It took Xander and Stevie over an hour to get to Nell’s parents’ place in the suburbs of Leeds. When they reached the Shackletons’ cul-de-sac, Stevie parked a little way away and they walked down to the house, just in case Nell got spooked by the sight of her car.
‘I’ll go knock,’ Xander said. ‘You wait out of sight a minute. It might overwhelm her if we both turn up together.’
Stevie nodded. ‘You’re right, that’ll be best. I don’t know how I’m going to react to seeing her. I can watch through the hedge and hopefully get over any strong emotions before she spots me.’
Xander walked up to the front door and rang the bell, his heart in his throat.
‘Oh,’ Nell’s dad said when he answered. ‘It’s you.’
‘Er, yeah. Hi, Colin.’
‘Mr Shackleton to you.’
‘Right.’
‘What do you want, lad?’
‘Well, to see Nell. She is here, isn’t she?’
‘I don’t see that it’s any business of yours whether she’s here or not.’ Colin looked him up and down, oozing hostility. ‘And I’m not sure you seeing her is such a good idea, are you? She’s quite fragile at the moment, I’m sure you can understand why.’
‘I know, I know, and no thanks to me,’ Xander muttered.
‘Well, I didn’t say that. But you’re right, it is no thanks to you.’
‘I’m sorry. I came to tell her I’m sorry. Can’t I just see her?’
‘Look, whatever your name was—’
‘Xander.’
‘Look, Xander,’ Colin said in a low voice. ‘I don’t appreciate taking calls from my little girl in hysterics because she’s not only been rejected by her mum, but some wanker’s broken her heart on top of it. She never stopped crying the whole drive home.’
Xander winced in shame. ‘Look, I’m sorry, OK? I just want to talk to her. I… love her. Can you at least tell her I love her?’
‘I don’t think so, do you?’ Colin started to close the door, but Xander held his hand against it.
‘Colin, wait! Please. It’s not just me. There’s someone else here who wants to talk to her.’
He beckoned to Stevie behind the hedge and she came to join them, looking nervous.
‘Hi,’ she said quietly.
‘Oh.’ Colin’s frown lifted. ‘Stevie. Hello, love.’
‘I, um… I was hoping to talk to your Nell. I owe her an apology and… well, a hug, I think, if she’ll let me. Can you ask her if she’d like to see me?’
‘I’m sorry, I’m afraid she’s not here. She was, but she went out a little while ago.’
‘Are you telling us the truth?’ Xander asked.
‘Why wouldn’t I be? I know she’d want to see Stevie.’ He shot Xander a look. ‘You, I’m not so sure about.’
‘Where’s she gone, Colin? Not back to Leyholme?’
‘No, to visit her brother at his mum’s place. She said there was something urgent she needed his help with.’
Xander turned to look at Stevie. ‘Why would she go there, do you think?’
‘I suppose she might want to talk to Freddie, if she was upset. He was the one who helped her find me.’
‘Hmm.’ He turned back to Colin. ‘What was the something urgent, did she say?’
‘No idea. Whatever it was, it obviously couldn’t wait. She’d only been here an hour when she practically flew out of the door again.’
‘Oh God.’ Stevie put a hand on Xander’s arm. ‘Xand. I think I know what she’s planning.’
‘Do you? What?’
She shook her head ominously. ‘Nothing good.’
Nell banged again at the front door.
‘Come on, you bastard,’ she muttered. ‘I know you’re in there.’
She stepped back to look at the house, feeling a surge of rage at its offensively civilised, clinging-ivy luxury. This was the last place he’d deserved to end up settled.
Reuben lived in an innocent-looking sandstone cottage with a meticulously well-kept garden. The front lawn was surrounded by high hedges – her biological father was obviously someone who set privacy at a high price.
The door was eventually answered by a bespectacled, red-cheeked man with a bald crown and sizeable tummy. He was wearing a faded T-shirt and mud-stained jeans, with a pair of ugly plastic Crocs on his sockless feet.
‘Sorry, love, I was gardening round the back.’ He wiped soiled hands on his jeans. ‘Can I help you?’
‘Reuben Dyson?’ she said, casting a look at the beer paunch filling out his old T-shirt.
‘Yes, that’s me. Do I know you?’
‘No.’ Nell brought her palm crashing into his cheek. ‘But you fucking raped my mum, didn’t you, you son of a bitch?’
‘Dyson. Reuben Dyson,’ Stevie told Xander as they drove out of Leeds. ‘Oak Lane Secondary, left in… must’ve been 1992.’
‘Age?’
‘Forty-five or forty-six. I think he was living in Steeton back then.’
‘OK. That’s an unusual enough name, I can’t imagine he’ll be too hard to track down. Especially if he stayed in the area.’
‘That’s what I’m worried about,’ Stevie muttered, her eyes fixed on the road. ‘Shit, Xand, what if she’s there now? She might be in trouble.’
Xander looked up, worry etched on his features. ‘You don’t think this guy’s dangerous?’
‘I don’t know. Probably not. I’m more concerned about what Nell might do while she’s angry and irrational.’
‘Something illegal, you mean?’
‘That’s what I’m worried about. Assault, criminal damage… God, Xander, the poor kid’s holding onto a lifetime of hurt. Reuben’s going to feel the full force of that.’ Stevie glanced at him in the rearview mirror. ‘Just find him, please, before she does something she can’t take back.’
‘I’m on it,’ Xander said, tapping at his phone. ‘I’ll try the social media sites first. If the school’s got an alumni page, his profile might be on the list of followers. That ought to tell us where in the country he’s living, assuming he’s got the standard privacy settings, then we can get his full address from the directory site we used before.’
‘I’ll pull over while you search,’ Stevie said, indicating into a layby. ‘We might be driving in completely the wrong direction for all we know.’
‘Aha!’ Xander said after fifteen minutes’ intense stalking.
‘What? Did you find a match?’
‘Yes, I think I’ve got him. Here, tell me if this guy looks familiar. He posted some old photos to Oak Lane’s Facebook group.’
Stevie looked at the grinning teenager in his sports kit and flinched hard. ‘Yeah, that’s the bastard.’
‘Nice of him to make it easy for us.’ Xander frowned. ‘Are you OK, Stevie?’
‘I’ll be fine. Just tell me where I need to go.’
‘Take the second exit at the next roundabout. We’re heading towards Skipton.’
‘Right.’ She started the engine again.
‘Nell’s got a head start on us though,’ Xander said. ‘Colin said she set off for Freddie’s mum’s a while ago, and that’s half an hour closer to Dyson than we are.’
‘But she doesn’t know as much as we know. She’s not got a surname, for one thing, and she doesn’t know the school either. Even with her brother’s help, it’ll take them a little while to dig up enough about him to get an address.’
‘True. If you put your foot down, maybe we can get there before she does.’
‘Or before she’s done anything stupid,’ Stevie muttered.
It took them nearly forty-five minutes to reach the village on the outskirts of Skipton where Reuben Dyson now lived. Xander directed Stevie down a leafy rural street and she parked the car.
‘This is it?’ she whispered.
‘No, it’s the next street along. I thought we’d better park out of sight.’
He turned to open his door, but Stevie put a hand on his arm. When he looked at her, her face was white and bloodless.
‘What’s up?’
‘Xander, the last time I saw this guy, he…’ She shuddered. ‘Have you ever had that thing where you wake up in the night and you can’t move?’
‘Sleep paralysis? Yeah, a couple of times.’
‘Terrifying, isn’t it? Like there’s a heavy weight on your chest and all you want to do is cry out, but when you try to open your mouth you realise you can’t make a sound.’ She felt her gag reflex convulse. ‘Like being pinned to the ground by the weight of someone’s body. That’s the recurring nightmare that goes with my night terrors.’
Xander closed the door again and sat back.
‘I never realised,’ he said quietly. ‘Did you ask him to stop?’
‘No, but I was crying. That’s quite a clear signal, I would’ve thought.’
‘So it was rape.’
Stevie stared down at her hands, which were trembling. ‘Perhaps it was. But if I call it that, it means that’s where she came from. Jemima.’ She choked on a sob. ‘I did love her, Xand. I hated myself for seeing him in something so innocent. I hated that the very thing that made her was the thing that stopped her from being mine.’
‘You don’t have to do this, Stevie,’ he said, taking her hand. ‘Let me go.’
‘No.’ She wiped her eyes. ‘It’s time. I have to face him.’
‘It might be too much for you. This bastard’s caused you enough pain.’
‘You’re right, he has. And now he might be hurting our Nell.’ She squared her shoulders and opened the door. ‘Come on.’
‘Jesus!’ Reuben said, holding a hand to his cheek where Nell had slapped him. ‘What the hell do you think you’re doing?’
‘Giving you what you deserve, you evil bastard,’ she said in a voice low with strangling rage. ‘Do you even know how many lives you’ve ruined?’
‘You’re insane. I’ve never seen you before in my life.’ He tried to slam the door, but Nell jammed her foot in the way.
‘Have you got any kids, Reuben?’
‘What?’
‘Well, have you?’
‘No I haven’t. And if that was a threat, you’re playing games with the wrong man. I’m actually a personal friend of our local chief inspector, if you’re interested.’ He called to someone over his shoulder. ‘Vicky, call the police, can you?’
A person, who Nell assumed must be his wife, appeared at the door.
‘Reuben, what’s going on here?’ she demanded, looking Nell up and down. ‘Who is this woman?’
‘Mrs Dyson, I presume,’ Nell said, smiling brightly. ‘Tell me, what’s your view on coercive sex with underage girls? Reuben’s a big fan. Although perhaps you know that.’
‘What’s she talking about?’ Mrs Dyson asked her husband.
‘No idea. She just turned up on the doorstep ranting and raving, then she attacked me.’ He rubbed his cheek. ‘Call 999, can you, and get them to send someone out before she starts running riot around the neighbourhood. She’s a drunk or a mental case, I suppose. Most likely both.’
‘You OK there, Mr Dyson?’ a voice, presumably that of a concerned neighbour, called through the hedge as Reuben’s wife disappeared back inside.
‘Fine, fine,’ Reuben called back. ‘Don’t worry, just a drunk. The police are on their way.’
‘So you’re really going to stand there and claim you don’t know what I mean, are you?’ Nell demanded, digging her foot in more firmly as Reuben made another attempt to shut the door. ‘Do not close that door on me, Reuben, unless you want me to shout down the street for everyone to hear what a misogynistic piece of shit you really are.’
Reuben let go of the door and cast a worried look in the direction of his neighbour’s place.
‘Look, I’ve got no idea what you’re talking about,’ he said in a low voice. ‘I think you’ve mixed me up with someone else.’
‘No, I know exactly who you are. Reuben Dyson, forty-six. IT professional, vice-chair of the local Neighbourhood Watch and part-time rapist of teenage girls. That’s you, right?’
‘You’d better watch what you’re saying,’ he snarled. ‘I don’t know how much you know about the law, young lady, but that’s what we call criminal slander. Where’s your evidence for this?’
‘Standing right in front of you, mate.’
He took a step back. ‘What?’
‘You heard. Better tell your missus to cancel that 999 call, don’t you think?’
He paused a long moment, tracing her features with his eyes. They lingered on the curve of her nose; the shape of her mouth.
‘Vic, can you hold that call?’ he yelled into the house. ‘I think she’s calming down a bit. I’ll handle it myself.’
‘All right, you’ve got my attention,’ he muttered to Nell. ‘Now keep your voice down. What’s your name?’
‘Jemima Madeleine. Ring any bells?’
He shook his head. ‘No it doesn’t. Would you mind telling me just what you’re accusing me of, Jemima?’
‘What about Stevie Madeleine, does that sound familiar?’
Again, he shook his head.
‘Jesus.’ Nell laughed in shock. ‘You genuinely don’t remember, do you? She’s had to live with the fallout from this her whole life and you… you don’t even know her fucking name.’
A voice she recognised rung through the air from somewhere behind Reuben’s high box hedge.
‘Nell! Nell, where are you?’
‘Oh my God,’ she muttered. ‘Xander?’
A second later, Xander appeared at the garden gate. He almost laughed with relief when he saw her there. As soon as he reached her, he pulled her into his arms, peppering kisses over her face and neck.
‘Nell, you bloody idiot,’ he sobbed. ‘Oh God, I was so worried about you. What the hell did you think you were doing?’
‘How did you find me, Xand?’
‘We followed you to your dad’s. When he said you’d gone to get Freddie’s help with something, we guessed what you must be planning.’
‘We? What we?’
‘Sorry, who are you now?’ Reuben asked him.
Xander turned to him, his arms wrapped protectively around Nell.
‘I’m with her,’ he growled. ‘And I ought to punch you in the face right now for what you did, you bastard.’
He shook his head in bemusement. ‘What the hell did I do?’
‘Like you don’t know.’ He turned back to Nell. ‘Sweetheart, why did you come here?’
‘I… had to. After what he did to her, I…’
She fell silent as she caught sight of the pale figure who’d appeared behind him.
‘Stevie,’ she whispered.
‘Nell.’
Xander stood to one side to let them talk.
‘You shouldn’t be here,’ Nell said.
‘When you were getting yourself into even more trouble than usual? Who else was going to come and save your backside?’
They looked at each other for a moment. Then before Nell knew what was happening, Stevie had folded her in a tight embrace.
‘Oh Nell, I’m so sorry,’ she whispered. ‘I didn’t do right by you.’
‘No, I was wrong.’ Nell let out a sobbing laugh as she wrapped her arms around Stevie’s neck. ‘I thought… I thought you couldn’t stand to look at me.’
‘Sweetie, it was me, not you. Don’t ever, ever think that.’
Stevie held Nell back to look into her face. She’d been worried, on the journey over, that their meeting might be another trigger – that she wouldn’t be able to control how her body reacted. But a stronger, more basic instinct than the trauma of her teenage experience seemed to have kicked in when she’d been worried Nell might have put herself in danger. The instinct to protect her child.
For the first time, Stevie became aware of her surroundings. She turned to look at the man watching the scene from his doorway and blinked a few times.
‘Reuben?’ she said in disbelief.
‘Good God, here’s another one,’ he muttered. ‘I should’ve lit the barbecue. I’m sorry, and you are?’
‘Seriously? You don’t know me?’
‘The prick doesn’t even remember,’ Nell told Stevie, glaring at him. ‘Can you believe this guy?’
‘Reuben, what on earth is happening out there? Who are you talking to now?’ Mrs Dyson appeared at his side again and blinked at the little group in front of her. ‘Oh my God. Is that…’ She laughed. ‘Bloody hell, it is. It’s Stevie Madeleine, isn’t it? I haven’t seen you since school. What are you doing here?’
Stevie stared at her. ‘You,’ she whispered.
‘Who is it, Stevie?’ Xander asked.
‘The Ghost of Shit Friends Past,’ Stevie said, glaring at the woman. ‘Hello, Victoria. So you married Reuben. Well, you certainly deserve each other.’
‘That’s right, I’d forgotten. You two hooked up that one time, didn’t you?’ Victoria trilled out a little laugh. ‘You’ve left it a bit late to come back for seconds, Stevie.’
Stevie smiled. ‘Oh, Victoria. Haven’t changed a bit, have you?’
‘I don’t remember any of this,’ Reuben muttered.
‘No, you were falling down drunk,’ Victoria told him. ‘She threw herself at you at some party; it was embarrassing.’
‘You threw me at him, you nasty little bitch,’ Stevie spat.
‘What, and… did she have a baby?’ Reuben said.
‘Yeah. Her dad tried to hush it up but everyone knew. She had to finish her GCSEs somewhere else after that.’ Victoria turned to sneer at Stevie. ‘She hasn’t turned up here trying to claim you were the brat’s dad, has she? Don’t listen to her, Reuben. She must’ve opened her legs for half the boys in our year.’
‘Jesus,’ Nell whispered to Xander. ‘She’s worse than he is.’ She made a move to step forward, but Xander put a restraining hand on her arm.
‘I think Stevie needs to do this for herself,’ he muttered. ‘Let her handle it, Nell. It’s helping her.’
Nell looked at Stevie. Xander was right. She’d been pale when she arrived, and sort of fearful-looking, but now she was standing tall, arms folded, as she faced her past.
‘I think you’d better go back inside,’ Reuben said to his wife. ‘This seems to be between me and her.’
‘I’m not going anywhere.’
‘Vicky, please! You’re making things worse.’ He lowered his voice. ‘It could do us some damage if these people start spreading this stuff around.’
‘Fine. But I’ll be right next to the phone if it all kicks off.’ Victoria cast a last resentful look at Stevie, then disappeared into the house.
When she’d gone, Reuben turned to Stevie, for the first time wearing an expression that might be something approaching shame.
‘Look, I’m sorry,’ he said. ‘I don’t remember. But if I did something to hurt you, I’m sorry for it.’
Stevie turned to Nell and Xander.
‘Can you guys wait for me in the car?’ she said quietly. ‘I want to talk to Reuben for a minute.’
Nell cast a glance at Reuben. ‘Are you sure? I don’t like leaving you alone with him.’
‘It’s OK, Nell. I need to do this.’
Nell looked into her eyes and nodded once. She and Xander turned to go.
‘Hey.’ Reuben reached out to touch her arm, but she shuddered and jerked it away. ‘Are you really… I mean, um…’
Nell nodded. ‘Believe me, I’m no happier about it than you are.’
‘Could I… could we… I could maybe give you my number or something.’
‘Or you could stay the hell away from me. Goodbye, Reuben.’ She let Xander lead her away, sagging, spent and exhausted, against his shoulder.
‘So,’ Stevie said to Reuben when they were alone. ‘You don’t remember.’
He flushed. ‘No. When did it happen?’
‘You were in Year 12. Sixteen or seventeen. I was in Year 10.’
‘Shit!’
‘That’s right. Fourteen years old.’
‘Did I know that?’
‘You knew. And I was a virgin, Reuben, whatever your wife chooses to tell you. The fact that I sobbed through the whole thing didn’t seem to put you off though.’ She shivered. ‘You don’t remember and I have to remember every day. How helpless and scared I was. The names you called me in sordid little whispers. The pain of having to give my child away because she reminded me so strongly of that night – of you.’
‘Look, I’m sorry, OK?’ he said again, looking shrunken somehow. ‘I must’ve been very drunk. If I’d been sober I never would’ve… that’s not the man I am, Stephie.’
‘Stevie. For God’s sake, you got me pregnant. At least make the effort to remember my fucking name.’
‘Stevie then,’ he said. ‘I swear, I’m not the boy who did those things to you. I’m… I’m a pillar of the community. I give to charities – I win prizes for my begonias, for Christ’s sake! They made me president of the Rotary Club last month.’
Stevie almost laughed at the helpless expression on his face as he said this.
‘You know the memory of that night nearly stopped me from ever being able to have a healthy relationship?’ she said. ‘I felt dirty and ashamed for so long afterwards, I honestly believed I could never fall in love. And through all the guilt and the flashbacks and the nightmares that woke me up screaming, I remembered you, Reuben. The bulk of you, pinning me down while I sobbed; holding my arms in place so I couldn’t move. You became something almost inhuman in my mind, a monster forever lurking in the shadows.’ She looked him up and down, taking in the supremely non-threatening Crocs, the faded T-shirt and overhanging beer gut. ‘But you’re nothing, are you? Just a tiny little man with tiny little thoughts. You can’t hurt me, not any more.’
‘I said I was sorry. I wish it hadn’t happened, but I can’t take it back.’ He lowered his voice. ‘You won’t tell anyone about this, will you? I’m a respected man in this community. It wouldn’t be fair to let one youthful indiscretion ruin me, I hope you see that.’
‘Youthful indiscretion? For fuck’s sake, is that what you’re calling this?’ Stevie laughed in disbelief. ‘Smoking a joint’s a youthful indiscretion, Reuben, not forcing yourself on a fourteen-year-old girl.’
‘You won’t though, will you?’
She laughed again. ‘Oh, don’t you worry. Your position at the Rotary Club is safe.’
He visibly sagged with relief. ‘Thank you.’
‘I should be the one thanking you. It turns out that all this time, this was exactly what I needed. Just to face you and see what a pathetic human being you actually are. Goodbye, Reuben.’
She turned to go.
‘Er, hey,’ he said. ‘That girl…’
‘Nell.’
‘Nell? She said Jemima.’
‘That was her birth name. What about her?’
‘Can you tell her… I mean, if she ever wants to talk, I’ll be here. We’d have to keep it quiet, obviously, but I’m sure we could work something out.’
‘I’ll tell her. But I doubt she’ll want to be your shameful little secret, if I had to take a stab at what her answer was going to be. If you decide she matters more to you than your standing at the Rotary Club, perhaps she might reconsider.’
Stevie cast a last look at the house, with its trim, dull little garden and ivy around the door – the picture of refined domesticity. It made her laugh softly to herself, although she didn’t know why. Then, her demons buried at long last, she strode off back to the car.