AFTER TYLER LEFT A short time later, I was able to curl up on the sofa, without the jumbled mess of thoughts I had prior to his visit. He was able to take away the veil of Nick’s apologies that were clouding my vision, and he allowed me to see the situation for what it is. Abusive. Controlling. Manipulative.
Nick has become a puppet master, pulling on my heartstrings, using them to gain forgiveness. He uses the fact that my love for him alters my perception of what our reality is. He won’t get help. And I refuse to be his punching bag.
I always promised myself that if I ever got in a situation like the one I’m in, I would leave. No second chances. I’d be out the door before the person I was with could convince me to stay with pretty words and promises of change. It’s so easy to be brave when you’re looking in from the outside. But when you go through it, you don’t see the situation you’re in until it’s too late. At that point, your heart’s invested. You love them. You’re blinded by that love. You want them to change. And you want to be the reason they change. But unless they see their flaws for what they are, and actively make an effort to change, they won’t. They’ll never change.
As I’m placing my dinner on the table, I’m surprised to hear Nick coming through the door. My shoulders become rigid, and I wait to see which version of him I get today.
After he puts away his briefcase, he walks over to me and wraps his arms around my waist. He snuggles his nose into the hair at the base of my neck and inhales deeply.
“God, I’ve missed you.”
Those simple words, spoken with such sincerity, slip beneath my defences, causing the armour I’d donned prior his arrival to fall away.
Why does he make me so weak?
“I missed you too,” my traitorous lips reply. My resolve is waning as he caresses my side gently. Lovingly.
I fight to say the words I’ve resigned to say.
Be strong.
“Nick, we need to talk.”
He lowers his head, knowingly, and wordlessly sits at the table next to me.
I take a deep breath and muster all my strength to say what needs to be said.
“I haven’t changed my mind. I still want a divorce. I can’t live with you anymore.”
The look of shock on his face causes a sharp pain in my stomach. It clenches at the thought of walking away from my first love, but I have to remember that he caused this. I’m not the one to blame.
“Please, Pixie. Give me another chance. I’m going to do better,” he vows with conviction. “I know I lost my temper—my sanity—but please don’t leave me. It won’t happen again.” He falls to the floor and crawls on his knees in front of me. He hugs around my waist, pleading, “Please give me the chance to make this right. You are my world, Allie. Please don’t leave me.”
“I…I have to.”
“Says who? Allie, if I lose you, I’m scared I’ll turn into my father. I feel him growing inside me. I don’t want to be like him. I need you. Please, help me,” he begs. He chokes on his tears as he pleads with me. My heart breaks with every sob.
I try to remind myself of all the reasons why.
“Nick, you hurt me. I never thought you would ever hurt me like you did. You hit me! You cheated on me! How could you do that to me?! You can’t blame your father for that. That was all you!”
“Pixie, I was so jealous, I couldn’t see straight. It doesn’t excuse what I did, but I see now that you would never cheat on me.” Guilt for what I almost did fills me. I’m not as without fault as he thinks. He continues to implore, “I’m so sorry. Please forgive me. I love you, Pixie. I will always love you.”
My protective walls continue to crumble around me. Brick by brick with every plea and promise. And I forgivingly melt into his welcoming arms. I’ve allowed myself to be vulnerable to him. I returned my heart to his hands where he has the power to crush it at will. I’m putting my faith in his love. That he will keep it safe, and not hurt it anymore. It’s a faith based on a sandy foundation. One that could disperse with a mere slight of his hand. But I have to trust that he’ll keep his promise…and never hurt me again.