It seemed to Margaret that Leona looked after Wally as much now as she did when he was younger. Indeed, it seemed as if she was always there for him when he got into trouble, usually for irritating Arlene, something he reveled in doing, or when something traumatic happened and he needed reassurance. The number of times the former happened was countless, but the latter was not that infrequent either. Probably his most traumatizing experience happened in the fall of 1923 when he was only eight. He and Leona were getting ready to play in a pile of dry leaves that they had raked up the previous day.
“The last one in is a rotten egg,” Wally yelled to his sister as they walked from the kitchen and through the living room. Then he raced out the back door toward the pile of leaves, took a running leap, and landed smack in the middle of the pile. That’s when the little boy felt something squishy under his hand. He felt it move and then saw two bright-green snakes slithering out from under the leaves.
“Snakes!” the frightened boy yelled; and faster than lightning he jumped up and ran to Leona.
“It’s okay, Wally,” she said. “Those are just grass snakes. They won’t hurt you.”
The shaken boy was skeptical. He always had a fear of snakes, but from that day forward his fear was replaced by terror, and anytime the two played in the leaves Leona had to make a habit of walking through them first, kicking the leaves vigorously to be sure no snakes were hiding there. Only then would Wally go near the leaves; even then, reluctantly. And anytime someone even mentioned snake, and more often than not that was Arlene, Wally would run away and no amount of coaxing could make him return. On the day Wally first encountered the snakes, Leona felt so bad for her brother that she gave him something very special to make him feel better about playing in the leaves.
“Here, Wally, from now on Comet is yours. With him as your sidekick you won’t have to worry about snakes ever again.”
“What do you mean?” he asked.
“Don’t you know? Snakes are afraid of cats, so just keep Comet with you and they will take off whenever they see the two of you coming; and if you want to play in the leaves just let Comet go in first and he’ll chase ‘em away.”
That did the trick. From that day on, Wally seldom went anywhere without Comet. If he did, you can be assured that it would be a place where snakes would never be found.
—1—
Although Leona was always supportive and tried to help her brother overcome his fear of snakes, Arlene used his fear to her advantage. Since the age of seven Wally was always playing tricks on her, such as hiding her things or short-sheeting her bed, just to aggravate his sister. Indeed, he was relentless, and the madder she got, the more devious the tricks he wanted to play.
Finally, one morning in the summer of ‘24, when he refused to get out of bed, Arlene got her revenge. She found a short rope and threw it onto Wally’s bed, yelling: “SNAKE!” He jumped out of bed, ran down the stairs, and didn’t stop running ‘til he heard his sisters laughing; and then he knew he’d been tricked.
“Arlene!” he yelled. “You scared the crap out of me. You better be sleeping with one eye open from now on.”
His sisters laughed even louder when Arlene replied:
“And you better be sleeping with both eyes open.”
Not one to go back on her word, the next day Arlene came home with a rubber snake that she had bought at a novelty store in Bangor, and waited until her mother called everyone to supper. Then she placed it on Wally’s chair at the supper table.
As usual, Wally was the last one to make his way to the table, and his sisters were watching with great anticipation as he pulled the chair out and sat down.
Suddenly he jumped up screaming and was halfway out the door when he heard Arlene.
“What’s the matter, Wally? You afraid of a little piece of rubber now?”
He turned and saw Arlene swinging the fake snake over her head and then watched her toss it across the kitchen toward him. Even though he now realized that the snake was not real, he still jumped back when it landed at his feet.
“Don’t be scared, little brother,” Arlene mocked, “rubber isn’t poisonous, and it sure as heck doesn’t bite.”
Wally’s face turned red when he saw everyone at the table laughing, including his parents. Both Margaret and Murdock tried hard not to laugh, but Arlene’s prank was so comical that they couldn’t help it. It also didn’t hurt that they had seen Arlene suffer over-and-over again because of Wally’s annoying pranks.
Arlene was pleased with her latest prank, but she wasn’t nearly satisfied; she needed to do something else—something even more humiliating for her brother—so she waited patiently to really get even for all the tricks Wally played on her.
—2—
A few days later she heard Wally tell Leona that he was going skinny-dipping in the stream. Arlene followed him and hid quietly in the woods until she saw her brother take off his clothes and jump into the water. When he wasn’t looking she stole his clothes, leaving only his shoes, and ran all the way home as fast as she could. Arlene gathered with her sisters in Leona’s bedroom, and they watched the back field until they saw Wally sneaking out of the woods, totally naked. He ran from tree to tree toward the house, hiding behind each tree just long enough to be sure the coast was clear. His sister’s laughed hysterically. When he finally made it to the back porch he saw Arlene standing in the doorway holding his clothes.
“Looking for these, Wally?” she teased, exhibiting a sly grin.
“I’m gonna kill you, Arlene!” he yelled.
But she closed the door and quickly locked it before he could get inside. Then she ran upstairs to Leona’s room. The Haley girls leaned out the window, each mockingly waving a piece of Wally’s clothes, while laughing and mercilessly teasing him.
“Hey, Wally,” Arlene yelled, “how come you’re bent over and holding your hands like that; you trying to hide something?”
Her sisters were laughing uncontrollably, and Wally was looking up at her with daggers in his eyes, saying:
“You’re dead, Arlene.”
But Arlene wasn’t done; she spoke again.
“I bet you’re glad it’s a warm day today, little brother. It’d be too bad if you froze that little thing off.”
“Damn you, Arlene. You think you’re so smart, don’t you?”
“A whole lot smarter than you,” she answered. “Now tell me something I don’t know.”
Arlene kept unmercifully teasing Wally until he was finally let in by his mother.
“For God’s sake, Wally!” Margaret exclaimed. “What in Heaven’s name are you doing outside with no clothes on?”
—3—
Wally became more and more mischievous as time went on, and Arlene wasn’t his only victim, just his most frequent one. Lillian, and even Leona, suffered from his pranks, although the pranks he played on them weren’t nearly as evil as the ones he played on Arlene. Though, there was one trick he played on Lillian that really upset her.
Lillian was getting ready for school in late April and was about to leave. She went to grab her schoolbooks from a shelf above the hallway coat rack, and they weren’t there.
“Mama, have you seen my books?” she asked.
“No, dear, where did you put them.”
“The same place I always put them. On the shelf near the door.”
“Are you sure?” Margaret asked.
“I’m positive.”
“Well, if they’re not there, you must’ah forgot this morning.”
“I know I put them there.”
“Well, I don’t see them. They’ve got to be somewhere though. I’ll help you look.”
They searched the house for ten minutes and still couldn’t find the books.
“I don’t know what to say, Lil. You’re gonna have to leave without your books this morning, or you’ll miss the trolley.”
“But, Mama, my homework is with my books, and I need to pass it in on time to have any chance of getting an ‘A’ in American History.”
Just then, Margaret noticed Wally in the living room watching them and laughing.
“Wally!” she yelled. “Get your devilish butt in here.”
As soon as Wally walked into the kitchen, Margaret said: “You have ten seconds to find Lillian’s books or you’re in real trouble, mister.”
When Wally heard his mother call him mister, he knew he was already in big trouble. He walked across the kitchen, lifted the trap door to the cellar, and took Lillian’s books off the top step. He was laughing as he handed the books to his sister.
“You idiot!” Lillian yelled. “I was up past midnight doing my homework and you made me think I lost it. Can I kill him, Mama?”
“It’s a tempting thought, dear, but no. Now, get on your way and I’ll take care of your brother.”
After a good scolding from his mother, Wally headed for school, knowing that he wouldn’t be spending much time with his friends for at least a week.
—4—
Even after he had served his time, Wally had not learned his lesson. About three weeks later Margaret was baking an apple pie. After she took it from the oven she covered it with a checkered dishcloth, opened the window, and placed it on the sill to cool. Wally was outside playing hide-and-seek with his friend Earl Terrill, and he noticed the pie sitting there, just tempting him. Since Wally was starving, he decided to take it, leaving only the cloth on the sill.
“Boy that pie sure looks good,” Earl said.
“Yup, do you want some?” Wally asked.
“Sure, but where did you get it?”
“From my mother. She’s a real good mother.”
“I’ll say,” Earl said. “My mother would never give me a pie all to myself.”
“Let’s grab our fishing poles and head down to the stream,” Wally said. “We can eat it there.”
When Wally returned home later that day, Margaret only had one question for him:
“Where’s my pie?”
“What pie?” he said.
“Don’t play coy with me, young man. The pie you took off the windowsill.”
“How did you know?” he asked.
“When I saw it was missing I went outside and saw you and Earl walking into the woods with it. Now, what did you do with it?”
“We ate it,” Wally answered.
“You ate it, did you,” Margaret said. “What made you think that would be okay?”
“You did. When I asked what you were doing this morning, you said you were baking me a pie.”
“That was rhetorical, Wally! The pie was for the family, and I think you knew that. Now go to your room, young man, and expect your father to be making a call on you when he gets home.”
As he was walking away, Margaret had one more question for her son.
“How old are you now, Wally?”
“Nine,” he answered.
“Well, the way you’re going, don’t expect to make it to ten.”
As Wally walked away, Margaret shook her head and said to herself:
“And if you do make it to ten without changing your ways, I’m sure as heck not gonna make it to my next birthday.”
Then she smiled.
—5—
One day Leona was visiting Jill and they were talking about the four boys who had picked on her.
“If I never see those boys again, it will be too soon,” Jill joked.
“Like I said before, Jill,” Leona said, “I don’t think we have to worry about them anymore.”
As soon as Leona said that, she laughed.
“What’s so funny, Leona?” Jill asked.
“I was just thinking: maybe we don’t have to worry about boys, but I’m not so sure about Arlene.”
“How so?” Jill asked.
“There’s one boy she has a lot to worry about: Wally.”
“Huh?”
“He drives her crazy with the tricks he plays on her. He’s always short-sheeting her bed, and just last night he was lucky she didn’t kill him.”
“Why, what was different about last night?” Jill asked.
Leona began her story.
“I was in my room getting ready for bed, and when Arlene jumped into her bed I heard her scream. And then I heard her run down the stairs yelling: ‘Mama, Papa, I’m gonna kill Wally.’
“‘What did he do now, Arlene?’ Mama asked.
“‘He poured a cup of sugar between my sheets,’ she said. Her face was beet-red with anger.
“Mama said: ‘All right, change your sheets and your Papa and I will take care of Wally.’
“Arlene was so mad, she said: ‘I hope you beat the living crap out of him.’
Jill laughed.
“‘Never you mind,’ Mama said. ‘Now get to bed.’
“I had sneaked down the stairs and was watching, and when Arlene turned away from them I saw Mama and Papa look at each other and smile.
“Papa asked: ‘Are you gonna talk to Wally this time? Or am I?’
“Mama says: ‘I’ll do it; you did it last time.’ And then she went looking for Wally. He was in the living room, and when she found him he was giggling. He had heard everything and was real proud of himself.
“Mama said: ‘Okay, Wally, what’s your excuse this time? And while your at it you might as well tell me why I shouldn’t ground you for a month.’
“‘A month!?’ Wally screamed. ‘Come on, Mama; it wasn’t that bad. I could’ah done a lot worse. Besides, Arlene asked for it.’
“Then Mama says: ‘I’m sure you could have done worse, young man! There’s not a doubt in my mind about that. And how in God’s name did she ask for it?’
“‘She’s annoying. Plus, she looked at me funny,’ he answered.
“‘Oh! Well, that’s different,’ Mama said. ‘I can understand how that would upset you so.’
“Wally is so dense; he thought he had gotten away with it. He didn’t realize that Mama was being facetious; or is it sarcastic? I guess both. Regardless, Wally had no clue, as usual.
“‘Wally, do you think I’m an idiot?’ Mama asked. Wally knew he was in trouble then. ‘Now go to bed,’ she said, ‘and I’ll tell you in the morning what your punishment will be. And don’t you ever go wasting my sugar like that. Money doesn’t grow on trees you know.’
“Mama’s smart, Jill. She knew he’d toss and turn all night wondering what she and Papa were gonna do. When she went back to the kitchen, she told Papa: ‘Making him wait like that will be worse than the punishment.’ And she was right.”
—6—
“Did Wally play any other tricks that you haven’t told me about?” Jill asked.
“Are you kidding?” Leona said. “I could tell you Wally stories the rest of the day, and all day tomorrow, and I’d still have more to tell.”
Jill laughed and said, “Then tell me the worst thing Wally did, and save the rest for another day.”
“Hmmm? The worst thing? Let me think. Oh yes, Wally nearly met his Maker when he played this one.”
“Oh, I can’t wait to hear it,” Jill said.
“Well, just last spring, on a Sunday afternoon, Wally and Lillian were outside playing catch, and the rest of us were in the house. Suddenly, Wally comes bolting through the door and runs to Arlene, screaming in a panicked voice: ‘Help! Help! The baseball rolled into the road and Lillian chased after it, and she was run over by Mr. Kelley’s horse and buggy. I think she’s dead.’
“Well, Mama let out this gawd-awful scream, and she and Papa went running out the door, and Arlene and I were right behind them. Our hearts must’ah been racing a hundred miles an hour, and we were all crying hysterically. Well, except for Papa; he had this worried, determined look on his face.
“We looked toward the road and didn’t see Lillian, so we ran to it, thinking she was hidden by the bushes on the side of the road, or maybe lying in the ditch. When we got to the road, we still couldn’t see her.”
“Where was Lillian?” Jill asked.
“It turns out she was using the outhouse. Anyway, it wasn’t long before we heard Wally behind us, laughing his fool head off. When we turned around, the idiot yelled: ‘April Fool!’”
“What!?” Jill exclaimed. “Are you serious, Leona?”
“Ohhh yes. Mama was sooo mad she could have killed him right then and there. In fact, she said: ‘Murdy, get your son out of my sight before I introduce him to the grim reaper.’
“Papa says: ‘Don’t worry, Maggie, I’m of a mind to kill him myself. If I decide to, promise me you’ll visit me at the jail.’
“And Mama says: ‘No problem; it’ll be my pleasure.’
“Well, Arlene and I nearly died laughing when we heard that. Anyway, Papa grabbed Wally’s arm and dragged him to the woodshed. I tell ya, he wasn’t laughing the least little bit when Papa got done with him. But Arlene sure was.
“After he could finally sit, Mama and Papa sat Wally down and read him the riot act, for at least an hour. I remember them telling him that most any April Fools joke was fair game, but joking about someone dying crossed the line. They finally got it into his thick skull, and he never did anything like that again, although he came close a few times.”
Jill was laughing when Leona finished the story.
—7—
Now it was Jill’s turn to make Leona laugh.
“You know, I always wanted a little brother,” she said, “but now, after hearing about your brother, I should get down on my knees and thank the good Lord for sparing me the agony.”
Leona laughed hysterically.
“Speaking of God, Jill, that reminds me of something that Arlene did.”
“What’s that?” Jill asked.
“Well, Arlene was always good at making up poems, and she made up one about Wally when he was being particularly obnoxious. It was hilarious.”
“Do you remember it?” Jill asked.
“I could never forget it,” Leona replied. “It goes:
“MY OBNOXIOUS BROTHER!
“When I was born, I had the best mother.
“A wonderful sister, and soon another.
“I prayed to God, to give me a brother.
“A few years later, He gave me a brother.
“I really loved my cute, little brother.
“And for a while, with love I did smother.
“Then he changed, becoming like no other.
“Playing mean tricks on me, making me suffer.
“He became the devil, so I ran for cover.
“Thinking, with a pillow I could smother.
“I prayed to God, can I please kill my brother.
“God said NO, so much longer I must suffer.
“Still, I can’t stop thinking, with a pillow I could smother.
“My annoying, obnoxious, devil of a brother.”
“That’s so funny,” Jill said. “What did Wally think of the poem?”
“He loved it,” Leona said. “Probably because now he knew how much he was really annoying Arlene. And Mama and Papa really loved it too, but of course for a very different reason.”