Monday
8:06 AM
Me: Hey, want to grab a coffee? Breakfast?
Harper: Already at the office! Dinner tonight?
Me: Going to Devon’s for a team dinner. Everyone is back in town. See you after?
Harper: Absolutely! XO
12:04 PM
Me: How’s your day going?
Harper: Crazy busy. Heading into a meeting. See you tonight?
Me: Good luck!
7:18 PM
Harper: Honey, I’m home!
Me: Just got to Devon’s. Call you on my ride back?
Harper: Yes, please! (Kiss Face Emoji)
10:43 PM Missed Call
11:04 PM Missed Call
11:07 PM
Me: You must be sleeping. Sweet dreams, Harp.
Tuesday
6:51 AM
Harper: Good morning!
7:19 AM
Me: Morning, beautiful! How’s your morning?
Harper: Early run with Leo. On my way into work.
Me: ???
Harper: Car wouldn’t start. I’m in an Uber.
Me: Why didn’t you call? I would have given you a ride.
Harper: Didn’t want to wake you.
Me: Always wake me.
Harper: (Heart Emoji) I’ll remember that. Dinner tonight?
Me: Yes. Tacos?
Harper: Please! See you around 8 PM.
Me: Can’t wait.
6:04 PM
Harper: Damien! I’m so sorry but I have a meeting that just appeared on my calendar. I won’t be home until after 9 PM.
Me: I’ll bring you dinner…TACO TUESDAY!
Harper: It pains me to miss out on taco Tuesday but it’s a business dinner. I’m sorry; I’ll make it up to you.
Me: Don’t worry. I’ll see you after.
Harper: I’ll call you when I get home.
10:33 PM Missed Call
10:34 PM
Harper: You awake?
10:42 PM
Harper: You must have passed out. Hope you sleep well. XOXO
Wednesday
Me: Hi, baby. I’ve got a team bonding thing today in the middle of nowhere.
Harper: ???
Me: It’s some camping, hiking shit that Devon put together last minute. I won’t be back until tomorrow.
Harper: Doesn’t he know glamping is more your style?
Me: (Wink Face Emoji) Clearly, no one knows me as well as you.
Harper: (Laughing Face Emoji) Have a good time. I’ll miss you.
Me: Miss you too. See you tomorrow?
Harper: Yes. No matter what. XX
“Breathe in that mountain air,” Cole announces as he hikes like a damn professional.
“You’re way too chipper about this,” River Patton, another one of my teammates, mutters.
“He got laid last night,” Devon says.
“Hey!” Beau hollers. “That’s my sister.”
Cole’s ears turn red, and I laugh.
The team is trekking through some woods in the middle of nowhere, all in the name of team bonding.
“I think I liked last year’s field day better,” I mutter, to no one and everyone.
“Same,” Axel agrees, jumping on a rock. “Although there is something nice about being in nature.”
I wrinkle my nose, unconvinced. All I’ve got to show for today is a fuck-ton of mosquito bites and a sweat-soaked T-shirt. This is not my scene.
And we have to pitch a fucking tent and sleep here like a bunch of Boy Scouts.
“You hate this,” Patton comments.
I chuckle but he’s not far from the truth.
Patton keeps pace with me. “How was summer?”
“Good.”
“The women?”
“Only one,” I admit.
“Seriously?”
“The right one,” I amend.
“Shut the fuck up. You locked down a wifey?” Patton’s clearly surprised because out of all the guys on the team, he and I are the only starters who are still single.
Well, I guess technically Beau Turner is too, but, to my knowledge, he doesn’t hook up with random women. At least, he doesn’t flaunt it. I’ve heard he’s still hung up on an ex, his high-school sweetheart who made it big out in LA, but he doesn’t like to talk about it much. In fact, out of all the guys, Turner keeps the most to himself, sharing even less than I do.
“Who is she?” Patton presses.
“Her name is Harper Henderson and we’re together. Harper is…well, she’s too fucking good for me.”
Patton snorts. “Aren’t they all?”
“What about you?” I turn the tables. “How was summer?”
Patton chews the corner of his mouth, a flare of unease shooting through his eyes.
I raise an eyebrow, waiting. We trudge up the stupid hill.
“Almost there,” Devon calls out.
“I never took him for a nature-loving guy,” I mutter.
Patton shrugs, looking away. “Same. And summer was summer,” he says finally. “Now, I’m ready for the season.”
“Yeah,” I agree, reading the words he doesn’t voice.
What happened during Patton’s summer isn’t something he’s bringing along for the season. However he feels about that is his business and he wants me to let it go. So, I do.
Because I’m already worried that my summer love isn’t going to last the season either. It’s only been a few days and I am desperately missing my girl. Can we make this work? The hectic schedules, the travel, the unknown?
Can it be enough when Harper is Harper and I’m just me?
The rain starts as a slow drizzle. I glance up into the darkening sky and pray that one of my teammates calls this, now, before the skies open up and we’re all drenched by the rain. My sneakers already feel soggy from the damp ground, and I dread the thought of wading through puddles.
“We could set up camp over here.” Cole points to a clearing before glancing up at the thunderclouds. “Don’t want to get caught in the storm.”
Couldn’t he have suggested going to Corks for beers instead? That sounds like a much better way to bond than to pitch a tent in the middle of nowhere. Shit, do I have cell reception?
I move to pull out my phone when Devon points at me. “Barnes, Turner, want to start clearing away those branches?”
Ugh. I bite back my honest response to that question and turn to follow Turner.
Beau and I begin to move a bunch of branches as the other guys start to set up the tent. I guess, all things considered, my job is better since I don’t know the first thing about putting up a tent.
“How’s it going?” Beau asks.
I shrug. “Same old. You?”
He’s quiet, thoughtful. “Okay, I guess.”
“You seeing anyone?”
He narrows his eyes at me. “No one in particular. How’re things with Harper?”
I toss a branch. “Let me ask you something.”
Beau straightens, turns, and gives me his full attention.
“You think relationships, real ones, can work when the whole future is a question mark?”
Beau swears and grips the back of his neck. “Sure, I think they can.” He tips his head toward Cole. “Look at the Rookie and my sister. Or Devon and Mila.”
“That’s new though.” Both of those couples have been together a year or less.
Beau sighs and tosses another branch. “I don’t know, man. I’d like to think so but the one time I tried…”
“Didn’t work out?”
His expression is gutted, his eyes bleeding a pain he rarely shows, when they snap to mine. “Didn’t work out,” he confirms, but it’s more than that. His relationship not working out leveled him.
And I know, deep down, that Harper could level me too.
I open my mouth to ask what happened, but a gale of wind kicks up and the rain beats down, hard and relentless.
“Get in the tent!” Axel hollers.
Damn, how’d they get that up so quickly? Cole is tossing our backpacks inside the shelter as River pulls in a small cooler.
The six of us huddle into the fairly large tent, sitting on the cold ground. Devon reaches into a cooler and passes us all a beer. We crack them open and lift them up.
“To the Bolts,” Devon says.
“The Bolts,” we all repeat.
The conversation turns to the upcoming season, our fiercest competition, and hockey in general. It’s easy and light, a way to pass time as we wait for the storm to move out.
Except three hours later, we’re still fucking waiting.
“We gotta call this,” Axel hollers. Finally, a voice of reason.
The wind screams against the tent. My feet now feel soggy inside my jacked-up kicks.
“Let’s go,” I agree, seconding Axel’s point before anyone can argue against it.
Devon swears and shakes his head. “I think you might be right.”
“We are,” I confirm, jumping into action.
The sooner we can get out of this stupid tent and down the hill, the sooner I can get back to Harper. I need to spend time with my woman, not hang with a bunch of dudes in the middle of nowhere.
Cole frowns but begins to move to take the tent down. “It’s just a little rain, Barnes.”
“It’s fucking cold, Rookie.”
River snickers and shifts the weight of his backpack. His eyes turn to Devon. “Next time you want to bond, let’s just grab a beer at Corks.”
Devon flips him off and I laugh.
Cole pops his head outside of the tent and looks skyward, as if the sun is magically going to beam down on us in the middle of the night.
Without waiting for a response, River and I lead the way out of the tent. We all pack up and then move, slowly in the dark, down the hill, toward the parking lot.
A cold draft beer beats camping any day of the week.
Thursday:
1:04 AM
Me: Want to hear great news? We’re heading home early. It seems that the team has bonded enough trying to get the tent to withstand this rainstorm. (Laughing Emoji) I’m not into this, Harper. Please don’t ever ask me to go camping.
6:02 AM
Harper: BEST MESSAGE TO WAKE UP TO! Are you home yet? And sorry but I’m not sorry that camping sucked.
8:43 AM
Me: Sorry, baby. I passed out the second I got home. I still feel like I didn’t sleep enough. Are we on for dinner?
Harper: Welcome back! I’m sorry, I forgot about a happy hour I promised the guys on the team I’d attend. And, since I’m trying to forge more female friendships, I’m hoping a few of their girlfriends join. But one drink, then I’m yours!
I sigh, trying to stave off my disappointment. I’ve gotten spoiled, with Harper and me hanging out nearly every day during the summer break. But now that she’s caught up in preseason and I’m gearing up for training, our days end later and sometimes we miss each other all together. I know it’s just the first week but with us living one floor apart, I didn’t think carving out time would be this hard.
I miss Harper so fucking much and…does she really need to attend this happy hour? Can’t she go to the next one? Still, it’s her job and she’s only been there a year. I don’t want to give her a hard time since I’m proud of her for loving her work so much. Besides, I know how much she misses having female friends and if some of the Coyotes’ significant others are joining along, then it will be good for Harper to go.
8:47 AM
Me: Okay, I’ll see you after.
12:42 PM
Me: Hey, Coach called a meeting tonight. We’re just catching up and watching some game tape. I’m so fucking sorry. And annoyed. I miss you. Call you when I get home.
2:51 PM
Harper: Ahhh, that sucks. Of course. Tonight! I’m going to kiss you so hard.
Me: I can’t fucking wait.
I add another weight plate to each end of the bar and get ready to squat. My Apple AirPods are full blast, filling my head with throwback hip-hop instead of the negative thoughts that have been rolling around since my parents’ anniversary party. That, coupled with my barely seeing Harper this week, has me in a piss-poor mood.
This week, the distance between us has me rattled. I miss her and it scares me how much I need her. How unsettled I feel with a handful of chirpy text messages as the only communication between us. Harper is the best woman I’ve ever known and yet, can she really be mine?
Taking her home to meet my family was both a wake-up call and a mistake. A wake-up call because it reminded me just how different the world I hail from is. Just how manipulative my mom can be when proving a point. Just how broken Fiona is in her marriage. Just how off the rails Charlie has gotten. Except for my dad, who tries his best to hold it all together and put on a brave face, my family has been splintering apart at the seams for years.
And introducing Harper to the Barneses was a mistake. Because it proved how good and pure and generous my girl is. She’s not meant to break bread with the Cecilias of my world. She’s not built for Charlie’s late-night demons. And what kind of a partner will I be in the future? When hockey is over and I have to decide the after that my family always brings up?
I fucking hate that Sean Collins is sniffing around again. Has he messaged her this week? Has he tried to intercept her at work? It pisses me off that I don’t know because I’ve barely spoken to her.
After the fucker broke her heart, she shouldn’t give him the time of day. And maybe she really isn’t. But he clearly knows what he lost. Any man who lost Harper would never fully come back from that. Not unless they got a second chance with the beauty who outshines every other woman.
The distance that’s evolved between Harper and me this week has me questioning too many things. It’s making me think shit I wouldn’t think if I could just wrap her in my arms and kiss her hard.
It has me considering her history with Sean as a threat. Their shared past and similar upbringings has me envisioning their future. And when I do, it’s crystal fucking clear. Sean and Harper make sense in ways that Harper and I never will.
I know she doesn’t want him. But would she be better off with a man like him? Someone from her hometown. A man who wants to stay in Tennessee and build something from the ground up. A man committed to the community, the way she wants to put down roots. A man to experience those thrilling hungry years with, when the future isn’t certain, and the money isn’t readily available. Does she desire a salt-of-the-earth man who doesn’t have a closet filled with ugly family secrets and piles of emotional baggage?
I do an extra set, grunting as my legs begin to fatigue. Training camp kicks off on Monday and yet, I want to burn myself out today. I want to feel too fucking tired to think. Or dwell.
The bar clangs back onto the rack and I step away, reaching for my water bottle. Sweat pours down my spine and my shirt is soaked around my collar and under my arms.
“Hey!” A hand thumps heavily on my back.
I pull an AirPod from my ear and turn, surprised to see Beau Turner. “Hey. What’s up, man?”
He tips his chin at me. “Not much. Thought I’d come to The Honeycomb today for a workout. I had breakfast this morning with Gran.”
“How’s she doing?”
He smirks. “Trying to sign me up for a dance class.”
I grin. “Your gran is something else.”
“Yeah,” he agrees. “How was your weekend in Connecticut?”
I sigh, grabbing a towel and plopping down on a bench. “Amazing and awful,” I answer honestly.
Beau sits on a workout bench near mine, his gaze thoughtful. He’s a great guy, a solid teammate, but no one on the team is super tight with him. In all fairness, I guess no one is super tight with me either, but I can give off the illusion of closeness.
Beau Turner keeps to himself in a different way. As a veteran, having served in Afghanistan as well as embassy duties, he’s loyal, honest, and considerate. He’s also quiet, introspective, and struggling. The dark shadows that pass through his eyes, the way he’s sometimes lost in thought, mentally in a different place, speaks to experiences no one else on the team fully understands.
He doesn’t badmouth anyone. He doesn’t make promises he can’t keep. He doesn’t boast or wager or drink too much. He never brings around women or has a flavor of the week. No, Beau Turner is the kind of man other men emulate, even when they don’t know his full story. He’s the kind of guy you can confide in, even if he never reciprocates.
“Things with Harper changed?” he guesses, alluding to our unfinished conversation during the hike.
It’s on the tip of my tongue to make a joke, to reach for humor, to blow off the concern in his gaze. But something about Beau’s expression, about how much he seems to care about my response, about me, causes me to share the truth. “I care about her,” I mutter, taking a swig of water. “More than care about her.”
“And your family?”
I half smile. “She charmed my dad. My mom, well, that’s another story.” I sigh. “My siblings are both experiencing some big, life-changing issues.” I don’t elaborate but with Beau, I don’t have to. He’s perceptive enough to read between the lines.
“So are you,” Beau comments.
I look up sharply. I’m nothing like Charlie or Fiona. And yet, I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that Fiona’s words got to me. If you love her, Damien, let her go.
Beau tilts his head. “You’ve changed since you met Harper. I’ve seen you more than any of the guys this summer and I promise, they’ve all noticed a difference in you. You’re more open. You share more. You’re less guarded.” He shrugs.
“That’s not a good thing.”
“Why not?”
I blow out a sigh, grasp the back of my neck. I fucking hate conversations like these and yet, Beau isn’t making it awkward. “I’m leaving myself wide open, man.”
“To get hurt?”
I nod.
He smirks. “You think you can be in any type of real relationship—romantic, platonic, familial—and not be open to that? It’s part of the territory. Otherwise, it’s more surface than real.”
I swallow as his words slam into me. He’s right. I’m not really close with anyone except Harper. The things I’ve shared with her I wouldn’t even tell Fiona or Charlie. Fiona was more embarrassed that I witnessed her exchange with Gary more than she was about Gary’s cheating.
If you love her, Damien, let her go.
Would I end up disappointing, or worse, hurting Harper? Would she be better off with someone else?
“Her ex is sniffing around again,” I toss out, pissed off that Sean is on the periphery of her life. Wanting to know what Beau thinks about it.
“So? Is she engaging him or shutting it down?”
“Shutting it down.”
He grins. “You can’t be mad at her for being a beautiful, thoughtful woman. I saw this shit with my sister and man, Bea’s ex drives me nuts. But I couldn’t really blame him for wanting to make things right with her, you know?”
“Yeah,” I mutter, seeing his point even though I don’t want to.
“What’s really holding you back, man?” Beau cuts to the heart of the matter. “Because these sound like excuses.”
“It’s not going to last,” I murmur, my voice cracking.
Beau frowns. “Why not?”
“Because nothing good ever lasts,” I remind him, knowing it’s the truth. I’ve never witnessed a relationship from anyone in my age group, from my generation, that’s been able to make it work for the long haul.
After the honeymoon phase ends, I’ve only seen the cheating, the gambling, the alcohol and drugs. I’ve known about the other women, witnessed the crushed families, and ached for the broken homes of small children. I’ve heard my parents’ arguments and while they’ve managed to make it work, they’re from a different generation. They’re old school. Their betrayals and faults would never survive a relationship today.
“You don’t truly believe that…” Beau studies me.
“Harper’s pure, Beau. She’s a good woman.”
“Then be a good man,” he volleys.
“Yeah,” I say, agreeing with his point even though I don’t know how to commit to that. How do you be exactly what your partner needs forever? Through all the changes and ups and downs? How do you not fuck it up?
If you love her, Damien, let her go.
“But the long distance,” I throw out. “That would be tough.”
“You haven’t been traded.”
I sigh and stare tight at Beau. “What if I stop making her happy?”
He straightens, leans forward, and stares right at me. His eyes flare with understanding. “You’re overthinking this, Barnes. Take it one day at a time and address challenges as they come up, without letting them grow into something bigger. Don’t throw up walls where there should be doors.”
I nod, knowing that Beau’s making valid points. Yet all I can see is Fiona’s tear-streaked face. All I hear is Mom’s remarks about landing a husband and raising children. Dad’s offer about joining the family company.
Could a man who belongs to a family like that truly make a woman like Harper happy? Could I really be enough for the love that she effortlessly gives? Or will I only end up ruining a beautiful, thoughtful woman?
If you love her, Damien, let her go.
After a grueling workout with Turner, I call it a day and head home. It’s nearly evening by the time I shower, order some dinner, and check my phone to see if Harper messaged.
Harper: Hey! Grabbing drinks with the team now. Bonding and all that jazz. See you after?
Me: Have fun. Yes! Call me for a ride.
I wait fifteen minutes for a reply, but it never comes. Feeling slightly defeated, which is stupid since I know she’s busy with work, I pour a drink and head to the balcony. For most of last year, Harper would eventually make an appearance on her balcony. Sometimes, it was with a drink in hand. Other nights, when the temperature dipped, with a tea or hot chocolate. And some of my favorite evenings were when she unrolled a yoga mat and worked through a practice in nothing but tight-ass leggings and a flimsy sports bra.
But tonight, she’s out and her balcony is quiet. Empty.
Fuck, I miss her, and it’s only been a few days since we ate ice cream and joked around. Is this how the entire season will be? With me longing for her while she makes great strides in her career?
My phone rings and I grin, thinking it’s Harper but when Dad’s name flashes across the screen, I groan.
“Hey,” I answer.
“Damien, good.” His voice is clipped.
My disappointment morphs into concern. “What’s wrong?”
“Charlie’s been arrested.”
“What?” I stand up and walk back inside, begin to pace my living room. “For what?”
“DUI. Fucking idiot,” Dad mutters. In the background, I hear his fingers clacking away at a keyboard. “I’m pulling some strings, getting him out.”
“Of course,” I say, trying to keep the sarcasm form my tone. The Barnes family are master puppeteers when it comes to pulling strings. “What do you need?”
Dad clears his throat. “Your brother’s hurting and I’m going to get him the help he needs. But, I’m calling about Fiona.”
“Okay…” Does he know that Gary cheated on her? Does he know about Gabby? Did something else happen?
“She’s here.”
“Okay.”
“She and Garrett arrived a few hours ago, bags in hand.”
I close my eyes and try not to smile. “She’s leaving him.”
“Your mother—”
“Don’t let Mom talk Fiona into staying with Gary. He’s a fuckwad and—”
“Prepared the guest suite,” Dad finishes his statement and I breathe out a sigh of relief.
“She’s really leaving him.” I smile.
“Your mom had her doubts but once Fiona mentioned Gabby…” Dad trails off. “Well, it will be tough for Gary to find work, or a social network, going forward.”
“Good.”
“Fiona’s staying with us for the foreseeable future. When she’s ready, I offered her Gary’s position.”
I chuckle, so fucking happy and relieved to hear this news. “Good,” I say again, walking in circles around my house. “I can come home right now, if you need me.”
“You start training next week,” Dad reminds me.
“I don’t care.”
“I do,” Dad replies. “I know we’ve been hard on you, Damien. But out of everyone, I’m the proudest of you.”
I pull up short. I must have heard that wrong. “What?”
Dad sighs. “You’re the only one of my kids who followed your heart. Cultivated your own interests and dreams and went after them. You’re the only one who can stand on your own two feet. Like a man. And I’m proud of you for that.”
“I, uh…” I scratch the back of my neck, caught so off guard I can’t respond. I clear my throat. “Thank you, Dad. That—it means a lot.”
“Should’ve fucking said it sooner. But your mother wants you home. Working for the company.”
“Yeah,” I say, knowing exactly what Mom wants. And Mom always gets what Mom wants.
“Just…play your heart out this season.”
I sigh out a breathless laugh.
“And when you’re ready for what’s next, the whole company, everything, is yours for the taking.”
“Dad?” I ask, wanting to know that I heard him correctly.
“Fiona probably deserves it more than you,” he murmurs, as if he’s forgotten I’m on the line, “but you’re the only one who can fully handle it. I trust you, Damien.”
“I—thanks, Dad.”
“I trust you,” he repeats. Then, “I’m going to post bail for your brother now. We’ll get him into a private rehab facility. Should’ve fucking done that sooner too but we didn’t want to make waves.”
No, Mom didn’t want to make waves…but I don’t say that. I don’t say anything.
“I’ll call tomorrow to check on Fiona,” I say. “FaceTime with Garrett.”
“Yes, please do. That would be good. Good night, Damien.”
“Night, Dad.” I hang up the phone.
I resume walking aimlessly around my apartment, grappling with my emotions, trying to make sense of my conversation with Dad. This past week, too many things have shifted.
My feelings for Harper. Our relationship.
My relationship with Dad. My understanding of Fiona. The demons Charlie battles.
The future. What do I want? Deep down, I’ve always wanted the tight-knit family that Beau Turner has, that Harper talks about. If I take over the company, could I help create those familial bonds? Could Fiona, Charlie, and I grow Dad’s vision with me at the helm?
He wants to give me the company because he trusts me.
Confused and overwhelmed, I head back to my balcony, look down for Harper. But her unit is still dark, her balcony empty. I sigh and sink back into my chair, staring at Harper’s place, mentally willing her lights to come on.
I don’t want to bother her but tonight, fuck tonight I really need her. I need someone to help me process my thoughts, these swirling emotions. She’s the only one I’d ever confide in about my family.
Me: Hey, Harp, how’s the bar? You need a ride?
A response never comes. At eleven PM, I turn in for the night, having committed to an early morning run with Beau.
In the morning, I feel defeated that she never replied. Never called. Never came up to my place, even though she has the elevator code.
Is she troubled about the weekend with my family too? Is she second-guessing things? Second-guessing me?
Or is she just exhausted from her first week of preseason and sleeping off a few too many drinks?
The fact that I’m filled with uncertainty bothers me. It fills me with a sense of foreboding and makes me want to shut down. To erect the walls Beau warned me away from.
Blowing out a sigh, I toss on a T-shirt and shorts. Then, I meet Beau and a very grumpy Axel for an early morning run and workout.
When Axel mentions being Maisy and Mila’s designated driver and giving Harper a ride home from the bar, my head nearly snaps off my neck. She never called me. She never came over.
She’s pulling away, just like I knew she would.