111:
Diary

Night again.

No rain.

When Nurse Gilman brought my dinner, I asked her about the girl two doors down, but she wouldn’t tell me anything about her, not even her name. I hoped for her name. Instead, she only placed my tray on my bed and smiled. “You should eat,” she said.

I didn’t want to eat. I wanted to know the girl’s name. I wanted to speak to her. I wanted to get close enough to her to feel the warmth of her skin, her breath.

I heard her cry. I wanted to know if she could laugh.

I didn’t eat.

I didn’t notice when Nurse Gilman left my room.

My food went cold sitting on the corner of my bed.

I did not want to talk to the police.

I didn’t want to meet the attorney general the doctor mentioned.

I most certainly did not want to be transferred to the place he talked about.

It was time I left.

Father would want me to puzzle it out. I had a plan.

At night there was one guard and two nurses. The doctors were gone, and everyone else was tucked in their rooms.

I would go at night.

I would wait for the girl to cry.

I didn’t want her to cry.

I didn’t want her to cry ever again, but I knew she would, and when she did, at least one of the nurses would open her door and go into her room to comfort her. When I was certain one of the nurses was in her room, I would pick my lock, go down the hall, and slip into her room too.

I would then make the nurse scream.

I hoped it would not be Nurse Gilman I found in the girl’s room but one of the others. I liked Nurse Gilman. But even if it was Nurse Gilman, I would make her scream. Father taught me how. I would make her scream loud enough to draw the other nurse and the guard into the girl’s room. I would get them all inside that room two doors down from mine and—

Let me stop here for a moment, give pause.

I want to be clear.

I don’t want to hurt anyone.

Nobody needs to get hurt.

The last thing I want to do is hurt someone.

But I will.

They need to stay in that room, and I need to leave.

That is the only acceptable outcome.

I hope I won’t have to hurt anyone.

I don’t want the girl to see me hurt anyone.

I will lock them all in that room, then I will go to the doctor’s office and get my knife. I know this is a risk, but I feel it is an acceptable risk.

Then I will leave.

I’ll take the security camera footage with me. The recorder is probably at the guard’s desk.

If I have my knife, if I had to hurt someone in that room, in the girl’s room, if I had to hurt someone before I could get out and lock them inside, I might have to go back and finish hurting them. That’s what Father would want me to do. Mother would tell me I had to hurt the girl too. I had to finish hurting them all, then take the camera footage and leave. Father and Mother would agree on this.

I did not want to hurt the girl, but I would.

 

A night escape presented one problem, a serious problem, one I wasn’t sure I could overcome. I desperately wanted to say goodbye to Dr. Oglesby.