3
BASHIR BINLADEN
CALLING YOURSELF Binladen, the most wanted man on the planet, it's too-too much, right? Binladen, the biggest richkiller. His big head with fine-fine beard, most expensive in the world. Worth fifty million dollar. Our new president, old camel pee compared to that. Bush the cowboy president of the Americas want Binladen dead or alive. Also the rich fat-cat Saudis, and his real family, blood of his blood same father same mother, disown Binladen cause they afraid of catching big American revenge. So, Binladen terriblific. But me, I'm mini-Binladen, see, like Madonna dolls, Michael Jackson dolls, the other things there in small-small size. I don't got fine beard and big head of Binladen but watch out, I'm wicked and pitiless. I suicided men, enemy Wadags and other men not enemies. I trashed houses, I drilled girls, I pirated shopkeepers. I pooped in the mosque, but don't shout that from rooftops cause I was very pickled. I done it all. Easy to do things-there when you sleep, you dream, you eat with a Kalashnikov or even an Uzi. Uzi is attack rifle, it's Israeli I'm telling you, believe my word. Israelis too-too strong for war. African heads of state like so-so much Israeli bodyguards cause Israeli bodyguards they protect from military coup like rubber protect from AIDS you get me? At the front, I was the man who shot faster than his shadow, Marlboro in my mouth like that, bazoom bazoom. Sniper the Americans say, I saw that in movie at Youssouf's: Youssouf, he show movies at his house. Snipers against Bosnians, that the name of the movie. They say all the time Bosnians Muslim, but me I don't believe it cause those guys have white face an all that.
So, kill, destroy the other side, eat enemies' hearts, OK. By who? Why? That none of my business. I get my orders, chief say kill that fat rebel sonofabitch, I kill without fear or fault cause you gotta obey chief. Way the army is. Our chief got chief he gotta obey too. Chief of all chiefs on the northern front, his name Mad Mullah. He drink whiskey in daytime, drink whiskey at night. When he not drinking whiskey he opening bottles of beer with the barrel of his AK-47 an yelling orders quick-quick. I thought about it but I never found out why Mad Mullah his name. Maybe you know his name-there, his rank, uniform, his little darlin's perfume an all that. Me I shut my trap about that cause this business not real clear. Maybe we learn about that before long.
On the front, lot of us didn't have no uniform. Draftees cruited quick-quick like me. How old are ya, kid? Eighteen, I lied for real. Where you from? District 6, Djibouti. You're a kid from the magalla,* get over there. Into the courtyard, fall in! Tomorrow you leave for Yoboki. OK, dismessed. I didn't even know what to do. I stood planted there front of cruiting officer. You deaf, or what? Move it! That I know all right. Hour later, I was in military truck with my new buddies, Ayanleh, Warya, Aïdid, Haïssama, an all that. Aïdid, that not real name. Aïdid, he the Somalian general who screwed the American soldiers. Aïdid, champion in battle, Platini1 of war. Americans, they making a real movie to show how Aïdid there, he too-too wicked. Aïdid, he got an expensive head, too. Ten million dollars. Our new president flat like old chewed-chewed piece of gum compare to that. No, I say big bravo Aïdid and also he friend with our president not with rebels. Long story short, he no moron like our chief instructor or asshole general now residing in Gabode prison. Yuck.
OK, I gotta confirm this story right away: yes, in the army everyone's not native, plenty cousins from Somalia there. Some come from Mengistu's army, specially with the rebels. There's real foreigners even, I mean Gaallos*—you know, Whites. Poles, Lebanese or Albanese, Czechoslowhatians an all that. All those guys, they mercenaries like they say in fancy French. But that top military secret. I know a real general who helped our president for cheap in great battle of Obock. His name Saxardid, I'm telling the true truth, believe me faithfully, he was second chief of Somalian army with Siyad Barre. Real bloodthirsty one, that guy. Holy shit! Siyad, he was worser than our president who stopped the war. He gobbled little kids not to die old-old. Haile Selassie, he was bigger kid-eater than Siyad Barre with his wife-there, Queen Menem. She liked flesh and fresh blood of children too-too much. So, because of ceasefire, me, I'm demobilized. Not cool, right? Without Kalashnikov you can't pick up rich stuff everywhere no more. That not charity. That civilian life there, it's real shame, you don't scare no one no more. The pretty girls, they boycott you for real. The ugly girls they turn their heads away when you walk in front of their face. The always-unemployed they say out loud hey there's a new unemployed, when before you used to go: bang! boot in the gut here you bastard take that in the belly. Even little mouse laugh at you. City say war no good, no good, like that Congolese singer. But I don't agree. I say war too-too good for sure.
1. Great French soccer player of the 1980s.—Translators' note