Once all the bowls and glasses were upside-down on the draining rack, Nell presented Xander with a fresh glass of wine. He followed her back through to the living room, where she gestured for him to take a seat on the sofa.
It was an interesting array of furniture she’d put together. Nothing matched, from the modern curved glass coffee table to the twee chintz armchair. And yet ‘charmingly mismatched’ suited the place, somehow.
The sofa was a plush brown monster straight out of the 1970s, ugly as hell, but God, was it comfy. Xander sank back against the cushions and allowed himself to soak in the warmth of the crackling fire, letting out a deep sigh as the tension left his body.
‘I think that might be the most relaxed I’ve ever seen you,’ Nell said as she sat down next to him.
‘Yeah, this is nice. It’s good to get out for the evening. My mum’s lovely, but she can be a bit much when you have to see her every day.’
‘Your mum?’
He winced, feeling some of the tension creeping back again. ‘And I did not just mean to tell you that.’
‘You live with your mum?’
‘Only temporarily.’
‘Oh God.’ Now it was Nell’s turn to wince. ‘And I said—’
‘—you said how pathetic it must feel to move back in with your parents at our age.’ He shrugged. ‘Well, you’re not wrong.’
‘I didn’t mean pathetic. I just meant… you know. It would’ve felt like a step back, like being a kid again.’ She groaned and threw herself back against the cushions. ‘I’m digging an even bigger hole for myself here, aren’t I?’
Xander laughed. ‘Hey. Did you just turn into me?’
Nell laughed too. ‘Think I did. You must be catching. So how did you end up back with your mum then?’
‘Same as you. Break-up.’ He glanced around the room. ‘Is that where this lot came from? Did you get all the weird furniture in the split?’
She shrugged. ‘Most of this came from skips, if you want the brutal truth. People throw away some nice things, I’m broke and it seemed a shame to let it go to waste. Don’t judge.’
‘How did you get it here?’
‘Stevie’s been helping me. We make a pretty good skip-diving team actually. She’s only little so I hold her ankles while she fishes out the good stuff.’
‘I guess everyone needs a hobby.’ He shuffled to face her. ‘You two seem close these days.’
‘Yeah, I love being with Stevie. We just seemed to hit it off, you know?’
‘You’re not… I mean, not that it’s any of my business, but I couldn’t help… sorry. I’ll shut up.’
Nell rolled her eyes. ‘No we’re not. Lesbians aren’t obligated to be attracted to every woman they meet, Xander. Sometimes, radical as it might sound, people with compatible genders and sexualities can just be friends.’
‘So you are compatible? I mean, you’re, um… are you…’
‘I’m straight, if that’s what you’re fumbling around,’ Nell said. ‘Even if I wasn’t, there’s still the fifteen-year age gap. Plus the fact I’m her daughter’s teacher. Plus the fact you’re a cheeky sod for assuming.’ She put on her best teacher voice. ‘And we know what it makes when we assume, don’t we, class?’
Xander smiled. ‘It makes an ass out of you and me.’
‘Yep. Except in this case, where it just makes an ass out of you.’
‘Sorry. I didn’t want to make a fool of myself, that’s all.’
‘Make a fool of yourself how?’
Yeah, Xander, make a fool of yourself how? By offering her your body? Begging to remove every item of her clothing with your teeth? The wine must be going to his head.
‘It’s just that if there’s a way to put my foot in something, I’m the man to do it.’ He swiftly changed the subject, before he dug himself in any further. ‘So it was a broken engagement that sent you here looking for a new start? That sounds unpleasant.’
Nell grimaced. ‘It really was. We were only a month from the wedding too.’
‘So I guess I shouldn’t ask, right?’
She smiled. ‘Well, I’ll tell you my miserable break-up story if you tell me yours.’
‘OK. But you go first.’
‘I found out he’d cheated on me,’ she said with a sigh. ‘Right before the wedding, that old cliché. But this was a bit different.’
‘Why was it different?’
‘Well it was on his stag do, for a start.’
‘Shit, really?’
‘Yep. With the stripper his mates had booked for him. In Blackpool. While dressed as a sumo wrestler.’ Nell knocked back a big glug of wine. ‘Which they filmed. And which then went viral on social media.’
‘Jesus Christ!’
‘You can search for it if you want. The hashtag’s #DeepThroatSumo.’
‘I’ll pass, thanks. God, what a bastard.’
‘Yeah.’ She shook her head, her brow knitting. ‘I mean, I knew he was a different person with his mates than he was with me. I knew he could sometimes be a dick when he was pissed. But I never thought he was capable of doing something like that to me. The grief over the end of the relationship was almost drowned out by the epic humiliation of it.’
‘But not quite.’
Nell blinked hard. ‘No. Not quite.’ She looked up to meet his eyes. ‘So come on then, your turn. Reckon you can top #DeepThroatSumo?’
‘I’m not sure anyone can top that.’ He stared into the fire’s dancing flames. ‘No, it was much more mundane for me – no hashtags. My girlfriend got offered a job up in Scotland. She wanted to go, I wanted to stay, so… here we are.’
‘Had you been together a long time?’
‘Eight years.’
‘Bloody hell, as long as that?’ Nell squeezed his knee. ‘Tough break. I’m sorry.’
He shrugged. ‘It was my fault. I’d not been an easy person to live with for about a year before she left. It was never really about the job; that was just an escape route for her. An excuse to bail out of the relationship guilt-free.’
‘What happened, love?’ Nell asked softly.
‘I could see the two of us were heading for a massive car crash and I did nothing to fix things – pushed her away whenever she tried to build bridges.’ He sighed. ‘She must’ve been lonely. I lost my dad, you see. That was the root of all our problems – well, my problems. Marie was just an innocent bystander caught in the crossfire.’
‘Aww, Xander.’ Nell didn’t move her hand from where it was resting on his knee. ‘Stevie said you’d had a rough few years but she wouldn’t tell me why.’
‘It was hard,’ he admitted. ‘I was so… angry, afterwards. Hurt, and angry, and then there was this completely crushing, overwhelming sense of loss that just didn’t seem to fit with the all-consuming rage. Marie couldn’t cope with me. I couldn’t cope with myself.’ He snorted and finished the rest of his wine. ‘But Mum was the one who really suffered. She found him.’
‘Your dad?’
‘Yeah. She found him…’ He choked back a sob. ‘Don’t ask me.’
‘I’m sorry,’ Nell said gently. ‘I won’t ask anything.’
‘It was… he did it to himself. I mean, he took his own life. In the fucking house, for Christ’s sake. In my mum’s house, Nell.’
‘Shit! Xander, that’s… oh God. I’m so sorry.’
‘And now Mum has to live with that image burned into her brain, forever. Did the selfish bastard even think about that – about her? No wonder she…’ He looked up, pleading in his eyes. ‘We never even knew he was depressed.’
‘That’s OK. It’s OK for you not to have known. It’s not always visible.’
‘Is it OK to be angry? Is it OK to still love him, and miss him, and hate his fucking guts all at the same time?’
‘Everything’s OK. He was your dad and this is your grief. No one gets to decide what’s right and wrong for you to feel.’ She put her wine glass down on the table and looked up at him. ‘Would you have to give me a disciplinary for sexual harassment if I gave you a hug right now?’
He smiled weakly. ‘No, we’re off the clock.’
‘Good, because I’m going to give you one anyway.’
She wrapped her arms around him, an action that under normal circumstances would have sent his heart pounding with anxiety as he worried about the many ways he could mess things up. But this time, it kind of felt… fine. Right. He relaxed in her embrace, his arms tightening around her perfect, reassuringly Nell-shaped body, and inhaled the fresh, smoky scent of her hair.
‘Thanks,’ he whispered.
She reached up to run her fingers through his hair. ‘You’re a lost sort of soul, aren’t you, Xander Scott?’
‘If that’s a poetic way of saying I never quite fit in anywhere, then yes, spot on.’
Nell held him back to look into his face. He took his glasses off and ran the back of his hand over his eyes, aware they were wet with tears.
She reached up to pull his hand away. ‘Don’t do that. Don’t hide yourself from me.’
‘Sorry.’
‘And for God’s sake, stop apologising all the time. You’ve got nothing to apologise for.’ She ran soft fingertips over his damp cheek. ‘You know, Xander, I reckon you fit with me pretty well.’
There was a little smile at the corner of her mouth. Her fingers were still resting on his face, her eyes locked into his. And for once, every non-Xanderish cell in his body, every nerve and impulse that proclaimed they were just two people and this was right, absolutely right, joined forces to nudge him on. For Christ’s sake, kiss her! they yelled. Don’t worry about messing it up, just get the hell on with it. Look, she wants you to.
His eyes had started to close, his head tilt forward, when a loud rap sounded at the front door and made them both jump.
‘One of them must have left something,’ Nell said, disentangling herself from his embrace. ‘Hang on, Xand. Hold that thought.’
She went to answer it. Xander, trying his best to hold that thought, put his glasses back on and followed her to the door.
There was a young man on the step: dark, tall, good-looking in a rough around the edges, designer-stubbly kind of way, with a big holdall slung over one shoulder. He looked sort of… trendy. And Xander realised he’d just thought the word ‘trendy’, which meant he was officially ninety years old.
As soon as the mystery man caught sight of Nell, he picked her up and swung her around in his arms.
‘Nelliephant, you unspeakably gorgeous sight for sore eyes! Guess who’s come to pay you a surprise visit?’
She laughed. ‘I guess Freddie. Put me down, you daft git. What the hell are you doing here?’
The man pouted. ‘I told you, surprise visit. What, are you not pleased to see me?’
‘Course I am. Bit of notice would’ve been nice, that’s all.’
‘Yeah. Thing about a surprise visit, Nell…’
‘Um,’ Xander said.
‘Oh.’ Nell turned to face him. ‘Sorry, Xand. This is my annoying baby brother Freddie, who likes to turn up at my house unannounced just to piss me off. Fred, this is Xander Scott, a work colleague.’
Brother. Xander almost sighed with relief. ‘Hi, Freddie. Really great to meet you.’
Freddie eyed the hand Xander offered suspiciously before deigning to shake it. ‘Yeah, mate. And you.’
‘Nell, I’d better go,’ Xander said. ‘You two must have catching-up to do. I’ll see you Monday at school, OK?’
‘OK.’ She squeezed his arm as he passed her to leave. ‘Thanks for tonight, Xand.’
Xander floated dreamily back down the garden path and out of the gate, almost tripping over the sheep as he left.
‘So, sis, who’s the geek?’ Freddie asked once Xander was out of earshot.
Nell shooed him into the house. ‘Don’t call him a geek, Fred.’
‘Why not? He is a geek.’
‘Yeah, but it suits him. You make it sound like an insult.’
‘Who is he then? New boyfriend?’
‘He’s my boss. And likely to stay just my boss thanks to you, you big gooseberry.’
He laughed. ‘What, seriously? Did I interrupt you about to jump his bones?’
‘No you did not. We were just… lingering. You know, eye-wise. What do you want, anyway?’
‘Just to see what’s what. We hardly got a chance to talk over Christmas.’ He looked at her keenly. ‘So you found her then.’
‘I told you, she found me.’ Nell smiled. ‘And Freddie, she’s just perfect.’