OWEN WATCHED THE flash of emotions rushing behind Carly’s eyes just before she dropped her head onto the steering wheel, and his heart just about stalled in his chest. She was hurting and Mason was confused.
Hell, he was confused.
It had all gone too far. They’d been grasping something for themselves, but the ramifications rippled out like a stone thrown into the ocean, causing who knew what damage to each of them? A friendship. Sex. More. Reaching. Hoping. And now Mason was starting to hope for the impossible too.
At all costs, he had to protect his little boy.
Yet he looked at Carly, hurting too, and his heart pumped again, hard and fast. She was...everything. This woman was the closest thing to perfect he’d ever met. His head buzzed. His chest felt as if the world were pressing in on it.
He probably should let her drive away, but he couldn’t leave it like this.
‘Carly.’ He gripped the open window frame. ‘Look at me.’
‘You’re late for work.’ She groaned into the steering wheel. ‘And I have to go.’
‘Not yet. We need to talk.’
‘Yeah.’ She raised her head and looked at him, eyes bruised with worry. ‘So, what do we do now?’
‘I don’t know.’ He was paralysed by anguish, because what he wanted and what they had to do were completely at odds. There was no way out of this.
‘What do you want from me, Owen? What do you want?’
What the hell? Wasn’t that obvious now? He wanted to wake up with her every day. He wanted a woman who wanted to be in his life.
But he couldn’t put that kind of pressure on her. ‘I want you to be happy.’
Her eyes blazed as she shook her head. ‘Wrong answer. What do you want? From me? From us?’
‘What does it matter what I want?’ What was the use in explaining it all? Each time he thought he knew where he stood, the rug was pulled from under him. Women didn’t stay. ‘Will what I want make a difference? You’re going, Carly, and I totally respect that, but we have to be honest about it. We’re kidding ourselves that we can share our lives in the short term without getting hurt. I care about you. Too much.’ He couldn’t watch someone walk away again and allow his heart to be shattered for the third time. Hell, he’d only just recovered from the emotional whiplash Miranda had caused. ‘There isn’t any “us”. There can’t be.’
She pressed her lips together. Her bottom lip trembled. ‘What was last night, then? The “I want you”... The running down the jetty desperate for me... All of this...’ She waved her hand between them.
Good question. He shook his head as he tried to control his breathing and his thoughts and failed on both accounts. ‘It’s reckless. It’s...dangerous. To me and to my boy. It’s false hope.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Hell, Carly. Isn’t it obvious? I want to ask you to stay. To give up your dreams and be here with me and Mason. But that’s not fair on you. You have a dream and a plan, and you have to be true to yourself.’
Her eyebrows rose. ‘You want me to stay?’
‘No. I want to be...’ He’d come to the truth of it now. Pain lanced his chest. ‘Enough that you’d stay.’ His gaze connected with hers and he saw the torment running through her mind. She hadn’t planned to get involved. She hadn’t planned any of this. They should have been more careful. ‘I know you have to leave.’
She kept on looking at him. Silence stretched.
Then her eyes lit up briefly, as if she’d found the answer. ‘You could...wait for me?’
‘How long do I wait? How long do Mason and I put our lives on hold?’ He knew how long. He knew what it was like to hope and then have those hopes smashed. He wasn’t going to give up his agency this time, hand over the dregs of his power to someone else. ‘Even you don’t know how long you’re going to be away. You have no plans to come back permanently, you said so yourself. So, no, I really couldn’t wait. I’ve played that game before, Carly. I’m tired of waiting, of putting my own plans on hold.’
Her eyes fluttered closed and she inhaled, her chest stuttering, then exhaled slowly. ‘I understand.’
‘I don’t think you do. Hell, I know you’ve been through so much pain, and I know how much you want to grab some happiness. I know how much you deserve all of it too. Everything. You deserve a life that is created by you, to be cherished and loved, and you deserve a cheerleader to support you through it all. Someone who’s free, who could maybe come along with you and watch you blossom.
‘Hell, I’d love to be that person. I really would. But I can’t. You know that. Mason’s had too much upheaval, and now we’re just getting settled.’ He couldn’t throw it all away, uproot the foundations he’d so carefully laid...not for someone who might not stay around. Because they never did in the end.
‘Oh, Owen.’ She blinked, her eyes swimming in tears. ‘I could...maybe I could stay.’
‘What? No.’ He knew what it must have taken for her to say that. To reach out and try, to offer to put her hopes on hold for him. He closed his eyes as possibility swam in front of him, and he wanted so much to grab hold of it. But how could he do that again? How could he put Mason at such a risk?
‘When I was a kid, I watched my mother leave and there was nothing I could do to stop her. My whole life was blown apart, my safety net in tatters. I didn’t understand that it was something she needed to do, I just thought I’d done something wrong. That I wasn’t good enough and that was why she was leaving me. And then I had to watch it happen to my kid. Have you any idea how that feels? To watch someone break your child’s heart and be able to do nothing? I couldn’t make her stay...couldn’t make either of them stay. I can’t let him go through that again. Hell... I can’t do it to myself.’
‘I’m not Miranda.’ She was shaking now, and he hated that he made her be like this. But he had to break this off. It was the right thing to do, even if it hurt like hell now.
‘I know you’re not, and I know you have every good intention, Carly. She did too, she’s not a monster. But I can’t take that risk and ask you to give up your dreams and stay just a little longer. Hope you’ll settle with me, with us. Hope you’ll forget your plans, and that you’ll change and fit into our life. All it does is put off the inevitable. I’ll just end up waiting for the end.’
She slid her hand over his. ‘There doesn’t have to be an end.’
‘Really? Not when you start to get itchy feet again? When you realise this small family life isn’t the kind of wild adventure you’d been planning?’
‘No.’ She shook her head quickly. ‘It doesn’t have to end like that.’
‘But it will. I won’t tell myself lies and I certainly won’t tell them to my son. It’s best if we finish it all now. That way you’re free to leave and we can...’ Recover.
He’d seen the Under Offer banner slapped across the Camp Rāwhiti sign. If the camp, all her island history and Mia and Harper weren’t enough to keep her here, how could he be?
Or...maybe he was tarnishing her with the same brush as his ex-wife and his mother. Maybe he was being unfair. Perhaps she would stick to her word. Perhaps she would come back to them. Maybe they could reach some sort of deal.
But she pressed her lips together, as if holding in something she didn’t want to escape in front of him. Then she managed, ‘Are you saying you don’t want to try to reach a compromise? That you don’t care about me? Because I care about you, Owen.’
‘Of course, I care about you, Carly. You’re amazing. Beautiful. Funny. Sexy. Bright. So damned bright. I lo—’ He slammed his mouth shut as he realised what he was about to say.
Love.
Now, that was a wild notion. But, hell, the only thing that could cause this amount of hurt, confusion and chaos stemmed from love. He’d tried to protect himself, had tried to put up walls, but she’d broken them down with her smile, her touch and her kisses.
He loved her.
And it was the worst possible thing he could ever do. It made him desperate, it blurred his logic. It derailed him. Look at him now, trying to make a deal with himself. Trying to think of ways he could have it all when, deep down, he knew he just couldn’t.
Because he’d loved before and he’d been left behind, trying to mop up the mess. ‘I have to care for myself and my son.’
‘You’re hiding behind Mason. Making excuses not to jump in.’ She shook her head and snatched her hand back, her eyes wild. ‘You say you care about me, but you don’t want to wait or make promises. And now you’re saying you won’t let me stay either. You’re pushing me away. What the hell kind of care is that?’
‘I’m not going to make promises that will clip your wings, Carly. Promises that will turn into regret, or a bind you want to shrug off. We really don’t know each other.’ If he told himself that enough, he might start to believe it. He knew her enough to lose his heart to her. Knew her enough that he wanted the best for her. He loved her.
Hell.
‘I know what I feel.’ She put her hand to her heart, and he suddenly wanted to hear what more she had to say about that.
‘Which is what?’
‘I like you. A lot. I really do care about you and about Mason. We could at least try. We could do video calling.’ But even as she said it her hopeful expression dissolved and her shoulders slumped, telling him she realised what she was suggesting. ‘Like Miranda.’
‘Daddy! Daddy! Mummy’s calling.’ As if on cue, and with the worst possible timing in the world, Mason ran out of the house waving his digital tablet, his eyes dancing with excitement as the screen lit up with light and sound.
Mason. He shouldn’t be watching this. And Miranda most definitely shouldn’t be.
Owen closed his eyes and tried to control the rush of panic, of pain and, yes, of love. The joy of seeing his son so animated mingled with the loss of Carly.
Once again, his gaze connected with hers and he saw, with that one plaintive statement from Mason, that she knew he was right. He wasn’t about to make a deal that could hurt him or his boy. He would always put Mason before his own needs, wants or desires. Always.
He dragged his eyes away, but not before committing her beautiful face to memory. The eyes that bore into him as if she was reaching into his soul and making him question everything he believed to be true. The mouth that made him laugh with her jokes and that broke him open with her kisses. The wild red-gold hair.
Love. It sure as hell made you crazy.
Then he turned to Mason and dragged up a smile and jolly tone he wasn’t sure he could maintain for long. ‘Hey, bud. Just chatting.’ The screen had gone dark. ‘Sorry, she’s hung up. Give me the tablet and we can dial in. But we’ll have to be quick or we’ll be very late for kindy.’
That was what was important. He needed to keep the lines of communication open between Mason and his mother and a solid routine. Nothing else.
He took a step towards his son, who raised his chubby fist and waved happily at Carly, showing her his tablet. ‘It’s Mummy!’
But Owen didn’t wave, he didn’t look back to see Carly’s reaction, not when he heard her sharp intake of breath, the soft sob in her throat, the roar of the truck’s engine and the tyres on gravel.
He didn’t look even when he was desperate for one last glance. Because he was an idiot, not a masochist.
Walking those few steps was one of the hardest things he’d ever done, because she’d wanted him to make a promise and it would have been so easy to agree. To put off the pain for another day just to save himself from it today.
Sure, we’ll wait a few weeks. Months. A year. We’ll sit on the sidelines until you’re ready to come back to us, a different person with different ideas and expectations.
He wasn’t going to do that to Mason.
And he certainly wasn’t going to do it to himself.
Carly fisted away the tears that blurred her vision. It wasn’t such a great idea to drive when she was crying this hard, but she’d had no choice. She’d had to leave.
Bloody man.
Bloody beautiful, amazing man. Who loved so hard, he’d protect his son from anything.
Protect himself too, because he’d been hurt in the past. His mother had left, his wife had gone and he couldn’t take that risk again.
Love.
Had she imagined it? Had it been on the tip of his tongue? Her heart had squeezed in hope, and then crumpled, because who loves you and then pushes you away?
Don’t go.
She’d watched each step he’d taken away from her and had willed him to turn round. Just once. Just one time, so she could look at his face. But he hadn’t. She’d watched his rigid back and taut shoulders retreat from her, had watched him bend to pick up Mason and hold him close, and every part of her had craved his hug, had wanted those arms around her waist, those lips on her cheek. She’d wanted to run to him, hammer her fists on his back and make him promise to wait for her. Hell, she wasn’t going for ever.
But she was going long enough that he’d forget her.
It looked almost as if Mason had forgotten his second mummy request already. She hadn’t missed the excitement in his eyes at the thought of his mother. Who knew, if she stayed, Mason’s and Miranda’s contact might fade...and she knew first-hand how important it was to keep those ties sacrosanct.
But now? Her heart had been blown into tiny pieces all over again. Her chest hurt. Her throat hurt. She’d tried to keep her heart out of it, had tried to convince herself she could leave unscathed and untouched by them. She didn’t want to care for them this much. Didn’t want to imagine the next few weeks without them. But Owen had made it clear that, whatever she said, he was going to reject her.
She pulled up behind her cottage and saw Mia waiting for her, her hair whipping around in the breeze. Summer was turning to autumn and, as usual around the equinox, with big sea swells and squally storms. Everything was unsettled. Tumultuous. The way she felt right now.
No, please. Not now. Not this.
Carly’s heart sank at the sight of Mia because she knew she’d be forced to talk to her when she just wanted to hide away and cry. But time was running out, so she swallowed down her pain, wiped her eyes and found her sister-in-law a smile as she jumped down from the truck. ‘Hey.’
Mia frowned. ‘What’s the matter, hun?’
It was plain she couldn’t keep anything from her. ‘It’s nothing. I’m fine. Why are you here? Is everything okay?’
‘Look at you, always worrying over everything.’ Mia grinned and cupped Carly’s cheek, peering closer at her face. ‘Are you sure you’re okay? You don’t look fine to me.’
Please don’t ask. I’ll cry all over again.
‘Oh, you know.’ Carly sniffed and wiped her nose on her sleeve because she’d just used up the box of tissues she kept in her glove compartment.
‘Oh, honey, I do. I do. Grief hits us in weird ways. I still get overwhelmed by it sometimes.’ Clearly Mia thought Carly’s tears were for Raff and his parents. ‘Um...we arranged for me to come collect some of your things this morning.’
‘Oh. Yes. I forgot.’ But it was Owen, not Raff, who had made her forget her grief, her history and even her plans. Or, rather, she’d been desperate enough to put them on hold for him. She’d almost bargained herself out of her trip. Tried to make rash promises she knew neither of them could or should keep. Tried to get one more family to accept her and love her. And for one mad moment she’d been prepared to give everything up for them.
It really did look as though she was destined to be on her own. Alone.
But she’d been there before and she could do it again. If only her heart would ever stop hurting.
Mia was still chattering. ‘Countdown to the big day’s started, so it’s only natural you’ll feel a bit wobbly. Don’t forget, this is your big adventure. You’ve been planning it for so long, dreaming about it ever since you cut it short to come here with Raff.’
‘Everything’s in here.’ Carly opened the door to her cosy lounge and gestured to the piles of things she’d been supposed to pack last night. But, instead, she’d spent that time with Owen.
Together they put her treasures into boxes and secured the lids with sticky tape. They were just filling the last one when Mia picked up the kauri jewellery box. ‘Oh. Isn’t this the box Raff made for your wedding present?’
‘Yes.’ Carly inhaled deeply and steadied her ragged breaths. ‘I want you to keep it for me.’
Mia opened the lid and gasped. ‘Oh. Your wedding ring.’
‘Yes.’ Was this the right thing to do? Yes, it was. She had to put a line under everything. Raff, this house, Owen. She had to take her place in the world. Carly Edwards...whoever she was...was waiting to blossom. ‘I don’t... Please don’t take this the wrong way. I will never forget your brother. But I have to step out into the world as me. Not as a widow.’
‘I understand. I really do. I get it.’ Mia wrapped her into a tight hug. ‘Please promise me you’ll have lots of fun. I want you to message me daily with updates. We can video call. You can show me and Harper all the amazing places you visit.’
Video call...like Mason and his mum. Like countless others who found a way to connect with people they loved and cared for despite the miles keeping them apart. Like she’d offered Owen.
She sighed. ‘I will. Will you be okay without me?’
Mia grinned. ‘We’re two amazing, strong women. We’ve got this.’
‘Yes, we have.’ Carly found Mia a smile. She was right; they’d both faced impossible sadness and survived it. They had a future to look forward to. Happiness waited for them.
But whatever else happened, and despite herself, Carly knew she would carry her losses with her wherever she went. The memories of Raff and his family, and now of Owen too.
Because the man she’d thought might heal her heart had broken it instead.