When Tyler wakes in the morning, he finds himself alone in the bed, again. Either he was sleeping very deeply or Asher snuck out early. Tyler checks his phone, which has been charging on the floor next to the bed: it’s still pretty early. He groans but makes himself get up, rubbing the sleep from his eyes.
Half awake, he searches the crates Asher uses for clothes in order to find some of his own and then showers. He turns the water up hot, as hot as he can, and slowly wakes himself. He’s half slathered in body wash when it hits him that he’s using his own. He keeps his clothes here and his books. He’s been telling himself—as he’s sure Asher is—that they’re keeping things light, but Tyler’s practically moved in and is constantly unsure of where he stands. When he goes downstairs to greet Asher, will he find him moody and distant or sweet and affectionate?
“Morning,” Tyler sings when he lets himself into the office. Asher’s got his back to him on his side of the desk. He doesn’t turn around.
“Morning.” He doesn’t sound upset, but distracted. Tyler opts not to try to give him a kiss.
“What needs doing, boss?”
“Check the lines?” Asher does turn then. Circles bag under his eyes, but his smile is real. “I got the drawers. Delivery’s in a little bit so I’ll hang out here.”
“Okay,” Tyler says. Asher is still sitting, which Tyler takes to mean he doesn’t want Tyler to approach him.
In the quiet kitchen, Tyler looks around blindly. This up and down, this unsureness, is almost worse than when he was with Malik. He’d ask himself it is worth it, if he weren’t aware of how deeply and helplessly in love with Asher he is. It’s nothing like it was with Malik, and Tyler refuses to give up.
“I’ll see you later, sweetie,” Tyler says to Claudia. It’s been a slow shift, a waste of everyone’s time. Asher’s been in the office for most of it, which is unusual, but it’s not as though they needed him. Tyler won’t ask to stay. Instead he kisses Dia’s cheek and waves goodbye to Santos.
“Call me if you need me,” she says. He turns, and rolls his eyes, because when has he ever called her? They’re not close outside of work, not that he would be averse to it. They just aren’t. But he stops when he sees her face.
“Everything okay?” he asks her.
“Is everything okay with you?” she counters.
He laughs to cover his surprise. “Of course, why wouldn’t it be?”
She looks him over; she starts to say something and then changes her mind. She wears her hair in a high ponytail again, and her long curls bounce and catch the light. “Of course you are,” she says; her tone strikes him as insincere or ironic. He smiles tightly.
Of course, the truth is that he’s not okay. He’s not precisely not-not-okay either. He’s not anything. Or maybe he’s too much. Who the fuck knows?
What he is, is confused.
He’s so deep in thought he makes it halfway to the bus stop before he realizes that he’s left his apron, and his money, in the breakroom. The back door is open. His key is in his apron, which is apparently not on the counter where he thought it was. He’s about to open his locker when he hears Claudia speak.
“Tyler seems off.” He hears her say.
“Tyler is fine,” Asher responds. Tyler ducks behind the wall, hoping he hasn’t been seen. He hates to be that cliché, but if Asher’s gonna talk to someone about him, maybe he can figure out what the fuck is going on between them in this weird stalemate.
“Don’t mess with him.” There’s almost a note of warning in her tone. It warms Tyler a little. He doesn’t need to be protected, and certainly doesn’t need anyone warning Asher off, but it’s not unwelcome to be cared for.
“Dia, why would I be messing with him?” Asher sounds weary.
“Because that boy is head over heels for you. There are practically hearts floating over his head when he’s with you. Lately, when you’re not together he’s definitely sad. Or upset? Something.”
Asher is quiet; Tyler tries to still his breathing so he can hear if he responds.
“I promise I have no intention of hurting him, if that’s what you’re worried about. Things are a little confusing right now; he’s young, and he’s just come out of a relationship. We’re… he’s a really special kid, and we’re just a stop on his way. Once he figures himself out, he’ll be long gone.”
“That’s the excuse you’re going with?” Claudia asks. Tyler can picture her face perfectly, her knife-sharp sarcasm and tilted head, her too-direct eyes. He has no idea what Asher does in response; it’s either non-verbal or he doesn’t respond at all. “There are so many things wrong with what you just said—”
“Claudia,” Asher says. The warning is clear. “I can’t right now. I promise to be careful with him.”
“I didn’t mean just him,” she says. “I gotta go finish getting things ready. I’ll see you later.”
Tyler slips out of the back door before Asher comes back and catches him eavesdropping. He stands outside, leans against the brick of the wall next to the door, and tries to rearrange his thoughts. In the span of a few seconds Tyler’s learned too much—he’s not felt the years between them as keenly as he does now. Asher called him a kid. A fucking kid. And, icing on the cake, he thinks Tyler’s just going to leave Idlewild?
The worst, though, is that Asher—that Claudia—talked about how Tyler needs to figure himself out. I have. He loves Idlewild. He wants to see a future here. Has he jeopardized that with this affair? It seems stupid that he’s never let himself experience the weight of his choices before. Tyler doesn’t need to figure himself out. He knows who he is: the boy who travels the in-between spaces, who bridges things. He’s a conduit and a chameleon. There’s nothing wrong with that, right?
A sharp wail pierces the air; close by a siren goes off, and behind it, the blare of a fire truck. The noise moves away and so does Tyler, lest he get caught loitering. Above all things, he cannot lose Asher or Idlewild, which means he needs a plan.
* * *
“So I was thinking…” Tyler says without turning his chair around. He tries to keep his tone light and casual, non-invested.
“Hm?” Judging by the lack of screeching, Asher hasn’t turned around in his chair either.
“I heard that Lights on Tamae is out on Netflix.”
The chair makes its horrific noise. “Remind me which one that one is?”
Tyler closes his eyes, takes a deep breath and makes his body appear relaxed. He turns too. “You know, the one we saw an ad for when you were pretending not to watch the Hallmark channel the other day. You said something about wanting to see it.”
“I was not!” Laughter laces Asher’s protest. “It’s out? Do you want to watch it?”
“If you do,” Tyler offers; politely refraining from more teasing. It strikes him that in order to get Asher on “dates” he has to invite himself over. It’s never seemed weird. He’s always been welcome. Hell, he might still be. But everything is so fraught.
He cannot let Asher slip through his fingers. The thought fills him with panic.
“That sounds good,” Asher says. His smile is natural. It’s as if he has no idea what’s going on. How can he breathe through all of the unspoken subtext in this room? Tyler waits for Asher to extend an invitation.
“Hey,” Asher nudges Tyler’s knee, “Where’d you go?”
“Huh?” Tyler blinks at him.
“You’re a million miles away,” Asher says. “Is everything okay? I was going to ask if you want to hang out tonight, but if you’re tired—”
“No!” Tyler forces himself to laugh. “I mean, no. I’m fine. I’d love to stay.”
“Want a snack?” Asher asks when they get upstairs.
“Oh, I can get something,” Tyler says. He starts go downstairs.
“No, no,” Asher pulls him back with a hand around his waist. “I wanted to know if you want one. I’m fine.”
“Oh, well then. I’m okay too.”
Asher pauses but then smiles and reels him in for a kiss. It’s sweet. Asher is being so normal. Maybe nothing’s changed. Maybe Tyler’s imagined the whole thing—their relationship getting more serious. He didn’t imagine Asher’s words though, and that’s definitely what he needs to work on.
Asher pulls back and smiles into Tyler’s eyes. He can’t be imagining this, not when Asher looks at him like this; not when just his hands around Tyler’s waist make him bright and liquid; not when Asher’s body and breath and smile are so his. He lets Asher lead the way to the couch. As part of Tyler’s plan, he’s thought of all the things Asher seems to like the most about him.
First: Tyler in more androgynous clothes. He has no idea why, and it took him a while to pick up on it, but he certainly can’t object because that’s an aesthetic he’d pick for himself anyway.
Second: malleable. Not in a bad way, because he loves it, and he takes pleasure in giving himself over to Asher most of the time. He’s unsure of himself now, and he needs to be all the things Asher wants. He can definitely pretend. Asher is much more comfortable with that dynamic; Tyler’s no fool. Asher needs that, needs to feel in control in order to control his fears. Tyler can give him that.
Third: vocal. Asher loves when Tyler talks; he gets off on coaxing Tyler’s wishes out of him. Tyler doesn’t want to be anyone’s burden, and he wants to bring Asher as much pleasure as he gives Tyler.
Fourth: Tyler knows that Asher tops. For some reason, this is something they’ve never done. They’ve done plenty of other things, and it’s not a secret that Tyler loves bottoming. Asher has somehow figured out that it’s all other things that Tyler’s not used to receiving; he’s lavished those upon him. But this is definitely something he can give Asher he hasn’t before, and he has a pretty good idea it’ll make Asher happy.
Tyler’s wearing a caramel-colored knit turtleneck with a long pocket that goes down one thigh. The color does great things for his eyes, and the elaborate drape and shape of the neck make his jawbones particularly striking. His jeans are insanely tight and ripped up, cut to mimic women’s jeans. The outfit is definitely working, because even though the movie is on, every now and then Asher kisses his neck or runs a finger along a line of exposed thigh where his pants are ripped. Asher turns and kisses behind Tyler’s ear; his hot, wide hand grips Tyler’s thigh, high and hard. Tyler shivers; it’s crazy how well Asher knows his body. He’s so good at unspooling all of Tyler’s defenses that he’s wound so tight around himself.
Tyler clears his throat. He has to keep himself together, because he can’t stick to the plan if Asher drives him into incoherence.
He turns his head and kisses Asher’s forehead. Asher closes his eyes and breathes him in.
“So are we not watching the movie?” Tyler whispers.
“Depends on you,” he says. Tyler likes that Asher gives him choices. Right now, though, Asher wants him. Carefully he climbs into Asher’s lap and straddles him despite how tight his pants are. Tyler kisses him, dirty and hungry.
By the time they work their way to the bed, they’re undressing in a clumsy hurry, and by the time Asher has him naked, it’s very hard for Tyler to think through his plan.
“Fuck me,” he finally blurts out.
“Really?” Asher pulls away.
“You don’t want to?” Tyler asks, a little surprised.
“Of course I do,” Asher says. “So long as that’s what you want.”
“Oh my god, fuck me already,” Tyler says. He laughs and rolls over. He knows that if he can see Asher, he’ll fall apart. He always does.
Asher takes his sweet time, though. He works and works until Tyler begs, and when he’s finally there, rocking into him, he’s so slow and gentle Tyler can hardly stand it. He’s been in love and he’s made love. But this is a whole new level. Asher always surprises him—so reserved everywhere but in bed, where he’s so deeply sensual and focused and giving it’s crazy.
When it’s over, Tyler can hardly speak. Asher runs his hands over Tyler’s skin with reverence. Tyler wants to close his eyes and let himself be touched, glowing under Asher’s fingers with his heart lit.
He orders himself to roll over. He takes Asher’s face in his hands and strokes his cheeks. “Was that okay for you? What can I do?”
“You don’t have to do anything,” Asher says. His eyebrows shoot up, surprised.
“Are you sure? I feel as if I’m not keeping up my end of the bargain.”
“Bargain?” Asher sits abruptly. “You’re making this sound as if it’s a business transaction,” he points out. Tyler sits too.
“No, I mean—I just want to be sure you’re… that I’m giving you—”
“Tyler, you just have to be with me.”
Tyler sighs; Asher makes it so hard to let Tyler be what Asher wants. His words in the conversation with Claudia ring in Tyler’s head. He doesn’t trust Tyler’s youth. He doesn’t trust his maturity or his commitment to Idlewild—commitment in general must be something Asher doesn’t trust from him. Asher thinks Tyler doesn’t know what he wants or who he is.
He wants Asher, and he wants to be what Asher needs.
It’s impossible to reconcile Asher’s hesitance with a man who kisses him so tenderly, who made love to him with so much focus and care that Tyler had to hide his face in the pillows to wipe away tears.
“Asher,” Tyler says. “I can’t—anymore.” His words lose steam. “I’m so confused.”
“What can’t…” Asher’s voice trails off. “Do you not want to be here anymore?”
“No, I do.” Tyler fights off tears and that miserable, failing feeling in his chest. “I can’t tell what you want from me.”
“This?” Asher says. He sounds as lost as Tyler. A sudden flare of anger spears through Tyler. He bites back words that will push Asher away.
Instead, he gets up and searches out his briefs. He is way too naked. Asher stands and finds himself clean clothes as well. Tyler stands with tank top in his hands, unsure what happens next. He has no idea where his pants or sweater are.
“Come sit,” Asher says. His voice is soft and gentle. And closed. With his clothes on and in that moment of quiet, Asher has pulled himself back in. Any uncertainty or vulnerability is gone. “We should talk.”
It’s not meant to be patronizing and Tyler knows Asher doesn’t realize it is, much less mean it to be. But it’s as if Asher’s trying to coax him into a calmer state. As if Tyler’s out of control or too emotional.
Maybe he is. But he’s not showing it and he can’t stand the thought that Asher thinks he needs to teach Tyler from some grown-up high horse. Tyler’s not a kid. And besides, Asher’s a mess too. He might project calm but inside is a tangled, lost man. Tyler’s seen the potential Asher has for a happier life, for a rebirth. And he can see himself as a part of that, if only Asher would let him.