IT’S LATE INTO THE evening when we finally find a motel for the night. The hours of driving have given my deception plenty of time to erode away more of my opinion of myself. I hate lying to Tyler, but it’s a necessary evil brought forth from good intentions, and I have to believe that it’ll be worth it in the end.
The motel’s front desk is located inside a reasonably clean, small room on the east end of the building. It’s surprisingly decorated with fairly modern furnishings. But in contrast to its appearance, the room smells of stale cigarette smoke, and an indescribable seedy feeling prompts my skin to crawl.
The middle-aged man sitting behind the counter—staring intently at his computer monitor—seems startled by our arrival, clicking furiously on his mouse before greeting us. His dishevelled exterior doesn’t give me the warm fuzzies when considering staying here for the night, but once our keycard is in our hands, we don’t hesitate to head quickly over to our room.
After our bags are brought inside, I allow a few more hours to bask in the love of Tyler. Feeling it, drinking it in. I commit it to memory, struggling to hold back the tears, knowing this is the last time I’ll see him.
Everything inside me feels chaffed and raw. But I harness my strength into something resembling confidence. Even though it’s an unpractised emotion, I know it’s there, buried deep beneath the layers of uncertainty and self-loathing.
Turning on my heel, I put on the most sultry look I can muster, and saunter over to Tyler. He raises a quirked brow in question, and I answer it in turn.
Standing on my toes, I smash my lips against his. I take control, showing him every emotion coursing through my body. Sadness. Anger. Love. Lust. I can’t contain them. They burst from me, using my mouth, body and hands as their medium.
My lips anxiously stroke against his as my fingers play in the short hairs at the nape of his neck. His hands mirror my own—tangling in the long strands of my hair—while his thumbs pet tenderly over my cheeks. He delves deeper into the kiss. I willingly open up to allow him access, and I relish in the taste of him.
Soon, my hands decide to explore. They meticulously travel over the width of his shoulders and down his sculpted arms. I mentally map their path, committing it to memory. Each rise and fall is another notable landmark needing to be drawn. His abs. His chest. All are traced beneath my fingertips until I can blindly navigate the topography.
His hands grip my bottom and effortlessly lift me. I wrap my legs around his waist, locking me tight against him. I moan into his mouth and get lost in his kisses—each caress testifying what we’ve been unable, yet long to say.
He echoes my desire. Our voices become unified in a beautiful melody, playing note after note of every endearment we’ve ever felt, word we’ve ever spoken, and promise we’ve ever made.
Tyler kicks off his shoes, then pulls off mine. We start a trail of abandoned clothes as we make our way over to the bed. As he holds me firmly to his chest, I can feel his heart pounding beneath his skin. My fingers press against it, feeling it thump-thump, thump-thump, thump-thump…
When we reach the firm edge of the mattress, we separate to catch our breath. Our heavy panting draws in the syphoned air—taken with each kiss— and mingles it in the space between us. The moist air feels cool as it blows across our already dampened skin. The sensation sends shivers down my spine.
My eyes adoringly search the depths of his. I cherish each stolen moment. The love I see causes a lump to fill my throat and a sob to build in my chest. But I force it down and swallow my pain, knowing it’s what I have to do to keep him safe.
He gently lays me down on the soft sheets. I seductively inch my way to the top of the bed while he follows. He crawls on his hands and knees to hover above me. His strong arms form a frame around my head as his hips press into me. The warmth of his body scorches my skin where it makes contact and sizzles beneath the surface. My fingers trail over the canopy of muscle. Appreciatively. Thoroughly. Then, pulling him closer, I once again bask in the feeling of his full lips.
Leaning down on his forearms, he restores the connection between our mouths as he kisses me fervently. He nibbles on my bottom lip, then sweeps his tongue across, coaxing me to open for him. I probe the expanse of his mouth in search of the visitor begging for entrance. We become quickly reacquainted when he wraps around me in an embrace. The reunion is excruciatingly bittersweet, knowing it’ll soon be coming to an end.
Euphorically. Passionately. Our bodies move against the other.
The electricity coursing between us is ethereal. It’s barely contained beneath our skin. It sparks with each touch, igniting a fire that can never be extinguished.
His hands grope my sides, and I melt into his touch. I allow a few tears to be released as we come apart in each other’s arms—though Tyler’s unaware of their meaning. They fall under the guise of strong emotion as I give what’s left of me, leaving nothing for anyone else to possess.
He falls beside me. His heavy breathing stutters as he tries to catch his breath. I curl into his side, preserving the memory as my arms ache to hold him a little longer. But I know our time is done. He’s no longer mine to hold. I need to release him from the life that brings danger and threats, and allow him to move forward with someone more deserving of his love.
Once his breathing slows into a peaceful pattern, I cautiously unfold from his arms and stand next to the bed. I watch his sleeping form, studying every contour of his face. Carefully. Appreciatively. Adoringly.
My heart lies before me, tethered to the man lying peacefully asleep. But I need to cut ties. I need to do it quickly, though it won’t be painless. It will hurt immensely. Terribly.
I close my eyes and lean down to press a lingering kiss on his forehead. A waterfall of tears now spills over my lids as I force myself to go.
I bite down on my quivering lip.
My resolve to go is rapidly waning.
The effort to put one foot in front of the other is much too daunting of a task. But I pull from my love for him to force myself to let him go.
I wish things could’ve been different.
I wish my first love could’ve been you.
Grabbing my bags, a memento and our rental’s keys, I walk toward the door. Turning one last time, I whisper the words I’ve longed to say. They weaken and break as each syllable is released.
“I love you, Tyler…Please, forgive me.”