 206–8
child’s inability to generate solutions, 136
child’s indifference to parental concerns, 135–36
for college students and young adults, 215
conflicting solutions in, 101, 218–21, 247
described, 55
difficulty implementing, 81, 216–17
disapproval of behavior conveyed by, 147
in early adolescence, 204–5, 206–8
for elementary schoolers, 197–98, 200–202
Emergency, 64, 95, 129–30, 143–44
entering with a preordained solution, 129
examples of, 119–24, 149–56, 173–78, 227–34, 254–62
failure of first attempt at, 139–40
incomplete first attempt at, 144
for infants, 182–83
for kindergarteners, 193–95
as a last resort, 130
limits of, 168
mistaken for passivity, 146
overview of, 63–65
parental angst and, 159, 160, 163–65
premature consummation of, 136–37
Proactive, 64, 83–84, 95, 103, 129–30, 143
for problems among children, 149–53, 173–74, 227–30
qualities fostered through use of, 241–47
in the Real World, 249
resilience and, 223
reverting to Plan A from, 127–28
self-esteem and, 223
self-respect and, 223–24
skipping steps in, 137–39
spousal disagreement over, 221–23
talking encouraged by, 116–17
for toddlers/preschoolers, 184–85, 186–90
transparency in, 148
Plan C
described, 55
in early adolescence, 205, 208
for elementary schoolers, 196, 200
example of, 69–72
for kindergarteners, 192–93
overview of, 65–72
reasons for using, 66–69, 117–18
for toddlers/preschoolers, 185–86
Plans, 55–72. See also Plan A; Plan B; Plan C
Points of vulnerability, 14
Potty training, 185–91
information vs., 37–38
in the Real World, 247–49
search for a true kind of, 237
Powerlessness, feelings of, 159
Power struggles, 37, 101, 218–19
Preferences. See Characteristics
Preschoolers. See Toddlers/preschoolers
Proactive Plan B, 64, 83–84, 95, 103, 129–30, 143
Problem-Solving Partners, 83, 108, 129, 264
in early adolescence, 209
for elementary schoolers, 198–99, 202–3
for infants, 184
for toddlers/preschoolers, 190–91
Psychiatric diagnoses, 17, 198
Psychoeducational testing, 54
Puberty, 203
Punishment, 35–38, 45. See also Consequences; Corporal punishment
Real World, xii, 2, 3, 4, 18, 140, 147, 171, 266
power and control in, 247–49
school as preparation for, 202
Reflective listening, 86–87, 98–99, 131, 176
Reflexive negativity, 187
Religion, 252. See also Scripture
“Résumé virtues,” 238
Road to Character, The (Brooks), 25, 237
Rogers, Carl, 9
Role confusion, 1–7
Rules vs. expectations, 21–22
Sapiens: A Brief History of Humankind (Harari), 236
School, 196–205
academic challenges in, 196–99
behavioral expectations in, 199–203
corporal punishment in, 43, 250
elementary, 196–203
middle, 203–5
Plan A in, 249–52
Scripture, 4, 43–44. See also Religion
Self-absorption/selflessness dichotomy, 237, 252–53
Self-actualization, 9
Self-esteem, 223
Selfishness, 118–19
Self-respect, 223–24
Separation anxiety, 191–95
7 Habits of Highly Effective People (Covey), 116
Sink-or-swim approach, 73–74, 204
Skills vs. motivation, 37, 199, 264. See also Characteristics
Sleep issues (in infancy), 182–83
Solutions
child’s inability to generate, 136
child’s refusal to adhere to, 141
competing/conflicting, 101, 218–21, 247
enforcement of not required, 142
failure of first, 140
less than 100 percent adherence to, 141–42
non-durable, 113
preordained, 129
realistic and mutually satisfactory, 107–8, 136–37, 141, 164, 246–47, 264
reminders of, 142–43
Spanking. See Corporal punishment
Specific vs. global descriptions, 52, 84
Stress, 238
Superiority, parental assumption of, 238
Sweden, 42
Talking
encouraged by Plan B, 116–17
grilling vs., 86
Tantrums, 15
Testing, psychoeducational, 54
Toddlers/preschoolers, 14–16, 184–91
Tough love, 36
Uncertainty, living with, 169
UNICEF, 43
Unilateral problem-solving. See Plan A
Unnatural/artificial consequences, 40
Unsolved problems, 49–79. See also Plans
breaking into component parts, 89–90
child’s thoughts in the midst of, 88–89
determining the cause of, 54
effects on the child and others, 102–3
identifying, 49–51
introduction to, 84–85
listing, 50–53
situational variability of, 88
timing of approach to, 117
wording of, 51–52
Values. See Characteristics; Parental experience, wisdom, and values
Vulnerability, points of, 14
Wagner, Tony, 248
Weakness, fear of, 240
“Why” questions, avoiding, 87
Wisdom. See Parental experience, wisdom, and values
“W” questions, 87–88
Young adults, 215