I could have found the Paisley property in my sleep. Like all the roads and streets of Logan Bend, I knew it as I knew the details of my own face. However, as I drove down the gravel driveway, I began to doubt the intelligence of my decision to go to his home. Having him cook for me seemed intimate and too soon given our recent reconnection. What if I disappointed him after a second meeting? Had it been simply fantasy and nostalgia that we’d felt at lunch? Would all that be replaced tonight with awkwardness?
Were there expectations when one went to a man’s house for dinner? Since my divorce, I’d gone on exactly two online coffee dates. Neither led anywhere. After that, I’d decided to give it more time. I hadn’t felt ready. Also, I didn’t mind being alone. I could read when I wanted, eat what I wanted. Even the television, which had been entirely in my husband’s control, had a new owner. Me.
Cole Paisley, though? He was an entirely different situation. He had the power to hurt me. I’d given my heart to my husband only to suffer humiliation after humiliation.
My phone rang as I came upon the Paisley driveway. A metal gate and fence surrounded what I could see of the property. He’d left the gate open for me, but I could see a lockbox that required a code. Did he ever worry about his safety as I did? It wouldn’t surprise me. We’d seen evil up close thirty years ago. It was impossible not to be changed.
I stopped before the open gate and picked up my phone. To my delight, the call was from Brooke. “Hi, honey,” I said.
“Hey, Mom. Just checking on you. I called the house and Gram said you had a date with Cole Paisley. Oh my God, is it true?”
I had to laugh at the excitement in Brooke’s voice. Despite how my ex-husband’s behavior had hurt her, my daughter was romantic. “Yes. I’m at his gate now and was just thinking about running away.”
“Mom, don’t you dare. Is he still cute?”
“Better than ever, I’m afraid. We had lunch earlier.”
“And? Well, it must have gone well if you’re seeing him tonight too. Mom, I’m super psyched for you.”
“I hope I’m not setting myself up to get hurt.”
“Not Cole, Mom. Not if he’s like you described him.”
“He lives here, Brooke, and loves it.”
“You once loved Logan Bend too. You’re not even sure you want to keep working. Mom, you can’t limit yourself just because you’re scared.”
“When did you get so bossy?”
She giggled. “I want you to be happy. You deserve it. More than anyone. You’re always taking care of everyone else. Maybe it’s your turn.”
“Thanks, sweetie.”
“Now, go through the gate. Call me later. Or tomorrow, if you’re busy tonight.”
“Brooke!”
“I’m just kidding, Mom. Have fun, okay?”
“Okay. Love you.”
“Me too.”
I hung up, still smiling. My baby girl was a remarkable young woman. All the struggles of the teen years were as faded as childbirth.
I put the car in Drive and went through the gate. The long driveway that had once been dirt and uneven with potholes was now even and covered with gravel. I rounded the corner expecting to see the Paisleys’ run-down trailer. Instead, a charming modern farmhouse stood in its predecessor’s place. A study in the contrast of black and white, the house had a white exterior of both painted brick and wood siding paired with a black roof and shutters. The front porch had black herringbone trim that told me what love and care he’d put into every detail. If all his work was like his own house, no wonder he’d been able to retire early.
I parked in front of the two-door detached garage, admiring its traditional crisscross design before reaching over to grab the bottle of wine I’d stopped in town for. As I approached the front door, Cole stepped out to the porch to greet me. My stomach fluttered at the sight of him. He wore loose jeans and a T-shirt that clung to his muscular torso. This was a man who obviously had spent his adulthood doing physical work. Behind him, the yellow face of a Labrador peeked around his legs. A black-and-white tuxedo cat shot between Cole’s legs, then, as if dizzy, plopped at his feet.
“Welcome to my home.” He smiled before giving me a quick kiss on the cheek. “Did you remember how to get here?”
“Not much had changed until I turned into your driveway. Your place is breathtaking.”
“Thanks. I’m partial to it myself.” He brushed a few damp curls from his forehead.
I’d have gladly melted right into his arms and let him have his way with me. Instead, I handed him the bottle of wine. “I hope you like red.”
“Sure. You look gorgeous.” He didn’t even glance at the bottle, too busy looking at me. “I love your hair that way.”
“Thank you.” I flushed with heat. If he only knew how many times I’d changed, finally settling on a denim shirtdress that made me feel young and carefree. I’d blown out my hair to give it more volume and taken special care with my makeup.
“These two must be Duke and Moonshine,” I said.
“Yes. Moonshine thinks she’s a dog and also has an equilibrium problem.”
I knelt to give them both a good stroke or two. Duke wagged his tail. Moonshine purred. So far, so good. I had a feeling Cole took the opinions of his pets seriously. As he should, of course.
“Did you design the house?” I asked as I straightened.
“God no. I’m not that smart.” He held the door open for me. “Come on in. I’ve already opened some wine.”
As I passed by him to step inside the entryway, I caught a drift of his spicy aftershave. Good Lord, a man shouldn’t smell that good.
I distracted myself by taking in the decor. A gray rug lay on light wood floors. The walls were covered in a patterned white-and-gray paper. I glanced down at his feet. He wore a pair of leather flip-flops. Given that we only had two months of good weather, we hardly ever wore such things in Seattle. “Should I take my sandals off?”
“Only if you want to.”
I decided to keep them on. They were flats and comfortable. Plus, bare feet made me feel too vulnerable.
We walked through the entryway to a light and airy kitchen. “Cole, your kitchen is wonderful.” From the risotto dish on the cooktop came the scent of garlic and onions. Fresh vegetables had been chopped and set aside in quaint wooden bowls on the light counter. Windows faced a covered stone patio and grass. Beyond, a fenced vegetable garden appeared lush and green. Farther still was the view of Logan Mountain I remembered so well from childhood. Although not visible from here, I knew the river ran between the mountain and the cluster of trees at the edge of the meadow.
“Why didn’t you build closer to the river?” I asked.
“I would have, but the ground was too uneven and rocky. Also, the well and electrical were here where the trailer had been. Easier to do it this way.”
“Is the swimming hole the same?”
“Exactly the same. I’ll take you down there if you want. I hacked out a trail earlier in the year so it’s easier to get down there now. Before then, grass and shrubs had overgrown the path we made with our feet.”
Duke and Moonshine settled together into a large dog bed. I gasped in surprise when they snuggled close. “They sleep together?” I asked.
“Strange, right? They don’t know they’re different.”
“Yes, but sweet.”
“They’re my first pets, so I didn’t know what to expect. I didn’t plan to get Moonshine, but she was at the same shelter and was such a hot mess I was afraid no one would choose her. She’s named Moonshine for a reason.” He imitated a drunk person by swaying and stumbling.
“Really?”
He held up a hand. “Scout’s honor. Every so often she stumbles and falls, like she’s drunk. The vet thinks there’s something off in her inner ear.”
“Poor baby.”
“She has Duke to help her get around. Would you like a glass of wine?” He gestured toward the decanter on the counter. “I brought up something good from the cellar.”
“You have a cellar?”
“I know. Pretentious.”
“Not pretentious. Surprising. I would have figured you for a beer man.”
He patted his flat stomach. “I like beer, but I try to limit my intake. As I get older, the harder it gets to stay fit.”
“You seem to be doing a good job of it so far.” I took a sip. Smooth and fruit forward. “This is good.”
“Thanks. I wasn’t sure if you liked Syrah, so I brought up a cabernet. Less risky.”
I glanced around the room. Like many modern homes, the kitchen and sitting area were one, separated only by an island. A couch faced a fireplace with a large-screen television above. Had he decorated himself? “Is the entire house your handiwork?”
“The building part, yes. A professional designer did the interiors. She was one of my favorites in LA. Back when I flipped houses, she was part of my team.” He set aside his glass and scuttled over to the cooktop to stir the risotto.
“I’ve never tried risotto. Is it hard?”
“Not really. Requires patience, that’s all.”
“I don’t cook much these days. Most nights I have a sandwich or cheese and crackers. I had enough cooking during my marriage.”
“You were the primary cook, I take it?”
“And bottle washer. He wasn’t home much when Brooke was little. I did most everything around the house. I felt like a single parent.”
“Where was he?”
“Work. At least that’s what I assumed. He went from one high-tech start-up to the next.” I took another sip from my glass. “Later, after everything came out, I wondered how much of the time away from us was actually at work.”
Cole dumped a pile of the chopped vegetables into a steamer. “When Iris told me she was in love with someone else and had been for a year, I started going through every moment of the past months, trying to see where I went wrong. The clues were there, but I sure didn’t see them at the time.”
“It’s an awful feeling,” I said. “Thinking your whole life was a lie.”
Cole came around the island to stand next to me. “I hate hearing that tone in your voice.” He took my empty hand and brought it to his chest. “I wanted you to have the best life.”
Touched, I fought against the scratchy feeling that came right before tears. “There was a lot of good, too. My daughter’s pretty great, and we have a close relationship. I’ve had a satisfying career. Right now feels good, too.”
He leaned closer and brushed my mouth with his. “If it were up to me, the rest of your life would be with a man who worships you.”
“Cole,” I whispered as I rested my forehead against his shoulder, too shy to look at him.
“Yeah?”
“You melt me.”
He lifted me off my feet and placed me on the island. The skirt of my dress hiked up around my thighs. My breath caught when he kissed me again. He pulled me against him. Instinctively my legs wrapped around him. We kissed as if we wanted to make up for all the years apart. Finally, he pulled away. Grimacing, he ran both hands through his hair and backed away. “Carlie, I’m sorry. That was way out of line.”
I laughed, throaty and breathless. “I disagree.”
“You do?”
“Yes, we’re adults,” I said, teasing. “Why shouldn’t we kiss?”
“I’m trying not to scare you off.”
“Keep kissing me like that and I may never leave.”
Before he could respond, the pot on the stove boiled over. He ran over to turn down the burner. “You’re so distracting I may burn our dinner,” he said.
I jumped from the counter and wandered over to the patio doors. They were open, letting in a breeze. I caught a whiff of jasmine.
“Is that jasmine I smell?” I turned back to look at him.
He was at the sink transferring vegetables into a bowl. Steam rose up from the pot and swirled around his face. “Yes, I had to baby them all winter with a humidifier. They don’t like the cold, so I had to make it seem like the tropics.”
I almost swooned. Imagining him here with Duke and Moonshine making risotto and babying his plants was too much for my middle-aged heart.
He wrapped tinfoil around a loaf of French bread. “This will take a few minutes to warm and then we’re ready.” With a quick movement, he had the loaf inside the oven. “I set the outside table, but if you prefer to eat inside, that’s fine too. Your wish is my command.”
“Outside sounds perfect.” I picked up my glass of wine to take with us.
He grabbed the decanter and his glass before ushering me out to the patio. A table had been set for two, including a vase with pink and white roses. I walked to the edge of the pavers and looked out to the pasture where two chestnut horses grazed on grass. The sun hovered just above the mountain, shedding an orange hue of twilight. “When we were young, I took for granted how pretty it was here.”
He came to stand beside me. “I missed this every single day I spent in LA.”
“You made all your dreams come true. This place is just how you described it to me.”
“Not all. There’s been something missing.” He put his arm around my shoulders and kissed the top of my head.
I leaned into him and sighed. How could this feel so right?
“I didn’t think I could ever live here again after Beth,” I said.
“And now?”
“I’m not sure. Everything feels different with you here.”
“Come sit with me for a few minutes. We can enjoy the last of the light while the bread warms.” He gestured toward four chairs placed around a gas firepit.
I took the seat he offered and set my glass on the wide arm of the chair. “I read more of the journal this afternoon.”
“Anything telling?” He settled back into the chair next to mine. His eyes shone in the last of the sunlight.
I told him about how she seemed to feel pressure about being part of the “it” couple. “Whoever Z was, he wasn’t the type to bring home to Mother. I’m wondering if he was one of the wild boys. A bad boy, so to speak.” A hummingbird arrived at the feeder that hung from an awning of the pergola. “He had a girlfriend of his own. Someone he was unwilling to break up with. I spent all afternoon trying to remember other couples from her class.”
He crossed his ankles as he looked up toward the sky. “I wish I could remember more high school. Mostly I remember only you and how crazy I was about you. Maybe I should see if Luke remembers any other couples.”
“I’d hate to drag him into all this again.”
“Good point.” From inside, the timer for the bread sounded. “Have a seat at the table. I’ll bring out our dinners.”
I did as he asked, watching the sun disappear behind Logan Mountain. A few minutes later, he came out with two plates with risotto, steamed vegetables, and buttery bread.
He put mine in front of me, then sat in his own place. “Dig in.”
“Wait, we should toast.” I raised my glass. “To us. Finding each other again.”
“To us.”
We ate in silence for a few minutes, other than my murmurings of delight over the complex flavors of the risotto and freshness of the vegetables.
When I’d eaten enough, I set aside my fork and concentrated on him. “How come you never told me much about what was really going on at your house?”
He set his fork down and picked up his wine. “I was ashamed.”
“It wasn’t your fault.”
“Didn’t always feel that way. Luke and I were always trying to figure out ways to stay on his good side. Drew, on the other hand, went head-to-head with him.”
“I wish I’d done something to help you guys,” I said. “I loved you all so much, but I didn’t really understand. My dad would’ve helped you guys get out of there.”
“There’s nothing anyone could have done. As hard as it was to leave here, in hindsight it was the best thing for my mom. Once her mother figured out what was really happening…and saw the bruises, she gave us enough money to move out and for Mom to go back to school. Everything changed once we were away from him.”
“I’m comforted knowing that.”
“When he died, none of us went to his funeral. Isn’t that sad?” He picked up his fork and stabbed a piece of zucchini. “Of the three of us, I was the only who went by to check on him. I found him. Dead in his chair with a beer can in his hand. Can you beat that?”
I didn’t know what to say. “I’m sorry.”
“Boy, we sure know how to bring down the mood, don’t we?” He shook his head as if to dispel the bad thoughts. “Tell me more about Brooke. I bet she’s awesome.”
I smiled at the thought of my daughter. “I just talked to her before I got here. She’s excited for me—finding you.”
“That’s sweet.” His voice sounded wistful.
“She’s studying chemistry at college. The English professor’s daughter is a math and science genius. She gets that from her father.”
“How is it between them?”
“About like your brothers and your dad. I don’t know if she’ll ever really accept him back into her life. Everything she thought about her world shattered.”
“How could it not?”
“I worry about her, not having a good relationship with her father. Will that spill over to how she sees men? Will she be able to trust?”
“What about you? Can you trust again?”
“I want to,” I said softly. “But it’ll take someone special.”
“Someone who truly gets you?”
“Yes. Someone like you.” I smiled, remembering the first time I’d ever laid eyes on him.
“What’s so funny?” he asked.
“Do you remember the day you came to school for the first time? Second grade. It was a few weeks after school had started.”
“Not really. I can remember my mom telling me were moving back here and being super excited.”
We’d already begun our day when the principal escorted them into our second-grade classroom. Two sweet, hapless little boys who more tripped than walked into the room. They’d both been adorable, but Cole captured my heart. “You looked right at me,” I said, “and winked.”
“No way.”
“You did.” I laughed at the look of shock on his face. “I swear. My stomach dropped to the floor, and then I flushed from head to toe.”
“What was I thinking? Winking at the prettiest girl in class.”
“I don’t know, but I fell head over heels for you. From then on, it was all about Cole Paisley.”
“So what you’re telling me is that Drew never had a chance?”
“Correct.”
“I can’t wait to call and tell him that.”
I let my eyes sparkle back at him, enjoying myself. “Then it took you another eight years or so to get up the nerve to wink again.”
He groaned. “I pined for you for years and years, suffering in silence.”
“As I did you.”
He gestured toward his house. “You see that? Black and white? That’s how I’ve always been. I was as sure as anything in my life that you were the girl for me.”
“We were so young, though. Do you think it was real?”
“It was for me.”
“You don’t think part of it was pure teenage fantasy?” I shook my head. “Beth used to tease me about how much I daydreamed about you.”
“Are you telling me you fantasized about me?” He rubbed the slight indentation in his chin with the pad of his thumb.
“A daydream. Not a fantasy.” My voice came out huskier and sexier than I wished.
His eyes flickered. “What kind of daydreams?”
“Kissing you.”
His eyebrows lifted. “That’s it?”
I laughed. “Don’t look so disappointed. What other daydreams would I have had?”
“I was hoping for ones more on the naughty side.”
“I was much too innocent to go any further in my mind. Then, not now.” I was baiting him, teasing him, like a woman accustomed to flirting. Who was I?
“We’re no longer sixteen, this is true.” He gave me a wolfish grin.
“Did you ever think about me? Wonder where I was? If I was married?”
“Every day of my life. I felt sure you were married. How could you not be? I told myself to leave your memory alone, but I didn’t listen.”
“I was married, but I’m not now,” I said.
His eyes glittered, no longer playful. The pull of his gaze reached across the table and took hold of me. “I’ve carried a torch for you my entire life. Nothing’s changed. I doubt it ever will.”
My pulse quickened. “Is that true? For real?”
“As real as it can be. What about you? Did you ever think about me?”
“More times than once a day. So I win.”
“No, if you thought of me even once in all those years, then I’m the winner.”