THE CONSTANT USE OF pain medication is dulling its ability to help. My body is conditioning itself against the aid. It wants to be self-sufficient but doesn’t have the capability to do so. It can’t heal quickly enough.
Even still, the agony left behind by the physical bruises, pales in comparison to the psychological ones that just won’t go away. They’re branded in my head and my heart, and I feel helpless. I can’t make them go away. It’s impossible because they’re embedded so deep that they’ve formed scars. They may fade with time, but they’ll always be there where my skin has thinned. And I risk tearing them open every time I’m hurt.
I can’t stay here.
He’ll keep hurting me.
The Nick I love is being replaced with an impostor. He’s someone unrecognizable to me. It’s like his father has possessed him. He’s emulating the man he described in his stories. The man who beat him. Confined him in a closet for amusement. Verbally abused him. He was a despicable man—who took advantage of his authority—and instilled his madness into someone who was undeserving of it. Now the good man I married is fading into a ghost, and my fingers can’t seem to hold on long enough to draw him back before he crosses over.
I get to see glimpses…moments where he fights to maintain his control, but my heart struggles to beat every time he leaves me, and the stranger takes his place.
I struggle to get up. I’ve been beaten too many times. My body can’t find the motivation to leave my dream world and enter the real one. The one that doesn’t share the same appeal.
It’s draining. Disheartening. Too heavy of a burden for my weakened state. The only catalyst pushing me forward is the thought of seeing Tyler again. He’s seen me through the worst times and compels me to do more. He encourages me to fight for myself…for the life I deserve. He wants me to have the freedom that was stolen from me.
I scan the inside, and around the perimeter of our house for Nick. He was supposed to be leaving for his firm ten minutes ago, but I want to make sure he’s not lurking somewhere, waiting for me to reattempt my escape.
After I verify his absence, I throw on an old hoodie and conceal my face under its covering, then, I pull on a pair of yoga pants—essentially hiding all evidence of the latest attack. My plan is to find Tyler and enlist his help.
I’ve tried to disappear on my own, but I see now that Nick’s connections go too far. With the aid of his friends on the police force and political associations, there’s no limit to the resources he can tap into to find me. I hate to drag Tyler into this, but I’ve expended my other options.
I know it’s selfish.
I should accept full responsibility for the situation I’ve gotten myself into. But I need him. Selfishly, I need him to hold me and tell me it will all be okay. I can’t do this alone. He told me I don’t need to. That he’d be here for me whenever I needed him. But is it wrong of me to ask for his help? To drag him into the craziness? I fear the threat to my life demands me to.
I push open the school door and make my way inside. The corridors resemble a beehive. Swarms of students—many of them with a coffee in hand, and their faces directed squarely at their phones—dart from room to room, autonomously carrying out the tasks of their daily routines. Amid the chaos, I search for one particular handsome, scruffy face. I circle around the places he should be, and find him just about to enter the lecture hall for Programming Languages. I step in front of him—still hidden beneath my hood—to keep him from entering. I watch his feet as they plant firmly in place, and follow languidly up his body until I reach his eyes. My fear of rejection is strong. But when I see his longing expression, I melt into his arms. I know he’ll protect me.
I’m not alone anymore.
He tightens his hold around my shoulders, though I flinch against the throbbing in my body. He immediately backs off and holds me at an arm’s length, but I pull him back, clinging to my lifeline.
I’m willingly to suffer the pain just to be held by him.
He presses a kiss to the top of my head, then gently unfolds me from around his waist and leads me into our previous meeting spot to give us some privacy. His hands push the edges of my hood back to reveal my face. His forehead pinches as if he’s physically in pain. A lone tear trickles down his cheek, getting lost in his beard. He places his fingers on the sides of my head as he examines me. His thumbs stroke the tender skin soothingly.
His emotion is thick and consuming, and I find myself experiencing it, too. A quiet sob leaves my lips and I’m, once again, cocooned in his safe arms. I allow the dam to release, and a torrent of tears to flow heavily, absorbing into his shirt. I claw at his back to hold him to me, not wanting to let go. If I do, I fear I’ll collapse on feeble knees.
When the moment begins to fade, the calming rasp of Tyler’s voice cuts through the silence.
“Allie?”
“Hmmm?” I mumble, still being held in the asylum of his embrace.
“What do you need me to do? Whatever it is, I’ll do it.”
“Right now, just hold me.”
Through the rest of this class and the next, he keeps me wrapped in his warmth, protecting me from the ache in my heart. He melts the icy tendrils of the solitude I’ve had to endure, and allows me to be free from the constraints of Nick’s love.
He lowers his arms from around me and backs away slightly. He searches my face before placing a chaste kiss on my forehead—his soft beard tickling my nose—then says, “I want to take you away from here. Away from him. I can find a place that’s safe. A woman’s shelter, or any other place that’s far away. A place where he can’t hurt you. Please, Allie. Tell me you’ll come with me. Let me help you. I can’t let him hurt you anymore,” he pleads with me, not knowing my decision was already made.
“I’ll go anywhere you want me to go.”
The relief on his face is palpable. He returns with another bone-crushing hug, and I feel a new peace squeezing its way into my life. It’s wrapped in the arms of the man who made me whole again. Things are finally shifting, and I somehow know that everything will be okay…in time. It’s just not with the person I vowed to love forever…because he apparently doesn’t feel the same.