On workdays I found it very hard to climb out of my warm bed, but on Saturdays this was never a problem.
Nellie was still sitting on her bed rubbing her eyes, while I was already dressed and ready to go. As always, I was excited, but I had to bottle up my feelings. How could I let Nellie see how happy I was when she had no trips home to look forward to?
How could I talk about my mam, when she had no mam at all?
‘I’ll see you tonight, then,’ I said.
‘Yes,’ said Nellie. ‘And I hope you have a lovely time with your mam and your brothers and sisters.’
‘Thank you. It’s nice of you to say that, since … well …’
She shrugged. ‘You’re my friend. I want you to be happy.’
‘Saying that I’m your friend makes me very happy,’ I said. ‘And I wish you could be happy too.’
‘Thank you,’ she whispered. I smiled at her, but I think we both wondered how my wish could possibly come true.
It was too early for breakfast, but I knew cook would find me something to eat. She was being extra-nice to me since I’d mended her best dress a few days earlier.
‘Ah, my favourite little seamstress,’ she said when she saw me. ‘Sit yourself down and I’ll have the scullery maid bring you some bread and hot milk and maybe a nice egg to keep you going on your journey.’
Cook laughed when I cleaned my plate, and had second helpings too. ‘Slow down, Lily,’ she said. ‘You’re eating as if you weren’t going to see food again for a month.’
My mouth was too full to answer her, but I didn’t know what to say anyway. How could I explain that I didn’t like to eat much at home? Every scrap I ate was one less for everyone else, and it hurt me to see Winnie’s skinny little legs, and Mam’s fake smile when she said she had enough, even when she’d barely had a thing.
But maybe cook understood anyway. She went into the pantry and a few minutes later she came back with a basket covered with a clean white cloth.
‘I ordered a bit too much this week,’ she said, as she handed the basket to me. ‘And I wouldn’t like to see it spoil. It would be a great help to me if you could give these few small things to your mam.’
I pulled back the cloth to see a basket full of treasure. There were eggs and carrots and parsnips and cheese and a big hunk of fruit cake.
‘Oh, Cook,’ I said. ‘My mam will––’
‘I forgot something,’ she said, and she ran back into the pantry, coming back with something large wrapped in brown paper. ‘A little bit of ham,’ she said as she put it into the basket, and tucked the cloth neatly around everything.
Meat of any kind was a big treat in our house, and this looked like the biggest piece of ham we’d ever had.
‘Thank you so much,’ I said. ‘You are truly kind and my mam will remember this day forever.’
Cook looked embarrassed. ‘Get along with you,’ she said. ‘Or it’ll be time for you to come back before you even get to the gate.’
* * *
Mam met me in the front yard and she cried when she saw what was in the basket. That made Winnie cry too, and then Anne, who never liked to be left out of anything, joined in too.
‘No, don’t cry, sillies,’ I said. ‘Mam is happy.’
They looked puzzled at first, but when she saw that Mam was smiling through her tears, Anne started to dance around in circles. Winnie copied her, and then Mam and I joined in. The four of us held hands and danced around the yard like wild things, and we didn’t care if anyone saw us. In the end, Mam threw herself down on the bench and the girls jumped on top of her. I sat beside them as we all laughed and tried to catch our breath.
‘Oh, Lily,’ said Mam putting her arm around me. ‘That laugh makes me feel ten years younger.’
I lay my head on her shoulder and enjoyed the moment. It was so nice not having to worry if my hair was messy, or if I was being polite enough, or quiet enough, or obedient enough. That’s what I missed about home. I missed being me.
* * *
Later, while I was helping Mam to put the food in the cool cupboard in the back yard, I told her all about Nellie.
‘The poor little pet,’ she said. ‘What a life she’s had. Still though, now she’s had a piece of luck.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘She got the best girl in all of Ireland as a friend, and that’s a rare treat.’
‘Thank you, Mam.’
‘I love hearing all your stories from the Big House,’ she said. ‘Thinking about my Lily serving all them fancy people gives me a lift. I’m sad when you’re not here, but I look forward to you telling me every little thing about your new life.’
Now I felt guilty. I hadn’t told Mam about Maeve and the painting, and I didn’t intend to. It was the first big secret there had ever been between us, and it had been making me feel uncomfortable all morning. When I’m trying hard not to say something, I’m always afraid that the words are going to jump out all on their own.
But how could I tell Mam the truth?
I’d heard Lady Mary and Sir Josslyn talking, and I’d seen little signs that the world is changing. In the servants’ hall there was talk of all kinds of new things like votes for women, and freedom for Ireland. Mam wasn’t like me though. She was still living in the olden days. She was happy for me to be spending time with Nellie, but she would never understand the friendship that was growing between Maeve and me. If she knew the truth, she’d be cross with me. She’d say I was getting above myself. Worst of all, she’d worry for me, and she already had plenty to worry about.
Then I remembered my good news.
‘Lady Mary is so kind,’ I said. ‘She’s buying presents for all the servants.’
‘A present from the gentry,’ said Mam. ‘Aren’t you the lucky girl? I wonder what she’ll get you?’
‘Oh, she asked me what I wanted, so I know already what it’s going to be.’
‘And what’s that?’
‘It’s going to be a beautiful doll, all of my own. I’m going to call her Julianne. I can make clothes for her and she’ll be gorgeous. She’ll have long dark hair and––’
‘A doll? You asked Lady Mary for a doll?’ Mam didn’t look very happy.
‘Yes. Do you think that was too much? But Lady Mary didn’t seem to mind – and I want a doll so badly, and I can bring her home every week so Winnie and Anne can play with her too. They can dress her up and …’
‘You’ll have to tell Lady Mary you’d like a pair of winter boots.’
‘But I’ve already said––’
‘You’ll have to tell her you’ve changed your mind. This is a great opportunity, Lily, and you can’t waste it on dolls. Lady Mary can buy the best quality boots, so they will last you for years, and then Anne and Winnie can have them after you.’
I could feel tears coming to my eyes, but how could I let Mam see them, when I knew she was right? My only boots were much too small for me, so it made sense to ask for a new pair. Dolls were for rich people who didn’t have to worry about what to wear on their feet.
Mam put her arm around me, and I saw there were tears in her eyes too. It wasn’t her fault we were poor.
‘I know you’d like a doll, Lily,’ she said. ‘But …’
‘It’s all right, Mam,’ I said, pretending I was wiping a speck of dust out of my eyes. ‘I don’t know what I was thinking. I’ll tell Lady Mary I’ve changed my mind.’
* * *
The rest of the day went quickly. I cleaned the windows and helped Mam to wash the bedsheets.
‘This isn’t much of a day off for you, Lily,’ she said. In a way she was right, but the girls were small and the boys were at school all week. If I didn’t help Mam, then she had to do everything herself, and that didn’t seem fair.
‘It doesn’t matter,’ I said. ‘I like helping you.’
When the jobs were done, I went for a walk with Hanora and Rose, and after that, I helped the boys with their homework. When we were finished, Anne came over to the table with a battered old copy book and a little scrap of pencil.
‘Time for my homework,’ she said.
I smiled and I leaned over to take the copy from her, but she went past me and handed it to Denis.
‘I’ve been helping Anne with her letters,’ he said, looking a bit embarrassed. ‘She’ll be starting school soon, and I want her to do well.’
‘She knows lots already,’ said Jimmy.
‘You clever girl!’ I said. ‘You’ll be top of the class when you get to school, and we’ll be the proudest family in Sligo.’
I was happy that Denis was teaching Anne, and that she was doing so well, but I couldn’t help feeling jealous. I used to be the one who helped the girls with everything, and it hurt a little bit to see that Denis could do just as well as me.
He looked really proud as he held Anne’s small hand in his, and helped to guide the pencil along the page.
And then I thought of Nellie – I’d been so busy thinking of all the ways I couldn’t help her, I’d never taken time to consider the one thing I could do. I could teach her to read!
I was so excited, I leaned over and gave Denis a huge kiss on the cheek.
‘Yuck!’ he said, wiping his face with the side of his hand. ‘What was that for?’
‘Because you’ve given me a wonderful idea.’
‘Well, we’re trying to work here, so don’t do it again,’ he said, and we all laughed.