In which you should look away now if you are allergic to Unusualness. Maybe you should even hide under a table. As long as it really is a table…
Carlos and Guinevere had now been fighting for so long that they couldn’t remember why and were very tired and thirsty, which made them even more bad-tempered and even more likely to shout “Big nose!” and maybe “Wobbly bottom!” at each other. The dust cloud they had kicked up was so thick they had no idea where they were any more.
And at about that time, Ginalolobrigida had finished putting foundation and lip liner and lipstick and glitter gloss on her invisible new friend. She had also applied eyeliner and three shades of carefully blended eye shadow. Ginalolobrigida was so proud of her work that she decided to trot along to the farmhouse and show everyone. “Come along,” she said to her friend. “What should I call you, by the way, little invisible girl?”
“Why not call me Linvizzygirl?” said the mouth and eyes that Ginalolobrigida’s make-up skills had revealed.
“Don’t you have a real name?”
“It’s a secret.” The mouth and eyes looked sad.
“Well,” Ginalolobrigida continued, “now we must let everyone see I can even apply beautiful make-up to someone with an invisible face.”
“Are you sure that people won’t be worried when they see a mouth and two eyes floating in thin air in front of them?” asked Linvizzygirl, who had been invisible for a while and knew that people (and llamas called Brian) got very frightened when they saw – or didn’t see – things that were Unusual.
“No, no, no!” Ginalolobrigida laughed. “Everyone at this farm is far too sensible to be worried about that kind of thing. Come on. We can have some pancakes while we’re there – I’m sure Badger Bill will have made some. He’s always making pancakes – he really enjoys it, so we let him do it a lot.”
And they both went out of the barn together, happily making lists of pancakes they would like to eat.
Meanwhile, Uncle Shawn was sitting by a table, thinking very hard – so hard that he didn’t really notice anything else apart from the gargantunormous plan that he was hatching.
And Badger Bill was walking down the soft path to the farmhouse. He said to himself, “I will just have a nice sit down and a biscuit. That will be lovely and peaceful.” He needed some peace after being hypnotized.
As Bill reached the front door, he could hear something like thunder far away.
And then Bill opened the door and – goodness – he heard and tasted and smelled and saw lots of things all at once.
And they were all Unusual! They were all PAJIMMINY-CRIMMINY UNUSUAL!
There were hoof prints all over the hallway that he had only swept this morning. And the thunder was much louder and coming towards him…
When he opened the living room door he couldn’t see anything except a thick, swirling cloud of dust. Then he realized the thunder wasn’t thunder – it was the sound of llama hooves!
Guinevere and Carlos had fought right across the farm and up to the farmhouse, and then all the way indoors and into the living room. The whole room smelled of hot llama and farm dust.
“What on earth is happening?” Bill said. Somebody kicked him in the shin and someone else yelled, “Crumply ears!” right into one of his not-at-all-crumply ears.
Bill peered very hard through the dust and he could just see … a table with hairy llama legs!
Brian Llama was still hiding and still wearing Bill’s favourite coverlet – which was now all creased and covered in llama hair and layers and layers of dirt.
Brian was also yelling at the top of his voice, “EMERGENCIA! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! EMERGENCIA!” He thought that Carlos and Guinevere were a swamp monster with lots of feet. They definitely sounded like one.
Bill – who was now very, very annoyed – yelled, “EVERYBODY STOP! STOP DOING WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING! THIS IS ALL PAJIMMINY-CRIMMINY UNUSUAL!”
Everyone stood still – especially Brian – and didn’t make a sound.
The dust began to settle so that the carpet started to look a bit like a llama-hairy beach, or a piece of furry desert.
And for a moment things seemed sensible.
Only then Ginalolobrigida Llama trotted happily in through the back door, followed by a floating mouth and a pair of eyes, and announced, “Look! Isn’t this wonderful? I’m not only gorgeous, I’m a genius!”
Brian saw the floating eyes and mouth and screamed so loudly that all the glasses in the kitchen broke. “EMERGENCIA!”
And then in through the window climbed a small boy wearing a newspaper hat and a tweed mask who cried, “I am the Tweed-Faced Boy! I will save you!” and ran to help Brian, because he sounded like a damsel in distress.
Brian – who was scared of pirates (and small boys and tweed) – threw off Bill’s coverlet, which fell onto the hoof-printed, dusty floor. “Please, sir, I am not a damsel.”
“You screamed like a damsel. Have you eaten a damsel?” shouted the Tweed-Faced Boy.
This frightened Brian so much that he ran into the kitchen and tried to hide under a tea towel.
A tea towel is a lot smaller than a llama. His nose stuck out. So did the whole of his body. And his legs.
The Tweed-Faced Boy went over to Brian and rubbed his tummy to see if there was a damsel inside him. This made Brian giggle.
Bill could see Uncle Shawn sitting quietly in his favourite armchair and smiling as if he was having a wonderful time. “Hello, Bill,” said Uncle Shawn. “Are you having a nice day?”
“What!?!” said Bill, who suddenly felt very cross and peculiar. “How could I be having a nice day!?! Uncle Shawn – look at the mess! Look at my ruined quilt cover! Look at Brian getting llama fur on my only clean tea towel. Look at Guinevere nipping Carlos’s ear!”
Guinevere stopped biting Carlos and both llamas tried to look innocent while Ginalolobrigida stuck her tongue out at them. Linvizzygirl’s eyes and mouth giggled, and the Tweed-Faced Boy studied her from behind his mask and under his newspaper hat.
Uncle Shawn just sat and smiled even more. “Oh, I’m sure that you can clear this up, all by yourself, without us helping you.” He closed his eyes and whistled a little tune.
This made Bill even more furious. “I never make any mess!” he shouted. “Why am I always the badger who cleans up the mess!?”
“You’re the only badger we have,” said Uncle Shawn.
This made Bill angrier than a badger had ever been – even the famously bad-tempered Karl Badger, whose face was so red and hot from always yelling that other badgers would hold bread against his cheeks to make toast. This made Karl even more furious.
Bill shouted so loud that his whiskers went straight, “And look at Ginalolobrigida!”
“Yes, everyone should always look at me,” agreed Ginalolobrigida.
“You are standing right next to a floating mouth and eyes!” said Bill. “THIS IS TOO UNUSUAL!”
At this, Linvizzygirl’s eyes started crying and her mouth said, “I’m not Unusual and you’re all horrible – apart from this tall, furry lady with the make-up. I’m not staying!”
Everyone heard the sound of invisible feet stamping off, then the back door swung open and was slammed shut by an invisible hand.
“And who are you?” growled Bill to the small boy in the newspaper hat.
“I am the Tweed-Faced boy!” announced the Tweed-Faced Boy. (He was still tickling Brian because they were both enjoying it and because he had realized that there wasn’t a damsel inside him.) The Tweed-Faced Boy looked around the kitchen and speared a rather dusty pancake with his pretend sword. “And I have to follow those eyes and that mouth before they disappear! Farewell!” He jumped out of the kitchen window, leaving muddy footprints on the sill.
“Oh, Uncle Shawn!” said Bill. And because Bill was cross and had been hypnotized, he then said a terrible thing: “This is ALL YOUR FAULT!”
Uncle Shawn looked at Bill with his clever, big blue eyes and he didn’t say anything. Which was part of his plan.
“Maybe Doctor P’Klawz is right and you are too Unusual.” Bill had a nasty wriggly feeling in his tummy when he said this.
Uncle Shawn nodded and ruffled his hair so that it nodded, too. “Well… Maybe I am an Unusual person.” He smiled a small, sad smile. “Maybe I should go and be squished in the Institution for Maximum Security and Unusualness Curing.”
This made Bill stop being angry altogether, because thinking of Uncle Shawn – who was filled up to the top with fun – being left alone with P’Klawz was horrible. “No, no… That might be not a good idea…” Bill knew that without his Unusualness, Uncle Shawn wouldn’t be Uncle Shawn any more…
But Uncle Shawn seemed very happy about going to the Institution. “Oh, I think it will be wonderful! That will solve all our problems. I should go at once.”
Everyone in the room – especially Bill – thought that sounded terrible.
“I will stay until I am Usual!” Uncle Shawn grinned.
Everyone shivered all over until their fur was standing on end and they looked as if they’d been washed and then rubbed with towels.
But Uncle Shawn just winked at Bill and said, “I’ll go right away. Goodness me, it’s almost as if things are running exactly according to some kind of plan. Why don’t you phone Doctor P’Klawz for me? Here’s his card.” And then Uncle Shawn walked out, whistling as if there was nothing worrying him at all. 