IT’S BEEN SIX DAYS since my world fractured. And four days of avoiding school. If I went, I’m sure to be the focus of the whispered gossip travelling over everyone’s lips. I can’t bear the thought of their judging stares as they study my barely concealed bruises. But most of all, I can’t bear the thought of the disappointed look that Tyler is sure to give me. For some reason, that is what I dread the most. His opinion of me matters. So much so, that I don’t want him to be disappointed that I’m not strong enough to walk away.
I don’t understand my attachment—we barely know each other—yet I felt a friendship forming after one day of talking with him. I regret not being able to know him better. I think he would’ve been a good friend. But I understand Nick’s aversion to him. When I think about his face—his square jaw covered in scruff, his sky blue eyes, broad shoulders, full lips—I can see why Nick would feel intimidated.
It’s funny how I never thought about it before. I guess I’ve had blinders on for anyone other than Nick, but Tyler truly is handsome. Ruggedly handsome. I know plenty of other girls in our class that think the same, but I never thought about it before. Maybe Nick knocked off the rose-coloured glasses that were skewing my vision when he hit me. Now I can see the man I married isn’t as deserving of the pedestal I put him on.
A knock on the door startles me from my thoughts, and I wonder who would be coming to see me.
How will I explain the bruising on my face to my visitor?
I’m suddenly self-conscious of the baggy sweats and slouchy tee that are draped loosely over my body in addition to my injuries. I’ve opted to dwarf my small self in these clothes in an attempt to provide me with some comfort. It’s a minute luxury, but it helps to contrast the uncomfortable damage to my face.
Resolving to suck it up, I hurry over and open the door before I can think too much about it. But the person waiting on the other side gives me a reason to pause.
An unhappy Tyler stands paralyzed at the sight of me. His shock gets heated, and he becomes a mixture of anger and concern. His eyebrows pull in with intense emotion as he reaches to touch my face. I flinch just before he makes contact, preempting the pain that’s about to follow. He draws back his hand with a jolt. Saddened and defeated.
Without a word, he’s made the reality of everything come into focus, and I begin to cry. The look on his face solidifies the truthfulness of what I’ve convinced myself was a bad nightmare. I can’t hide the facts behind my closed door anymore. He sees them, painted over my face, in black, blue, purple and yellow.
I fall into his arms, needing comfort. Needing to feel the strength that doesn’t harm me, but heals me. He wraps around me protectively, squeezing gently, while wetness streams over my cheeks. He holds me up. My legs can’t hold me any longer. He presses his lips to the top of my head, and I feel the weight of my sadness dissipate through the kiss. He somehow has the power to syphon the hurt, the loneliness, and cloud the memories that have haunted me since they happened.
Tyler’s coarse voice breaks when he finally speaks, “You deserve so much better than this, Allie.”
I hug him tighter, knowing this may be the only time I feel relief from the disparaging events in my life.
His chin moves over my hair as he searches left and right. “I made sure your husband wasn’t here before I came, but do you mind if I come in?” he asks hopefully. “I don’t want the neighbours to see that I’m here.”
I silently nod my head and lead him inside. The warm air outside follows him in, and I close the door. We stand in the entry, not sure of what to say. I wrap my arms around my body, suddenly embarrassed that I allowed myself to fall apart in front of him. Of clinging to him like my life depended on it.
“Do you want to sit down?” I offer, needing to make things more comfortable.
“Yeah. That would be great. Thanks.”
I lead him into the living room, and we both relax into the plush cushions of the sofa. My hands fidget in my lap. Tyler places his large hand over them to calm their dance.
“Allie, I’m sorry if me being here is making you nervous, but you haven’t been in school for the past few days and I…I was getting worried.” He narrows his eyes thoughtfully. “After knowing about your…situation, I needed to know you were okay?”
I nibble on my lip nervously, considering my answer. I could lie and tell him I’ll be fine. But for some reason, I know I can trust him with the truth.
“But I’m not.” My lip quivers and I feel my dam burst. Everything I’m feeling rushes in. “I feel lost, Tyler. I feel like everything I’ve been shown in my life has been covered with a pretty mask to hide the ugliness underneath. And I’m scared—I’m so scared. I don’t know which Nick I’m going to get. It’s like I roll a dice, and if I’m lucky, he’s the Nick I’ve always known. Then other times, he’s this person I don’t recognize. I don’t know the person he is when he’s angry. It’s like he’s possessed with something evil until the good side of him is able to eliminate it. He’s still my husband. And I know the person I’ve known is still in there. I don’t know what to do. What should I do?”
“I think you need to get as far away from him as possible. But that’s your decision. I can’t make that choice for you. But I really hope you do before something more serious than this…” He signals to my face. “…happens. It hurts me to see you like this. Please don’t let anything else happen, Allie,” he pleads with me. He tries to conceal his emotion, but I can feel it. It applies immense pressure on my chest.
We share a connection through his sister. My situation is too familiar for him not to see the similarities. It tethers us together. He’s seen the destination of the path I’m on. His warning is meant to deter me from following it to the end. Where the exit has collapsed, and the only way out is down.
“Allie?” he clasps my hands between his. They’re so warm and comforting. “Do you understand what I’m saying?”
“Yes. I understand.”
“Allie, I care about what happens to you. You might not have noticed me before, but I’ve seen you in class. I’ve seen how you shelter yourself from everyone around you. You’re beautiful inside and out. The world is missing out on what you have to offer. You need someone that will show you that, not force you to hide it.”
My emotions are across the spectrum, but his words focus them. I lean toward him. My heart flutters inside my chest. His words are so beautiful. He’s beautiful. He looks at me wide-eyed, breathing heavily as I lean closer and closer. My eyes close as I prepare to feel again. I sense he’s near. I can feel his breath caressing across my lips. The soft of them, and the roughness of his beard, just barely skim the surface before he groans and leans his forehead against mine, stopping a potentially horrible mistake. I let my loneliness cloud my judgement, and I’m so thankful he had enough awareness to stop it.
“You’re not thinking straight. I don’t want you to do something you’ll regret later. If you leave your husband, and you’re ready to move on, then I’d be crazy to say no. But until this…” He raises my left hand and kisses my ring finger. “…doesn’t belong to someone else, I have to.”
I bite my lip to fight back the tears. “Nick didn’t care about my feelings when he brought a girl home,” I say with a little spite in my tone.
Tyler’s eyes bulge, and he clenches his teeth angrily.
“He what?” His jaw ticks as he restrains his true feelings about Nick’s indiscretion. He’s holding onto them by a thin thread.
He doesn’t want to scare me. I can see how protective he’s become. He’s furious for me. For the betrayal I’ve had to endure.
“Two days after you brought me home, he had another woman here. In our bed. He said we’re even.”
“He’s an asshole,” he says firmly. “I want you to know I’m sugar-coating it. I’ll settle for that because I don’t want to offend you, but he’s a first-class asshole.”
I can’t help it. I laugh. Hard. There was nothing funny about what he said. It was the truth. An unadulterated version of the truth. Yet there’s something about the way he said it. The defensiveness of it. Or maybe it’s my need to feel something other than sadness. It struck me as funny, and I’m in a full-blown fit of laughter within seconds.
His endearing smile mirrors my own, and we both laugh wholeheartedly. The heavy moment is gone. And when I come down from my hysteria, I lean my head on Tyler’s shoulder while we hold his hands. I like how mine fit in his.
I sigh, feeling contented for the first time in a long time.
Enjoying each other’s company, we sit in silence for a little while longer. His fingers play with mine, and I snuggle into his warm side. I really needed this. I needed Tyler today. No one else could have brought me back from the edge of depression so easily.
He really is a good friend.